Day 427: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

We ran away on Friday...I needed some time away from town and some time alone, together..just to breathe. I am so glad that we went to Chapel Hill.
Chapel Hill is my "hometown"..it is where i grew up and where I messed, and where I healed and became a man. It holds for me a lot of joy and a lot of pain, but it always is a healing place for me. The latter we very true this weekend.

Last weeked was wonderful, but the week....the week just was intense. Personalities, issues with some I love, and stress. I worked out and showed up for training..Adam and I did well working out...but I was really pushing it this week. I was on edge about alot. A great deal of the things I care about somehow seemed to be on edge right now and in the face of some of the things I care about the most, I was faced with inaction by those I serve with...or at least that is how it appears.

One thing you learn about me is that I have a low tolerance for sitting on boards just to say you are on a board..and I don't much care for passive omission when one is the in the position to speak up. As reverend Cher so eloquently quoted Dr. King...I will paraphrase this it is not what we say that we will be held account for, but we did not say. When we could have spoken and chose not to...particularly when it is about those who do not have a voice by those who are in a position to give them voice.


What effect did that and the other things that were going on have?....well, what is a blessing beyond description is that it did not have the effect of my not eating well, exercising, praying and trying to find a way to get my frustration out...and so, we took the opporunity just to go for a night..go and just be.

We hit the road and it took the full two hours of talking and walking through some issues for me to get into a space of letting go..but as we were driving we decided to find a place to stay. Michael went on line and there was a new place that he found called "aLoft" and we decided to try it. We have had pretty good luck being adventurous and thought..why not.

By the time I hit Hwy 54 and what is left of some of the landmarks that line the entrance to my hometown, I felt my breathing becoming easier..a sense of letting the world loose from my shoulders. I remember as a child as we went back and forth down that road on the weekend trips to see my grandparents or my dad, the cows that stood in the tiers of the hills that now are part of an entire subdivision called Meadowmount. But for me, all I could see was that wonderful farm and those cows..and that very happy place. It did not take long to realize that the hotel was at the foot of the hill, and right across the street from our first apartment in Chapel Hill from 1971 and right around the corner from my elementary school. But this place was certainly not the University Motor Motel or the Stuckeys that used to be there...not, this place looked like a smart, European hotel...it looked fun.
We got into the room and the view..the view was of the hill..and I could see in my mind where I spent many of my teenage years...Gimghoul Castle....It was so awesome! I just lay back on the bed and looked out at the beautiful sky and the hill and it was like walking back in time! What a great feeling!

We wanted to get out and explore and a friend of ours had recently sent a notice about a show she was currating. I wanted so badly to see it. We went in search of it. To my great joy it was being held in what was the public library when I was a kid. Turns out that since I was little this building had been turned into several different things..but now, it was housing this show. When I read the description of what the show was...I just loved the perfection of leaving to come here on needing what I needed.

Here I am coming here to "heal" with my home..my history..and elin is doing a show about local histories in a place that was for me magical as a child! I was able to show Michael where the children's section was in the library and where I got my first library card at 8 or 9 years old. I would walk to this place and spend hours in this library. Here i was, with michael, sharing this wonderful show all these years later in a place that housed for me some of the happiest memories of my childhood. It is hard to describe. I just wish I could have done an installation..something with bert and ernie and shel silverstein and what this place opened up for me.

We left the show and I wanted to show Michael the street that I grew up running up and down on.

Sorry the pic is crooked...but it sparkles and that is all that matters. On this street, time has stood still for almost 40 years. The trees look the same as does the neighborhood. It was a magical place to grow up. and walking there helped me remember how fortunate I was to have that as a place to be a child.
We enjoyed our walk and then spent the rest of the afternoon and evening just doing what we wanted.
On Saturday we went to the NC Museum of Art and then came home.

What was nice to come home was that no matter how nice it was just to go away...when I walked in the house, it felt so good. Where we were was a place to get away..and in my memories, a nice place to visit with good things to remind me of the blessings in my life, but through the door when we arrived, it was a new and fresh feeling of "home"....so powerful that feeling. Such a blessing all around.

Once we got home, I have had the privilege this weekend of just being there when I was needed by someone I am very proud of and someone who I admire for walking through adversity acting in a manner that shows maturity and heart. It is always a privilege to be a friend. That is something I do not take for granted. It has made the weekend an amazing journey....

I look forward to tomorrow, if I am granted that. But I am so very grateful for today.
Thanks be to God!

Day 422: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

what a weekend! I love being alive and this weekend was no exception...but was in fact the rule about being so glad that I am showing up!

Friday was the first "date" night that we have had in a while. It was sooo wonderful! I think back in January when I talked about my goals I said that I wanted to really do more regarding "playing" or having some fun and really enjoying this life. I think in the months since we have done some of that, but there is still room for improvement. But lately there has been so much going on and so much that has been happening in the world..it is absolutely necessary. Health does not hapen for me just by exercise and diets..it is about my spirit..my soul..and play and doing things that are just exploratory or having time together or with friends..that is Health!

So, we got ourselves together and headed to the North Side of town for an Art opening for a really good friend, Virginia Wrigth Frierson. We went to my FAVORITE THAI restaurant in town for a treat...BIG THAI on north fourth..the best curry anywhere..just a luscious spice and best flavors...and so satisfying...That is so nice to have something that warms the soul!

 Before we got to the opening, after dinner,  I saw that much work had been done on the Brooklyn Arts center, a project that has been embattled for years due to funding issues and neglect..but somehow..it is moving forward..and this grand old church.this magnificent structure that was literally falling to ruin was seeing new life and a new prosperity. I told Micahel that I had to go over and take pictures of it..and he obliged my ever tangential need to go "see" something new and shiny!! :)  Oh, how wonderful the cleaned brick and the repaired windows look..the new hope for the uses fo this building and was I glad that I was in the moment, because the developer just happened to be there and invited us in to to see the work in progress and allowed us to go all over and see what was happening in inside and gave us a private tour! How amazing!
(by the way..for those of you getting this through "reader" or email, I have found you have to go to http://bowilmington.blogspot.com/ to see the pics and videos. sorry for this..but the pics are pretty good!)

We left there and really enjoyed the showing my Ginny. What range. I can get lost in her work and all that she does. She was showing so many of the layers that compose who she is as an artist..and it was an honor just to be there. Two pieces really moved me. One was this wall of Canvas that was covered in her writing about her experiences. I think it was called, "write it down and let it go". It was beautiful to see her share the experience of creation and her emotional and spiritual process and then let it be "left:" or "let go" there.

The other was. i beleive, called "confinement. It was rich and filled with emotion...and kept me in its path several times during out time there.

and then there were so many more:

Anyway..it was an amzing night!

Saturday was a day of family..blood and extended...Again..health is about the soul and the soul is about love and connection. We had been asked by someone I truly love to come over and talk to a teen who was being bullied in his school. He and his mother came to visit. First, the friend who invited this youth had never met them before but opened his home to them, no questions asked. God, I love he and his partner. What a heart. Secondly..just connecting with this young man, sharing our own stories and offering hope..God was in us, in that place..and hope..hope..hope...Great start to the day.

We left there and went and spent time with my Mom and Stepdad and had a great time shopping, sharing and playing! Everywhere we went we saw people we knew and connected. It was awesome!

Then I left there and went and spoke at the Alpha Phi Red Dress Silent Auction. This was the first time this sorortiy had done this event. But they had shown up and volunteered at every event for the Heart Association and have been incredible. They asked me to speak and share my experience and it was such and honor! They did an incredible job and they raised over 9,000.00$ unbelievable! What an awesome event and group!

what was even doubly nice was being able to invite Debbie Daniels and hang with her for a short while at the event and introduce her to the women of Alpha Phi. She connected with so many there and was awesome as always! What a presence and a truely awesome person!

Adam, as usual, offered his services at the event as a donation and there was such a great response! 

Not to continue to making this a litany of the weekend, I left this event and had another heart warming event on Sat. evening with one of the first students I ever had at UNCW who is now married and a Doctor! I was such a proud yenta! LOL! We, michael and I, are so lucky to have some very special 'family' that we we have coming back in our life and sharing their lives with us still and this dinner wr was no exception. 

Sunday, it was a day of connecting and reaching out with a dear friend and someone I admire so much who came here to speak at UNCW for us! 

All in all in it was an amazing weekend to say the least...and now...it is already tuesday...two days have passed in this week...an incredible week already! :) 

And there is big news for someone I am so proud of..but that will have to come in the next post! lol! 

thanks be to God!

Day 419: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

So let's get this straight..one legged squats and walking lunges hurt! Ok..maybe hurt is a stretch..but I am sore as hell!..the upside to the soreness is that I did one legged squats and walking lunges! :)...something I have watched others do with nothing short of awe and a little.."really? your doing what?" in my mind.

But on Wed Adam pulled out the poodle box (that thing they make you jump and down on) and said, "stand on one leg and lower yourself down and then stand back up back on one leg". Now..I know better after all this time than to say "no" or to tell him what he can do with that kind of direction..but I can assure that my first thought was not "gee willakers..sure..that sounds SWELL!" lol!..but I went to it..and low and behold..daggone if I did not do them! Not gracefully mind you..but I did them! How about that for progress!
I was not able to do a SQUAT at all on the ground a year ago....hell, remember when he had to used the cirque de se bo ball against the wall so that I could slide down and do a squat!..now I am doing them one-legged for the Lord's sake! Soreness is fine..I have no complaints!

Of course, one would think that having accomplished something that was so amazing, I would spend the rest of the session basking in the admiration and glow of my friend and trainer's approval and be sent on to do nothing by sit in the sauna..but no...I was told to grab the 20 pounders and then we were going to do walking lunges. Again...having seen others do this, i just did not think it was "for me". Wrong again keemosambee! :)One foot out..and back leg down to the floor, trying to not let my knee hit the floor (although, not very successful at that)..keep the front knee over my foot..and repeat and walk...Oh what joy! What absolute joy! (I hope my typing allows for sarcasm to come through!) I will tell you that if my backside is not hard as a brick after doing these for a while, I will NEVER do them again! LOL! However, I will say that they definitley have an effect, regardless of the soreness later and I can see why we are doing them. (yes, once again, he is right...Lord, I just LOOVE saying that! LOL!)

This week has flown by and the weekend is jammed packed! I have the priviledge of being asked to speak at the Alpha Phi Red Dress Silent Auction on Saturday Afternoon at 2! It is going to be great! These women are amazing and they volunteer at the Heart Walk at the Heart Ball every year! The AHA is their national Philanthropy and there is nothing they will not do to educated and be involed in preventing, treating and educating about heart disease!

Here is info on their event:
This Spring, the Eta Xi Chapter of Alpha Phi will host the Annual Red Dress Silent Auction. The purpose of this silent auction is to raise money benefiting the Alpha Phi Foundation, with a focus on women's cardiac care. For more information on our Foundation please visit foundation.alphaphi.com


Hors d'oeuvres will be provided. Dress Casual
Warwick Ballroom UNCW

601 S. College Road
Wilmington, NC 28403

2:00 pm
Tickets are $20, or $10 for students.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please feel free to contact our Director of Philanthropy, Angharad Davies, at afd4491@uncw.edu, or our VP of Marketing, Megan Sullivan, at mbs4796@uncw.edu
A few of the items being auctioned include...
• A 1974 Harley Davidson Motorcycle
• 2 month membership and 2 free personal training sessions to O2 Fitness
• 3 month membership and 2 free personal training sessions to Gold’s Gym
• Gift certificates to numerous Wilmington Restaurants
• Passes to the Wilmington Battleship
• Gift certificates to numerous salons in the Wilmington area
• Tickets to: Wilmington Sharks, Carolina Panthers, Charlotte Bobcats, New York Yankees, the UNCW Spring Show (B.O.B.)
• $400 credit to the Little Switzerland Inn, in Little Switzerland NC
• A week at an Oceanfront beach house in Myrtle Beach
• A week at a house on Beaver Island on Lake Winnipesaukee
• A gift basket from Carolina County Store
• Gift certificate to Tara Grinna
• Free tanning to Tropical Tans and Solar Hair Salon
• Items from West Marine
• Different items of Art and Photography from local artists
• 2 free training sessions with Adam Freeman, master trainer at O2 Fitness
• 4 tickets to the Bobcats v Knicks game
• 2 Brazilian blowouts
• And SO much more!


I don't think I have really talk about this, but i have been made the "community chair" for the Cape Fear Heart Association (former logistics Chair). My role is to recruit teams for the heart walk and to go out and talk about heart disease, AHA and share my story. So, this is a way to pay forward all the blessings i have been given and hopefully make an impact. I will, as you can imagine, go anywhere and do whatever i am asked to get folks involved...

Well, Tonight is date night and some fun and I am really looking forward to tomorrow!
Thanks be!

(repost with finish) Day 416: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

(sorry, I hit "publish" rather than "save" and it sent....if you are getting this twice, I apologize..but wanted to finish it). 

Tonight I was sworn in again for a second term on the Wilmington Housing Authority as a commissioner. It was a little surreal that is has been 5 years. It is appropriate, however, that I write about this here because the journey that I have been on in the housing authority has been so tied to the journey of my health and wellness and all the changes that have come to me.

Remember, my friend and mentor Windell Daniels that I have written about died, literally in front of me of a massive heart attack the night I became chairman of the Housing Authority..during one of the most tumultuous times the authority has ever faced. But is was his death that brought me into a new life in many ways..it led to my involvement with the Heart Association, the information that I needed, then Ashley then Kristi then to Adam..God..my higher power in, in all of it working through all of these experiences..and here I am..no coincidences, a path that was straight and narrow but felt so much at times like it had no direction, was uphill or was always winding and never had a clear way..but it always was.

Yep, the night in November, 5 years ago (I was filling an term), when I took the oath of office, I knew that I wanted so badly to serve on the housing authority. I had seen "projects" on tv and been dismayed by the conditions. I had heard of the need in the community to get meetings with this "HUD" agency and none were to be found. I was told of what was perceived as corruption and government waste and all sorts of tales by many in the community and read about it as well.  My Mayor, who was trusting in appointing me, loved his city and wanted things to be righted and said so when he made the appointment. I wanted to understand more. I wanted to see this work and work for the better. I can't say I was naive..but what I have learned and seen these last five years has awakened me and allow me to mature in ways that I have never expected and overall am grateful for.

What saddens me more than anything still is the stigma of public housing among so many and lack of and or desire to care or know our residents and families. the ease at which this vital function in making housing affordable for our working men and women and families is referred to with disdain as "entitlements" and looked on as a burden when we drop with ease money on bombs and excesses that don't even come close to the money we spend to help those help themselves with housing. But more than ANYTHING that saddens me are the folks who don't mess around with the simplicity of the mission "to provide safe, affordable, sanitary housing"....c'mon folks..let's not mess that up. it is basic and as a country, as a people, we can do that without all the drama right?

It never ceases to amaze me to be amongst "christians" who will so readily cast judgment of folks...and so readily cast them aside. Or hear the assumptions that are made so quickly and who look on public housing and housing assistance with such disdain. But if nothing else, this experience has taught me to stick to the mission, stick to what my gut is saying and stick to what I truly believe and not worry about what others might think and pray, pray, pray, pray! Ignorance, while become more of a powerful force in our country these days, will not win the day if it cannot win ALL OF OUR ATTENTION. To deny ignorance and bigotry an audience is to give understanding and acceptance an opportunity.  What matters in the end is the needs of those in need and the proper use of funding to see that happens equitable and fairly. I have learned alot and make mistakes...but it is worth every minute.

Frankly I had to come to that "worth every minute". There have been moments..even days when I just wanted to walk away..so angry and disgusted that I just could not imagine another moment. But I digress a little....in this experience..it did become more important than ever to become more focused on "mission" and less concerned about the detractors and those who so jealously would deny this housing opportunity for others.

Wasting time on that is stressful..wasting time on folks with motives who are not about mission is stressful, wasting time on anything that is not about getting the job done for those in need..well that is stress and in my life..stress can equal bad health and it did there for a while..to a point where my weight and my life went spiralling out of control. I had to remember that if was going to be of any use to anybody...I had to get back to loving me..and then could love others.  This also made me want to do more...be healthy enough to do more...interestingly enough....

When some of the darkness of the hard times in this service started to clear and some of the good that this Agency can make happen began to emerge under new leadership, you could see the good that can be effected for so many. Wanting to see that..well that is inspiring. Wanting to be healthy and be a healthy part of that..well, that is inspring. 

The YouthBuild Program, the Family Self Sufficiency Program, the UNCW/WHA Community Campus which I helped to establish, the once decimated communities that are now being refurbished, the new homes being constructed, our families being able to gain housing with assistance throughout the city..even with cuts in some of the funding...the partnerships being formed...the grants and the funding coming in..the staff...God...what an amazing mission driven staff...all of it...so much...so much that can make the difference in so many lives in such dark times....so, whatever machinations are out there or in there for those who "don't get it"..whatever ignorance is abounding for those who deny those in need and the realities of our socio economic conditions, for all the negative forces, the good pushes out and expands and grows...and is powerful.

Don't get me wrong..i am still going to speak my mind and heart. I am still going to fight for what i believe is right..but what is such victory here is that this is a healthier place.


I am so grateful for this life and thank God for it everyday!

Day 415: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

 Got going early this morning....it felt good to have actually had a Sunday off and a "day of rest" that helped me to get started for the week. I am finding more and more as I get older that i have to have at least one day each week to "be off"..and whether that means to just have time to watch TV, or go to the beach, or sit and contemplate..I need that time to regenerate.


This morning was downright warm. It was Spring all over the place in terms of the weather. 2 Swans have taken up homesteading in the retention pond outside of the Gym and they were just having and early morning swim as I headed off for my run. It felt great. What felt even better was feeling my body underneath my run feeling..well..for lack of a better word "toned". Now, don't get me wrong..there is work to do...but there was this solid feeling as I ran and it felt really good and I felt "strong"...I am begining to enjoy that feeling. 


Adam was in his usual good mood to being our work out and we got busy on back, chest and arms. Again, I was feeling "strong"..in fact, sometimes I have to do a double take at what I am able to work with on the weights! It is even better when i don't have to adjust down the weight when Adam gets off the machine! That does not happen all that often (lol)..but when it does, it is amazing. Little by little, this 44 year old is progressing...It just makes me want to do more. 


Michael went with me this morning and that was awesome! It is like a family going in there now. From my long time friend David to the my new friends who moved here David and Brian..and all in between, it is just a great feeling to go in and be connected. 


We worked out well and off to work.  My office was unbearable in terms of the lack of air condition. We have had this problem for over a year and it has made us sick at times and we have struggled with it for a while. This morning it actually made me angry because all the pleading, asking, and struggling with it has gone on deaf ears...we are suffering, the students are suffering and we hear "it will be wednesday" as if that helps today or that makes it better somehow. 
I posted how i felt on my wall and some very dear friends got me out of the anger by reminding me how much worse it would be if this had been over a year ago and I was still at 348! I probably would have passed out for sure! It did not change the situation, but I was grateful to be reminded of something to be thankful for during that time and move me out of that feeling of helplessness and anger! I still am. 


I went to my commissioner's meeting this evening and I am ready for bed now. It has been a good day and I am thankful!




Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success! Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | American Heart Association | 02 Fitness Mayfaire | Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietician | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Denistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Day 414: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I started this blog on Wednesday, but it has been quite a week, so I am combining:

It is amazing how feeling...connecting...and sharing is so healing and is absolutely essential to stay the course for health and wellness. I know I am a broken record..but I need a daily reminder that I am a physical, mental,and spiritual being and if one or all of those pieces of me is stressed or distressed, how I respond or treat that can make the difference in how or even if I can recover,heal, or move through a difficult period. This week, with the loss of a dear friend my spirit was most certainly hurt. The sadness and the loss was huge. While I am still mourning..what had made my heart lighter is how I responded to this. I drove to Raleigh on Tuesday.

I was absent minded to say the least for a few days. I was lost in a mix of missing Julian and mourning his death and really being confronted with how life can change very suddenly one day at a time. Some of what I was feeling was fear..fear that if this could happen to him, it could happen to anyone..and ego centrically focused on it happening to me.

But fear or "fact (not in) evidence appearing real", is a state that needs to be walked through...and felt in my experience or it can be deadly, or at the least unhealthy. For so long I did with fear what i did with so many other emotions..I did something to appease it..comfort it...stuff it. Eat, buy, do whatever it took to try and satiate the fear. Over the years prayer has been a great help. But the greatest of all means to deal with fear with me was what transpired.

Tuesday, I met up with some of my oldest friends before the visitation and we had a chance to just sit and talk, reminisce and talk about what we where feeling. We all were in shock, but as we sat there, sharing and connecting, joking about time past and good memories, but also addressing some of the real issues and concerns we were all facing, it was like a weight began to lift and I found myself breathing easier. By the time I left the visitation, I was beginning to feel restored. I did not have to do something to myself or stuff myself or be unheatlthy..I could laugh, cry and even get angry and I was safe. My higher power works through me and He works through others. I have known this for a long time. On Tuesday I was embraced by God in so many ways...

When I got back to Wilmington, I did call in the next morning for training and ask if I could skip after such a long day the day before. Adam understood. But by the afternoon after work, I was at the gym and working out..doing what we would have done that morning.

The rest of the week is almost a blur. I was involved in a fundraiser for an agency that I have been a part of for a long time. Between that and trying to stay a float at work, it has been stressful and busy.
But, I have shown up for my health this week. I have shown up for my eating, and I am so grateful! By the weekend, I needed to just take the weekend off. yesterday i shopped for our house, cleaned my car, did laundry..focused on what we needed in our home. I ever got in a 5k and it felt so good to run.There had to be some down time!

Lastly, I am introducing a signature at the bottom for my posts. These are links to all those things I have discovered help keep my healthy or have been local businesses that have been so good in my ability to get what i need to be healthy! They are not paying me or endorsing me, but I want to recommend them. Keeping paying it forward!

 Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success!

Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | 02 Fitness Mayfaire | Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietician | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Denistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Citizens in Action Feb 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22K5ZUhjWiw

here is our video from the New Hanover County Citizen's Academy! Citizen's
In Action!

Day 409: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Just vlogging this evening after spending some time in a rose garden from my past today....

Here is the link if you are getting this by email:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpF38gM1kDc

Day 408: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Some days you just "show up" and frankly..that can be a miracle. Today..I showed up. I am sad. very sad. I am mourning the loss of a very spiritual friend whom I have known for 25 years, who began his spiritual awakening the same month i did, just a few days apart from me 21 years ago. He, unfortunately did not survive his depression and took his life this past week. It is difficult to grasp, the end of a life that so touched so many in such positive and loving ways to a disease that is so baffling. But it is a disease and he has passed form this world, not of his hand, but from it.

So today..I showed up. Here is where my self absorption would have taken me to eating in sadness or hurting myself or just laying about. Funny how that behavoir did not nothing to bring back the loss of someone I loved it had the reverse effect of compouding my feelings of sadness by building on remorse, regret and ultimately anger. Oh..now, don't get me wrong..today and yesterday I wanted to stay in bed and just stay there. Not move. Thoughts of my own issues swirled my mind and I was consumed at moments by the "what ifs". Thank God in heaven that I have learned to "change a thought, move a muscle" and that is exactlty what I did. I also talked about what I was feeling, shared my memories, found some old pictures and we even had a health dinner. The worst of my eating were some pretzels and light ranch and a protien bar. Not bad.

This morning, I woke and went to the gym. Adam was unwell, but guess what? The gym does not close when the trainer is not there! :) LOL! I found an email that he wrote with a routine adn after running..I went to it..and i worked hard. Michael even joined me and was my partner in training this morning. It made it so nice. My spirit was made full in that and it was..as in all things..a way to move through.

I had some plans tonight..and i am ok with changing them. I do need to be quiet. I need to feel a little of this. I have been on teh edge of tears all day and need to get some of it out. Maybe a run and some time alone with me and God..then with Michael....we will see. But, I know this today..by taking care of my health..by showing up...there is a chance..there is a chance that good things will happen, that in this day there is a day well lived, and that my reprieve, my gift of life is just that!

Thanks be to God and to each and every person that is reading this today!

Love,
Bo

Day 406: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

There are no coincidences in my life. The other day CeCe Nunn did an amazing story in the paper about a woman in the area who has lost 200 pounds and will be featured on the show "Heavy" on A&E. I was so moved by the story. First, you all know that Adam is the best in my life and I will always reccomend him as he is one talented trainer and truly a great friend and committed to this community, but in the article, it turned out that Debbie is being trained by Nick Kentrolis. Nick has been training folks in the area since 1985 and has been a supporter of my journey all along regardless of who is training me.

Nick too has been supporting the community and a lot of folks know him as well because he sings the star spangled banner at the heart walk! What a gift to see Debbie being trained by Nick and see her journey and all of it come together in such a great way for her!

Well, I facebooked here and knew from her response that this was a soul that "gets it'. She was as warm and loving in her response as you can be in a message and we made plans to hit the loop in the weeks ahead.

Well, today, I decided I needed a day for Michael and I. This week has just been intense and i needed a day off. It was also an amazing day in weather..and outside of head winds that were tough..it was gorgeous...so after we did a lot together I got on the bike and took off for the beach. It was a great ride!
As I rounded the loop I saw a woman who looked a lot like Debbie and pulled over. When I asked her if it was her and told her who I was it was like long lost friends.

See the video:
(if you are a "follower", click here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogpc_mbmvv4 )

So, it turns out that the episodes with her on them begin to air on Monday nights at 10! There is a get together at 10pm at the Triangle Lounge and all are invited!

I am psyched about her journey and the show because I have tried (and Lord knows Adam has tried to get me to watch the other! LOL)..but I just cannot get into the biggest loser. I just despise the "competition" side of the show....the sending folks home. Obesity changes and getting healthy are/is not a freakin' competition! It is not a "challenge"..it is a commitment to one self...it is a day at a time mental, physical and spiritual change that comes with love and support from others, but most importantly finding love for myself. It just has not room for and cannot include  jealousy and selfishness or desires to surpass or win against each other. This is just my experience and it is nice to see a show that is seeking to follow the progress of folks to succeed unabated by that kind of element.

Debbie is amazing and i cannot wait to continue to see her journey as I continue on mine! I also cannot wait to see her show! What an inspiration!

For more on her story you can see the local stories at WECT and the Starnews:
http://www.wect.com/Global/story.asp?S=14059506

http://www.starnewsonline.com/article/20110218/ARTICLES/110219651/1155?Title=Wilmington-woman-loses-more-than-100-pounds-on-A-E-s-Heavy-

thanks be for Debbie! thanks be for these journeys!

Day 402: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman



The add that is running in Encore Magazine as Thanks!

So, last night was the "Best of Wilmington 2011" from Encore Magazine (click on the ad above to go there..it is a great resource in our commnunity and an awesome pub!).
It was a complete shock when I got the notice two weeks ago that this blog had been voted best blog. What was even better was that it was another way to get the word out to talk about the Heart Association, Adam's amazing Personal training and Heidi's nutrition and maybe reach a whole new group of folks who had never heard about it. That was the deal..that was the way to "pay it forward" for all the gifts I had been given...was to make sure that I made it happen that I got this to as many others as possible and we walked this path togehter! Well, you all made that possible by voting for this blog and making sure that it got noticed and Shea over at Encore made soem pretty sweet deals on the ads so I could pay for something that would spread the word as well! Win win all around!
This journy is a day at at time forever..this is not "lose a hundred pounds and then its over"...this is about health and wellness and finding ways to live that health and wellness. The beginings...yeah..that was really imporatnt because it brougth me to this point..but living this life..that is even better and sharnig that..even more so! How..do we live healthier..know more about being healthier..that is what is to come..and as long as the blog is here..and you can go back to day one..I can keep it green, so speak and others can start on their own pace and see the jouney's beginings and see also where it leads! that is pretty cool too!

But today..today is about saying thank you! Today is just a day of gratitude!
I posted on Ashley's facebook, Adam's, and on Kristi's adn I am going to on Heidi's how very grateful I am for each of them..through them, this miracle has occured becuase they were willing to be..be generous in love and heart...not selfish, jealous or boastful...(remember my post on love yesterday). God, how amazing to have friends like that!! How blessed!

This morning, Adam and I worked out together. Each morning now we work out a differnet set of muscles and I run..yep..I run every morning a mile and a half. It is time that is a blessing, with someone who is blessed, who is my best friend out side my own partner. No matter what devils or ills are snapping at my heels, this is and will always be such a gift...and something I just cannot imagine I can ever repay..but this blog..this blog is my attempt and I pray it blesses...does whatever for others...

Happy happy day all!

Day 400: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"...

Tall order this description of love. I was thinking of this this morning after i worked out and being so grateful to have the love of my life next to me as I was getting ready for work...someone who has put up with me, supported me and been the most amazing partner anyone could have ever hoped for over the course of our almost 15 years of marriage!

But, as I was thinking about this, I was also thinking about the call of the definition into how I treat myself as well as others. Ru Paul always says "if you can't love yourself, how ya gonan love somebody else"..and he is right. But finding that love..finding that sense of worth sometimes is hard. I have been on that journey for a lot of years...and this health recovery..which is really what this journey is..it is NOT weight loss, it is a recovery from bad eating, eating at things, emotions and things not in my contril, not taking time for myself, not treating me well, not not not not not...this journey is about recovering from years of doing things counter to love. Counter to being patient with myself, kind to myself...not being boastful or proud but having a real and true estimation of myself. This recovery is, in short, about finding love for myself...a real a genuine love.

I had an episode Satruday that was a great example. Saturday was the heart ball and it as amazing! I love these events and we were at work all day! About half way through something happened and I got very angry. No one knew it..but I was angry. In the back room there had been pizza ordered for the volunteers and while i had gone and gotten a subway sub, I walked in the back to cool down and when I was in there I saw the pizza. I downed two slices like they were air. I was stuffing my face because I was angry...rather than deal with it the way I would normally through prayer or just getting it out....and it was an old familiar behavior. As soon as I caught myself, I knew and acknowledged it, and no, I did not beat up on myself, but this morning, when I was thinking about "love"..I thought about how many times I had been "emotional" and had eaten at myself..or had done something so "unloving"....rather than find a way to deal with it more healthily.

I love myself more today..and can love myself enough not to hurt myself. The very act of eating right and exercising is an act of love. It represents a true acknowledgement that I am worthy of feeling good and having a quality of life where I can experience the blessings around me, and maybe, just maybe, by treating myself in a healthy manner, I can pass those blessings on. I know..I experience it everyday..that there is so much love that comes from other people that buoys me up..it is overwhelming..truly overwhelming. In fact, saturday night as I flitted about that ball...I felt as good as I have ever felt in my life, not becuase I was looking sharp in my tux! (lol!)..but becasue, after that episode..I recovered..got my head and heart back straight..and for the rest of the evening...I was hugging and connecting with the most amazing freinds..my family of choice in the world...a room full of love...a room full of patience..kindness..not boastful or prideful...a room full of unselfish..generous..giving.. You get the picture...

So, maybe this post seems heavy handed..but it is real for me...I know that the love that I get EVERY SINGLE AMAZING DAY..from a higher power that loved me when I could not love myself..when I have days when I am unloving to myself..who loved me through others..and continues sometimes to love me in spite of myself...that love..your love..is so very powerful...and it makes is so possible for me to love is ways that I never dreamt of...but am so freakin' glad I get to today..and want to more and more and more and more and more!

Happy Valentine's day..and EVERYDAY!

My higher power loves me enough to give me all these blessings in my life...I am just learning still how to be more loving. Exercising and eating right is an act of love...it really is..becacause through it, I am happier, better able to live this life

Day 397: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

So proud of Michael getting up and going with me to the Gym this morning this is becoming a regular for us! It is awesome and he is starting to really enjoy it too!

I started back this morning running before I trained and it felt awesome! It was cold as hell...but it was great and it really did make a difference!

So today was the first day of the "new plan" of action with Adam! It was awesome. We are now working out together! Don't get me wrong..he is still the teacher and I am the student..but he needed to get in some time for working out with all the new clients he has (YEAH!) and this is something we can go with each other!

I was a little worried, to be honest..cause I watch folks "work out together" in the gym and what I see usually is one person standing around while the other one is working out. The other thing I have seen is a lot of talking and socializing in those set ups and not a lot of working. Adam and i talk enough as it is! LOL!
But, as usual, and sticking to the same thing that Adam told me from day one: "don't look at what others are doing!", we did our thing and it was great! In fact, on many of the exercises, we were able to do them in tandem and with the help of the mirrors (which, I am happy to say are more tolerable than they were a year ago!) Adam can still help me with my form and show me what to do. The other part was that I got to compare in a good way my strength to Mr. Yoda -Muscle and I am doing pretty good! Sometimes it is hard for me to actually know that I am getting better cause, while he says I am getting stronger and yes, it feels it, I don't "see it"...and of course it "burns!"..so actually being in tandem with someone that really is strong and fit and seeing that in many cases we are using the same weight with the same reps and he has to exert similar effort, helps me to know I am on the right path.

What takes this, on another level,  to a "whole nother level" is that we are going to do this 5 days a week...not just m/w/f and do concentrated work outs on sets of muscles each morning. Now, I have been exercising m-f as it is, so this  should not be a big deal, but it is a new twist on what we have been doing and of course I get "excited" about changes! :) I have to see that I can do it. But,  like the little engine that could "I think I can...blah blah blah!" LOL!

If you had ever asked me a year and two months ago if I would go to the gym each day I would have said I just can't find the time. But I had time to be out with back issues, sick, time to do all sorts of things that were unhealthy and while it is an effort some days..taking one-freakin hour to go and work out is just not that big of a deal any more...in fact, it is an essential part of my life now.

So much good...thanks be!

Day 396: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

"This I will not give up.....today"

I remember in another self help group there was this discussion about character defects. Now, don't go off the deep end with thinking that someone is bashing themselves when using the term "character defects". We all got em...and Lord knows I do,  and I have had them in droves at some points more than others.

But the discussion was about being willing to take stock of one's good and bad, take responsibility and then to become willing to let them those defects, discovered in an honest and thorough examination, go. Note the term "willing". Nothing was said about removing the defects, just being willing. A higher power was involved in the removing part.

At that time the "deadly sins" where used as examples as a starting point to look at what character defects were..."sloth", "greed" etc. It was a good exercise and as I became more aware of those things that impeded my spiritul, mental, and or physical growth or development, the list or awareness could be added to and I could become willing...

The point of all this? Well, there were times when I faced something I was not sure I was willing to let go of. For instance, I had a wicked sarcasm that I thought was really funny. It was pointed out that that sarcasm could be a mask for anger or real barbs masked as humor and that i might think about becoming willing to let go of it.  I was open to hearing what was said, but at the time I was not willing to let it go". The response was from a dear mentor, "why don't you say that you are not willing to give this up...today..and keep listening...maybe one day, that will change."

Sure enough, I did just that and at somepoint down the road, I did come to realize that I was indeed masking an awful lot of anger and, well, meanness behind sarcasm and that was not who or what I wanted to be and became willing to have that removed. Today, my sarcasm is more in check and part of my daily inventory...but it is something, that by being "willing" to have removed, was.

So, now I am a year into changing my health practices and I have found some real similarities in what i am willing to give up and somethings that I have not been willing to give up...and I realized that I have had to create  a "not today" list. 

See, like the sarcasm, which, when it was pointed out to me might be negative, I knew in my heart they were right, but I was not ready to let go of something that had been part of my protection for a long time. I was not ready to let go a release valve for some not so pleasant stuff in me...but I was willing to listen and take the risk later when I was in a firmer place and I could handle more change.

Well, the same has and is happending as I have changed my eating habits and my working out. At first I was willing to do so much..a dying man grasping for a life preserver. But I was not going to give up soda, I was not going to let go of steak, I was not going to give up potatoes, etc etc. And all of that was just fine at that time, because I ended a 40 year relationship with fast food, I ended eating candy of ANYKIND, I ended eating chips and fatty snacks, I ended eating pizza (and remember we were eating pizza two or three times a month..sometimes a week), I ended eating little debbies, cakes, and cookies, I ended eating hunks of cheese and cheese toast, I ended eating pasta by the buckets with every meal, I stopped using butter everytime I cooked....these are just a few changes in my eating that I made and they were HUGE changes! So..If I held on to diet coke, if my portion sizes were still to large at times, if i had triscuits and sourdough pretzels, if I had some things that were healthier but not on target, it was OK...because I have to make changes so that the changes are sustainable!


But here is the rub...like sarcasm, i know that portion sizes are not good if too large, diet sodas are not good for me, water is somehing I need to do better with, and a whole list of others..and these things are on my "this i will not give up....today list".

I know myself and if I load myself with the expectation that i have to do it "all"....it will become "all or nothing' and you can guess what will happen. That is not going to happen here. There will be no setting myself up for failure by overloading myself. This journey has been successful because in each step of the way I have said I am willing more often that not, but have had the foresight to give myself a break and put somethings in perspective until I am able to handle it.

I guess I marvel at the "cold turkey" folks who can just stop it all, change and it is all ok. That is not me. I have made changes that I am very proud of, but I have to acknowledge those changes and see them for the big deal they are...and truly be grateful for them...and the changes that I know will come, because my head is on straight about wanting to be as healthy as I can be, will come on the day and time that they are supposed to..again because I am willing....

That is a lot of typing and I know get circuitous in my explanations sometimes, but I think I have said it pretty well...at least for me...I am on a journey of progress not perfection (this is not mine and I am so grateful to have been given this one) and today, I am willing....
I pray tomorrow I will be willing to

cause i gotta tell you...what i have seen so far..this life is amazing!
thanks be to God!

Day 395: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I was sick since last thursday and began writing this post on Sunday:

A little better today, but still sick and frankly, sick and tired of not doing anything. I have been in this bed since Thursday night after I got back from the Wilmington 10 remembrance. I wanted so badly to go and meet Reverend Ben Chavis afterward and shake his hand for all that he did and has done, but I just could not. I was, by the end of it, completely zapped of energy and while I was feeling something coming on all week, I was not prepared for what hit.

Oh well..aside from not training on friday, eating stuff while not training (althuoght I am happy to say that while I ate too much of the good stuff, I did not comfort myself with anything inapporiate. Michael got us Pita delite, Zoe's and hibachi take out, and I ate oranges and my main comfort food was black bean brownies. I had some spinach, tomoato and feta pizza from incredible pizza, and was ok with that...but the no exercise really stunk!

what has been great though is that by posting about being sick, I have found some great new things for keeping me healthy! I learned about the
Netipot: It is amazing how this works and while it seemed very uncomfortable to use, it cleared my sinuses and probably helped me not to have more infections like sudafed!

I also learned of a Vitamin company right here in North Carolina that I can order from when I don't get my vitamins from Tidal Creek:
Vitacost is a North Carolina Company and i love to support North Carolina if not Wilmington Companies!
http://www.vitacost.com/

I take the megafood, men over 40 vitamin an it is completely kick and thier price is amazing!

So, being in bed was productive at least for this!

I got back to the gym this morning and was doing pretty well. I was a little frustrated, but I was able to do some arm and chest work with Adam. My push ups were not as good as usual and I knocked out 20 on the floor and about 15 on the second set on the bozo ball..and the third set was about 18 on the floor..the pull up was not as good either...but Adam was very encouraging about being back after being out sick...and my lungs were burning! :) It was just great to be in and feel like I was doing something! LOL!
He and I have come up with a plan to take things to the next level..it is going to get intereesting I think...
Stay tuned! :)

Day 389: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I discovered that if you are using google reader or getting this in email, if I post a video or "vlog" you are not getting them.. So, I am going to better about sednign the link casue sometimes it really does help to be able to do the vid rather than type so that I can post what I am thinking about or information that I find. It is just quicker.

Not that I want you to have to hear the sound of my voice (which apparently I LOVE according to my friends and my partner! LOL!) and my big ole head that you have to look at when I video..but it is quicker.

Today's video is about "what does your table look like"

and here is the link to the vid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIdCIQ4-xUo

basically, it is about the show "you are what you eat from BBC America and this nutritionist who gets folks to write down what they eat in a week (on their bad diet) and then puts in ALL on a table for them to look at. It is really disgusting when you look at it all there...so, if I am to get healthy..what do I want my table to look at and actually, what does my table look like now..
For me today, the biggest issue is how big do i want my table to be..still a work in progress!
Thanks be!

here is a link to the show:
http://www.bbcamerica.com/content/273/index.jsp
it is really powerful!

Day 388: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Sunday night and I just saw a friend post that he wants a weekend "do over'. I am totally with him. I do not feel all the rested and not sure I am ready for the week ahead...but, I this past week has been a good one and I have busted tail on a couple of levels.

Adam has wanted me to do some "building" on muscle..so each session we have had has been about a specific set of muscles this week. Monday: Chest, Wednesday: Legs, and Friday Arms. It was intense, but what was the best part about it was being able to do it! :) The slow build and the progress that i have been on to this point has enabled me to always be saying that I am doing things I never thought I would be able to.

On top of the weight training, I have had a cardio addition in the afternoon on these days. It is new and I am actually doing ok with it. One night I ran and the other I did the elliptical. But the best was Saturday when I got to go to Body Flow! GOd, I love this class! I always wanted to be able to do yoga and tai chi and all that...and this is a combination of all it. It is a but kicker, but it stretches me and allows me to really be more flexible. I wish so much that they would offer this class during the week before work or to start the day..in fact, I have been really confused in looking even at the yoga center that the earliest classes are like at 8? When do all these people work? :) But, at least I got to take class on Saturday...and I was able to do almost everythign that was asked as we went through each level..even the balancing..actually, especially the balancing..and it felt really good!  the toughest part was the tract with the ab exercises....I got a little worn out there...but was able to do most of it. I wish everyone was in this class with me! It is really awesome!

Anyway..on the diet front, it was a great week (except today...Sunday is always a weird day with too much time for snacking)...I really did well with being good to myself and limiting my snacks...I am in the season of the orange right now! these amazing navel oranges are coming in and I am so in love with them!

I have discovered an additive for my food that I am using and the more I read about it the more I am glad I have discovered it! Flax seed! Now, it may not be the most pleasant of conversations, but regulatory issues are a big one for diet and health! I can assure you that before this change, there were some major issues. Treating my digestive system well and doing some natural things with watching cholesterol etc is awesome and this stuff does not taste bad and is perfect in most foods!  http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/benefits-of-flaxseed  
I love me some Cosco again, because they sell it in bulk in addition to the protien bars that are so awesome that I have been using! The protein bars are particularly important now as I build a little and need to be very aware of the calories and sugars that some of them have! The ones I found a cosco have 2grams of sugar and are only 200 calories! Of course, like anything else,  can't eat them like Candy, but they are a good addition to my work outs and start in the am and part of one for a snack!

Anyway...This week is full of neat things that are coming up and I am excited about it! I will find some rest here and there throughout.

It is an awesome life! thanks be!

Day 384: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I am more sore than I have ever been since all this started and it is on purpose (or so I am told!)..not that that makes it feel better, but there is, apparently a method to this madness...and I pray that there are indeed results! LOL
Monday we did my chest and today it was my legs...apparently Friday it is Arms...So...while I am barely able to lift my arms or sit..by Friday..the good news is that I won't have to worry about being able to pick anything up, so i can just lay in bed and veg till I heal! LOL!


No, really, I have lost so much weight, but it is time to put on some more muscle...so we are hitting it pretty hard in that way. Today was pretty incredible actually..I was able to do lunges with 25 lb weights in my hands! I did 400 lb...yep..400 lbs on the leg press and was over 110 on the leg extension and leg pull back thingy and then some! It was an awesome feeling!

So now, I am just sitting back with some warm wonderful brownies to celebrate all that working out!
Pysch! LOL! I am loving some brownies..but no worries...I am not ruining the efforts from this morning...they are the most amazing, healthy wonderful things I could have..and NO..they are not THAT kind of brownie..so I am not High...they are Black Bean Brownies! watch the vid:

I am so grateful to Jenni for showing me these. In all honesty, I have really missed having some dessert and most of the stuff that you buy is really unhealthy...so this is so nice. I was able to find this as well:

http://blackbeanbrownies.com/
Bush's has it's own recipes and they give some alternatives and different flavors.
It is amazing how my looking around I continue to find things that will help me to enjoy food and have really great things, but now be so unhealthy!

Anyway, I am COMPLETELY exhausted! I am off to write two emails and hit the sack!
Night all!

Day 382: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

This has been a very strange, but powerful day.

We got up and off to the gym this morning. I am so proud of Michael that he has gotten past the month and is still going! It feels really good to be going together. He goes and does his thing and I train and we meet up at the end. It is awesome

Adam had a plan for "building" some muscle for me this morning and we were off...push ups, pull ups (assisted, but so cool that I don't need help from him!), what I like to refer to as the Catholic Prayers station...on my my knees, pulling down...while looking up...then standing and pulling from both sides doing bear hugs with weights....then jumping jacks...the hypers with 25 pounds added, then the pull thingy and push thingy....and rinse and repeat! Oh...but wait..I got to add to the push ups with the SLOW pushups....slow down...slow up...and repeat...oh...that was fun! But, i did the routine and while intense. it was great. We even blew off some steam while i kicked his tail grappling! LOL!..ok, maybe I did not win..but for an old man, I held my own!

Left there feeling great to start the day and got to work and it is sooo busy...and then the strange/powerful things happened....opportunities to connect with those in need, productive work, meetings that were tough, but shared some things that were so powerful....and in the midst of it all, I just felt this sense of peace. It was really powerful. It is hard to explain..
but at the end of the day, I was full...you know what i mean....I just needed a release and went for a run...I ran well! I ran hard too and released anything negative and celebrated all the good stuff...it was so nice. Adam had suggested I try and do some cardio today...and it was the perfect thing for me.


I am also going to be journalling all that I eat this week to see where I am with that.

All in all it was an amazing day!
thanks be!

Day 381: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

 This will not become a weekly blog, but this week was a marathon! There was a full moon this week and if the moon really does have an effect, it was evident everywhere I turned. Work was intense, all the non-profit stuff I am involved in was intense and it seemed like there was just a lot going on in peoples lives as well!

But I showed up at the gym ran this week and did pretty well on my eating too...in fact the works out were absolutely intense this week! I am doing lunges! I was absolutely incapable of doing A lunge much less lunges with weights a year ago and now my the work out this past week was 15 lunges per leg, then 20-25 REAL push-ups on the bozo ball, then 15 plank pull up things...this is where you plank on top of 20 lb barbells and lift the weight up alternating sides! (awesome!), then 15 over the head presses on balancing on the bozo ball, then jumping jacks, then the hyper extensions, the 20 crunches, 20 byccyle crunches, 20 side to side crunches, 20 leg lifts..and 20 curls, and 20 pull downs..and repeat three times! It was and is incredible that I could do that and get through it! Actually, now that I am writing it, I am flipped out that I actually did it! LOL! But I did! It is astounding that after all this time, this has come to pass and I can still even grow form here!

What was even better was watching Adam have so much success this week with Clients and speaking and so much good stuff! It is awesome!


It all goes to show that by making that first step, there is a chance to do things that I could never have dreamed before....and still dream more!

Thanks be to God!

Day 375: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

The last few days have been awesome, but Saturday was the best!

I started the day by making sure that I showed up and made a new class a priority to get the Yoga that I have wanted into my life really started. Oh, I got some yoga...some tae chi and some pilates and more out of this class called "body flow". It was amazing.

Before the class started I found out from the front at 02 that the owner of the gym was there. I have not been able to met Michael Olander and have been wanting to and to tell him about not only the journey that i am on because of the opportunity that his gym provided, but about what kind of trainer he has in Adam. I was able to do just that.  I think i scared the manager, brian, when I knocked on his door and he may have thought I was coming to lodge a complaint! LOL, but he soon found out that I was there to thank them. I was able to tell Michael about how much Adam has been serving the community, about the gift of life and health he had given me and what the membership at 02 meant for me. One of the things I have learned over the years is to do everything possible to find a way to thank those who bless not only me but who are a blessing.

I left the meeting and went into the new class. I have to tell you that going into these classes is intimidating with all these people. I am as self conscious as the next person, but I work really hard a focusing on why I am there and try and block out others except for the person leading the class.

The instructor for Body flow is megan and she was the person who led the Body Combat class. I thought it was interesting that her fire in that class would be translated into something that was supposed to move at such a different pace. What I found in this class was that while Body Combat was fast past and kept my heart rate up, Body Flow worked me harder because in the movements that we are making, there is a great deal of control, balance and the use of the whole body..but it is amazing! What was so amazing was my balance! When I first started with Adam, I was not able to stand on one foot without the support of holding on to something. Here, in this class, I was holding the pose on one foot, then extending out and then straight back with a flat back and bent knee! OMG! It was incredible! After all this time I am able to do things I never dreamed of and it felt so good!

I was unable to do only one of the exercises..but wow! I want more of this!

I left the class energized, renewed and surprisingly spry!

The rest of the day was just going and enjoy with Michael and having encounters with good people!
Thanks be to God!

Day 372: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Well, I wish I could say what a difference a day makes.ok..so three LOL! ...but actually I am doing better than I was on Monday..partly because we are back to a little normal, no snow life, and partly because I SWEAR everytime I have turned around this week i have had some message, some person, some thing that reminds me to keep it positive....keep it focused on things that move me through the dull drums and keep me on track...even in my sleep.

No, really. The other night we left the tv on when we fell asleep. When I was half awake, half asleep this tv preacher that i actually like (and yes there are some that are not total con artists) was on first thing and she kept on talking about the appropriate things that you can do with your mouth...now..just..stop...and keep it clean..she was talking about how you can speak positively...keep the things that are coming out of your mouth those things that are positive and affirming..blessings. I was awakened being reminded to start the day be thankful..be grateful to have another day..have the life I have...have the very existence that I have...

So all the things that I am worrying about and all the things that I am picking on myself about and being down about are drowned out by affirming things..no, it does not make what aches, or what feels bad go away, but there is perspective...a chance at viewing what there is that is so very powerful in this life.

It REALLY helped...

I went to the gym and worked hard. I was less concerned about the slowness of my weightloss these days and really saw how in shape I am getting and was able to hear Adam as he actually praised me for having to work harder because I was in such great shape. I even heard a few compliments. See, i don't know about you, but I have a "fat" sieve in my brain. here is how it works. When a compliments comes to me from someone...the compliments go through these little holes. Each hole has a filter of things like "yeah..but your stomach is still not tight".."you still have that turkey neck" "God, you are 44, you will never really be healhty" "is that a bald spot on your head?"...oh yeah...that filter's out a lot of the compliments and I fight with that stuff...not so much fight with it as hear it and then go...Wait just a daggone minute...I am perfect just like God made me and I am so healthy today, doing great things and I look great...but you see..after years of not seeing myself in a positive way..it takes practice...I know, cause I have heard it from so many others...that I am not alone here.

I love me. Yep, I can say that today. God don't make no junk. But Lord that Fat sieve in my brain can drain me of some really good things somedays..particularly in times like these when I am off the beam or going through a seasonal time. Makes me kind of ripe for the picking to do something stupid that makes it worse...but, not this time. This time, there was that voice I heard as I awoke, a lunch with a great friend I am becoming closer to, a really amazing embrace that I so needed at home, productivity at work, getting out of myself a little and focusing on others...a talk with my mom too...and prayer...lots of prayer...

So, I went to work out.

Do you all realize that when Adam took my pulse at the height of my working out it was only 120? Un-freakin-believable...Think about it..a year ago..he would have had me stop and rest because i would be tipping over the 170 and I would have been working at half the weight and effort! Now, it takes more to get my heart rate to a burn area.


That sounds like bad news...but what is so good about it is that my body is recovering in some good ways and I am getting better and doing better. More good news.

Tonight, I did as he asked and when I ran I did not focus on the lenght but on my heart rate...it stayed above 147 the whole time and i had a great run! I am sure that I did thre miles...but I know I burnt up the road!

It was and is a better day!

thanks be to God!

Day 369: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Ok..it's confession time, and I don't mean to skulk to the key board like a Roman catholic going to the booth to admit some cardinal sin...but I have some hope that my sharing, it will reconnect me somehow.

I have just been feeling BLAH the last few days. And the last few days have been spiritually odd...and, well, off. It is hard to explain, but when we anticipated a snow day and I did not want to cook..yep...Incredible pizza showed up at the door..like magic..NOT! I made a conscious decision to feed whatever it was that was disquiet inside me. I have been craving red meat...carbs...and so when the time came and it all aligned...not only a pizza, but a quesidilla as well. Of course the feeding was not as bad as the past, I orderd a veggie pizza from the healthiest pizza place in town..and the quessidilla was a cheese one..but I knew what i was doing: feeding being off. Feeding a feeling of not feeling right. And no matter what, it was not, it is not good.

Now, here is the deal...I know what is happening around me...change of season after Christmas, a lot of happy emotional and stressful emotional things..change in the house as we put away Christmas...and then letting in the world and all that went on around us this weekend...and I know more and and how that gets to me on the inside. 

I need to say this out loud...to walk through this and "change a thought, move a muscle".  Today when I was feeling my worst, I went for a walk on campus in the snow. It was beautful. As I finished the walk, Adam called and wanted to make a snow "person". My first inclination was to say no and crawl back into bed. But something inside me said I needed to do this.  It was the best decision...i had a ball and we made the most absurd, wonderful snow "woman" (Adam's choice! LOL!) ever! It got me out of myself and made a difference...it was moving a muscle and got my thoughts on something outside of me and my own stuff.

The rest of the day has been spent taking care of some things that make me happy..working on non-profit stuff, uploading photos, filling out some cards..and tonight...when I wanted to make pasta nad have "one more night of comfort food"..I thought about how often I had fed my "comfort" and how much that led me to 348 pounds....and how unhappy, more importantly that had and does make me...so instead..i opened the blanched broccoli and brussel sprouts and warmed them..then cooked some chicked with tomato sauce and a dollop of those Idaboan Poataoes. It was a feast and made me feel better because I had done something healthy and good...But as I was eating it, I began a gratitude list of things in the immediate:

a Higher Power that is watching out for me (always)
I have a husband that is here for me
a best male friend who can get me out of myself and have some fun with doing something silly!
food prepped in the frig that is healthy that I can reach for
this blog to share this with others
activities that keep me focused on important things
and most importantly, a journey that is one day at a time, so that whatever happens, It is just about today...and tomorrow holds promise beyond anything I can imagine.

thanks be to God.

Day 365: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Epiphany (from Koine Greek (τὰ) Ἐπιφάνια, epiphania "appearance", "manifestation)

Ok...so I am not trying to be sacrilegious AT ALL, but it is serendipity that today is the one year anniversary of the first day that i stepped into O2 to work with Adam and it coincides with Epiphany! I happen to be one of those people that believes that there are no coincidences and really savor the joy of the day, both in my religion and in the manifestation of this new phase that was brought in to my life...this absolute gift that is and was as much spiritual as anything in my life thus far. 

Now, in looking over the first posts, I realized that I am not sure that I ever really told the story of how this all started. I have told this story so often this year that I assume all know..but on this day, the first anniversary of this wonderful journey, I want to write it down.

I had been struggling with my weight all my life. But since 1999 I had put on over 100 pounds, was diagnosed with diabetes and had begun to develop a number of stress related problems as well as some debilitating back issues.

I was, however, no less active in community work and wanting to be involved. I just kept going and while I was at it, I grabbed whatever was the most convenient to eat..usually something from a drive through and never accompanied by exercise or by eating regularly. I was just not taking care of myself at all.

One of my friends and a mentor of mine literally had a massive heart attack right in front of me and died one night at dinner. It was at a very special dinner and while his passing was most certainly eye opening, so much happened as a result of his death in my own life that i did not have time to really learn at the time from his passing.

However, as life would have it, and in my view God, by his passing I was asked to get on the leadership team of the Heart Association in the Cape Fear. I can remember going to functions and listening with half an ear to what was being discussed and what was being handed out..but seeds were being planted as I particpated.

But, I was too busy. Then my breathing became so short going up stairs, I began to not be able to swallow my food without...well, let's just say I would have to take very small bites and most of the time I would end up losing some of it..and then there was the chest pain.

I ended up in the office of Dr. Buchanan at Coastal Cardiology. They did full scans and lit me up like a christmas tree. I had reached 348 pounds and somehow, when all was said and done, I did not have any blockages. But i was told, at my age, the amount of stress, my weight and blood pressure and diabetes, I had to make a decision or make plans to leave this earth early.

I was at a loss. I had tried every exercise program and failed. I bought the WII board and was too heavy for it. I bought a bike and it was too much for me. I tried a gym and then was ashamed to go.
Finally, I bought a bow flex and my very good friend Kristi came over to show me how to use it.
I still think to this day that she knew I was not going to follow through. It was not too long after she showed me how to use that that she and my friend Ashley met a trainer at 02 fitness named Adam Freeman.

Adam had moved here from Charlotte. He and his then wife Aimee were trying to re-build their lives after one of the most traumatic events any two parents could ever encounter: the loss of a child. They had a beautiful little girl, Kayleigh Anne Freeman, who was born into this world premature. So premature that she was the smallest child ever to undergo open heart surgery and survive. Their struggles and Kayleigh's story was astounding and when Kristi met Adam Kaykiegh had been dead for about 5 months, yet he told her that he did not have a lot of money, but he had learned through that event that giving was the best way to live. Kayliegh's life had taught them that love was above all else the most importnat thing and not much else mattered. He wanted to give and pay it forward as it were to help others with heart issues.

Kristi, who happened to also be a close friend of Ashley, who had taken over the heart association here locally, who both happened to be close friends of mine, had an idea.

the next thing I knew they came to me and offered that if I would do this publicly, pay it forward by helping others by learning as I was learning, this Adam Freeman would train me for free! All I had to do was show up.

You can go back and read day one. The rest is History.

So, love manifested itself through that. It still does.

Adam just gave someone else the gift of training...He is doing it again. This person is the wife of a very dear man who has served this community and those in need of heart healthy experiences for a long time and who himself is a power of example.

Adam is my brother, my very closest of friends. I am blessed by him as are all who are his clients and friends.  He and his ex-wife HAVE a child, Kayliegh who lives on in all the love that manifests itself in all that transpires now and continues on.

This journey is not over..it is but a year old.

I am glad that you all are along with me. I will continue to "pay it forward" and it does not matter how many read it...even if it is only one..I was only one a year ago and my life is changed...one day at a time by this love..not just losing weight...but by living and being the best I can.

Thanks be to God!

Day 361: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

The first week back and things are on track. Monday morning WE went into the gym and it was awesome! Yep, Michael went with me and that was great! He did the treadmill and I went to training with Adam....and Adam had a great deal in store...but what was amazing was that on Monday, to start the new year, we began with whole new levels of ability:

At first I thought it was going to be a normal routine...squat, curl, presses with 20 pound weights..then Adam walked over the assited pull up machine. I have not been on that in quite a while and interestingly the night before i had a dream that I was able to go into the gym and do a chin up without the assistance of the weights on the machine. So, I went over to the machine and hopped on, and while I was certainly not at the point of doing chin ups without some weights on it, I knocked it  out with no problem AND the weight added to the machine is only 150 pounds! It was amazing! WITH Adam helping to push on the weights AND me barely able to get through a whole set, that was the way I did this machine the last time! It was phenomenal!

It was another example of how, a little by little, over time, things...well, I am growing and changing!
To that end, we went to the mirrored area and Adam causally said, "grab the 50's"...I looked at him like he had lost his daggone mind!!!! But he insisted. Now, mind you, since i already reacted in a way that put it to it that there was no way that was gonna work, i set myself up for this to be difficult and as I have said..that is a big no no! But..there I was. I picked them up and I struggled to do sitting squats with them...but sure enough as I whimpered through...I did them!

Then he had me do planks and return to them. Having seen that I could do it the first time and realzing how negative I was being..i decided to approach it more positively..and sure enough the second set went more smoothly..certainly not easily...but more smoothly..and by the third set...It kicked my butt..but I got through it!

Now...that said...I realized that I would NEVER have atttempted that on my own without guidance. It does take help and the belief from others to guide me...to help me see my own potential in many ways and Adam has done that.

The big issue fro a lot of folks is being able to afford a trainer. Adam has set up a personal, online system that is WAY affordable to help those who cannot do the sessions in the gym. This is absolutley affordable and a means to really make this type of program accessible. I pray that folks will use it!

http://adamfreemanpt.blogspot.com/2001/01/online-personal-training.html

As well, as using this type of program, outing oneself..sharing your goals with others..letting your friends know what you want and that you want to change or get healthy can also be so helpful! 

I cannot tell you how much doing this blog has held me to account for my own success. Sharing this story has helped me to really get honest with myself but also make me think about what I am doing and how I am doing it. And the amazing folks who have shared with me their stories, their support, their love in return has been the very spirtual and mental substance that has kept me and keeps me going! 

tonight I ran down the Shell trail along eastwood road...tomorrow I will get up and go to the gym. After almost a year of this change it is nice to know what I will be doing for myself and moreover, it is nice to give myself the gift of this change.  It sounds cliche, but it was waiting for me for a long time, I just had to unwrap it..and I thank God...yes, even during squat, curl, presses, that I did! 

Thanks be!

Day 358: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Ok..so if you noticed the days jumped a little, it is because somewhere during the year my numbering got off. On January 7th it will be 365, so I decided to go ahead and fix it here.

Today is January 1, 2011! the first day of a new year and if today is any indication of the year to come, I will be having a great year!

We got up this morning and went off to the 5k for the Wilmington Area Rebuilding Ministry..WARM...it was awesome..the weather has broken from the cold and snow and we had 58 degree weather this morning. I saw old friends this morning and it was such a "warm" way to begin the new year.



The best part was having Michael along and I hope that we will be able to do more of this!
We also got some black eyed peas and cornbread for luck for the year!  I did not beat my top speed for a race, but that was ok. I have to admit I was pushing pretty hard this morning. I was tight through my legs and back for some reason. I did stretch, but I was having to push more than I can remember in a while. I do know that i had not eaten this morning and this race started a little later than most, so I was running on virtually empty. I am going to the have to power up a little next time to feel a little better. I finished at 34 minutes, which is the same as most of my top times..and still down over 12 minutes from the very first race that I ran just 4 months ago...

But what was incredible was when it hit me:

Just a year ago...just 12 short months ago, I could barely walk to the loop without losing my breath or having shin splints, and here I am running the daggone thing!

I can remember seeing pictures back then of my friend Andy. He posted pics of himself after losing 80 pounds in 10 months and getting so fit...I remember the visual of how amazing he looked, but moreover thinking... "he did that in 10 months".."I have 10 months...I can do that"....and by breaking up that 10 months into one day at a time intervals..and really focusing on each day...as I continue to do now...WOW!...I am at this point. Now...imagine where I can go from here....imagine....

So, This morning was a little more for Michael and he needed to rest..and I decided to head out to the beach and had a little time for reflection.





I am not sure I was as articulate about miracles and blessings as I should have been..but you get the idea...there was a lot of work in  this this year..but there was the gift that Adam gave me...the intervention from Kristi and Ashley...and at every turn there has been something..someone....things that have helped to make this real, alive, viable for others....and hopefully...all of it has been of use and has been something that has helped others...

well, we have more to do...more to uncover..more to learn...God, that is so exciting!
thanks be to God!