Monday, February 14, 2011

Day 400: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"...

Tall order this description of love. I was thinking of this this morning after i worked out and being so grateful to have the love of my life next to me as I was getting ready for work...someone who has put up with me, supported me and been the most amazing partner anyone could have ever hoped for over the course of our almost 15 years of marriage!

But, as I was thinking about this, I was also thinking about the call of the definition into how I treat myself as well as others. Ru Paul always says "if you can't love yourself, how ya gonan love somebody else"..and he is right. But finding that love..finding that sense of worth sometimes is hard. I have been on that journey for a lot of years...and this health recovery..which is really what this journey is NOT weight loss, it is a recovery from bad eating, eating at things, emotions and things not in my contril, not taking time for myself, not treating me well, not not not not not...this journey is about recovering from years of doing things counter to love. Counter to being patient with myself, kind to myself...not being boastful or proud but having a real and true estimation of myself. This recovery is, in short, about finding love for myself...a real a genuine love.

I had an episode Satruday that was a great example. Saturday was the heart ball and it as amazing! I love these events and we were at work all day! About half way through something happened and I got very angry. No one knew it..but I was angry. In the back room there had been pizza ordered for the volunteers and while i had gone and gotten a subway sub, I walked in the back to cool down and when I was in there I saw the pizza. I downed two slices like they were air. I was stuffing my face because I was angry...rather than deal with it the way I would normally through prayer or just getting it out....and it was an old familiar behavior. As soon as I caught myself, I knew and acknowledged it, and no, I did not beat up on myself, but this morning, when I was thinking about "love"..I thought about how many times I had been "emotional" and had eaten at myself..or had done something so "unloving"....rather than find a way to deal with it more healthily.

I love myself more today..and can love myself enough not to hurt myself. The very act of eating right and exercising is an act of love. It represents a true acknowledgement that I am worthy of feeling good and having a quality of life where I can experience the blessings around me, and maybe, just maybe, by treating myself in a healthy manner, I can pass those blessings on. I know..I experience it everyday..that there is so much love that comes from other people that buoys me is overwhelming..truly overwhelming. In fact, saturday night as I flitted about that ball...I felt as good as I have ever felt in my life, not becuase I was looking sharp in my tux! (lol!)..but becasue, after that episode..I my head and heart back straight..and for the rest of the evening...I was hugging and connecting with the most amazing family of choice in the world...a room full of love...a room full of patience..kindness..not boastful or prideful...a room full of You get the picture...

So, maybe this post seems heavy handed..but it is real for me...I know that the love that I get EVERY SINGLE AMAZING DAY..from a higher power that loved me when I could not love myself..when I have days when I am unloving to myself..who loved me through others..and continues sometimes to love me in spite of myself...that love..your so very powerful...and it makes is so possible for me to love is ways that I never dreamt of...but am so freakin' glad I get to today..and want to more and more and more and more and more!

Happy Valentine's day..and EVERYDAY!

My higher power loves me enough to give me all these blessings in my life...I am just learning still how to be more loving. Exercising and eating right is an act of really is..becacause through it, I am happier, better able to live this life

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