Saturday, September 12, 2015

great than through love and support; death anniversaries

Tomorrow it will be one year to the day that Mother Passed. It was 7 in the morning when harold called on the 13th. When we left the night before we thought we would go back to the house and just spend the final days toghter, but new it was the end. I had the privildege, once again for a very very powerful moment with my parent before the end. A moment that changed my life, as oft woudl be the case with mother. Michael was with me and she did the same for him. Mother was a powerful humanist and though she saw the power of our good and moral life through our actions towards one another, I saw my spiritual maker more clearly in her eyes and what she said to me that night than I have ever seen before..and that is saying alot given the depth and bredth of the blessings I have been given and continue to be allowed. I remain humbled and grateful everyday. That was and has been devastating to loose her presence in my life and I have wondered in many ways. Unsteady and unsure. I ate my way to comfort more often than not and while I tried to continue to stay "healhty"..running, do what I has been haphazard...but always, always through this there have been indicators along the way..some would call miracles, call messages that just kept me moving forward..keeping my eyes, heart and mind open and listening...and there it was..there was this deep connection in life with her and I hear and feel her more today and sense her with me. It is a comfort...not the same, but different and somehow ok. I am not nor do I expect to be "over" the loss..but it is better and gets better. Michael felt the loss, Harold is finding his way..what an amazing man and how much I have been grateful for him. How much I have been grateful for Leanne alllowing me to be a part of her life and posts on facebook and the girls and keeping the family and the love connected.

We were planning on sharing time together..and then yesterday, our last uncle passed. Daddy's oldest brother. He has been bed ridden for several years and it was in some ways a real blessing to go, but so close to this it just was a sucker punch to all. I was the most worried about much at once. So, tomorrow, we will be in the Funeral home rather than toghether around a table talking about mom, but we will sort it out becuase it is about love in the end. We are finding ways to honor all of that. After all, after all the life we have had, we get to honor those that gave us so much and have a life..a life that for me is beyond imagining. I am at work and have worked a little today. At my feet is the most amazing dog who accompanied me while my husband of going on 20 years is in his office working on a problem for his work. I am actively engaged in public service..a life that mother revealed to me and showed me the way to and i am enaged in empowering others to be the best they can be and have at their disposal every possible tool to be the most they can be like all those that paved my way to where I am now..I get to be here...doing this and it is a so mother...daddy...marshal...all that have gone on..they made all this possible...God I miss them so much, but I am them and I get to honor them by doing this..I get to leave here and go witness beauty at the Miracle Field for the Kids at Cam bringing art for kids of all abiliites..then tonight I am the MC for an event that brings food for children who go hungry in New Hanover County..nourish NC...This is all because of Mother..becuase of all those who stuck it out with me, beleived in me, and made it possible for us to have the lives we have...

So, this anniversay of mother's passing, the passing of marshal..all of this has pain..all of it still stings..but it is not a time for attention for me or for some moroseness that brings back more of the is a time to be thankful for thier lives..not jsut for what they brought to me, but what they did in this world. The love mother brought to harold, her friends..the change she brought to 10/s of thousands of mothers and infants in NC and across south alablama, the example she set for other women to succeed, the fortitude...for marhals's talents and gifts, his voice and he sharing so much with so many....God, it is so amazing....

The anniversay of death is a reminder of the life that was lead. For that, I am truly grateful.

Monday, September 07, 2015

Greater than through love and support: purge

Its been since November since I blogged. I took the time then to keep the tradition going with my gratitude list and frankly, looking back on it, I think that it helped not only to keep me honest, but keep me sane and moving forward at the time of such enormous change. Sure its cliche, but it feels like an eternity has passed, but in one moment, it was as if it was yesterday. And it was yesterday that the last year came home to roost.  No, not really yesterday, but it was yesterday that I started to understand more about this process.

Mom died a year ago next Sunday. The night before she left, September 12th, with michael in the room, she had a moment of pure clarity in which she gave me a gift. She told me something that when she passed, when the pain was at its worst, when the tears come now, I can see those eyes, deep past her into her soul and I can hear her prophetic words and remember..and stay focused, because, if I do what I know to be right, all will be ok.

But was is "ok?", what is "right"? I remember calling mom and being so excited about this or that and on the other end of the phone..silence. It was not disapproval. Just not approval. She was not going to outright say "bo, you know better", but her silence, that was a enough. I would spend hours trying to "explain", "teach" get her to "hear" me. But she would just say "you have to do what you think is best." Never in that sitcom, orthodox mother kind of way, where the mother would be the martyr, no, she meant it. But I wanted her to agree to approve. Nope. She was her own woman and knew what she knew and it was up to me to experience it. That has been my life. My opportunity. My privilege. I was not directed by her to do this or that, it was to find seek understand and if I wanted to know how she felt, she waited for me to ask. And, I was smart, I did.

Now, now she is gone and there was not even silence. No parent left to ask, to commiserate with, to share my joy or the good news, And then, "yesterday" I heard her. "you know what is right", "you know what to do". I stopped to look around. I wanted so badly to believe she was there. But as I slowed down, it hit me, mother was with me. She was as much of a part of my thinking and right acting as my long passed grandmother, whom I share so much about teaching me spiritual principles. She was in me as much as any spiritual force as I have ever felt. The next thing I new, there was laughter. Harold and I are sitting in their home talking about mom, and we were, for the first time I can remember to date, not tearing up every time we spoke or thought of her. Not waiting for her to come down the hall and join us, but we are laughing and celebrating her and she is with us. She is a part of us.

Tears are rolling off my face now as I write. Not from pain, but from knowing that I would never have this in my life without her. The ability to wirte about it, to walk through it, express my feelings, to take the risk to love and be loved, to do all the things I am doing now.  But to know that I can do these these things and more for the rest of my life and never truly loose her or the presence of those i love because they are with me, in me, of me, and by me, makes for a life that is more more and more wondrous.