Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Day 568: Greater than through love and support

There is no doubt that one day at a time over the last 22 years i have developed a deeper sense of being able to balance out the positive with the negative when assessing my own self. It has has taken a lot of lessons, a lot of help from a lot of folks and a lot of guidance. But through this process with health and weight loss, there has been a whole new level of learning how "assess" myself...particularly the phsyical as I have had to learn to judge my outsides with my insides and let the two be in harmony.

Early on, I had a mentor/ friend who literally took a marker and on the wall of my little apartment in Millerton, NY (a story in and of itself)...drew a large circle on the wall. I will never forget that circle. It was my "cycle" circle. 

At the top was the critical issue...then as I went along the permiter he wrote "conflict"...a little further along he wrote "struggle"...then he wrote "crash and burn" an then towards the top..."recovery"...then "repeat".

He pointed at the circle and he said, "bo, this is your cycle of xyz. This is how you go through situations....and one of the ways you will grow is to break these cycles. But first, you have to see them. You have to want to break them, and then you have to find constructive ways to truly make changes. That will be growth for you...and it will happen. I know it will, but you have to want it."

Well, twenty two years later, I have seen that wheel many times. I will come to an issue in my life that repeats (critical issue). At some point it just becomes to much and I find myself in some sort of conflict: with myself or others, I begin to struggle and under the weight of it I hit a wall, get sick, crash, burn, whatever.....and many times, because I am able to get relief (or get away with it at the time), I don't take corrective action, but just "get away with it..and i find myself at the top of the circle/cycle again, ready to begin all over again.

But sometimes..and happily more often than not, I get to that place  in the struggle and sometimes even before it and I see there has to be change. There has to be a different way to react. A different way to be...and there is real and sustained change. I reach in, I reach out..I seek answers, and I have learned to extend effort! :), pray, have faith..and there is and has been Growth.

What a gift that that person gave me all those years ago (and frankly, this is the way i remember it..so if it is not completely accurate, this is what I remember and how it has worked for me! :) ). The gift has been being able to see paterns and cycles that keep me from moving forward and seeing ways in which I can make real and sustained change. the bigger pleasure is to look and see one day that i am not repeating an old behavior or getting caught up in an old cycle..feeling that freedom.

I say all this because i was at the top of a cycle the other night and I did not have to complete the cycle. I was asked by a dear friend to audition for something that, if it comes through, will be very beneficial. But in making the audition, I had to look at myself in a very close up and very detailed way. As you can imagine with the weight loss that i have had there are things that not perfect about my body and I found myself completely absorbed in the flaws in my body. to the point where I was grabbing food to ease my anxiety. No, not candy or anything deadly..just snacks..The point is I was stuffing myself in that same way that I have so often when discouraged and upset with myself. The ironic action of doing something harmful to myself because I saw myself as less than, not greater than. In the way this would have played out, this would have led to me getting completely off my diet, maybe skipping exercising, and moving me into a direction if not a crisis of inaction to a point where i really did make a reversal. But what happened? I saw, almost immediately what was happening. I talked about it with Michael. I got up the next morning and went for a run at lunch, I ate sensibility and i focused on the healthy outcomes of those imperfections I was seeing and I have been talking about it and them ever sense. I have literally defied that cycle to try and repeat itself...and it feels amazing.

Maybe it sounds like a lot of work, but it really is not. It is the simplist thing in the world: I want to grow. I want to pay attention to my behavior. I want to do what it right for myself. It is interesting that one of the best friends I have ever had was telling me on the phone how loving oneself enough to take care of oneself is primary to being able to love others. As this person was experiencing this, I was hearing it as well. No coincidences.

Alright..enough babbling...just thanks be!


Adam Freeman Personal Training  | Cape Fear Heart Walk! GIVE TODAY! | Crest Fitness | Custom Fit Meals| Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietitian | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Dentistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |o2 Fitness| Active.ComWithout Limits Coaching | Go Time| Cape Fear River Watch| New Hanover County Arboretum| Coastal Land Trust| Masonboro.org| Hook, Line and Paddle| Wilmington Road Runners | Cape Fear Cyclists

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Day 565: Greater than through love and support

I really do get why preachers get fat. Lord, the food at weddings! I was honored to officiate at another wedding this evening (sat) and true to form, the food was amazing. This wedding was a little different than the last though in that at 5:30 this morning we had hurricane force winds in the area and the wedding that was planned for this weekend, complete with decent down a staircase at the family home under oak trees by masonboro sound was just not gonna happen with a hurricane 70 miles off shore.

What i loved about the couple and about the occasion was that they looked at the situation, they reassessed what they could and they could not do and they adapted to what WAS in front of them and they had, truly, one of the most special weddings you could have ever asked for. They had acceptance. As a result, so much joy, so much goodness came out of this evening...and so many were able to join in and celebrate...that is BEAUTY...that is what it is all about. 

Once again, it was an honor..humbling..to be able to stand with a couple as they make their commitment to one another...but on this occassion, as we were still dealing with the effects of a hurricane, it was just nice to stop and celebrate love. Honestly, I think that when you get down to it that is what weddings really are, if they are not a self indulgent social/business endeavor. They are just a way to stop all that is going on and for a few hours focus on the connections that we can make with each other, eat things we traditionally run from becuase of trying to stay healthy (we feast!), and shut out all of those things that day to day invade our world in negative ways...and we just focus on essentially what is important....the love we share with each other.

In that room tonight I saw friends that I have not seen in a while. I actually had a chance to talk to someone that who I have felt disconnected from and with and work through that a little, share some time with people I admire, hug, laugh, and beam at Leigh and Randall, the couple getting married, and watch them enjoy their day.  While there were little things that happened in the evening that tried to creep in other aspects of what we deal with in people and situations who were not focused on celebrating, those things never took over, and we had an evening to just feel love. That was the celebration. that was the time.

Imagine taking time to have a "wedding" at least once a week. Time, at least once a week to have a "feast", however that is defined for us.  Connect or at least acknowledge the ones we love, focus our attention on love and relationships in deep and meaningful ways. Have a day to dance, even if we are on our own, and to listen to beautiful music, have a flower or two to brighten up the place..just one day a week to really focus...celebrate what is truly the only lasting and the only truly important thing we have in our lives and our spirits...love.

I have a feeling that if we did this...If all if us did this, it would change us and the world around us significantly. I have no doubt about it.

Now, I am off to run....my "feast" this weekend needs a little balance! LOL! but it was worth every bit!

Thanks be!

Adam Freeman Personal Training  | Cape Fear Heart Walk! GIVE TODAY! | Crest Fitness | Custom Fit Meals| Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietitian | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Dentistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |o2 Fitness| Active.ComWithout Limits Coaching | Go Time| Cape Fear River Watch| New Hanover County Arboretum| Coastal Land Trust| Masonboro.org| Hook, Line and Paddle| Wilmington Road Runners | Cape Fear Cyclists

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Day 562: Greater than through love and support

Started off the morning right. Today and Monday I did my routine on my own. I say "on my own", but let me qualify that by saying that what I was doing was prescribed by Adam and because of him showing me what to do, how to do, and how to be safe at it...I could be successful.

But that said..what was really amazing....and I know it really should not be amazing..but what was really awesome..was that throughout the routine, I never once cheated..I never once did less reps than were prescribed..and I heard something in my head that was just so incredible:

I was finishing lunges..which are HARD (make no lightness on these..and they take lots of effort and I dread them) buthen I finished the third round, and I had kept the pace so that I was steady, I moved my leg out far enough to get a good stretch, and I kept my hands to my side with the 20 lbs weights to stay steady, I heard me say to myself "good job". I was encouraging ME. None of that "you can't" in my head. None of that "wish it was over"

I heard and I felt in me a sincere appreciation to and for myself for a job well done. Folks, that is a BIG change. Make no mistake, I love myself as a child of God. I have learned over the years to think more positviely and to be better to myself..but this, this was sincerely a moment of change. It is almost hard to describe...because it was like what i have said about other things...where I have been in a group of people who said "we will love you until you can learn to love yourself" and I did.

Well, in this realm..Adam has given me so much and it has been his voice that i look to to say "good job" "well done"...and his friendship is a gift I am so grateful for. But today, it was me saying that to me! From inside my soul. What a powerful thing!

Make no mistake, I need my support system, but I am growing and today was a growth for me. It was a sense of self I have not really felt. Perhaps making a big deal out of finishing a workout on my own and encouraging myself seems like being over the top..but for me, it is another blessing. And I am not about to go without acknowledging my blessings. They are, all of them are precious...

thanks be!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Day 559: Greater than through love and support

It is Sunday and folks are gonna be here in just a few for a neighborhood BBQ. I went for run before and just got in. I am sitting here at Papa's desk and I looked up in the mirror and there was this man staring back at me....and there was the coolest feeling I have not had in years: I liked, physically, what I saw. No..this is not Narcissus! LOL! it was just a nice feeling to SEE me and to not be repulsed...or spend the time looking at me trying to hold my head just right so that I could deny the folds, the expanse...the damage that I was doing to myself. This came at a moment when I was looking at something on my laptop and in the back ground was "May the circle be unbroken" by Johnny cash, and It hit me how bountiful my life is with love, friendships, so much goodness. Certainly this life is forged in fire often, and cooled by a soft touch that polishes its current state..but, while we still struggle with things, I can still reach out and see really good things...and that is what I was feeling this morning. A comfort..a good feeling. I wanted to share that because these feelings..so deep, are precious..moreso than anything we posess.


Today, at the BBQ, folks are going to see the new "Gallery" display. I wrote a while ago that when I/we started getting healtier we redid out house. The room that I cherish the most not is the "big" room. It is space where we can, quarterly or with the seasons, change the art and things that are special to us so that we really can appreciate them, and we are never cluttered. The space is great to have folks over and to have a space of peace. My mother did an art piece that I treasure for my birthday, so this "show" in the Gallery space is about "faith, spirituality, and family"...that is so in sync with the fall as what is the harvest of our toil, our foot work, our daily living is the love, the connection to those we are closest to and something greater than ourselves. So, out went all the crystal..all those "bought objects, and in are pieces that are about the earth, the spirit, our family....it is very cool!


Happy Sunday everybody! and Happy New Week!

Adam Freeman Personal Training  | Cape Fear Heart Walk! GIVE TODAY! | Crest Fitness | Custom Fit Meals| Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietitian | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Dentistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |o2 Fitness| Active.ComWithout Limits Coaching | Go Time| Cape Fear River Watch| New Hanover County Arboretum| Coastal Land Trust| Masonboro.org| Hook, Line and Paddle| Wilmington Road Runners | Cape Fear Cyclists

Monday, August 15, 2011

Day 556: Greater than through love and support

So I vlogged on Satruday as I was leaving one event and heading out for another. I am sorry..vlogging just sounds inappropriate. But, here is the link:
I was pretty overwhelmed as I left the MLK Center. It was so very special. Sandra McClammy is one of those amazing souls that just makes good things happen. I have known her as long as I have been in Wilmington. In fact she won the UNCW Employee Excellence Award adn the Governor's Award when she worked at UNCW and then set out to 97.3 with Brandon Hickman (Big B) and they have done nothing but good ever since. So for 6 years they have been doing this Teen Summit..and for six years they have made a difference in the lives of these children! To be there was to witness just simple, good old fashioned goodness. Very cool.

But it hit me who was not there. Who was not in a lot of places where this kind of thing takes place on a saturday morning. Oh, I know..we all are busy..many have their own children to deal with and so much, so many things....but then again...we all have so much and so many things. It took exactly one hour on saturday morning to "show up" in that room. It took 1/2 that to just sit down and talk to the kids. I learned a great deal in that 1/2 hour..and maybe they got something from me. But it was one hour. ok..an hour and half. But, it was a short time. Imagine giving an hour a week to somebody..to an activity that feeds each other's sucess. Something that makes a differnece. An hour that might otherwise be spent watchign tv or just doing nothing. An hour. I know that I keep focusing on that...but it is real. I keep hearing that folks don't have time for this, that and the other...but we do. we do have time...adn the difference..the impact...it is...it simply is.

Ok..sorry..off the soapbox. It was special! I left there adn went to teh Fit Campt that Adam is giving for the Heart Walk...15 people have signed up adn more on the way..but 15 people! that is amazing! and crest stepped up to let these folks use their facitilies while this is going on...just one blessing after another...one amazing chance to make a difference after another..good things!

I ran so well after all that..a storm was coming and the breeze was amazing on me...4.1 miles around and it was lovely! What a perfect day!

thanks be!

Adam Freeman Personal Training | Cape Fear Heart Walk! GIVE TODAY! | Crest Fitness | Custom Fit Meals| Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietitian | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Dentistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |o2 Fitness| Active.Com| Without Limits Coaching | Go Time| Cape Fear River Watch| New Hanover County Arboretum| Coastal Land Trust| Masonboro.org| Hook, Line and Paddle| Wilmington Road Runners | Cape Fear Cyclists

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Day 451: Greater than through love and support

I am going to do an entire post about my birthday, but I needed to write about something that really came up in me as I was running today.

It really hit me today what it means to be a friend. What is required to be my friend. A lot of my thinking came from the blessings that transpired from my birthday weekend and how many people mean so much to me. It makes it even more glaring when I see dishonesty, appearances, and fear that rattle and plaque so many relationships around me. But moreover, the disfunction that is part and parcel of relationships built and lasting that have no real communication. Don't start thinking about people you know I know and start thinking about drama...this is just something that was really bubbling today..how very real friends are ..and what friendship means.

For me...it is about willingness and acceptance. I could give a rats ass if you have two cents to your name. I could also care less who your "people are". I also do not worry a great deal about what you look like. Mostly, I don't care that you mess up or make mistakes..big or small. None of that has anything to do with why I befriend or am friends with folks.

I do care immensely that people that are in my life care about others (but are no caretakers), understand the importance of family (but don't define family for others in ways that limit love), see beauty in each other and in the world around them and when things are the darkest actively seek beauty as a counterbalance, strive for the positive in real and sustainable way, and when they make mistakes, and they will and do..they seek ways to address them...and hold themselves responsible. That last one is the hardest for me and for each of us..but it is one that is neccessary. Essential. 

I love people..I adore them actually..but to be close to someone..to trust and be trusted..I have to know that we are going to be responsible with each other..emotionally and otherwise..that means taking care of the phycical, the mental, and the spirutal...and that takes all of us..helping each other. 

I am constantly amazed at the people in my life who see the weaknesses and the mistakes of others as an opportunity to feel better about themselves. Exploiting pain or hardship as a means to bolster their own sense of self or as a means to "get back:" or take advantage. Not just people who like fat jokes..but people who like to tell stories about adultry..or violence..someone else's defects or faubles. Don't get me wrong, this tongue of mine should fall out fo my mouth from doing the same..and I hate it in me as much as I hate it in otehrs..but I see it and I know that I cannot live that. I know that that is NOT what I want or can want for myself or in others. 

I repel from the idea that my worth is lessened becuase I associate with someone who is imperfect. As a spiritual person..hell, as a someone who professes Christ, it is just the opposite! To associate with those who are imperfect is to associate with OURSELVES..and to heal each OTHER. The trick is to not try and do it for the other person..but to be a loving support. To be my friend..you have to take help and show that you are willing to go to ANY LENGTH to get better..to be better. You show that..you have me for life. Do the opposite..well, I am out of here. And you damn well better expect the same of me.

But, to take joy in someone's lack of success, someone's pain, someone's harship or imperfection...the older I get..the more repellent, the more repgunant that becomes. Mostly because I am old enough now to see my own imperfections..my own flaws..I have made enough mistakes..I know I am not perfect..so who the hell am I to judge. My job is to love. My Job is to do what I can to do right by others. And those who I am closest to..well....my job is to acknoweldge, cherish, and keep on earning that gift each and everyday!

Bottom line..to be my friend..you have to show compassion and love. Fine..get angry when you see arrogance, avorace, selfishness...but have a heart to remember that there are those who can and do change and learn and grow...and they do so because we love them enough to see that in themselves...many people did for me...and I became a friend to myself and am here as a result.

Amen? Amen....: )


Friday, August 05, 2011

Day 548: Greater than through love and support


I have a very vivid memory of sitting in Mrs. Kuerner's class room in Davidson High School in 1980 and calculating in my mind the year that it would be when I turned 30. Memories were easier to remember from that classroom because it was one of three in the whole building that actually had air condition. This was mobile alabama (the third ring of hell and hotter) and if you think for a minute that schools are in trouble now..you should have seen a school that was built for air condition that had none and we were not supplied with toilet paper because of budget cuts. The vast majority of minorities at our school were bussed in, almost an hour, from an area called pritchett, and if you were not in honors classes, well, let's just say, life was not so pleasant! But I digress. 
Here I was, in the air conditon, my kelly green polplin pants with the embroidered whale belt and penny loafers with the appropriately dirty penny in them...complete with starched white polo and monogramed LL bean back pack..I was in the company of my peers..or at least trying to keep up with them...and we ruled the world by our ability to live about it.  Life was about the outside..what we could get..what we could have..what we had...who we were.."who are your people"...and defense..defense against reality. It was the time of Reagan after all. Glitz, glamour and LOTS of credit flowing out into the country...the age of the "most toys" wins was apon us.

It seemed an eternity, 30, and that  seemed to be an age when life would begin to wane and I would be heading towards retirement. A lot has happened since then. Alot.

Ok..so I still have some of the same clothes (hey, the are classic and comfortable! LOL!)....but the values that went with them..they melted with Reaganomics. I am afraid that the falsehoods of "appearances" and "things"..never "trickled" down. I had to find out, through a series of episodes in life what really mattered. That is a whole other, evolving story..and I would rather live that than write about it.

But, here I am, this weekend..WAAAAY past 30...and there is no waning.

I will be 45 this Sunday and just last weekend, for the first time in my life, I broke a 10 minute mile in a race. This week, inbetween training at 6am, I have run four miles on the alternate days and it felt amazing! I have been exploring the waters that we are so fortunate to have on a kayak. Been tearing up the trails I was so blessed to be a part of. Active in areas and ways that I could never have dreamed. My outsides, my physical self...that is a blessing! But, this three fold self..the mind, the body, the spirit...it is finally coming togther more than I have ever felt. And there is a certain sense of self that I just never dreamed of. I am not afraid like I was. No, I am no fearless. But I am more secure...and self aware. I have a deep and abiding faith..a spirtuality that I feel. It is a lifeline. However, having that sense of self, requires me. It requires my particiaption and my ability to remain open to learning and listening (two things I do fairly welll..with some proding! LOL!). There is a comfort in that. I am going to do what I can do and if others don't like it..well, that is ok. I may still not like to displease or disappoint..but I know that I have to be true to myself. It, life everything requires daily work. Someone once said years ago "wear the world like a loose garment". That is my aim.  As I am growing, there is SOOOOO much that pulls at me..at us. It is hard to stay focused, positive...it requires vigilance.

Who would have guessed that at 45 I would even have had the capacity. My birthday is not my celebration as much as it is one that I mark as a milestone to this journey..Anyone reading this knows that the "journey" for me is defined by the people, my higher power, and the things that come in teaching and learning along the way. I say it over and over that when Donnie gave me the gift of "branding" my journey "greater than through love and support"...he could have done no better. From this self centered, materialistic, kid of the 80s to where I am now....I have nothing but PEOPLE, through whom patience, tolerance, love, compassion, guidance, energy, intelligence, spirituality, and much more has come to me and given me this life. It is, I believe, true for all us..I am not by any stretch of the imagination unique, but I am, grateful!

Now...for my birthday..(you knew there would be an ask!...we have met, right?? Please make a donation to the heart walk! Cape Fear Heart Walk! GIVE TODAY!


 




Adam Freeman Personal Training  | Cape Fear Heart Walk! GIVE TODAY! | Crest Fitness | Custom Fit Meals| Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietitian | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Dentistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |o2 Fitness| Active.ComWithout Limits Coaching | Go Time| Cape Fear River Watch| New Hanover County Arboretum| Coastal Land Trust| Masonboro.org| Hook, Line and Paddle| Wilmington Road Runners | Cape Fear Cyclists