Monday, February 28, 2011

Day 415: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

 Got going early this felt good to have actually had a Sunday off and a "day of rest" that helped me to get started for the week. I am finding more and more as I get older that i have to have at least one day each week to "be off"..and whether that means to just have time to watch TV, or go to the beach, or sit and contemplate..I need that time to regenerate.

This morning was downright warm. It was Spring all over the place in terms of the weather. 2 Swans have taken up homesteading in the retention pond outside of the Gym and they were just having and early morning swim as I headed off for my run. It felt great. What felt even better was feeling my body underneath my run feeling..well..for lack of a better word "toned". Now, don't get me wrong..there is work to do...but there was this solid feeling as I ran and it felt really good and I felt "strong"...I am begining to enjoy that feeling. 

Adam was in his usual good mood to being our work out and we got busy on back, chest and arms. Again, I was feeling "strong" fact, sometimes I have to do a double take at what I am able to work with on the weights! It is even better when i don't have to adjust down the weight when Adam gets off the machine! That does not happen all that often (lol)..but when it does, it is amazing. Little by little, this 44 year old is progressing...It just makes me want to do more. 

Michael went with me this morning and that was awesome! It is like a family going in there now. From my long time friend David to the my new friends who moved here David and Brian..and all in between, it is just a great feeling to go in and be connected. 

We worked out well and off to work.  My office was unbearable in terms of the lack of air condition. We have had this problem for over a year and it has made us sick at times and we have struggled with it for a while. This morning it actually made me angry because all the pleading, asking, and struggling with it has gone on deaf ears...we are suffering, the students are suffering and we hear "it will be wednesday" as if that helps today or that makes it better somehow. 
I posted how i felt on my wall and some very dear friends got me out of the anger by reminding me how much worse it would be if this had been over a year ago and I was still at 348! I probably would have passed out for sure! It did not change the situation, but I was grateful to be reminded of something to be thankful for during that time and move me out of that feeling of helplessness and anger! I still am. 

I went to my commissioner's meeting this evening and I am ready for bed now. It has been a good day and I am thankful!

Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success! Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | American Heart Association | 02 Fitness Mayfaire | Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietician | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Denistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Day 414: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I started this blog on Wednesday, but it has been quite a week, so I am combining:

It is amazing how feeling...connecting...and sharing is so healing and is absolutely essential to stay the course for health and wellness. I know I am a broken record..but I need a daily reminder that I am a physical, mental,and spiritual being and if one or all of those pieces of me is stressed or distressed, how I respond or treat that can make the difference in how or even if I can recover,heal, or move through a difficult period. This week, with the loss of a dear friend my spirit was most certainly hurt. The sadness and the loss was huge. While I am still mourning..what had made my heart lighter is how I responded to this. I drove to Raleigh on Tuesday.

I was absent minded to say the least for a few days. I was lost in a mix of missing Julian and mourning his death and really being confronted with how life can change very suddenly one day at a time. Some of what I was feeling was fear..fear that if this could happen to him, it could happen to anyone..and ego centrically focused on it happening to me.

But fear or "fact (not in) evidence appearing real", is a state that needs to be walked through...and felt in my experience or it can be deadly, or at the least unhealthy. For so long I did with fear what i did with so many other emotions..I did something to appease it..comfort it...stuff it. Eat, buy, do whatever it took to try and satiate the fear. Over the years prayer has been a great help. But the greatest of all means to deal with fear with me was what transpired.

Tuesday, I met up with some of my oldest friends before the visitation and we had a chance to just sit and talk, reminisce and talk about what we where feeling. We all were in shock, but as we sat there, sharing and connecting, joking about time past and good memories, but also addressing some of the real issues and concerns we were all facing, it was like a weight began to lift and I found myself breathing easier. By the time I left the visitation, I was beginning to feel restored. I did not have to do something to myself or stuff myself or be unheatlthy..I could laugh, cry and even get angry and I was safe. My higher power works through me and He works through others. I have known this for a long time. On Tuesday I was embraced by God in so many ways...

When I got back to Wilmington, I did call in the next morning for training and ask if I could skip after such a long day the day before. Adam understood. But by the afternoon after work, I was at the gym and working out..doing what we would have done that morning.

The rest of the week is almost a blur. I was involved in a fundraiser for an agency that I have been a part of for a long time. Between that and trying to stay a float at work, it has been stressful and busy.
But, I have shown up for my health this week. I have shown up for my eating, and I am so grateful! By the weekend, I needed to just take the weekend off. yesterday i shopped for our house, cleaned my car, did laundry..focused on what we needed in our home. I ever got in a 5k and it felt so good to run.There had to be some down time!

Lastly, I am introducing a signature at the bottom for my posts. These are links to all those things I have discovered help keep my healthy or have been local businesses that have been so good in my ability to get what i need to be healthy! They are not paying me or endorsing me, but I want to recommend them. Keeping paying it forward!

 Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success!
Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | 02 Fitness Mayfaire | Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietician | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Denistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Monday, February 21, 2011

Day 408: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Some days you just "show up" and frankly..that can be a miracle. Today..I showed up. I am sad. very sad. I am mourning the loss of a very spiritual friend whom I have known for 25 years, who began his spiritual awakening the same month i did, just a few days apart from me 21 years ago. He, unfortunately did not survive his depression and took his life this past week. It is difficult to grasp, the end of a life that so touched so many in such positive and loving ways to a disease that is so baffling. But it is a disease and he has passed form this world, not of his hand, but from it.

So today..I showed up. Here is where my self absorption would have taken me to eating in sadness or hurting myself or just laying about. Funny how that behavoir did not nothing to bring back the loss of someone I loved it had the reverse effect of compouding my feelings of sadness by building on remorse, regret and ultimately anger., don't get me and yesterday I wanted to stay in bed and just stay there. Not move. Thoughts of my own issues swirled my mind and I was consumed at moments by the "what ifs". Thank God in heaven that I have learned to "change a thought, move a muscle" and that is exactlty what I did. I also talked about what I was feeling, shared my memories, found some old pictures and we even had a health dinner. The worst of my eating were some pretzels and light ranch and a protien bar. Not bad.

This morning, I woke and went to the gym. Adam was unwell, but guess what? The gym does not close when the trainer is not there! :) LOL! I found an email that he wrote with a routine adn after running..I went to it..and i worked hard. Michael even joined me and was my partner in training this morning. It made it so nice. My spirit was made full in that and it in all things..a way to move through.

I had some plans tonight..and i am ok with changing them. I do need to be quiet. I need to feel a little of this. I have been on teh edge of tears all day and need to get some of it out. Maybe a run and some time alone with me and God..then with Michael....we will see. But, I know this taking care of my showing up...there is a chance..there is a chance that good things will happen, that in this day there is a day well lived, and that my reprieve, my gift of life is just that!

Thanks be to God and to each and every person that is reading this today!


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Day 406: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

There are no coincidences in my life. The other day CeCe Nunn did an amazing story in the paper about a woman in the area who has lost 200 pounds and will be featured on the show "Heavy" on A&E. I was so moved by the story. First, you all know that Adam is the best in my life and I will always reccomend him as he is one talented trainer and truly a great friend and committed to this community, but in the article, it turned out that Debbie is being trained by Nick Kentrolis. Nick has been training folks in the area since 1985 and has been a supporter of my journey all along regardless of who is training me.

Nick too has been supporting the community and a lot of folks know him as well because he sings the star spangled banner at the heart walk! What a gift to see Debbie being trained by Nick and see her journey and all of it come together in such a great way for her!

Well, I facebooked here and knew from her response that this was a soul that "gets it'. She was as warm and loving in her response as you can be in a message and we made plans to hit the loop in the weeks ahead.

Well, today, I decided I needed a day for Michael and I. This week has just been intense and i needed a day off. It was also an amazing day in weather..and outside of head winds that were was after we did a lot together I got on the bike and took off for the beach. It was a great ride!
As I rounded the loop I saw a woman who looked a lot like Debbie and pulled over. When I asked her if it was her and told her who I was it was like long lost friends.

See the video:
(if you are a "follower", click here )

So, it turns out that the episodes with her on them begin to air on Monday nights at 10! There is a get together at 10pm at the Triangle Lounge and all are invited!

I am psyched about her journey and the show because I have tried (and Lord knows Adam has tried to get me to watch the other! LOL)..but I just cannot get into the biggest loser. I just despise the "competition" side of the show....the sending folks home. Obesity changes and getting healthy are/is not a freakin' competition! It is not a "challenge" is a commitment to one is a day at a time mental, physical and spiritual change that comes with love and support from others, but most importantly finding love for myself. It just has not room for and cannot include  jealousy and selfishness or desires to surpass or win against each other. This is just my experience and it is nice to see a show that is seeking to follow the progress of folks to succeed unabated by that kind of element.

Debbie is amazing and i cannot wait to continue to see her journey as I continue on mine! I also cannot wait to see her show! What an inspiration!

For more on her story you can see the local stories at WECT and the Starnews:

thanks be for Debbie! thanks be for these journeys!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Day 402: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

The add that is running in Encore Magazine as Thanks!

So, last night was the "Best of Wilmington 2011" from Encore Magazine (click on the ad above to go is a great resource in our commnunity and an awesome pub!).
It was a complete shock when I got the notice two weeks ago that this blog had been voted best blog. What was even better was that it was another way to get the word out to talk about the Heart Association, Adam's amazing Personal training and Heidi's nutrition and maybe reach a whole new group of folks who had never heard about it. That was the deal..that was the way to "pay it forward" for all the gifts I had been given...was to make sure that I made it happen that I got this to as many others as possible and we walked this path togehter! Well, you all made that possible by voting for this blog and making sure that it got noticed and Shea over at Encore made soem pretty sweet deals on the ads so I could pay for something that would spread the word as well! Win win all around!
This journy is a day at at time forever..this is not "lose a hundred pounds and then its over"...this is about health and wellness and finding ways to live that health and wellness. The beginings...yeah..that was really imporatnt because it brougth me to this point..but living this life..that is even better and sharnig that..even more so! we live healthier..know more about being healthier..that is what is to come..and as long as the blog is here..and you can go back to day one..I can keep it green, so speak and others can start on their own pace and see the jouney's beginings and see also where it leads! that is pretty cool too!

But is about saying thank you! Today is just a day of gratitude!
I posted on Ashley's facebook, Adam's, and on Kristi's adn I am going to on Heidi's how very grateful I am for each of them..through them, this miracle has occured becuase they were willing to generous in love and heart...not selfish, jealous or boastful...(remember my post on love yesterday). God, how amazing to have friends like that!! How blessed!

This morning, Adam and I worked out together. Each morning now we work out a differnet set of muscles and I run..yep..I run every morning a mile and a half. It is time that is a blessing, with someone who is blessed, who is my best friend out side my own partner. No matter what devils or ills are snapping at my heels, this is and will always be such a gift...and something I just cannot imagine I can ever repay..but this blog..this blog is my attempt and I pray it blesses...does whatever for others...

Happy happy day all!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Day 400: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"...

Tall order this description of love. I was thinking of this this morning after i worked out and being so grateful to have the love of my life next to me as I was getting ready for work...someone who has put up with me, supported me and been the most amazing partner anyone could have ever hoped for over the course of our almost 15 years of marriage!

But, as I was thinking about this, I was also thinking about the call of the definition into how I treat myself as well as others. Ru Paul always says "if you can't love yourself, how ya gonan love somebody else"..and he is right. But finding that love..finding that sense of worth sometimes is hard. I have been on that journey for a lot of years...and this health recovery..which is really what this journey is NOT weight loss, it is a recovery from bad eating, eating at things, emotions and things not in my contril, not taking time for myself, not treating me well, not not not not not...this journey is about recovering from years of doing things counter to love. Counter to being patient with myself, kind to myself...not being boastful or proud but having a real and true estimation of myself. This recovery is, in short, about finding love for myself...a real a genuine love.

I had an episode Satruday that was a great example. Saturday was the heart ball and it as amazing! I love these events and we were at work all day! About half way through something happened and I got very angry. No one knew it..but I was angry. In the back room there had been pizza ordered for the volunteers and while i had gone and gotten a subway sub, I walked in the back to cool down and when I was in there I saw the pizza. I downed two slices like they were air. I was stuffing my face because I was angry...rather than deal with it the way I would normally through prayer or just getting it out....and it was an old familiar behavior. As soon as I caught myself, I knew and acknowledged it, and no, I did not beat up on myself, but this morning, when I was thinking about "love"..I thought about how many times I had been "emotional" and had eaten at myself..or had done something so "unloving"....rather than find a way to deal with it more healthily.

I love myself more today..and can love myself enough not to hurt myself. The very act of eating right and exercising is an act of love. It represents a true acknowledgement that I am worthy of feeling good and having a quality of life where I can experience the blessings around me, and maybe, just maybe, by treating myself in a healthy manner, I can pass those blessings on. I know..I experience it everyday..that there is so much love that comes from other people that buoys me is overwhelming..truly overwhelming. In fact, saturday night as I flitted about that ball...I felt as good as I have ever felt in my life, not becuase I was looking sharp in my tux! (lol!)..but becasue, after that episode..I my head and heart back straight..and for the rest of the evening...I was hugging and connecting with the most amazing family of choice in the world...a room full of love...a room full of patience..kindness..not boastful or prideful...a room full of You get the picture...

So, maybe this post seems heavy handed..but it is real for me...I know that the love that I get EVERY SINGLE AMAZING DAY..from a higher power that loved me when I could not love myself..when I have days when I am unloving to myself..who loved me through others..and continues sometimes to love me in spite of myself...that love..your so very powerful...and it makes is so possible for me to love is ways that I never dreamt of...but am so freakin' glad I get to today..and want to more and more and more and more and more!

Happy Valentine's day..and EVERYDAY!

My higher power loves me enough to give me all these blessings in my life...I am just learning still how to be more loving. Exercising and eating right is an act of really is..becacause through it, I am happier, better able to live this life

Friday, February 11, 2011

Day 397: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

So proud of Michael getting up and going with me to the Gym this morning this is becoming a regular for us! It is awesome and he is starting to really enjoy it too!

I started back this morning running before I trained and it felt awesome! It was cold as hell...but it was great and it really did make a difference!

So today was the first day of the "new plan" of action with Adam! It was awesome. We are now working out together! Don't get me wrong..he is still the teacher and I am the student..but he needed to get in some time for working out with all the new clients he has (YEAH!) and this is something we can go with each other!

I was a little worried, to be honest..cause I watch folks "work out together" in the gym and what I see usually is one person standing around while the other one is working out. The other thing I have seen is a lot of talking and socializing in those set ups and not a lot of working. Adam and i talk enough as it is! LOL!
But, as usual, and sticking to the same thing that Adam told me from day one: "don't look at what others are doing!", we did our thing and it was great! In fact, on many of the exercises, we were able to do them in tandem and with the help of the mirrors (which, I am happy to say are more tolerable than they were a year ago!) Adam can still help me with my form and show me what to do. The other part was that I got to compare in a good way my strength to Mr. Yoda -Muscle and I am doing pretty good! Sometimes it is hard for me to actually know that I am getting better cause, while he says I am getting stronger and yes, it feels it, I don't "see it"...and of course it "burns!" actually being in tandem with someone that really is strong and fit and seeing that in many cases we are using the same weight with the same reps and he has to exert similar effort, helps me to know I am on the right path.

What takes this, on another level,  to a "whole nother level" is that we are going to do this 5 days a week...not just m/w/f and do concentrated work outs on sets of muscles each morning. Now, I have been exercising m-f as it is, so this  should not be a big deal, but it is a new twist on what we have been doing and of course I get "excited" about changes! :) I have to see that I can do it. But,  like the little engine that could "I think I can...blah blah blah!" LOL!

If you had ever asked me a year and two months ago if I would go to the gym each day I would have said I just can't find the time. But I had time to be out with back issues, sick, time to do all sorts of things that were unhealthy and while it is an effort some days..taking one-freakin hour to go and work out is just not that big of a deal any fact, it is an essential part of my life now.

So much good...thanks be!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Day 396: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

"This I will not give"

I remember in another self help group there was this discussion about character defects. Now, don't go off the deep end with thinking that someone is bashing themselves when using the term "character defects". We all got em...and Lord knows I do,  and I have had them in droves at some points more than others.

But the discussion was about being willing to take stock of one's good and bad, take responsibility and then to become willing to let them those defects, discovered in an honest and thorough examination, go. Note the term "willing". Nothing was said about removing the defects, just being willing. A higher power was involved in the removing part.

At that time the "deadly sins" where used as examples as a starting point to look at what character defects were..."sloth", "greed" etc. It was a good exercise and as I became more aware of those things that impeded my spiritul, mental, and or physical growth or development, the list or awareness could be added to and I could become willing...

The point of all this? Well, there were times when I faced something I was not sure I was willing to let go of. For instance, I had a wicked sarcasm that I thought was really funny. It was pointed out that that sarcasm could be a mask for anger or real barbs masked as humor and that i might think about becoming willing to let go of it.  I was open to hearing what was said, but at the time I was not willing to let it go". The response was from a dear mentor, "why don't you say that you are not willing to give this keep listening...maybe one day, that will change."

Sure enough, I did just that and at somepoint down the road, I did come to realize that I was indeed masking an awful lot of anger and, well, meanness behind sarcasm and that was not who or what I wanted to be and became willing to have that removed. Today, my sarcasm is more in check and part of my daily inventory...but it is something, that by being "willing" to have removed, was.

So, now I am a year into changing my health practices and I have found some real similarities in what i am willing to give up and somethings that I have not been willing to give up...and I realized that I have had to create  a "not today" list. 

See, like the sarcasm, which, when it was pointed out to me might be negative, I knew in my heart they were right, but I was not ready to let go of something that had been part of my protection for a long time. I was not ready to let go a release valve for some not so pleasant stuff in me...but I was willing to listen and take the risk later when I was in a firmer place and I could handle more change.

Well, the same has and is happending as I have changed my eating habits and my working out. At first I was willing to do so much..a dying man grasping for a life preserver. But I was not going to give up soda, I was not going to let go of steak, I was not going to give up potatoes, etc etc. And all of that was just fine at that time, because I ended a 40 year relationship with fast food, I ended eating candy of ANYKIND, I ended eating chips and fatty snacks, I ended eating pizza (and remember we were eating pizza two or three times a month..sometimes a week), I ended eating little debbies, cakes, and cookies, I ended eating hunks of cheese and cheese toast, I ended eating pasta by the buckets with every meal, I stopped using butter everytime I cooked....these are just a few changes in my eating that I made and they were HUGE changes! So..If I held on to diet coke, if my portion sizes were still to large at times, if i had triscuits and sourdough pretzels, if I had some things that were healthier but not on target, it was OK...because I have to make changes so that the changes are sustainable!

But here is the sarcasm, i know that portion sizes are not good if too large, diet sodas are not good for me, water is somehing I need to do better with, and a whole list of others..and these things are on my "this i will not give list".

I know myself and if I load myself with the expectation that i have to do it "all" will become "all or nothing' and you can guess what will happen. That is not going to happen here. There will be no setting myself up for failure by overloading myself. This journey has been successful because in each step of the way I have said I am willing more often that not, but have had the foresight to give myself a break and put somethings in perspective until I am able to handle it.

I guess I marvel at the "cold turkey" folks who can just stop it all, change and it is all ok. That is not me. I have made changes that I am very proud of, but I have to acknowledge those changes and see them for the big deal they are...and truly be grateful for them...and the changes that I know will come, because my head is on straight about wanting to be as healthy as I can be, will come on the day and time that they are supposed to..again because I am willing....

That is a lot of typing and I know get circuitous in my explanations sometimes, but I think I have said it pretty least for me...I am on a journey of progress not perfection (this is not mine and I am so grateful to have been given this one) and today, I am willing....
I pray tomorrow I will be willing to

cause i gotta tell you...what i have seen so far..this life is amazing!
thanks be to God!

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Day 395: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I was sick since last thursday and began writing this post on Sunday:

A little better today, but still sick and frankly, sick and tired of not doing anything. I have been in this bed since Thursday night after I got back from the Wilmington 10 remembrance. I wanted so badly to go and meet Reverend Ben Chavis afterward and shake his hand for all that he did and has done, but I just could not. I was, by the end of it, completely zapped of energy and while I was feeling something coming on all week, I was not prepared for what hit.

Oh well..aside from not training on friday, eating stuff while not training (althuoght I am happy to say that while I ate too much of the good stuff, I did not comfort myself with anything inapporiate. Michael got us Pita delite, Zoe's and hibachi take out, and I ate oranges and my main comfort food was black bean brownies. I had some spinach, tomoato and feta pizza from incredible pizza, and was ok with that...but the no exercise really stunk!

what has been great though is that by posting about being sick, I have found some great new things for keeping me healthy! I learned about the
Netipot: It is amazing how this works and while it seemed very uncomfortable to use, it cleared my sinuses and probably helped me not to have more infections like sudafed!

I also learned of a Vitamin company right here in North Carolina that I can order from when I don't get my vitamins from Tidal Creek:
Vitacost is a North Carolina Company and i love to support North Carolina if not Wilmington Companies!

I take the megafood, men over 40 vitamin an it is completely kick and thier price is amazing!

So, being in bed was productive at least for this!

I got back to the gym this morning and was doing pretty well. I was a little frustrated, but I was able to do some arm and chest work with Adam. My push ups were not as good as usual and I knocked out 20 on the floor and about 15 on the second set on the bozo ball..and the third set was about 18 on the floor..the pull up was not as good either...but Adam was very encouraging about being back after being out sick...and my lungs were burning! :) It was just great to be in and feel like I was doing something! LOL!
He and I have come up with a plan to take things to the next is going to get intereesting I think...
Stay tuned! :)