So, maybe it was the heat tonight on the elliptical or maybe it is just where I am, but I got to thinking alot about food that I "miss" and that possibly I may not have again. I was thinking alot about it.
The biggest myth I live with each day since this change is the myth that food connects me to my family, my roots, who I am. I have been doing this to myself for years. As a child of divorce, I found ways to connect to "roots" that I was told were so important. And family is important. However, fatty foods that make me unproductive, unhealthy and have a great deal to do with the root causes of most of the early deaths of a great number of my family..well, those, I have realized, are not that important.
I cannot tell you how many times I have literally teared up thinking about my grandmother's biscuits! Those were PURE LARD with white flour and buttermilk and on top of that, we added BUTTER and LOTS of it! The last few years, I have been the bell of the ball when I have shown up with chicken pastry at the family reunion made by a local caterer that you would swear was made by my grandmother. And while it is wonderful, there is so much fat and cholesterol in this, I can feel my ateries building walls of plaque as we speak.
Now don't get me wrong. My Uncle James's homeade sausage, the amazing greens with side meat, the fried chicken, annie mae's pies, grandmother's biscuits, the hoop cheese...all of that was amazing food, not to mention the great BBQ..eastern style..but, that food was from a time when folks were more active, farmed, did more, and lived an entirely different life..and BOTTOM LINE...THAT FOOD is not my grandmother's love or my family's approval, or real comfort or security. All of those things are inside me already and that is a spiritual and mental thing, not a physical one that is fed by a substance.
The romanticism, that southern story that I want to tell everytime I put a mouthfull of fat in my mouth about my greatgrandmother putting this and that on the table that I still have and how special it is and how much it brings it all back...blah, blah, blah...well, folks...that food is NOT that feeling. I have associated a feeling of belonging, of love, and of family with something that frankly is just not good for me. The same way I have done with other "comforts".
Is there something wrong with "comfort" foods? Or experiencing a memory in food for me? I don't think so...but to eat these things regularly...to not make a difference in my diet..to not embrace the love in those memories but move on to things that make me a better person..well, that does not honor all that love that went into those meals....cause I won't be taking the life that they gave me, and the advantages that brought me to a place of understanding and untilizing it to make a difference. I know my grandparents and greatgrandparents..and they wanted the best for me..and they worked to see that I had it better, even than they did. How I honor that today is by living this life the best I can, in the healthiest way possible.
I also am having a different relationship with food. Substances just can't replace or be in place of feeling whatever I got to feel. If I am happy, I don't have to celebrate with food. If I am angry...I don't have to eat at the problem, and the same can be said for being down or for being in a state of boredom for that matter. I can "CHANGE A THOUGHT MOVE A MUSCLE"....hell, I can even pray! Imagine that! :) But I don't have to fill me up today with something that will ultimately hurt.
So, clearly, the treadmill was productive today. It also came after a VERY hot ride over on my bike (yes, mother, I hydrated and waited till after 5, so it was cooler...and I went to the gym because it was too hot!) I even got off the elliptical every 10 minutes to give myself a little breather. I did my sprints at level 13..and got 2, 10 minute sets of those in! It was very productive and the last 10 minutes just straight through.
It was a great day!