I would say "it's that time of year", but I know that is only part of it. See, every Fall since I can remember I go through this seasonal down...it is just something I deal with and always have. But this year I am not sure if it is the seasonal stuff as much as some emotional things as well as stress from things around me. What i do know is that today and for a couple of days it has been "putting one foot in front of the other" and that is about as much as I can do.
What's really different? Well, I am exercising and eating differently than I have for the last decade or more, and while it has only been about 7 months or so, it is something that I am committed to. That means that this voracious appetite, this need to curl up and just sleep and watch tv...this desire to run to anything and everything that brings "comfort" is a choice still...but NOT an option for me this time around. So far today, I have over done it with sugar free ice cream and pretzels with low fat ranch...and yes, that does sound minimal...but it is the act, not what I am doing that I don't like. I don't need to eat or to feed my down with substances. By knowing what I am feeling and really addressing it, I can walk though it and maybe even do something differently this time.
On Monday I got up at quarter of 5 and headed out to Raleigh for a pretty stressful day. I was anticipating the stress..the drive and the effect on my back, the tension with a family member, and the concern I had for another family member and what was ahead at the appointments we were all going to. As we thought, the appointments were difficult and the end results were not good and told a story that held not an immediate end, but one that would have an ending soon..with a potential for pain and deterioration. I think it was the later that was the worst part. There is enough suffering...or so I think. It is frustrating not to be able to take suffering and pain away from others. I watch it with my own family and it is so...well, I feel my powerlessness. I truly know my own limits through this and have learned what I can and cannot do. Others' pain is not in my control. I know that. It, however, does not make it any less difficult nor does it make me less angry at times. I despise those who are so simple as to say "God's plan" without so much as a look at how we cause pain and those who are so hateful as to say "we get what we create" without a look at the compassion that we can give to each other and our world because of God. No, there is no contradiction there. Faith and responsibility. Inseparable. What lightens it is the love I feel from my God.
I have said often, suffering will be among the big questions I want answered in the next life. For now, I do have faith in free will and I have faith in the compassion and love that comes through us from Him. I do know is that there is nothing to be gained in taking on someone else's pain and making it my own..that is false and does not help those in pain..in fact it can exacerbate it by not being well and whole for them and making their pain a self-serving thing. There is also nothing to be glorified in being the martyr for "suffering" the loss of another. However, I can be there, show up, and take it like everything else...one day at a time with love always as the first thing in action and deed.
Sorry..got off on a tangent...
After we were done with the appointments, I went to Whole Foods and got good things to eat...too much of it...but I got things that would be healthful. I started back on the road and made a call to Michael and then my mom and then just spent the drive back thinking. I decided when I got back that I needed to do my work out like a regular monday. I was on my own on this since Adam was not here on monday, but when I pulled in I went inside, dressed out and got on my bike and headed to the gym.
I got in and was proud of myself...I did 2 sets of bozo ball squats with curl and over heads with 17.5 weights x20, I did two sets of 20 push ups, 1 set of 12 planks on 17.5 weights with the pull ups (pulling each weight up once on each side while in the position of a push up), 2 sets of 20 sitting legs squats at 210 pounds, 2 sets of 20 chest presses at 90lbs, 2 sets 20 of pull downs at 110 lbs, 2 sets of 20 crunches on the machine at 110 lbs, 2 sets of 20 back stretchy things...and then I bikes back home.
I felt pretty good about doing this and it helped me mentally and emotionally. I wrote some really close folks and told them I needed a day to myself and took today to just be in the house and take the day completely off.
While it is still emotional and like I said, the eating thing was a little difficult to contend with, the day was relaxing..I just feel a little off.
Tomorrow I go back to work and I am aiming to start my day with my regular workout. I need to get through right now with what is normal for me NOW..and what is normal for me now is to eat three meals...healthy meals that have veggies and low fat chicken or lean meat....very little snacks, but snacks that are fruit or low carb/fat when I have them, no diet drinks...exercise...and pray and talk and feel what I need to feel. That is what is normal right now for me...and I pray that if I am granted another day...that day will have those things!
I am so grateful for this life.
Good night!
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