Bo Dean's Blog In Wilmington North Carolina

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Day 595: Greater than through love and support

of the many things I inherited from my Daddy, not wanting to shop is one. I remember when I was growing up there was a men's store in Fuquay called Ashworth's. "Skinny" Ashworth was awesome because no matter how long it had been since he had seen you, he knew your size, what you like and what you needed. You just called Skinny and then went in and picked up your purchases and left. Outside of some chit chat between he and daddy, there was not much time spent in the store. It was heaven!

I have been that way most of my life since. I know what I want..I buy it and I leave. In fact, I have been wearing pretty much the same clothes since I was 10, just different (and in years past VERY different, sizes). But I digress.

What is ironic about the speed of my shopping for clothes or pretty much ANYTHING that I buy is how much I will shop around when I want to find an ANSWER to a question to an issue that does not quite suit my liking.

This came up recently when I was giving someone else a hard time. But as always, when I have one finger pointing out, I got three fingers pointing back.

It got me to think about how long I spent trying to find a root cause to my overall health issues. My denial was so very deep. I literally would be out for days and weeks with my back, and I would go to see a specialist, get pills, and special equipment to treat the back issues. I was having horrid acid reflux and literally I could not swallow and would have to excuse myself from the table to go and throw up to continue eating because of digestive issues, so I went to a digestive specialist to get medicine so I could eat. I had heart issues, so I went and got heart medicine. My clothes did not fit and unfortunately they made the clothes I always had worn in bigger and bigger sizes, so I just shopped around till I found them and just kept buying them in bigger and bigger sizes. My feet even needed wider shoes and for some reason my shins would hurt on walks. But it was the shoes fault and I would shop for better soles..better support. I shopped around constantly and frequenly for every solution to every issue trying to get the answers that I wanted to avoid THE BIG ISSUE:

I was obese. I was unhealthy..and I had to change.

Everything..and I mean EVERYTHING was tied to that one issue. And no matter what I did..no matter what pills (and there where lots of them!)..no matter what therapies I tried, prayers I performed..no matter how sober I stayed, how much I gave to the world around me, no matter how much I loved God and my fellows, as long as I was not loving ME ENOUGH to take care of my health...then the stores, the venues, the outlets, the kiosks that I was laying down my money and time were not going to produce for me one item that would create a sustainable solution or change because what i was shopping for was keeping me from the very thing that could truly fit..that could truly make a difference.

I have learned over the years about this part of my "shopping around for answers". I have learned that taking the straight forward approach and dealing with things I dislike, that seem hard, that seem sometimes insurmountable actually can be easier. But it takes a fearlessness that, well is for me only possible when I truly feel that support and love around me. When I know that when I step out on that precipice that someone, something is there to hold and guide me. I have that faith today..and I have another piece of experience with this new phase of health to share that by stepping out and really zeroing in on THE issue...by not deflecting it any more and trying. really trying to take it head on, one day at a time..well, so much has and is happening I could never have dreamed of!...So,....from here on out..when it comes to my health..I have a clearer picture of what i want...and I am NOT shopping around..I am going for it...and I am leaving with it...and hopefully wearing it to the best of my ability. Thanks be to God!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Day 593: Greater than through love and support

In all these years it has never ceased to amaze me that if I listen to what is coming out of my mouth when I am talking to someone that I am dispensing my "pearls of wisdom" to..inevitably those very words are the ones that I need to be hearing, processing, and living by myself! :) It is kind of wonderful actually!

Tonight I was listening to someone I love very much and I started to lay out all the stressors (good and bad) that I was witness to in this person's life. I was saying how taking stock of all of this was neccessary to really be clear and honest with oneself to be able to be sure to take care and to be good to oneself, but also to be fair about involving others or taking on anything new.

I had to laugh when I got off the phone because I heard that voice inside me (and yes, there are voices...no medication needed! LOL) that said..."you did hear what you just said..right?" I thought about it and then I listed out the stressors (both good and bad) in my life and when I sat there for a minute and realized how much I have allowed to gather on my own plate, well, let's just say the blessings I was facilitating for another was flowing back to me in my own awareness! :)

This comes on the heels of a week in which stress got to maximum levels. We had the dedication of the honors college where I have worked for 11 years and along the way there were some personal issues with people that i love that came up, and I was trying to keep up with appointments and meetings as well. It was just too much. Period.

The thing that exacerbated it all was that I was having some real issues with my own self image this week as well. I was looking in the mirror and seeing this fat man. I have talked about not being able to see my weight loss before, but this week was really bad and I was having some real issues. I have really fallen in love with running, but I know not to push myself too hard because I do not want to injure myself to hurt my chances of being able to exercise regularly. Well, on one evening this week, after literally working and being in meetings and class all day, for a 14 hour day, I still went for a run. I conned myself into thinking this was "stress relief". But what it really was was absolute fear of being fat and concern over what i saw in the mirror.

Ok...so this is a problem...but one that I am actually glad happened, because it is something that by seeing it, I am learning from it and am on the other side of it. I got so stressed this week that my ability to feel healthy was out of reach so my abiltity to see myself as healthy was out of reach. My own mind let me see me in ways that were just not accurate.

A real gift, though, came to me as one of my students was taking pictures at the dedication and he took a picture of me that was profound. I got home Friday night and I downloaded the photos and I saw this photo and for a minute it was hard to see "me". But then, I realized, the pretty thin guy standing there (in profile no less), was actually me. I was not posing, not tucked in, not styled for the camera. Dylan had just caught me in the moment. It was like seeing myself for the first time..and there was no "fat man" in that picture. There was the "me" that I wanted to be. It is my profile picture right now. I can't really explain it, but it was not a narcissistic moment, it was a real moment of "seeing".

The next day, I went to the Rape Crisis Event "walk a mile in her shoes". I was renewed, but still tired. I put on the heels and set out with the crowd. I was walking with this couple who had shirts on from another gym and they were asking me about my journey, having heard about me from another. I told them about it and it was as if my week was in their minds. They asked me if I had any more weight I wanted to loose and I said maybe about 10 to 15. the husband started asking me if I could "see" my weight loss? I laughed and said as a matter of fact I was just having that issue with stress this week. He said he and his wife had had the same issues and to watch out becoming obsessed with it as being able to "see" yourself and be healthy is as important and "feeling" healthy and balanced. We had a wonderful talk that only reinforced what I had seen and experienced in the week and I just marveled that this conversation with these two strangers (as I am walking the streets in high heels no less!) came to me. God I love how it works!

I don't know if I will ever truly "see" me without seeing some issues. But I do know that stress inhibits my vision on many levels, that a lot of my stress I CREATE, that I am in control of a great deal of what I choose to do, and that my choices, given these last 22 years can be more often than not, very positive. As I grow, I want my choices to be more of those that build on those that create the best in what I can be and do. I can choose to be a lot of things: spiritual, loving, sober, loyal, married, charitable, forgiving, open, honest, forthright, openminded, on time, responsible, accountable, and as I have seen in this last year and a half, I can choose to be healthy in body, athletic, energetic, and motivated... and I can choose to see myself in a positive and affirming light...right sized, and loving. I can also choose to work on those things that inhibit my choices, my vision, and my growth.

For today..I am just so grateful for the awareness.....and a picture taken by a student who had no idea they were taking a picture that would make such a difference for me.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Day 590: Greater than through love and support

Is it thursday? really? Lord have mercy it just goes so fast! LOL!
This week has been amazing and VERY busy! but I was running the other night and I remembered something that came up in my mind when Adam first approached the subject of runnning I swore I was going to tell on myself and write it down.

So, in the late eighties, I was watching "Designing Women" and Julia Sugarbakker took up running with some of her friends. She got very competitive as was her propensity in most matters and the "moral" of the story was that her competitive nature was hurting more than her "moral" standing as "running" was, as they said, bad for her and bad in general for knees and ankles. Ok..so, I let that story..that friggin sit com get into my head and for two decades..almost three went around talking about running being bad for you because of what JULIA SUGARBAKKER HAD TO SAY ABOUT IT ON DESIGNING WOMEN!...no, I am not lying..I am telling the truth.

Why am I telling you this? Well, it is another way that misinformation got into my mind and ultimately kept me from something that could not only help me but has shown me a great peace, a great freedom..a great joy! Hell, it shows me that not doing my homework, not looking into what was right for me and what works for me can really have a deleterious effect on my health..and for a long time!

I remember that when Adam started talking to me about running, I immediately came up with "but my knees...my ankles..running is not good for me"..and I remember him saying..."where did you hear that"...and I have to admit that at first I just did not know..but when I figured it out...I was just to embarrassed to say. So, when I was running the other night..when I was feeling how amazing it was to RUN and to feel that freedom..and I remembered good ole Julia Suggarbaker running back into her big ole southern living room...I had to laugh. But laugh realizing that I cannot allow, ever, anecdotal information to inform me on my own health. Not to mention that no matter how much I now WANT to be healthier, I am still dealing with an old habit that is in my thinking still....see there was that person back in the last eighties listening to Julia Suggarbaker that was looking for a reason NOT to exercise. NOT to run when my friends where running. There was that part of me that was looking for an answer that would satiate my own desires to NOT have to do things that would make me change behaviors or do things for myself. See, that is the part of my mind that can and does justify all sorts of things that can hurt me...and no, that is not what I want and I have to recommit to each and everyday.

So, just for today, I have to let Julia Suggarbaker be a remnant of my tv past and turn to my friend Adam for expert advise....but moreover...turn now to my own experience of running and feeling that freedom and realize that doing what is right for me takes understanding how to do it..and how to do it for me...and then doing it...that is what has transformed my life...and tonight I am so grateful for it!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Day 586: Greater than through love and support

So I am trying to start an internet craze...a little self serving..but one that I hope takes off.

I, from time to time, really enjoy shouting out on my status something wonderful about the people that I love and that i admire. But this week, I was running the trail and I happened on Dr. Dan Johnson as he was riding his bike home. I slowed down and as i did he grinned from ear to ear and said that he has just gotten two more donations for the Miracle Field at Olsen Park in excess of 20k.

Now, that might not sound as impressive to corporate fundraisers or to folks in the profession who do this for a living, but Dan is a professor of Health and Applied Human sciences at UNCW and and he another dear friend of mine, Dr. Candy Ashton, focus on the accessibility to parks and recreation to all people...the disabled, the differently abled..they have spent their careers on this and they are amazing.

But what is so special about dan is that I remember about 6 years ago when he came to the Parks Advisory board with the idea of a hard surface ball field in which wound warriors, people in wheel chairs, all people, children and adults could have access to the same games and recreation that so many enjoy and take for granted. Gary Shell, the visionary that he was, was thrilled, and we were all moved. Gary saw this at the park that has become the joint city county park, olson..but it was Dan and this HUGE dream that moved if forward. Mind you there was and is NO funding for this. that did not hinder of stop dan. He assembled a group and they are on their way towards the million bucks in this economy. See, they are believers in something good, something lasting, something that transcends politics and "stuff" and they are working on that end for HEALTH AND WELLNESS for ALL people.

So, I was thinking about Dan..and the biggest thing that came out about him, was how humble he was. So like my friend Gary..and I was at the least going to say, out loud, NOW, while he was and is on this earth, how special he is!

This moved me to want to start this movement: I Spy.

Oh..it is not just the Dan Johnson's of the world. Why not use my status on facebook to share about the cahier at the grocery store that takes such good care of me named Ms. Sarah or Ms. Gloria at the Dry Cleaners. Why not talk about the woman that I know who makes so many meals for Interfaith and tends to homeless families. Why not use my status to talk about the attorney that I know did pro-bono work for a couple seeking adoption. See what I mean. I figure if this takes off, then we will have status after status, after status of the "good news' about each other.

I guess, I am on this for a lot of reasons. First and most importantly because I see and experience so much good everyday and want to share it. But second to that is that in our media and in our social media there is so much negative. So much that is about personal lives. Hell, we publish mugshots of people BEFORE their trial as if they were indeed convicted of crimes and I know plenty of people who just LOVE to search those pics. We live for the juicy photos of fallen politicos. The Perez Hiton's of the world. We chase down the dirty details of the private lives of those we feel are so powerful or important. I have seen so many status's regarding yelling or decrying this service person or that service person who somehow inconvenienced us. So much fills our virtual and printed space with negative that is almost accepted. It makes something good, something well done seem rare or special. I want good and special to be the norm..as there is a lot of it...at least some balance.

I think the last reason is the worst for ME of all. It is the way we talk and share about each other. We "bless the hearts" of people to death, but we love to share a good story about the tragedy of others. Oh, I know there is sometimes real sincerity in our talking about and sharing sympathy for the pains of others. But let's be honest. Why are we talking about it? I have to check my motives. If I occupied my time with talking about the good that I see, I would not have time for the other. I am very guilty of the former. Sharing my angst about someone. It is not something I want to do or want to be a part of...and it is up to me to do better. At the root of it I usually find fear, jealousy, anxiety, insecurity, something within me that spurs this on and that is not what I want.

I remember daily that I am a three fold being: physical, spiritual, mental. If I am truly to be healthy..if my insides and outsides are to match, this has to be a part of it.

So, I will shout the good news, put the bad where it belongs (in the hands of God)...and maybe, just maybe this will catch fire on the internet and we will all be in the proverbial station wagon playing a game of "I Spy" on this long, but amazing trip!

here is the link to "like" I Spy"

Monday, September 12, 2011

Day 580: Greater than through love and support

Tonight was a special vigil held at UNCW as the NC Legislature debated whether to write discrimination into the constitution of our state. I was asked to speak. This blog is dedicated to my life: mind, body, and spirit. Tonight, being honored to speak at this event, surrounded by over 150 caring and amazing people form 17 to 80, I knew that in the darkest moments, there is hope, as long as we act and act together: bound by our common humanity and decency. There was love in that place tonight...and love will prevail. That is what this journey is all about: we are greater through love and support:

This is what i shared:

I have a little show and tell for you all tonight!

These are the glasses of Sylvester Allen Austin, my great-grandfather. He was born in the 1880’s in Harnett County right here in North Carolina. He lived his entire 94 years in Harnett and Wake County and I had the privilege until I was 13 years old of going to his home and sitting with him and listening to him tell stories about this state, the world, and literally unveil for me what no history book, movie, or video could ever reveal.

Through these glasses he witnessed more change in one lifetime than any of us could ever fathom. Think about it: the rise of the gilded age, cars, planes, rockets, moon landings, industrialism, phones, tv, radio, records, tapes, movies. And in his world, here in North Carolina, he grew up just 20 years from the Civil War..worked shoulder to shoulder with former slaves, he saw Jim Crow at its height and watched it’s dismantling. He saw hate and saw divisiveness.

But Papa saw that there was a better way, and that is what he taught his daughters and that is how he and my great grandmother lived their lives.

That is the North Carolina that I inherited.

In all those years what my great grandfather NEVER saw was discrimination written INTO the constitution. Ironically, it was just the reverse.

The world that he worked and literally toiled in as a farm owner and a small businessman, that he aspired to see given to his children and ultimately to me, well, he would never have guessed would end up in the hands of a body like it is on this eve where a citizen is proposed to decide, not on their own ideas of what is right or wrong, but to have the state sanction AGAINST its own.

Now, I have another artifact. This one is a notebook. In it is a letter written by Lois Austin, who became Lois Austin Phelps. She was writing it in Campbell College in 1936 to the Raleigh News and Observer. In the letter she is commenting on the suggestion that she had read in the paper in which others had indicated that African Americans did not have souls and were not equal to Caucasians.

She was writing to say that such notions were, as she said “absurd” and she believed that we are “equal in God’s eyes”. I loved her snippy retort in the margin when she says in that too perfect handwriting “every educated person would agree”. Her letter was very passionate and succinct. But it was also brave. At that time, it was not the common thing for a woman of her age, color or locale to speak out much less write such a letter.

Lois was Mr. Austin’s daughter and my grandmother.

She is the North Carolina that I inherited.

Tonight..I can point here in the audience and there is Nancy Lois Phelps Hodges. She is the granddaughter of Papa Austin and the daughter of Lois Austin and my mother. Don’t need an artifact for her, she is a living example of the North Carolina I inherited. She has spent her life continuing the trend set for her, breaking through glass ceilings and frankly..just showing up for what is right.

She is the North Carolina that I inherited.

So here I am. The inheritor of these glasses, this notebook, and my mother’s example. Here we all are on the eve of watching our North Carolina decide on letting other’s decide on writing discrimination into OUR constitution. It is no surprise that we are here. That is the sad part. We knew it would come.

But it is NOT who we are. It is not what is right and we have a charge. If, after every call, every email, and every personal connection is exhausted, this comes to pass, then it is up to each of us to ensure that the North Carolina that I have outlined…that I have inherited is the North Carolina we leave to each other and those who come beyond us:

From My Great Grandparents: a North Carolina that continues to expand freedoms, heals divisions, and moves forward

From my Grandmother: a North Carolina that becomes more educated and EXPECTS to be educated and is FEARLESS in its advocacy and its defense of what is right

From my Mother: A North Carolina that is a power of example for others, that braves new paths and regardless of circumstances continues to show up!

This will happen if each and every one of us will be willing to be unified, educated, fearless, powers of example and for God’s sake..show up when the time is nigh! 

The legislature has passed the bill and it will move to the people. The time is nigh.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Day 579: Greater than through love and support

"Be the Change you wish to see in the world"
I vlogged today. Hope you can view it:

Monday, September 05, 2011

Day 573: Greater than through love and support

This has been an amazing weekend...I guess yesterday was one of the bigger moments though:
I ran from our house in College Acres to Wrightsville beach. Yep! It was amazing. I got out for a run and wanted to do the Eastwood Road trail and I thought about it and realzed from our house to Rogersville road was a little over 2 miles. If I did that distance again, i would be close to the beach and since I have been running a four mile trail from time to time around UNCW, why not.
It felt great! I honestly did not really feel it until I hit the draw bridge. Even then I only felt it in my toes. My legs were in great shape. The cool part was that as I was running, Adam and Koral passed by...it was nice to see them and share that moment.
I crossed over the bridge..and it was STUNNING. The boats going out, the beauty of the intracoastal...along the way, it was like this...intermittent trees and landscapes and I was running! running through all of it!
I got close to the beach and did the following video:

Here is the link:
http://youtu.be/Xvpk5y2Do9w

But as soon as I hit the sand, I called michael. For me it was a moment that I never dreamed of..like last year when I biked to the beach for the first time. Imagine, last summer, biking to the beach was a milestone...and now I do 20 miles plus on my rides. This year, I ran it.

The moment was made even more special becuase as I am sharing with Michael the victory of the moment, I asked him to come and pick me up, but to bring my canteen when he came becuase I had not brought water or a wallet and really needed to hydrate.

A woman and her children nearby must have heard me talking to Michael and the next thing I knew she was handing me a bottle of water. It was the coolest thing in the world. So very special and the water tasted better than any i have had in a long time. It was water given so freely from a stranger who was, in some way, celebrating with me...connecting with my victory. It was just precious and something I treasure more than I can say.

I walked to the water and soaked my feet in the surf. It felt so good that I had brought myself her...but on the support, love and good energy of so many...
.
I did call Michael to get me because I have learned that while i can push myself more even after the point of achieving something new...it is best to take it a step at a time. No need to go from 4 miles to 11 in one day. I had already taken my 4 mile run to 5.8 to get to the beach and so not to step on that victory by hurting myself, I made sure to take care by riding back. The return trip will come. That is something to look forward to. It was 5.8 miles in 1 hour and 15 minutes. But moreover, it was so much more!

Today, well, i have a little bug in me that is not so fun. But I am physically well..and mentally..mentally and physically I am just amazing by the weekend as a whole.

I do got to be the guest speaker at Adam's Heart Healthy Fit Camp. It was so special.

As I have said, I will go anywhere, anytime to share my story. But for this, this was a direct outcome of all of this goodness. I got to talk to the members of the Adam Freeman Healthy Heart Fit Camp! Adam has donated his expertise to anyone that wants to come, as long as they donate to the Heart Walk, for eight weeks, to learn how to get healthy!

Adam has enlisted the help of three other trainers to help out as well who have donated their time with him to do this. As with my own learning, stretching is a key to growth and to not getting hurt. Chantay, who teaches as Crest leads the warm up and is such a spirit of joy and positiveness!

a couple laps around to start to warm up. This group has folks from low thirties to as much as in their 60's and for many they have never run..ever. Look at them now! (including my own wonderful Michael!)

Adm shows and demonstrates each exercise for the group and shows how to make it happen safely and also gives the alternatives so that everyone has the opportunity to participate. So if you cannot do a full push up, he shows what you can do to start with.

and this camp, there were 10 stations set up. Each person did the exercise for 40 seconds with a 20 second rest and then move on to the next exercise. All parts of the body were being exercised and there were ways for each person to be successful with Adam and the assistant trainers on hand to work with the group.

When you got past the 10th station, you hopped on the bike. There were two teams and the team with the highest mileage on the bike won..but we were all winners! YOu should have heard this group supporting each other, yelling for the best results for each person. It was SOOOO awesome! and they were there to learn and to grow..but they were helping EACH OTHER! they were greater than through love and support of each other! It was stunning to witness and to be a part of!

Crest Fitness stepped up to allow the camp to be at their fitness center and for each of the participants to use their facilities for free and there are guest speakers and experts helping EACH week with those attending FOR FREE! just helping folks get involved and get healthy!
This week's guest health person was Jessica Cooper who demonstrated Thai Yoga exercises and how to be more flexible and manage growth and strength and all of it. She is and was amazing! She is a private massage therapist and does these classes for all kinds! You can sense from her a positive spirit and someone who is connected and truly giving. Again, she did this for the class at no charge! http://happyfamilieshappybabies.com
Talk about amazing! NO ONE in this community gives and does like this! It is stunning!

Talk about amazing! NO ONE in this community gives and does like this! It is stunning!
There is not a program of giving that can even touch this one. You may say I am prejudiced because Adam has done so much for me and he and I are friends. But NO ONE in Wilmington has given like this to help more folks get healthy...and Adam, with Nick and Wanda at Crest, these co-trainers, and all these guests...they GET IT. Yep, they make their living at this. But they truly believe that healthy hearts and healthy living is important..and they want to see folks successful.

That is what I saw on Saturday morning..and those are the types..in giving...people that I revere the most. You don't need a ton of money to give. You don't need even a ton of time. Just giving your own talents. Giving what you know. Being available for something good. That is Philanthropy. That is LOVE, FAITH, and CHARITY. It is what I live to celebrate and what I love more than I can say because at the end of the day, when we are dust. what I have left in this world have nothing to do with the physical things I collected..eventually all that will turn to dust...it is what I did with others, for others, and yes, how I treated myself that counts and counted. I know that now and that awareness grows each and everyday.

I guess, I am going on and on about it right now becuase there is so much that can absorb me, around me that is negative, locally and throughout the world. Staying connected to this goodness..taking care of myself so that I can be more connected with things and issues that are important to me and that are part of things that I value..well, that is grace. Absolute and beloved grace.

Thanks be for grace!

Friday, September 02, 2011

Day 570: Greater than through love and support

I love surprises...most of the time! then there are those surprises that come with ropes dangling from the ceiling and maniacal grins from skinny, muscular faces looking at me as if I am the condemned in some kind of bastille day re-enactment and this is the last round of torture for the gaurds before the big release.

Oh yes...it was "new" learning day at training this morning and as Adam so proudly displayed on his status..I had my a** kicked! But not by the usual transformer-looking machines or dumbells being hurled through the air..no..this time it was just a bunch ropes with handles that looked like the last 1970's Larry Flynt fun room. But, fun, not so much! :) This my friends...is TRX..

I have not clue what it stands for..I frankly am too tired even to come up with a name for it..but I know, in all seriousness that it stands for the next level in my fitness training.

And aside from my hyperbole and over the top descriptions, I am excited about it. For two reasons: 1.) had, a year and a half ago, I been placed "on the ropes", so to speak, of these things..I would have FAILED..walked away and never come back. But this morning..I walked into that room with a confidence I have never had before and I was ready to try something new. Frankly..I was ready to try anything..because a.) I trust Adam enough to know he would never let me get hurt and b). I am healthier and more capable and can do more and am up to the challenge. That is an awesome feeling. 2.) and the second reason that I was excited was that I WANT a new challenge.

I am by no means bored by my work outs..but i WANT to see what I can do..to explore and learn and go places I have not been before and use different things to get the results that make me feel healthier and stronger. It is not about being scared anymore..or being intimidated..hell. BRING IT ON! :)

Now, we just started with this this morning on some very basic stuff, so I really cannot go into detail yet. But i will share more when i learn more. More than anything I am psyched about not being afraid to do something different. To get out of my comfort zone..to grow.

Funny, that seems to be a theme lately..growth.

At work (not in my department, but around me), so much is changing. It just hit me that I am being presented, metaphorically, with ropes that appear like those torture mechanisms latley. They aren't really different than what I have always had, they are just presented by different people in different ways..and sometimes they "hurt" a little. I have to adapt to them in order to grow. I have to figure out a way to exercise with them and excel in order to get the best results. Being resistant, seeing the mechanisms for "training" as a threat only breeds hostility. Seeing them as an opportunity to be better...well, that is the way to challenge and maybe do better and get more for the things I value most.

God, I love this blogging mess..It helps me to think and get out what is sometimes so muddied in my head...

that said..I am looking forward to a long weekend...and thanks be!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Day 568: Greater than through love and support

There is no doubt that one day at a time over the last 22 years i have developed a deeper sense of being able to balance out the positive with the negative when assessing my own self. It has has taken a lot of lessons, a lot of help from a lot of folks and a lot of guidance. But through this process with health and weight loss, there has been a whole new level of learning how "assess" myself...particularly the phsyical as I have had to learn to judge my outsides with my insides and let the two be in harmony.

Early on, I had a mentor/ friend who literally took a marker and on the wall of my little apartment in Millerton, NY (a story in and of itself)...drew a large circle on the wall. I will never forget that circle. It was my "cycle" circle.

At the top was the critical issue...then as I went along the permiter he wrote "conflict"...a little further along he wrote "struggle"...then he wrote "crash and burn" an then towards the top..."recovery"...then "repeat".

He pointed at the circle and he said, "bo, this is your cycle of xyz. This is how you go through situations....and one of the ways you will grow is to break these cycles. But first, you have to see them. You have to want to break them, and then you have to find constructive ways to truly make changes. That will be growth for you...and it will happen. I know it will, but you have to want it."

Well, twenty two years later, I have seen that wheel many times. I will come to an issue in my life that repeats (critical issue). At some point it just becomes to much and I find myself in some sort of conflict: with myself or others, I begin to struggle and under the weight of it I hit a wall, get sick, crash, burn, whatever.....and many times, because I am able to get relief (or get away with it at the time), I don't take corrective action, but just "get away with it..and i find myself at the top of the circle/cycle again, ready to begin all over again.

But sometimes..and happily more often than not, I get to that place in the struggle and sometimes even before it and I see there has to be change. There has to be a different way to react. A different way to be...and there is real and sustained change. I reach in, I reach out..I seek answers, and I have learned to extend effort! :), pray, have faith..and there is and has been Growth.

What a gift that that person gave me all those years ago (and frankly, this is the way i remember it..so if it is not completely accurate, this is what I remember and how it has worked for me! :) ). The gift has been being able to see paterns and cycles that keep me from moving forward and seeing ways in which I can make real and sustained change. the bigger pleasure is to look and see one day that i am not repeating an old behavior or getting caught up in an old cycle..feeling that freedom.

I say all this because i was at the top of a cycle the other night and I did not have to complete the cycle. I was asked by a dear friend to audition for something that, if it comes through, will be very beneficial. But in making the audition, I had to look at myself in a very close up and very detailed way. As you can imagine with the weight loss that i have had there are things that not perfect about my body and I found myself completely absorbed in the flaws in my body. to the point where I was grabbing food to ease my anxiety. No, not candy or anything deadly..just snacks..The point is I was stuffing myself in that same way that I have so often when discouraged and upset with myself. The ironic action of doing something harmful to myself because I saw myself as less than, not greater than. In the way this would have played out, this would have led to me getting completely off my diet, maybe skipping exercising, and moving me into a direction if not a crisis of inaction to a point where i really did make a reversal. But what happened? I saw, almost immediately what was happening. I talked about it with Michael. I got up the next morning and went for a run at lunch, I ate sensibility and i focused on the healthy outcomes of those imperfections I was seeing and I have been talking about it and them ever sense. I have literally defied that cycle to try and repeat itself...and it feels amazing.

Maybe it sounds like a lot of work, but it really is not. It is the simplist thing in the world: I want to grow. I want to pay attention to my behavior. I want to do what it right for myself. It is interesting that one of the best friends I have ever had was telling me on the phone how loving oneself enough to take care of oneself is primary to being able to love others. As this person was experiencing this, I was hearing it as well. No coincidences.

Alright..enough babbling...just thanks be!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Day 565: Greater than through love and support

I really do get why preachers get fat. Lord, the food at weddings! I was honored to officiate at another wedding this evening (sat) and true to form, the food was amazing. This wedding was a little different than the last though in that at 5:30 this morning we had hurricane force winds in the area and the wedding that was planned for this weekend, complete with decent down a staircase at the family home under oak trees by masonboro sound was just not gonna happen with a hurricane 70 miles off shore.

What i loved about the couple and about the occasion was that they looked at the situation, they reassessed what they could and they could not do and they adapted to what WAS in front of them and they had, truly, one of the most special weddings you could have ever asked for. They had acceptance. As a result, so much joy, so much goodness came out of this evening...and so many were able to join in and celebrate...that is BEAUTY...that is what it is all about.

Once again, it was an honor..humbling..to be able to stand with a couple as they make their commitment to one another...but on this occassion, as we were still dealing with the effects of a hurricane, it was just nice to stop and celebrate love. Honestly, I think that when you get down to it that is what weddings really are, if they are not a self indulgent social/business endeavor. They are just a way to stop all that is going on and for a few hours focus on the connections that we can make with each other, eat things we traditionally run from becuase of trying to stay healthy (we feast!), and shut out all of those things that day to day invade our world in negative ways...and we just focus on essentially what is important....the love we share with each other.

In that room tonight I saw friends that I have not seen in a while. I actually had a chance to talk to someone that who I have felt disconnected from and with and work through that a little, share some time with people I admire, hug, laugh, and beam at Leigh and Randall, the couple getting married, and watch them enjoy their day. While there were little things that happened in the evening that tried to creep in other aspects of what we deal with in people and situations who were not focused on celebrating, those things never took over, and we had an evening to just feel love. That was the celebration. that was the time.

Imagine taking time to have a "wedding" at least once a week. Time, at least once a week to have a "feast", however that is defined for us. Connect or at least acknowledge the ones we love, focus our attention on love and relationships in deep and meaningful ways. Have a day to dance, even if we are on our own, and to listen to beautiful music, have a flower or two to brighten up the place..just one day a week to really focus...celebrate what is truly the only lasting and the only truly important thing we have in our lives and our spirits...love.

I have a feeling that if we did this...If all if us did this, it would change us and the world around us significantly. I have no doubt about it.

Now, I am off to run....my "feast" this weekend needs a little balance! LOL! but it was worth every bit!

Thanks be!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Day 562: Greater than through love and support

Started off the morning right. Today and Monday I did my routine on my own. I say "on my own", but let me qualify that by saying that what I was doing was prescribed by Adam and because of him showing me what to do, how to do, and how to be safe at it...I could be successful.

But that said..what was really amazing....and I know it really should not be amazing..but what was really awesome..was that throughout the routine, I never once cheated..I never once did less reps than were prescribed..and I heard something in my head that was just so incredible:

I was finishing lunges..which are HARD (make no lightness on these..and they take lots of effort and I dread them) buthen I finished the third round, and I had kept the pace so that I was steady, I moved my leg out far enough to get a good stretch, and I kept my hands to my side with the 20 lbs weights to stay steady, I heard me say to myself "good job". I was encouraging ME. None of that "you can't" in my head. None of that "wish it was over"

I heard and I felt in me a sincere appreciation to and for myself for a job well done. Folks, that is a BIG change. Make no mistake, I love myself as a child of God. I have learned over the years to think more positviely and to be better to myself..but this, this was sincerely a moment of change. It is almost hard to describe...because it was like what i have said about other things...where I have been in a group of people who said "we will love you until you can learn to love yourself" and I did.

Well, in this realm..Adam has given me so much and it has been his voice that i look to to say "good job" "well done"...and his friendship is a gift I am so grateful for. But today, it was me saying that to me! From inside my soul. What a powerful thing!

Make no mistake, I need my support system, but I am growing and today was a growth for me. It was a sense of self I have not really felt. Perhaps making a big deal out of finishing a workout on my own and encouraging myself seems like being over the top..but for me, it is another blessing. And I am not about to go without acknowledging my blessings. They are, all of them are precious...

thanks be!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Day 559: Greater than through love and support

It is Sunday and folks are gonna be here in just a few for a neighborhood BBQ. I went for run before and just got in. I am sitting here at Papa's desk and I looked up in the mirror and there was this man staring back at me....and there was the coolest feeling I have not had in years: I liked, physically, what I saw. No..this is not Narcissus! LOL! it was just a nice feeling to SEE me and to not be repulsed...or spend the time looking at me trying to hold my head just right so that I could deny the folds, the expanse...the damage that I was doing to myself. This came at a moment when I was looking at something on my laptop and in the back ground was "May the circle be unbroken" by Johnny cash, and It hit me how bountiful my life is with love, friendships, so much goodness. Certainly this life is forged in fire often, and cooled by a soft touch that polishes its current state..but, while we still struggle with things, I can still reach out and see really good things...and that is what I was feeling this morning. A comfort..a good feeling. I wanted to share that because these feelings..so deep, are precious..moreso than anything we posess.

Today, at the BBQ, folks are going to see the new "Gallery" display. I wrote a while ago that when I/we started getting healtier we redid out house. The room that I cherish the most not is the "big" room. It is space where we can, quarterly or with the seasons, change the art and things that are special to us so that we really can appreciate them, and we are never cluttered. The space is great to have folks over and to have a space of peace. My mother did an art piece that I treasure for my birthday, so this "show" in the Gallery space is about "faith, spirituality, and family"...that is so in sync with the fall as what is the harvest of our toil, our foot work, our daily living is the love, the connection to those we are closest to and something greater than ourselves. So, out went all the crystal..all those "bought objects, and in are pieces that are about the earth, the spirit, our family....it is very cool!

Happy Sunday everybody! and Happy New Week!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Day 556: Greater than through love and support

So I vlogged on Satruday as I was leaving one event and heading out for another. I am sorry..vlogging just sounds inappropriate. But, here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJDXdDR_paA

I was pretty overwhelmed as I left the MLK Center. It was so very special. Sandra McClammy is one of those amazing souls that just makes good things happen. I have known her as long as I have been in Wilmington. In fact she won the UNCW Employee Excellence Award adn the Governor's Award when she worked at UNCW and then set out to 97.3 with Brandon Hickman (Big B) and they have done nothing but good ever since. So for 6 years they have been doing this Teen Summit..and for six years they have made a difference in the lives of these children! To be there was to witness just simple, good old fashioned goodness. Very cool.

But it hit me who was not there. Who was not in a lot of places where this kind of thing takes place on a saturday morning. Oh, I know..we all are busy..many have their own children to deal with and so much, so many things....but then again...we all have so much and so many things. It took exactly one hour on saturday morning to "show up" in that room. It took 1/2 that to just sit down and talk to the kids. I learned a great deal in that 1/2 hour..and maybe they got something from me. But it was one hour. ok..an hour and half. But, it was a short time. Imagine giving an hour a week to somebody..to an activity that feeds each other's sucess. Something that makes a differnece. An hour that might otherwise be spent watchign tv or just doing nothing. An hour. I know that I keep focusing on that...but it is real. I keep hearing that folks don't have time for this, that and the other...but we do. we do have time...adn the difference..the impact...it is...it simply is.

Ok..sorry..off the soapbox. It was special! I left there adn went to teh Fit Campt that Adam is giving for the Heart Walk...15 people have signed up adn more on the way..but 15 people! that is amazing! and crest stepped up to let these folks use their facitilies while this is going on...just one blessing after another...one amazing chance to make a difference after another..good things!

I ran so well after all that..a storm was coming and the breeze was amazing on me...4.1 miles around and it was lovely! What a perfect day!

thanks be!

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Day 451: Greater than through love and support

I am going to do an entire post about my birthday, but I needed to write about something that really came up in me as I was running today.

It really hit me today what it means to be a friend. What is required to be my friend. A lot of my thinking came from the blessings that transpired from my birthday weekend and how many people mean so much to me. It makes it even more glaring when I see dishonesty, appearances, and fear that rattle and plaque so many relationships around me. But moreover, the disfunction that is part and parcel of relationships built and lasting that have no real communication. Don't start thinking about people you know I know and start thinking about drama...this is just something that was really bubbling today..how very real friends are ..and what friendship means.

For me...it is about willingness and acceptance. I could give a rats ass if you have two cents to your name. I could also care less who your "people are". I also do not worry a great deal about what you look like. Mostly, I don't care that you mess up or make mistakes..big or small. None of that has anything to do with why I befriend or am friends with folks.

I do care immensely that people that are in my life care about others (but are no caretakers), understand the importance of family (but don't define family for others in ways that limit love), see beauty in each other and in the world around them and when things are the darkest actively seek beauty as a counterbalance, strive for the positive in real and sustainable way, and when they make mistakes, and they will and do..they seek ways to address them...and hold themselves responsible. That last one is the hardest for me and for each of us..but it is one that is neccessary. Essential.

I love people..I adore them actually..but to be close to someone..to trust and be trusted..I have to know that we are going to be responsible with each other..emotionally and otherwise..that means taking care of the phycical, the mental, and the spirutal...and that takes all of us..helping each other.

I am constantly amazed at the people in my life who see the weaknesses and the mistakes of others as an opportunity to feel better about themselves. Exploiting pain or hardship as a means to bolster their own sense of self or as a means to "get back:" or take advantage. Not just people who like fat jokes..but people who like to tell stories about adultry..or violence..someone else's defects or faubles. Don't get me wrong, this tongue of mine should fall out fo my mouth from doing the same..and I hate it in me as much as I hate it in otehrs..but I see it and I know that I cannot live that. I know that that is NOT what I want or can want for myself or in others.

I repel from the idea that my worth is lessened becuase I associate with someone who is imperfect. As a spiritual person..hell, as a someone who professes Christ, it is just the opposite! To associate with those who are imperfect is to associate with OURSELVES..and to heal each OTHER. The trick is to not try and do it for the other person..but to be a loving support. To be my friend..you have to take help and show that you are willing to go to ANY LENGTH to get better..to be better. You show that..you have me for life. Do the opposite..well, I am out of here. And you damn well better expect the same of me.

But, to take joy in someone's lack of success, someone's pain, someone's harship or imperfection...the older I get..the more repellent, the more repgunant that becomes. Mostly because I am old enough now to see my own imperfections..my own flaws..I have made enough mistakes..I know I am not perfect..so who the hell am I to judge. My job is to love. My Job is to do what I can to do right by others. And those who I am closest to..well....my job is to acknoweldge, cherish, and keep on earning that gift each and everyday!

Bottom line..to be my friend..you have to show compassion and love. Fine..get angry when you see arrogance, avorace, selfishness...but have a heart to remember that there are those who can and do change and learn and grow...and they do so because we love them enough to see that in themselves...many people did for me...and I became a friend to myself and am here as a result.

Amen? Amen....: )

Friday, August 05, 2011

Day 548: Greater than through love and support

I have a very vivid memory of sitting in Mrs. Kuerner's class room in Davidson High School in 1980 and calculating in my mind the year that it would be when I turned 30. Memories were easier to remember from that classroom because it was one of three in the whole building that actually had air condition. This was mobile alabama (the third ring of hell and hotter) and if you think for a minute that schools are in trouble now..you should have seen a school that was built for air condition that had none and we were not supplied with toilet paper because of budget cuts. The vast majority of minorities at our school were bussed in, almost an hour, from an area called pritchett, and if you were not in honors classes, well, let's just say, life was not so pleasant! But I digress.

Here I was, in the air conditon, my kelly green polplin pants with the embroidered whale belt and penny loafers with the appropriately dirty penny in them...complete with starched white polo and monogramed LL bean back pack..I was in the company of my peers..or at least trying to keep up with them...and we ruled the world by our ability to live about it. Life was about the outside..what we could get..what we could have..what we had...who we were.."who are your people"...and defense..defense against reality. It was the time of Reagan after all. Glitz, glamour and LOTS of credit flowing out into the country...the age of the "most toys" wins was apon us.

It seemed an eternity, 30, and that seemed to be an age when life would begin to wane and I would be heading towards retirement. A lot has happened since then. Alot.

Ok..so I still have some of the same clothes (hey, the are classic and comfortable! LOL!)....but the values that went with them..they melted with Reaganomics. I am afraid that the falsehoods of "appearances" and "things"..never "trickled" down. I had to find out, through a series of episodes in life what really mattered. That is a whole other, evolving story..and I would rather live that than write about it.

But, here I am, this weekend..WAAAAY past 30...and there is no waning.

I will be 45 this Sunday and just last weekend, for the first time in my life, I broke a 10 minute mile in a race. This week, inbetween training at 6am, I have run four miles on the alternate days and it felt amazing! I have been exploring the waters that we are so fortunate to have on a kayak. Been tearing up the trails I was so blessed to be a part of. Active in areas and ways that I could never have dreamed. My outsides, my physical self...that is a blessing! But, this three fold self..the mind, the body, the spirit...it is finally coming togther more than I have ever felt. And there is a certain sense of self that I just never dreamed of. I am not afraid like I was. No, I am no fearless. But I am more secure...and self aware. I have a deep and abiding faith..a spirtuality that I feel. It is a lifeline. However, having that sense of self, requires me. It requires my particiaption and my ability to remain open to learning and listening (two things I do fairly welll..with some proding! LOL!). There is a comfort in that. I am going to do what I can do and if others don't like it..well, that is ok. I may still not like to displease or disappoint..but I know that I have to be true to myself. It, life everything requires daily work. Someone once said years ago "wear the world like a loose garment". That is my aim. As I am growing, there is SOOOOO much that pulls at me..at us. It is hard to stay focused, positive...it requires vigilance.

Who would have guessed that at 45 I would even have had the capacity. My birthday is not my celebration as much as it is one that I mark as a milestone to this journey..Anyone reading this knows that the "journey" for me is defined by the people, my higher power, and the things that come in teaching and learning along the way. I say it over and over that when Donnie gave me the gift of "branding" my journey "greater than through love and support"...he could have done no better. From this self centered, materialistic, kid of the 80s to where I am now....I have nothing but PEOPLE, through whom patience, tolerance, love, compassion, guidance, energy, intelligence, spirituality, and much more has come to me and given me this life. It is, I believe, true for all us..I am not by any stretch of the imagination unique, but I am, grateful!

Now...for my birthday..(you knew there would be an ask!...we have met, right?? Please make a donation to the heart walk! Cape Fear Heart Walk! GIVE TODAY!

1st Day of this Journey!