Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Day 568: Greater than through love and support

There is no doubt that one day at a time over the last 22 years i have developed a deeper sense of being able to balance out the positive with the negative when assessing my own self. It has has taken a lot of lessons, a lot of help from a lot of folks and a lot of guidance. But through this process with health and weight loss, there has been a whole new level of learning how "assess" myself...particularly the phsyical as I have had to learn to judge my outsides with my insides and let the two be in harmony.

Early on, I had a mentor/ friend who literally took a marker and on the wall of my little apartment in Millerton, NY (a story in and of itself)...drew a large circle on the wall. I will never forget that circle. It was my "cycle" circle. 

At the top was the critical issue...then as I went along the permiter he wrote "conflict"...a little further along he wrote "struggle"...then he wrote "crash and burn" an then towards the top..."recovery"...then "repeat".

He pointed at the circle and he said, "bo, this is your cycle of xyz. This is how you go through situations....and one of the ways you will grow is to break these cycles. But first, you have to see them. You have to want to break them, and then you have to find constructive ways to truly make changes. That will be growth for you...and it will happen. I know it will, but you have to want it."

Well, twenty two years later, I have seen that wheel many times. I will come to an issue in my life that repeats (critical issue). At some point it just becomes to much and I find myself in some sort of conflict: with myself or others, I begin to struggle and under the weight of it I hit a wall, get sick, crash, burn, whatever.....and many times, because I am able to get relief (or get away with it at the time), I don't take corrective action, but just "get away with it..and i find myself at the top of the circle/cycle again, ready to begin all over again.

But sometimes..and happily more often than not, I get to that place  in the struggle and sometimes even before it and I see there has to be change. There has to be a different way to react. A different way to be...and there is real and sustained change. I reach in, I reach out..I seek answers, and I have learned to extend effort! :), pray, have faith..and there is and has been Growth.

What a gift that that person gave me all those years ago (and frankly, this is the way i remember if it is not completely accurate, this is what I remember and how it has worked for me! :) ). The gift has been being able to see paterns and cycles that keep me from moving forward and seeing ways in which I can make real and sustained change. the bigger pleasure is to look and see one day that i am not repeating an old behavior or getting caught up in an old cycle..feeling that freedom.

I say all this because i was at the top of a cycle the other night and I did not have to complete the cycle. I was asked by a dear friend to audition for something that, if it comes through, will be very beneficial. But in making the audition, I had to look at myself in a very close up and very detailed way. As you can imagine with the weight loss that i have had there are things that not perfect about my body and I found myself completely absorbed in the flaws in my body. to the point where I was grabbing food to ease my anxiety. No, not candy or anything deadly..just snacks..The point is I was stuffing myself in that same way that I have so often when discouraged and upset with myself. The ironic action of doing something harmful to myself because I saw myself as less than, not greater than. In the way this would have played out, this would have led to me getting completely off my diet, maybe skipping exercising, and moving me into a direction if not a crisis of inaction to a point where i really did make a reversal. But what happened? I saw, almost immediately what was happening. I talked about it with Michael. I got up the next morning and went for a run at lunch, I ate sensibility and i focused on the healthy outcomes of those imperfections I was seeing and I have been talking about it and them ever sense. I have literally defied that cycle to try and repeat itself...and it feels amazing.

Maybe it sounds like a lot of work, but it really is not. It is the simplist thing in the world: I want to grow. I want to pay attention to my behavior. I want to do what it right for myself. It is interesting that one of the best friends I have ever had was telling me on the phone how loving oneself enough to take care of oneself is primary to being able to love others. As this person was experiencing this, I was hearing it as well. No coincidences.

Alright..enough babbling...just thanks be!

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1 comment:

Marty said...

Wonderful message. Wonderfully written. Thank you.