Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Day 595: Greater than through love and support

of the many things I inherited from my Daddy, not wanting to shop is one. I remember when I was growing up there was a men's store in Fuquay called Ashworth's. "Skinny" Ashworth was awesome because no matter how long it had been since he had seen you, he knew your size, what you like and what you needed. You just called Skinny and then went in and picked up your purchases and left. Outside of some chit chat between he and daddy, there was not much time spent in the store. It was heaven!

I have been that way most of my life since. I know what I want..I buy it and I leave. In fact, I have been wearing pretty much the same clothes since I was 10, just different (and in years past VERY different, sizes). But I digress.

What is ironic about the speed of my shopping for clothes or pretty much ANYTHING that I buy is how much I will shop around when I want to find an ANSWER to a question to an issue that does not quite suit my liking.

This came up recently when I was giving someone else a hard time. But as always, when I have one finger pointing out, I got three fingers pointing back.

It got me to think about how long I spent trying to find a root cause to my overall health issues. My denial was so very deep. I literally would be out for days and weeks with my back, and I would go to see a specialist, get pills, and special equipment to treat the back issues. I was having horrid acid reflux and literally I could not swallow and would have to excuse myself from the table to go and throw up to continue eating because of digestive issues, so I went to a digestive specialist to get medicine so I could eat. I had heart issues, so I went and got heart medicine. My clothes did not fit and unfortunately they made the clothes I always had worn in bigger and bigger sizes, so I just shopped around till I found them and just kept buying them in bigger and bigger sizes. My feet even needed wider shoes and for some reason my shins would hurt on walks. But it was the shoes fault and I would shop for better soles..better support. I shopped around constantly and frequenly for every solution to every issue trying to get the answers that I wanted to avoid THE BIG ISSUE:

I was obese. I was unhealthy..and I had to change.

Everything..and I mean EVERYTHING was tied to that one issue. And no matter what I did..no matter what pills (and there where lots of them!)..no matter what therapies I tried, prayers I performed..no matter how sober I stayed, how much I gave to the world around me, no matter how much I loved God and my fellows, as long as I was not loving ME ENOUGH to take care of my health...then the stores, the venues, the outlets, the kiosks that I was laying down my money and time were not going to produce for me one item that would create a sustainable solution or change because what i was shopping for was keeping me from the very thing that could truly fit..that could truly make a difference.

I have learned over the years about this part of my "shopping around for answers". I have learned that taking the straight forward approach and dealing with things I dislike, that seem hard, that seem sometimes insurmountable actually can be easier. But it takes a fearlessness that, well is for me only possible when I truly feel that support and love around me. When I know that when I step out on that precipice that someone, something is there to hold and guide me. I have that faith today..and I have another piece of experience with this new phase of health to share that by stepping out and really zeroing in on THE issue...by not deflecting it any more and trying. really trying to take it head on, one day at a time..well, so much has and is happening I could never have dreamed of!...So,....from here on out..when it comes to my health..I have a clearer picture of what i want...and I am NOT shopping around..I am going for it...and I am leaving with it...and hopefully wearing it to the best of my ability. Thanks be to God!


MamaK said...

YIKES! Good post.

Marty said...

as usual, a wonderful post. thank you for your candor, insight and inspiration.