Ok..it's confession time, and I don't mean to skulk to the key board like a Roman catholic going to the booth to admit some cardinal sin...but I have some hope that my sharing, it will reconnect me somehow.
I have just been feeling BLAH the last few days. And the last few days have been spiritually odd...and, well, off. It is hard to explain, but when we anticipated a snow day and I did not want to cook..yep...Incredible pizza showed up at the door..like magic..NOT! I made a conscious decision to feed whatever it was that was disquiet inside me. I have been craving red meat...carbs...and so when the time came and it all aligned...not only a pizza, but a quesidilla as well. Of course the feeding was not as bad as the past, I orderd a veggie pizza from the healthiest pizza place in town..and the quessidilla was a cheese one..but I knew what i was doing: feeding being off. Feeding a feeling of not feeling right. And no matter what, it was not, it is not good.
Now, here is the deal...I know what is happening around me...change of season after Christmas, a lot of happy emotional and stressful emotional things..change in the house as we put away Christmas...and then letting in the world and all that went on around us this weekend...and I know more and and how that gets to me on the inside.
I need to say this out loud...to walk through this and "change a thought, move a muscle". Today when I was feeling my worst, I went for a walk on campus in the snow. It was beautful. As I finished the walk, Adam called and wanted to make a snow "person". My first inclination was to say no and crawl back into bed. But something inside me said I needed to do this. It was the best decision...i had a ball and we made the most absurd, wonderful snow "woman" (Adam's choice! LOL!) ever! It got me out of myself and made a difference...it was moving a muscle and got my thoughts on something outside of me and my own stuff.
The rest of the day has been spent taking care of some things that make me happy..working on non-profit stuff, uploading photos, filling out some cards..and tonight...when I wanted to make pasta nad have "one more night of comfort food"..I thought about how often I had fed my "comfort" and how much that led me to 348 pounds....and how unhappy, more importantly that had and does make me...so instead..i opened the blanched broccoli and brussel sprouts and warmed them..then cooked some chicked with tomato sauce and a dollop of those Idaboan Poataoes. It was a feast and made me feel better because I had done something healthy and good...But as I was eating it, I began a gratitude list of things in the immediate:
a Higher Power that is watching out for me (always)
I have a husband that is here for me
a best male friend who can get me out of myself and have some fun with doing something silly!
food prepped in the frig that is healthy that I can reach for
this blog to share this with others
activities that keep me focused on important things
and most importantly, a journey that is one day at a time, so that whatever happens, It is just about today...and tomorrow holds promise beyond anything I can imagine.
thanks be to God.
1 comment:
I cannot tell you how many times I have had that same experience of an interior restlessness and disquiet that is quelled only by feeding my body, while knowing the entire time that is not the true location of my "hunger."
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