"True serenity is being able to remain calm in the midst of a storm"
"You must work for Kodak, cause you project a lot"
I was thinking about these two sayings a lot today. Yesterday I got an emergency call that changed my outlook on the days ahead in some ways. While I won't go into details, suffice to say there is a family member who has a serious issue to face. When I flew out of my office yesterday, I was almost surprised that as i landed in the car, I found myself with a bottle of flavored water, a yogurt, blueberries and a peanut butter sandwich. I was prepared to ensure that I was not going to be stopping at a fast food restaurant or grabbing chocolate out of anxiety on the way! It hit me house awesome this was becuase almost without thinking it was just "what I do". I spent the evening with the familty member and while I was able to keep it together while there, it was VERY emotional when I got in the car to come home. I can assure you that in the past...downing a couple of BBQ sandwiches, quarter pounders AND king size chocolate bars with of course a diet coke would have filled that emotional void...but instead, the road that I would have turned to North Carolina's best BBQ was also the road with a brand new Lowe's foods..and I stopped and got some hummus and pita..diet green tea and some blueberries. It was what I needed to stay awake and feed the hunger..not my soul..my soul needed to just feel a little..but not so much I could not drive. I reached out and called two people that I coudl share a little with and I am so grateful to them and made it home safe and sound. What a blessing! I did not have to harm me, could be there for the person who was really being effected, and be ready for the next day....there was 'serenity in the storm'....Remember that story of Christ on the water..when they were being tossed to and fro in the storm, and he commanded "Peace! be Still!..and all was righted...I believe in that during these times...I believe....
I really wanted to stay in bed today and just stay there....but Michael was wonderful and insisted I get up. We went to lunch and then just stayed in, being quiet and praying. I have to admit though that I got to thinking about what was about to happen and got really carried away with the "what if's" to the point I just shut down and went back to sleep on the couch. I got up and went for my cardio bike ride an just could not shake the thinking about the family member, the pain, the after, all sorts of stuff, and the ride just impossible. I felt so heavy and so overwhelmed. I got half my ride in and turned around and came home. I got in the door angry that I had let my thinking get me like that and got in the tub for an epsom salt bath when that old line about "Kodak" hit me and made me laugh through some tears (and for you young people, kodak used to make this stuff called..FILM that used to be in cameras that you used to have process to make pictures..lol!). I heard that I only have this moment, and in this moment there is NO death, NO pain, No arguments, none of the stuff I was letting in...none of the concerns...and there was time together...I was reminded that we only have the NOW..and in NOW..all is well...and again...I felt "peace be still" and that presence that is so powerful in my life. It was and is so...well..I hope you understand. I am so grateful.
Last night I got to say so much I needed to and hear so much from that member of my family..and in the days to come that is what I can focus on in those moments was we have our time toghether..and in that time, I can take care of myself and not use any of this as an excuse not to divert from this amazing life that I have been given. I am so grateful for all of it.