Monday, June 27, 2011

Day 509: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

It would seem that Mondays are my day to "start" something new. Like Saturday is still reserved for debauchery and sloth and Sunday is Monday must be the penitent state for me. Hmm..Not really...Saturday was a down day, Sunday was a healing day..and today has been some, I guess, Monday is RENEWAL day! there..that sounds better..more RENEWAL..
Well, I RENEWED myself at 5-a-damn-clock in the morning! LOL! I committed to changing my work out time with Adam to 6 instead of 7. It actually is a better time..and it is such a gift..but it is going to definitely take some getting used to. But, as I forced my eyes open..once I got myself was really nice. It is deadly quiet at 5 am...semi dark with a hint of light coming through...and I am at peace. It is nice. The work out was intense..and there were not a lot of folks in gym (surprise! LOL)..but it was I said..peaceful.

Last week I started really focusing a day at time on my snacking..but more importantly my habit eating. Once I started, I was having a hard time stopping (habit eating that is) and i was doing really well, one day at time with the issue. I found myself, however, this morning as i was talking to Adam about it getting really defensive. I told him what I was snacking on, and he mentioned that I need to be careful with a couple of things i mentioned.

What I was hearing as we talked was that what I was doing "was not enough or was not right"..when what he was actually saying was, "I am concerned about you". Gee..did that sound familiar for me! This weekend, Michael tried to tell me he was concerned when I bought this bag of chex mix (Ok..this may sound stupid..but it was a big deal at the time!). You would have thought he had just insulted my Mother I got so upset. What I HEARD was "you are not doing it right"...and off I went!

I am actually glad in a way that both these things happened because it really got me to look and respond to what is in my head.

The funny thing..the truth of it is that it has NOTHING to do with what HE is is what is still left in MY HEAD...what I SAY TO MYSELF..that voice that says "you don't do enough".."you are not doing it right.." and the like. I am gratteful, at least, I don't have the "you can't" in my head anymore. But the the voice of bs is now much more subtle and much more..shall we say, southern passive agressive. But it is there, and it is something that I have to continue to grow in as well for better health..because with these outward changes there has to come the inward ones too. The ones that stop the "tapes" that drag me down and hold me to a standard that is not my potential.

The people around me, particularly Michael, want the best for me. What they say to me is out of love. My closest friends, people like Adam, who really want me to be successful, they are the exact same. But sometimes, what they say gets filtered through my own "fat" mind. The mind that came from before when treating myself to bad health and to a less than healthy life was ok.

What is nice now, is like what happened this morning, when we were talking and when I was able to back up and put all this together..realize how much I am loved, supported, and cared for...and take that in..and somehow..through that..I heard what I was being told. No longer did what I hear sound like a chastisement..but what someone who cares would say...but the voice that was the most caring was my own.
There is an old saying that I heard 22 years ago from a group of people who entered my life in one of the worst periods I have ever been in. They said to me "we will love you until you can learn to love yourself".
Well, I do love myself today. But I am still learning and growing and becoming as a loving person...both inwardly and externally. It is all part of the process....and i remain grateful!

Thanks be to God!

No comments: