Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 616: Greater than through love and support

Today I had an amazing experience I had to share, particualry in light of last nights post and feeling some real sadness and loss.

Today, I was video taped for something that will air in November for a recognition I have recieved that was and is very humbling. Michael was here with me and in the course of the hour of the video taping, talking about civil rights, change, and all sorts of things that are very important to me..she stopped and asked me a very serious quesiton: what is "love" to you?

It really took me a back for a moment, but then It just came right to me:
I told her that I cannot answer that without telling a story and I have to share it it was and is story that has changed my life and is so much the foundation of all things that happen for me today.

When I moved to Conneticuit, I got a job on an estate in Sharon Valley. It was in the middle of no where and the house was enormous. I literally lived in this massive place alone, and the owner of the home only came there on certain weekends from the city. My room was on the third floor, and while I could control the lights from downstairs throughout the house, I could not control them from my room, so to get upstairs, I had to shut all the lights out and climb the three sets of stairs in the pitch dark in this old house in Sharon Valley..the wind howling outside..the floors creaking...and mind you at that time..I was DEADLY scared of the dark! I was also scared to be this was a challenge every night. Until one night.
One night, I came home, and I proceeded to go upstairs. The wind blew, the stairs creaked..and I got to the top landing where my room was..and there I stood...and it hit me: I was not afraid. I was not even anxious. In the pit of my stomach was this "fullness"..that is all I can describe it as and a sense of peace was washing over me that I had not had..ever. It was the most amazing feeling and what was truly wonderful, was that I did not feel all.

Let me back up..for as long as I could remember, I felt alone. I felt a yearning in me..I felt a sense of fear and a lack of connection. I would see people that had "it"..that seemed to be so in touch with themselves and "something" and I woudl want that so badly..hell, I would want to smack them upside their heads I was so jealous! LOL!..But I just did not knwo how to get "it". I tried filling up that space with so much..religion. food, drink, people, you name it..and it never worked.

Then a friend, the same friend who just gave me the yoga practice told me that if I were to let willing to let go of all my preconvieved notions of what I thought I knew..get on my knees (that was my act of humilty, I think he knew I needed to make) and just be willing to listen..and then give equal time to talking..and be willing to "see what happened", it would. And so I did. I let go of myself, I let go of not letting in somethign greater than myself. I trusted that someone else knew more than myself. I listened. and then, after doing that for a while, here I stood at the top of the stairs and I was FEELING this presence, this comfort, this serernity..this LOVE. A feeling I have not lost since that day...a feeling I get whenever I truly connect with someone or something that is truly real and worthwhile. A feeling I get when I am honest and open and WILLING to let good trust and be trustworthy. that is in That connectedness. That sense or state of being where what I block or what I shut out and become negative with is dissolved by trust, and again, willingness..openness.

Everything good thing that has followed since has come with that feeling, that connection involved..but also with WILLINGNESS involved. I hope I am explaining that part..becuase today as they were filming me, it really hit me that that is what has really transformed me in so many ways..I have not changed me..that has been through so much power of something greater than me and through the love and connection fo those around me..but my part was praying for and becoming willing: willing to let go of bad habits..let go of negativity, look at things different, be open to new ideas and news of ways of seeing and feeling and be willing to be wrong but also being willing to see my principles, stand up for them and myself..being willing to be myself and be!

Imagine if we can reach folks and get them to be willing to feel that willing to want to love, want to get along..want to..well, you get it..but it is Willingness!

God, what a great day..a great need I had today for this to feel that feeling, to tell that be reminded of that..LOVE!..and to have that LOVE so real and connected.
THanks be!

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