Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 615: Greater than through love and support

I want a maria calender chicken pot pie followed by a pound cake with ice cream and a 1 lb bag of m and m's, washed down with three diet cokes. Yep, that is the mood I am in..and no, this is not a menu I have not had before..many times in the past..but it has been a long time since I have really wanted it.

As I write, I am practicing HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). I am tired...not so much angry, but sad...I am not lonely, but feeling loss and experienced today sitting with someone I love  who passed within hours after I left.

I want to fill up a space that is just anxious and not well right now. I am writing this, because it is helping me "think it through"...rather than do something that would do the contrary to my better help. I have to get this off my...not chest, but self. I am saddled with..well, stuff. I can sort through it and see some of it is real and in the present, most is in the future, so does not exist..and then some is supposition about what others may or may not think or do..and frankly, I have no control. So, I have a choice here..damage myself because I am willing to sacrifice the good I do for myself..or FEEL what I am feeling in the reality of what IS happening, put aside what is in the future...and let go of that which I have no control of...simple right? LOL! :)

Well, to some degree it is. But, I need and have help..as such I am grateful for this blog. I am grateful for a dog named Louis that I am walking for a friend while she is away who just is "happy" and wants to kiss me...and reminding of just honest love. I am grateful for the down comforter..and being snuggled up and safe in my home..the sound of the game from Michael's Ipad and knowing how much I am supported. I am grateful to know that none of these things takes away the sad..but makes it ok to get through without having to do something that will harm me. I am grateful to have had time today to say goodbye..and to know that things happen the way they are supposed to. I am grateful to know such special people. And when it all comes down to it, the other things that are swirling around that I feel anxious over, well, they are pretty "high class" issues when I really look at them, because, because of the privilege of being involved, of being able to be active, I am encountering strong personalities....much like my own. So, really, having issues is just part of it..resisting to the point of causing my own self angst..well that is up to me.

So, tonight..I have had three walks with a dog named louis. A sensible dinner with Michael..that I made that did not include 48 grams of fat like Ms. Calendar's pies,...a snack that did not include cake or m & m's much less a pound of either, and while I did have a diet coke, that was the worst of it.

I still marvel that one day at a time..after all this time..I can walk through the moments that are hard and continue to do so in this way....It is remarkable...and I remain grateful for all the love and support that makes my life greater everyday!

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