Bo Dean's Blog In Wilmington North Carolina: October 2011

Friday, October 28, 2011

Day 625: Greater than through love and support

I had lunch with myself yesterday. No, this is not some, "get in touch with myself and feel good about taking myself out to lunch thing"..it was a lunch with a friend. Someone in need. But as this person shared what was going on, the feelings, experiences, and more importantly, the behaviors, I sat there and saw myself. Not a year and 8 months ago. But today.

Alot has changed for me. Exercise is now a part of my life, something I crave and look forward to. I eat healthier things and I have not had fast food in almost two years. But there is a lot of the person who started this journey who is still there..and I am not talking about all the good in me. I am grateful for whatever that is. I am talking about the food addict. The person that still struggles with snacking and filling myself, time, and emotions with food. The person that does not have that chemical shut down after I eat to just "stop". That person is still me.

I don't talk about that part as much and yesterday as I sat across the table listenting to someone, so courageous, so honest and sincere, sharing the need to make a change, I was able to touch that part of myself as well. What is so wonderful about the journey that I am on, the hindsight I have and the moment I am in, the days I am living, is that I could share, after I heard him, that while that addiction is there, while I still face issues, I have been learning ways to deal with these behaviors. Food is different than other forms of addictions in that you cannot give up food. You have to eat. But, like with addictions to other substances, the obsession can be "lifted" and there can be some peace attained, there can be some things done to live life that make it more managemeable.

I have become more and more aware as I have become more honest, and I have become WILLING to do something about it..most days. :) I have written about that. I know that it takes that willingness. It takes wanting to be healthier. To have wellness as my goal and aim. It does NOT take wanting to look like a model, wanting to be a muscle bound stud..or something unrealistic and superficial. It takes wanting to feel and be better.

I was able to share back that by taking steps to build a community of support (and btw: it does not take what I have done..it could just be one other person), by getting the right professional advise (Heidi, Adam, and my doctors at Wrigthsville Family Practice), by taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME, by learning about trigger foods AND events and people/situations, and by being willing see myself as worthy of change, as worth being healthy, as worth being important, in fact the first priority so that I can do the things I really want to do or in my case believe I am to do, well...my life has been transformed. I also have allowed myself TIME to let this unfold and to continue to let it unfold. It is ever evolving and it is NOT over. It did not happen in a vacuum and it is not happening overnight.

What a wonderful opportunity to share that not only with this person, but back to myself. To be reminded by sharing with another that there not only is hope, but there is and will be real and effective change if this path is followed. It may happen slowly or quickly for some..but it will happen. What is so powerful is that the change is within us. It is in our power.

Each day is a gift. I am grateful to pay this forward..and to keep on moving forward! thanks be!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Day 623: Greater than through love and support

In the course of this life change I have had occassion to be down a couple of times and not able to exercise..but it has been quite a while and in particular it has not happened since running has become an almost daily part of my life.

this past Friday we had an amazing work out and I left knowing i had really done something..but there was no time to rest...I left and worked all day and then had something after work, that next morning and then had recruitment day at UNCW...and then a couple of things after that...by the time I got to Sunday, I felt like crap and just stayed in bed. I probably would have been better off getting up and stretching and doing somethings..but I literally stayed in bed all day and when I got up on Monday morning, my back was a tight as it has ever been in some time. I was having difficulty standing up and sitting down. The tension was scary...so, I had to cancel training and Adam was great..but was adamant about "no exercise". I was ok with that...but it went to tuesday and again this morning.
The good news is that as the day has moved on today, I have felt it loosening up some and I actually walked across and back campus and it was great. So, tonight I just did 15 minutes on the little stepper machine and it actually felt better after and i stretched.

But here is the deal. I have learned how valuable exercising is. I have learned how learning how to exercise right is. I have learned that when I hurt myself or when i am having a hard time, to treat myself well, because I want this more than I can say and I don't want to do anything that will make it worse...so I LISTEN! LOL!..but most importantly I have learned that I also no longer fear allowing an injury or an issue like this getting me so off track that i don't return to do right by myself. Yes, I live one day at time, but there was a time that when I made a change, a break in the new habit would lead me back to the old habit quickly. That was the fear before. I thought that if I stopped for even a day exercising that I would not get back to it. No, this is part of my life and wellness now. It is absolutely necessary and it feels so good to have that as part of what makes me feel so good! Part of this is the piece that comes from within that drives me but the other is the part that comes from the accountability with keeping up with and not shying around from those who love me and being honest about where I am and what is going on with me. It is vital.

there is A LOT more going on right now that I am not able to share just yet...but through it all, I am so glad to have this wellness in my life..it makes ALL the difference..every piece of it!

thanks be!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day 620: Greater than through love and support

Ok...It is 10:04pm and I have literally been out of this bed today a total of about an hour. I have no guilt over this. I honestly needed it today. I have enjoyed watching the Big Bang Theory, Monk, and reruns of Hot in Cleveland and then about 2 o'clock with the window open and the cool air coming in, I drifted off to sleep and slept for most of the day only to wake in the evening!

It has been a LONG time since I have given myself permission just to shut down and really and truly relax like this. It was nice! My lower back is as tight as it has been in some time. So it was also probably good to give it some time off as well. I am really having to take it easy there.

This week has been intense. I am grateful that i was able to say goodbye to someone I loved hours before her passing, be with my dad as he makes another transition in his treatment, and do some things that were pretty amazing..but all of it made for a very intense week. Having time to decompress and to just take care...well, that is essential.

night and here's to a new week! :)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 616: Greater than through love and support

Today I had an amazing experience I had to share, particualry in light of last nights post and feeling some real sadness and loss.

Today, I was video taped for something that will air in November for a recognition I have recieved that was and is very humbling. Michael was here with me and in the course of the hour of the video taping, talking about civil rights, change, and all sorts of things that are very important to me..she stopped and asked me a very serious quesiton: what is "love" to you?

It really took me a back for a moment, but then It just came right to me:
I told her that I cannot answer that without telling a story and I have to share it here..as it was and is story that has changed my life and is so much the foundation of all things that happen for me today.

When I moved to Conneticuit, I got a job on an estate in Sharon Valley. It was in the middle of no where and the house was enormous. I literally lived in this massive place alone, and the owner of the home only came there on certain weekends from the city. My room was on the third floor, and while I could control the lights from downstairs throughout the house, I could not control them from my room, so to get upstairs, I had to shut all the lights out and climb the three sets of stairs in the pitch dark in this old house in Sharon Valley..the wind howling outside..the floors creaking...and mind you at that time..I was DEADLY scared of the dark! I was also scared to be alone..so this was a challenge every night. Until one night.
One night, I came home, and I proceeded to go upstairs. The wind blew, the stairs creaked..and I got to the top landing where my room was..and there I stood...and it hit me: I was not afraid. I was not even anxious. In the pit of my stomach was this "fullness"..that is all I can describe it as and a sense of peace was washing over me that I had not had..ever. It was the most amazing feeling and what was truly wonderful, was that I did not feel alone..at all.

Let me back up..for as long as I could remember, I felt alone. I felt a yearning in me..I felt a sense of fear and a lack of connection. I would see people that had "it"..that seemed to be so in touch with themselves and "something" and I woudl want that so badly..hell, I would want to smack them upside their heads I was so jealous! LOL!..But I just did not knwo how to get "it". I tried filling up that space with so much..religion. food, drink, people, you name it..and it never worked.

Then a friend, the same friend who just gave me the yoga practice told me that if I were to let go..be willing to let go of all my preconvieved notions of what I thought I knew..get on my knees (that was my act of humilty, I think he knew I needed to make) and just be willing to listen..and then give equal time to talking..and be willing to "see what happened", it would. And so I did. I let go of myself, I let go of not letting in somethign greater than myself. I trusted that someone else knew more than myself. I listened. and then, after doing that for a while, here I stood at the top of the stairs and I was FEELING this presence, this comfort, this serernity..this LOVE. A feeling I have not lost since that day...a feeling I get whenever I truly connect with someone or something that is truly real and worthwhile. A feeling I get when I am honest and open and WILLING to let good in..to trust and be trustworthy. that is in itelf..love. That connectedness. That sense or state of being where what I block or what I shut out and become negative with is dissolved by trust, and again, willingness..openness.

Everything good thing that has followed since has come with that feeling, that connection involved..but also with WILLINGNESS involved. I hope I am explaining that part..becuase today as they were filming me, it really hit me that that is what has really transformed me in so many ways..I have not changed me..that has been through so much power of something greater than me and through the love and connection fo those around me..but my part was praying for and becoming willing: willing to let go of bad habits..let go of negativity, look at things different, be open to new ideas and news of ways of seeing and feeling and be willing to be wrong but also being willing to see my principles, stand up for them and myself..being willing to be myself and be!

Imagine if we can reach folks and get them to be willing to feel that connection..be willing to want to love, want to get along..want to..well, you get it..but it is Willingness!

God, what a great day..a great need I had today for this to happen..to feel that feeling, to tell that story...to be reminded of that..LOVE!..and to have that LOVE so real and connected.
THanks be!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 615: Greater than through love and support

I want a maria calender chicken pot pie followed by a pound cake with ice cream and a 1 lb bag of m and m's, washed down with three diet cokes. Yep, that is the mood I am in..and no, this is not a menu I have not had before..many times in the past..but it has been a long time since I have really wanted it.

As I write, I am practicing HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). I am tired...not so much angry, but sad...I am not lonely, but feeling loss and experienced today sitting with someone I love who passed within hours after I left.

I want to fill up a space that is just anxious and not well right now. I am writing this, because it is helping me "think it through"...rather than do something that would do the contrary to my better help. I have to get this off my...not chest, but self. I am saddled with..well, stuff. I can sort through it and see some of it is real and in the present, most is in the future, so does not exist..and then some is supposition about what others may or may not think or do..and frankly, I have no control. So, I have a choice here..damage myself because I am willing to sacrifice the good I do for myself..or FEEL what I am feeling in the reality of what IS happening, put aside what is in the future...and let go of that which I have no control of...simple right? LOL! :)

Well, to some degree it is. But, I need and have help..as such I am grateful for this blog. I am grateful for a dog named Louis that I am walking for a friend while she is away who just is "happy" and wants to kiss me...and reminding of just honest love. I am grateful for the down comforter..and being snuggled up and safe in my home..the sound of the game from Michael's Ipad and knowing how much I am supported. I am grateful to know that none of these things takes away the sad..but makes it ok to get through without having to do something that will harm me. I am grateful to have had time today to say goodbye..and to know that things happen the way they are supposed to. I am grateful to know such special people. And when it all comes down to it, the other things that are swirling around that I feel anxious over, well, they are pretty "high class" issues when I really look at them, because, because of the privilege of being involved, of being able to be active, I am encountering strong personalities....much like my own. So, really, having issues is just part of it..resisting to the point of causing my own self angst..well that is up to me.

So, tonight..I have had three walks with a dog named louis. A sensible dinner with Michael..that I made that did not include 48 grams of fat like Ms. Calendar's pies,...a snack that did not include cake or m & m's much less a pound of either, and while I did have a diet coke, that was the worst of it.

I still marvel that one day at a time..after all this time..I can walk through the moments that are hard and continue to do so in this way....It is remarkable...and I remain grateful for all the love and support that makes my life greater everyday!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Day 613: Greater than through love and support

I ran from the house to the beach and back today...another goal down! :) It was so wonderful in this fall Sunday! I did take a break once i got to the beach and hung out for a meeting to nurture my spirit, and then hauled tail back. It was amazing!

...I, Bo Dean, ran to the beach and back! that is something I never thought I would be saying! I certainly did not think I would be writing about it on the same evening (would have assumed I would be soaking in a tub from aches and pains after such an endeavour)...but I am awake...spending time with Michael..got some housework done today afterwards, actually saw one of my favorite artist's in the world, Elizabeth Darrow showing at the Property Shop this afternoon..and this evening stretched out a little on a new path I have been wanting to do.

I am not bragging..I have taken steps to get here. I have followed the advise I have been given and I have listened and I have shown up...it is like most things that have brought success to my life...oh..I listened..and I showed up. I listened and I showed up. Amazing how that works!

I am ready to do this for some other areas of my life..but for my physical self, I have been wanting to incorporate Yoga into my life for sometime. I just cannot make the time to go to classes and the books don't really make a lot of sense for me. I have watched on facebook the progress of a friend and mentor of mine that I have known for 23 years as he has been down in Mexico going through training to become a practitioner of Yoga. It was so exciting to see him on his journey and to literally see the light that has always been inside him become brighter as he continued to evolve in his educational and spirtual journey.

I asked him if he would help me by designing a routine that I could do each day in addition to my workouts and cardio and without hesitation he sent one to me. I am not able to do all of it yet, but what I was able to do felt so wonderful...I particularly like the rocking back and forth in between each move and pose. There was something very nurturing in it.

Part of doing this is for superficial reasons..I like what i see in those who practice yoga and I want to be as flexible as I possibly can be to continue to grow and be healthy (particularly given my age)..but I want also what I see in those that practice in deepening my connection spiritually and mentally. I need to connect more and to have that time and I know enough of myself to know that just sitting still is not as likely as moving through a routine that embraces some activity with connection. I am so grateful to Karl.

So, today, it was a good day. Time with me, my higher power, sharing both with others, my beloved, and nurturing the things that are truly the most important....a well lived day. Cannot ask for better or for more!

thanks be!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Day 607: Greater than through love and support

I have been in Disney for a few days. More on that later.
The reason I was there was because, once again, I had a special honor to be involved in the wedding of two very special people. This has become something of a regular event for me, but it is not something that has become anything I take for granted. It is, with no hyperbole at all, stunning to be invited to officiate at such an occasion.

For me, it is even more profound because I struggled for so long with relationships and particularly because for so long I was not sure that I would have a relationship, a marriage, a life like the one I have today. Part of what makes my role in all this so special for me and I hope for the couples that I have been involved with is that what I bring to to the table, other than the actual enthusiasm for long lasting joinings of hearts, minds and spirts, is some of that experience, that understanding, and so much of the mistakes, the failures, and the successes that have come along the way that help to inform my own life. No matter what, it is a priviledge.

This week, it was a couple that was genuinely good at heart. I write the script for the ceremony for each couple based on what I experience with the couple themselves. For this couple, I found a passage from the bible from Colossians that was so perfect for them. It was the perfect way to welcome the wedding day. I want to write more about that scripture in minute, but the wedding was very similar to the one that happened over Hurricane Irene. All was planned so well, but the weather was not a willing guest. Like the weekend of Irene, I watched a groom and a bride respond to the moment and find joy and love and celebration no matter what the weather. They had filled their week with laughter, friends and family. Any drama was left at the door, and now it was time to just focus on the love. They embraced each other and gave that love to those around them. So, the wedding did not take place with Cinderella's castle as the backdrop, but it was no less magical, no less wonderful. In fact, in many respects, it was even more wonderful because everyone, gathered in the "back up" place, beautifully dressed was there to see and experience a love that had been forming since these two were teens....and had lasted and transcended more than most marriages these days before their own marriage. Nothing could have been more lovely.

I got to witness again the look in their eyes. This is the third time I have seen "it". That look where you know there is LOVE, with a capital L. I got to see a deep and real sense of desire to do right for each other. I will always be there, if they need to be reminded of that look. that is a precious gift to observe...to witness, to hold for that couple. I am always at their ready to give that back to them if they need it. to be reminded.

But the scripture:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

I chose this for several reasons, but mostly because I saw in this couple so much love, compassion, and true and honest love. I saw them facing a world that was not any of that in so many ways but if they chose to hold fast to one another and use this as a guide, one day at time, they could and would forge such and incredible and strong force for good in the world. I shared this and more with them.

But, I have been thinking more and more today, as I have returned home about this passage. For those who may read this who are not Christians but might read this in a more universal spiritual sense, this still reads as true. It translates easily into "Give a shoulder to each other and be supportive and live with a forgiving heart, and have above all things LOVE. To live a life of gratitude (which is an action filled life of service), a life that is about the business of PEACE, and one that is focused on aims that are higher than our own selves, our own interests, our own self fish needs."

This one passage was a recipe, a prescription spiritual life goals that are a part of what can make my own life the best it can be. And yet, when I returned home, I encountered situations where this simple means to make way for us to live is so difficult. If I go into detail about the "situations" i get into to much of my "public" life. But, I get so tired to folks who complicate the means for us to be able to aid and assist those in need. Those who seek to harm others when they themselves have their own issues. When do we become more forgiving and less finger pointing? When do we focus on what we need to do to be healthy ourselves and stop focusing on the issues of others?

The marriage this weekend was between a wonderful young couple. The scripture was about how to be healthy in that relationship. But what came back to me in a blessing beyond being the witness and being present at the event, was being reminded that this scripture is also about my relationship with the world around me. I cannot hold others accountable to it. I cannot EXPECT others to live this way. But I CAN expect myself to live this way and to work towards this end. I can take the scripture and boil it down further: Support, forgive, Love; Be Grateful, Peaceful, and Self-less. This can be a mantra into action. So that as I continue to face what comes my way, I can not only be supportive, but remember how much I am supported, I can be forgiving and perhaps I will be forgiven, I can love and truly mean it...and perhaps love will happen around me. I can live a life of gratitude and the things that happen around me will not be taken for granted, I can work towards peace in all things and be about making more peace, and work one self lessness where being self fish is not about prioritizing my health and growth.

That is a wonderful benefit of this weekend...to have a work out plan for my soul! :)
thanks be!

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Day 600: Greater than through love and support

My friend Robert Laws posted something on facebook the other day. Robert is an episcopal priest who I give a hard time to because he loves him some roman catholic saints and feasts! :) (I think it's the drama and pageantry of it all!) He is so dead on in the message of poverty and understanding human nature and our real need to source our connections for love, compassion and understanding. In short, he is someone I have connected with who "gets it".

To his post I said "somedays I think the Antichrist is not a person or being, but the creation of misinformation that feeds that part of us that is too lazy to seek truth. I have yet to find out what it is that makes us so willing to accept what we hear, particularly when it is negative. Why we don't inquire, question, want to see good and seek the best in things. We have such a privilege in being alive..having grace..and yet...."

I talk alot about the three fold person that I believe I am: physical, mental, and spiritual. Trying to find some balance and feed the best for those parts that make up all of me is my goal. So, Robert's post really got me thinking of the mental influences that can really effect my spiritual well being.

Part of this is just the news in general..from the local paper to the national level, from the headlines to the "angle" they choose to take on any particular subject, there is a constant barrage of negative. this week over 300 people showed up for an environmental review process for a concrete plant in our region. WECT reported it and they led the story with this brash man (who they did not identify and was clearly NOT an expert) saying loudly to the camera "I was in a room full of idiots". He was among the maybe 10 people in the entire room FOR the plant and instead of stating what the sound reasons where for having the plant, his character assassination of doctors, citizens, environmentalists who appeared in the room (about 300), with facts, sound reasoning, and real data in tow, where reduced on our evening news to being called "idiots". It was heartbreaking to see. But what if I was someone who did not know better. What if that was the only information that I had? What time then does it take for me to research deeper and look for more details.

This story is not an exception to the rule. The more I have gotten involved, the more I have seen how this takes place. How things get "reported". But I cannot completely blame the news for the way people perceive things and what they believe. See, we get this barrage. We get this information and what do we do? We accept it. Or, depending on the source (ie, because, supposedly, MSNBC Is controlled by liberals and fox is controlled by conservatives, we screen all information from these sources accordingly or based on our own political bent) we reject it as biased. So, once the information is in our hands, it is now up to US to do more, and I am afraid most of us don't. What I have been seeing in political campaign after political campaign, and year after year is more information and less critical inquiry. Less depth in looking at what is being presented. It is as if we are just willing to believe things based on a narrowly defined set of pre-determined perimeters and our really looking beneath the surface, looking at things and information critically is not done.

The danger of this on so many levels is what I see influencing my spiritual life and what I see eroding the spiritual life of the world around me. We are more polarized than we have ever been. We are literally fed a script and we are not thinking for ourselves and as a result we suffering. We are dividing amongst each other. We HURT each other as a result. I see the characterizations and the fear, the "us vs. them", the judgments and the quickness to come to opinions about one another.

So, like the goals I have for my health, I have goals for spiritual and mental life. One of the biggest goals is to not accept the superficial. To be critical of the news I hear and to look beyond the headline. To be a part of the solutions and INJECT positive into the discussions but also to be more thorough in my examinations before I speak and speak out. To take time to find out what is going on and not seek beyond the first level of information.

On a much more personal level, I also have to be willing to not become part of someone's else's ugliness about others. When their is criticism and negativity being shared, I have to say NO and be willing to walk away. I think this is the one that takes the most discipline and work and it requires more than just this blog post. But to be healthy, to truly love, there has to be a true sense of support for others. that support has to extend itself to not being a party to listening to the bile of others. Just because I may not trade in gossip or criticism does not mean that I am not living vicariously through another by standing by and listening to them do it. How nice that they are the negative one and I am such a saint by just "listening". Well, that negativity is as poisonous coming out of me as it is going into me.

I want to continue growing, not in blind faith of others (that is not a wise path), but in seeking out the best. That does not mean that I will not encounter negative or be around things or even behavior that is not sound, it just means that I can be about those things that make ME healthier and maybe that will extend itself.

Now, here is the part that really is the kicker. If I am positive about others. If I am clearer about the issues around me. If I am more focused and caring about my relationships, then the aggregate effect on my physical health is abundant. It all works together.

I am rambling..but it is part of my goals...and I am grateful to have the awareness.
thanks be.

1st Day of this Journey!