Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Day 289: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Monday began with getting to the gym and having a great start to the day...

work went well and then I was off to the dentist. I go to Sandra Miles DDS and she is about the only dentist that is currently in practice that can stick that needle in my mouth without Valium or gas. She is remarkable and has been helping me with my teeth health as well, something that I have needed for a long time and now starting to really get it together.

I was in there for a while and then home to try and rest.

Unfortunately the internet stalker was at it again last night, this time posing as someone else on facebook Friday the same person had take the time and money to make a cartoon video and post that.  It seems to never end. What was nice last night after I wrote a few people, filed the report this time on this lunatic/sick person, was that I was at peace.

The world around us may seem completely out of control these days, but strangely it was almost like I have been being prepared for this moment for 20 years when I was told that I would know serenity when in the midst of a storm, I could find myself completely at peace.

Throughout the years, I have been in many storms and found some peace..but not like this.

In most of those storms there was always this sense that I needed to do more, be more, act more, and there were even twinges of regret that maybe if I had just...fill in the blank. There was also remnants of self doubt and letting the insults and hate of others infiltrate my health and opinion of me...my God centeredness. The worst of it was that whatever stress I was enduring, I let myself eat myself into bad health or not take care of myself. The more distraught, the more I grabbed at something to fill the anxiety...and food is a great comforter.

But today, I am realizing more and more that I can only do what I am capable of...and I am grateful for that..but it means there are limits...and in these political races, I have done all I can do. I have shared, talked, given, tried to educate, and been active. I have placed myself out there and not been shy about peaceful, but appropriate confrontation. In the end, that is what I have and I am at peace.

I feel no guilt for who I am and there is a sense of self that i have, after all these years, never had before and will not let go of. You can have so much from me, but you cannot have my sense of self. I acquired that by acknowledging the God within me. Not being God, but knowing that I am the imperfect creation of something much greater than myself and I am do all I can to live up to and be with that guided love in my life each day.

As a result, I don't have to hurt me anymore when I am stressed or when it is the worst around me. I don't have to over eat, do things that only make things worse.  What a wonderful freedom and happiness...that sense of peace.

I am sad that there are those who are going to the polls so selfishly, or those who are reactionary or out of hatred or prejudice. I am sad that corporations have bought and paid for so many votes...the saddest I feel are people I care about who have traded their own influence to ignore a candidate locally over long entrenched race issues and will ultimately see our whole community pay for it in the end...but I am not in control of them or those situations. I have only myself to ask for guidance and try and live that...it is a very freeing sense of place and time.

I have seen my friends beaten up and spoken up, I have never been talked about so much and not let it go when it infiltrated my life but let a lot go where it just showed how unfortunate the prevaricators of such mess are (and learned about some of them enough so about their own family lives to really pray for them actually), and yet, I am at peace. I know my motives, I know why I do what I do, and I will continue to do...and pray each and everyday that it is His will, but at least know that I am trying.

It is the best I have felt, emotionally, physically and spiritually on an election night in a long time.

I had a difficult night last night physically and stayed home today. This evening I was able to run 3.2 miles and while my lungs were a little tough in the cold air and I was struggling with my pace, it was an amazing run.

It is a good night..a good day..and I am grateful..very very grateful.

thanks be to God!

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