Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Day 794: Greater than through love and support

I am embarrassed that it has been so long since I posted. But I think it is symptomatic of what finally came to a crashing halt last night.

I could not sleep, actually got physically ill and was unable to go in today for the first time since I began this great work at the CAM. I am not a doctor, but I have lived in this body for a while and I know myself enough to know that I crashed last night from what I DO to me.

So much has been going on and I have been trying so very hard to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. This last week it felt like the more I put a foot forward, the more mired it got in things that were, undeniably out of my control, but that were so very hurtful. From seeing those in need of housing denied by those who have more than they will ever need, seeing students shifted and further margnialized and work I was intimately involved in dissipating, watching leaders I care about be so very judgmental and uninformed, and then dealing with family I love dealing with loss, health, and issues in their own lives. And for me, learning my new life professionally and seeing what my limits are and how I have to change to rise to the occassion.

but it all comes down to that one word that no matter how old i get, I still like to wrassle with.."CHANGE".

My spirit was so very affected and it depleted what reserve I had of spiritual energy and I just had no more to give. I had to surrender last night. I had to just give in to being physically, mentally and spiritually overwhelmed.

For anyone who knows me, it was and it always is so hard for me to just feel all of that...as much as I know I am safe in a power greater than myself and have faith that I will get through, as much I know that I will be supported and loved my husband and friends, I still, after all these years hate..yes hate..to have things affect me to a point where I am not feeling the forward motion, I am not feeling the gratitude. I know that I can feel all this and not loose my perspective. I understand that I can walk through my feelings and still be grateful, but my resistance is up...and well, it takes me having to just shut down.

Fortunately, I have learned enough over the years that this shutting down does not involve a great deal of collateral damage: eg binge eating, drinking, spending etc. I have managed up until today to exercise and find that time for myself, meet most of my commitments. My eating has been comforting and not what I want for myself, but it is not so off I cannot correct my course, and I have reached out and asked for help. Most importantly, I took time today to heal, to do what i needed to do to take care of myself. None of which means that what has been going on around me is going away..but what good can I be if I am not taking care of myself.

But as I said, it is all about Change...change, being good or bad brings on an unsteady feeling and I don't know about you, but I want to cling to whatever will right me and keep me steady during all this. Well, doing those fundamental things...reaching out, exercising, prayer, showing up, and doing the next right thing WHILE really being honest with myself about what I can and cannot do and WHILE BEING honest about what I can and cannot spend time dwelling on...those are the things that will help me get to the other side.

I am learning my way into a new job, part of a new way of living in my professional life, and there is A LOT to distract and a LOT that i care about that is going on..but if I do not do those things which take care of the gift that God has given me, I will not and cannot be effective for any of it.

I am..after all is said and done, grateful for this..as I am always grateful for being able to have a moment to see...to listen.....and I hope those who live and love with me will understand.

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