Bo Dean's Blog In Wilmington North Carolina: March 2012

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Day 809: Greater than through love and support

So this is a new way for me to blog using Siri and actually dictating my blog. This could get very interesting to see how Siri interprets what I say and how I say it. but I'm loving living the Star Trek life and being able to talk to my phone as if it was a person and being able to tell it what to do when to do it and how to do it. At least there is one thing in my life that I can order around and feel confident that I'm not exceeding my capacity for my own ego or my own sense of self.

As zealous as I am I really do like working with people and not trying to run things. and the older I get the more I realize that trying to run my own life without help from others and working with others, well it just doesn't work. case in point is this whole greater than through love and support in this whole effort of these last couple years and what's led to this part of my journey. I really discovered that by working with others...with all the support from others...by listening to others and by doing what others at least trying to do what others tell me to do and listening to the really makes a significant difference.

There's a line in another program that I'm familiar with that says that "we have to let go of our old ideas". I have noticed this is one of the hardest things for me during times of change. I want a sense of certainty and I want a sense of knowing that what I'm doing is right. But, there is change. There are new experiences and so of course I am NOT going to know things and of course I don't know everything. I have to be reminded when I am feeling frightened or off because I don't know something that I am NOT being threatened or that it is ok....that it as an opportunity to grow to experience something new to experience learning and growing...and to ask for help! To seek answers, and to be available to those answers without resistance.

I have a deep desire to keep growing and yet I still can get in my own way at times. I realize it's an important part of what keeps me mentally spiritually sound but also viable for just being able to live as a whole. I see way too much absolutism around me. Too many people unwilling to change and the results are as that other program says "nill" because they just won't let go and as a result there a lot of anger, a lot of division, a lot of separation and frankly there's just not a lot of growth.

Recently I hit a milestone in my own new journey on my work and I realized you know I'm still such a baby when it comes to what I'm doing and how I'm doing it and I realize that this is another part of my spiritual growth not only my professional road. This is also part of me learning and adapting and changing while I bring a lot to the table they're still so much for me to understand and so much for me to encounter. Instead of being afraid and being resistant to change and understanding because I'm afraid that somebody might not think that I know what I'm doing I have to look at it as an opportunity and I want to look at it as an opportunity because all of this is about being able to explore the blessings of this opportunity and to really look at it in a way that can grow and make something that has been given to me as a gift be really be incredible.

This morning when I woke up I so did not want to go to the gym I just wanted to sleep a little longer. I was tired, but I went. By going this morning and by doing something that I was so dead set against doing, I'm now on the other side of it, and I'm feeling at such peace and I'm feeling at one. I have an opportunity today to do so much more because I took the risk of actually going out and doing what I was not necessarily wanting to do but new was necessary in order for me to be the best I could be today. I'm just really grateful and I hope that I can continue to apply that to every aspect of my life or as that other program says "practice these principles in all my affairs". so very grateful just to be alive today and have these opportunities thanks be for all!
Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Day 806: Greater than through love and support

Last week I felt like I was catching up all week. It was an amazing week, but one that was wrought with must moving forward after one of the biggest milestones i have hit since all this life change began.
I ran a half marathon! :) better put, WE ran a half marathon. Everyone reading this post and everyone that has been a part of this journey ran that half with me! and what was so cool was that for the first time, Adam, who ran it with me, achieved a new goal with me as he had never run a half either! Who would have thought that the not so young padoin would be accomplishing something with his yoda! Lol!

The night before I was trying to figure out everyway I could to duck out gracefully! I was scared of this one. I had been working 7 days a week for a while and I was not sure about it. I wanted to do it so badly, but again, I was not sure. But, I actually fell asleep at at 4:40 in the morning I got up and off we went to the pitch dark to Wrightsville Beach. It was one of the biggest crowds I have ever seen and the energy was amazing! I think that the first 4 miles I was just propelled along by the shear energy and force of the thousands of people I was around. It was amazing!..but as we hit military cut off road and started towards Landfall, it was sinking in that this one was a long one. Thank God for those people Cheering on the side of the road. They were a life saver. Their smiles and whistles and encouragement just lifted my spirit. I felt that in my very feet and it helped me so very much! I just kept a steady pace adn moved forward and it was amazing. When I saw the 9 mile mark, it was the best feeling, because I knew I was going to make it. Testosterone hit a little at that point and Adam had to pull me by the neck of my shirt becuase I yelled at a couple of cars passing us too fast and WAY dangerously..but that was the ONLY negative in the whole experience. When I realized I was a little too pumped up, it was also one of the funniest self aware moments as well and even more wonderful was having enough energy at 9 miles to get upset! LOL! Adam and I checked in on each other and if you think for a minute that the definition of freindship is not just being there for one another when you are moving through something so powerful, you have to trust me. It was a freakin' honor to run with this man. To have come from not be able to climb a set a stairs...to not be able to do a simple squat..to be running side by side in a Half Marathon..and NOT to be last...but keeping pace...to truly be experiencing that...well..that is a gift..period.

We hit 10 and rounded out back out of Landfall and it hit how close we were. For me, I know not that anticipating the end is NOT the best thing. It was HARD to get through that last mile and half of those three miles. When we got into Mayfaire, I wanted so desperately to see the finish line and the way they set up, you could not because they routed us around other buildings. I felt tears welling up because i wanted to see the finish. I had gotten out of the moment, gotten out of the race and had gotten to the finish..and just as we turned the last corner, we were routed to a sidewalk. to our Left were EMTs and all sorts of firetrucks. I looked down and a body lay literally as blue as the sky and they were resuscitating him. It struck me "but for the grace of God go I". I looked at Adam and I said "thank you". He knew exactly why i said it...and it was a moment that I will never forget. I said a prayer for the runner...and then got my head back in the moment. I looked and saw Michael's face...with his camera going. I was so proud he was there and so grateful! I felt so loved and having him there was the best way to enter the finish! I could hear Colin Hackman say my name as I crossed the finish line....I grabbed two medals! My first medal ever! and put one on me and one on Adam and just burst into a rush of tears. It was a release and a miracle. A spiritual moment. It was amazing!

Don't think this is my last, but I am not thinking about marathons. In the middle of the race, I turned to Adam and said how grateful I was for this, but I realized, this was what I wanted. It was so healing. By no coincidences, I saw Andy Mckvey at the end, the very person who gave me the gift of registration for this event and inspired me so much, and then when I got back to my car at the loop and was sitting there having a private moment with God, there in my field of vision was Mary Barto...one of the cheerleaders I have had. She embraced me and it was so very special. Wherever I went and whatever I did, it was so amazing..and I am and was so grateful.

I left there and went to the bath, but had to work that afternoon and then went right into the week..so as I said, it was a tough week and pretty emotional on many levels.

I have finally had a weekend this weekend. It has been wonderul and I feel re-energized and ready for a new week!

So much to be grateful for! So much to celebrate! thanks be!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Day 794: Greater than through love and support

I am embarrassed that it has been so long since I posted. But I think it is symptomatic of what finally came to a crashing halt last night.

I could not sleep, actually got physically ill and was unable to go in today for the first time since I began this great work at the CAM. I am not a doctor, but I have lived in this body for a while and I know myself enough to know that I crashed last night from what I DO to me.

So much has been going on and I have been trying so very hard to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. This last week it felt like the more I put a foot forward, the more mired it got in things that were, undeniably out of my control, but that were so very hurtful. From seeing those in need of housing denied by those who have more than they will ever need, seeing students shifted and further margnialized and work I was intimately involved in dissipating, watching leaders I care about be so very judgmental and uninformed, and then dealing with family I love dealing with loss, health, and issues in their own lives. And for me, learning my new life professionally and seeing what my limits are and how I have to change to rise to the occassion.

but it all comes down to that one word that no matter how old i get, I still like to wrassle with.."CHANGE".

My spirit was so very affected and it depleted what reserve I had of spiritual energy and I just had no more to give. I had to surrender last night. I had to just give in to being physically, mentally and spiritually overwhelmed.

For anyone who knows me, it was and it always is so hard for me to just feel all of that...as much as I know I am safe in a power greater than myself and have faith that I will get through, as much I know that I will be supported and loved my husband and friends, I still, after all these years hate..yes hate..to have things affect me to a point where I am not feeling the forward motion, I am not feeling the gratitude. I know that I can feel all this and not loose my perspective. I understand that I can walk through my feelings and still be grateful, but my resistance is up...and well, it takes me having to just shut down.

Fortunately, I have learned enough over the years that this shutting down does not involve a great deal of collateral damage: eg binge eating, drinking, spending etc. I have managed up until today to exercise and find that time for myself, meet most of my commitments. My eating has been comforting and not what I want for myself, but it is not so off I cannot correct my course, and I have reached out and asked for help. Most importantly, I took time today to heal, to do what i needed to do to take care of myself. None of which means that what has been going on around me is going away..but what good can I be if I am not taking care of myself.

But as I said, it is all about Change...change, being good or bad brings on an unsteady feeling and I don't know about you, but I want to cling to whatever will right me and keep me steady during all this. Well, doing those fundamental things...reaching out, exercising, prayer, showing up, and doing the next right thing WHILE really being honest with myself about what I can and cannot do and WHILE BEING honest about what I can and cannot spend time dwelling on...those are the things that will help me get to the other side.

I am learning my way into a new job, part of a new way of living in my professional life, and there is A LOT to distract and a LOT that i care about that is going on..but if I do not do those things which take care of the gift that God has given me, I will not and cannot be effective for any of it.

I am..after all is said and done, grateful for this..as I am always grateful for being able to have a moment to see...to listen.....and I hope those who live and love with me will understand.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Day 783: Greater than through love and support

I have the whole day off today and I am completely stymied as to what to do! :) So, I will just do the next thing that is in front of me and not worry about it.
That thought hit me and I thought, "that sounds like a good plan for life right now!".

Don't get me wrong, I have Good Orderly Direction always, but lately I have hit some places where I either don't know the answers or the answers that are available are incomplete. So, instead of trying to bully a result, which will lead to just being frutstrated and potentially could have very negative results, I am just going to do what is in front me and put those unanswered things aside.

If hindsight is any help at all, i know that when I am supposed to know something I will. When answers are to come, they will. My desire for it, for them does not change the timing.

It all may sound so very elementary, but when i am in conflict or perceived conflict with someone, when someone i care about is going through a bad time and I don't know what the outcome will be, or when things are in flux in and around me, it is hard to not demand..push.."bully" my will on all of it and create more havoc and drama. I am so glad that i have the tools of prayer, talking and yes, even exercising to let go, stay in the moment, and get focused. A discipline like anything else, the work that goes into letting go is minimal compared to getting lost in thinking, acting, and even being in a state that has no conclusion, cyclical, or just revolving issues.

This past week, I am on the new routine with working out and it is a kicker..but it is amazing today. I had a good week of eating as well and feel pretty good about my overall health! It is about showing up...but in showing up there is this change that is happening little by little over time and it is wonderful!

I have a lot to be grateful for...and today..as I go to the "next right thing"...that is what I will "cycle through" repeatedly: gratitude!

1st Day of this Journey!