Friday, November 25, 2011

Day 653: Greater than through love and support

I think is was a week ago I got the gym and someone I care about was finishing up training and we got to talking. This person said "when am I going to get like you where I am enjoying this!".

It really struck me on a couple of levels. First, I remember being in that place (hell, it was only 22 months ago!)..and I also remember what happened when I hit the wall. I don't even have to look back on my posts at that time, cause I remember blogging about not only "getting through" training, but in particular cardio.

I also remember because it still goes on. There is, however, some difference now. But back to what it was like then: I remember that when I was starting, I wanted to stop when it got hard. This is after all work! Several things kept me going. Of course the love and support of Adam's training, you all, and to be honest, the absolute terror of failure! :)

But intrinsically, I can remember, the development of that internal voice. An internal coach, as it where. I can remember blogging about hearing a voice in my head when I was wanting to quit or not take it to the next level very lovingly say "you can do it". I had NEVER heard that voice in my head before reassuring me about something positive for myself. Sure, that voice said "yes you can screw this up" "yes you can fail" "yes you are ugly and fat"..but NEVER had it said things that were nurturing and uplifting.

What had happened was not that all of a sudden I was liking was not it at all...what was happening was that I was liking me enough to want wellness for myself. To give me something give me this health, this wellness, this time to nurture the phsycial side of myself that had an aggregate effect on me in the positive. That was what was so wonderful!

I guess somewhere along the way I have said how much I love the exercise..and while i do totally get off on the accomplishments, the growth, and the exhiliration that comes from the achievement that I am experiencing, it is this change in my thinking that is the most amazing and wonderful. I had to start shutting down on the voice that was so negative and say "this is FOR my wellness!" and it made the difference.

I was glad that this person said something to me because I was able to say "IT does not get better, I DID and DO!". I had heard that in other ways, but this was the first time I was able to say it for this part of my journey. Running and doing the things I am doing are indeed work..that is why they call it a work out. But, in my mind, I do no longer see this as punishing myself for being fat, or eating poorly, or not taking care of myself. I see what I am doing as creating more health and wellness for myself, doing something for me that makes more good things happen as a result.

My WILLINGNESS to see differently how this works makes the difference in not only the outcomes of working out, but in the work out themselves. I can approach things negatively and create as much resistance and make it as hard I can..or I can get in there and work my ass off and really get something done. It is up to me. I see it as a gift and know that ultimately the earning of the wellness comes in how I respond to that gift.

Tonight I set out to run and get some exercise. I took the day for myself and have had a good day. But I have to admit that lately I have been raw emotionally and very senstive about my weight and how I look. Interesting how those two things just like to go hand in hand! LOL! Daddy being in and out of the hospital, the Tournament, the Gala, oh...and leaving my place of work after 13 years and starging a new venture....nothing like a little stress. While I have kept up with my running, I have had food I do not normally eat, I have drunk diet coke like it was water, I have even had little bits of candy here and there. Things that I responded to or grabbed when I was just over the top. I am proud of myself overall for how I have come through these last few weeks, and Lord knows I am grateful to God! :) but, there for a while I was not "seeing" myself. I was "fat" and I was questioning everyone and everything...I could have read "codependency no more" again! and while that may sound funny, it was a little rough going. One day at a time, I am hear, and moving forward! and like I said, today, I took the day for me and tomorrow I will as well. I need that recoup time.

That time is precious...just like the exercise. Giving myself those is nurture. Nurture for my soul. That does not mean that it takes out the sweat, the effort, the footwork, or even sometimes the butt kickingness  that comes with it, it just means that what I am doing by exercising, eating right (most of the time), trying to do these things and live in the moment, give me a sense of wellness that are truly, truly wonderful..and can only be named "gifts".

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