Its been since November since I blogged. I took the time then to keep the tradition going with my gratitude list and frankly, looking back on it, I think that it helped not only to keep me honest, but keep me sane and moving forward at the time of such enormous change. Sure its cliche, but it feels like an eternity has passed, but in one visit..one moment, it was as if it was yesterday. And it was yesterday that the last year came home to roost. No, not really yesterday, but it was yesterday that I started to understand more about this process.
Mom died a year ago next Sunday. The night before she left, September 12th, with michael in the room, she had a moment of pure clarity in which she gave me a gift. She told me something that when she passed, when the pain was at its worst, when the tears come now, I can see those eyes, deep past her into her soul and I can hear her prophetic words and remember..and stay focused, because, if I do what I know to be right, all will be ok.
But was is "ok?", what is "right"? I remember calling mom and being so excited about this or that and on the other end of the phone..silence. It was not disapproval. Just not approval. She was not going to outright say "bo, you know better", but her silence, that was a enough. I would spend hours trying to "explain", "teach" get her to "hear" me. But she would just say "you have to do what you think is best." Never in that sitcom, orthodox mother kind of way, where the mother would be the martyr, no, she meant it. But I wanted her to agree to approve. Nope. She was her own woman and knew what she knew and it was up to me to experience it. That has been my life. My opportunity. My privilege. I was not directed by her to do this or that, it was to find out..to seek out..to understand and if I wanted to know how she felt, she waited for me to ask. And, I was smart, I did.
Now, now she is gone and there was not even silence. No parent left to ask, to commiserate with, to share my joy or the good news, And then, "yesterday" I heard her. "you know what is right", "you know what to do". I stopped to look around. I wanted so badly to believe she was there. But as I slowed down, it hit me, mother was with me. She was as much of a part of my thinking and right acting as my long passed grandmother, whom I share so much about teaching me spiritual principles. She was in me as much as any spiritual force as I have ever felt. The next thing I new, there was laughter. Harold and I are sitting in their home talking about mom, and we were, for the first time I can remember to date, not tearing up every time we spoke or thought of her. Not waiting for her to come down the hall and join us, but we are laughing and celebrating her and she is with us. She is a part of us.
Tears are rolling off my face now as I write. Not from pain, but from knowing that I would never have this in my life without her. The ability to wirte about it, to walk through it, express my feelings, to take the risk to love and be loved, to do all the things I am doing now. But to know that I can do these these things and more for the rest of my life and never truly loose her or the presence of those i love because they are with me, in me, of me, and by me, makes for a life that is more more and more wondrous.
Mom died a year ago next Sunday. The night before she left, September 12th, with michael in the room, she had a moment of pure clarity in which she gave me a gift. She told me something that when she passed, when the pain was at its worst, when the tears come now, I can see those eyes, deep past her into her soul and I can hear her prophetic words and remember..and stay focused, because, if I do what I know to be right, all will be ok.
But was is "ok?", what is "right"? I remember calling mom and being so excited about this or that and on the other end of the phone..silence. It was not disapproval. Just not approval. She was not going to outright say "bo, you know better", but her silence, that was a enough. I would spend hours trying to "explain", "teach" get her to "hear" me. But she would just say "you have to do what you think is best." Never in that sitcom, orthodox mother kind of way, where the mother would be the martyr, no, she meant it. But I wanted her to agree to approve. Nope. She was her own woman and knew what she knew and it was up to me to experience it. That has been my life. My opportunity. My privilege. I was not directed by her to do this or that, it was to find out..to seek out..to understand and if I wanted to know how she felt, she waited for me to ask. And, I was smart, I did.
Now, now she is gone and there was not even silence. No parent left to ask, to commiserate with, to share my joy or the good news, And then, "yesterday" I heard her. "you know what is right", "you know what to do". I stopped to look around. I wanted so badly to believe she was there. But as I slowed down, it hit me, mother was with me. She was as much of a part of my thinking and right acting as my long passed grandmother, whom I share so much about teaching me spiritual principles. She was in me as much as any spiritual force as I have ever felt. The next thing I new, there was laughter. Harold and I are sitting in their home talking about mom, and we were, for the first time I can remember to date, not tearing up every time we spoke or thought of her. Not waiting for her to come down the hall and join us, but we are laughing and celebrating her and she is with us. She is a part of us.
Tears are rolling off my face now as I write. Not from pain, but from knowing that I would never have this in my life without her. The ability to wirte about it, to walk through it, express my feelings, to take the risk to love and be loved, to do all the things I am doing now. But to know that I can do these these things and more for the rest of my life and never truly loose her or the presence of those i love because they are with me, in me, of me, and by me, makes for a life that is more more and more wondrous.
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