Thursday, June 21, 2012

Day 884: Greater than through love and support

The biggest gift I have ever gotten is the gift of honesty from someone who truly and deeply cares about me.  Recently,  I've unwrapped two amazing gifts from people who genuinely and unconditionally love me.

The first gift was a few weeks ago when my mother called and said “I want you to come by my house because I need to talk”. Yeah, we all know that line..even in our forties. It is NEVER a good sign! J But, I have to admit that I have come to learn that the conversation is going to have something in it that I need to really bear down.

True to form when I got there in a very loving way, very similar to the way in which she first encountered me several years ago when my weight was at such a critical level, she said “what's going on with you  and gaining weight again?” To which of course I was mortified because I was trying so hard to ignore the fact that some of my clothes weren't feeling as comfortable and I knew something was up.

But here I was with my mother and I was able to just take a deep breath take it in and remember how much I was loved and just say “you know what… I am so very stressed out and overwhelmed and I am feeling and repeating some behaviors that I know all too well in dealing with my stress”. I let faced some thing that were going on that I was just not wanting to look at. 

I was starting to do some things that were sneaking in. First it was the eating a pizza every week rather than once a month or it was a trigger food here or there that I never eat. No it wasn't fast food but it was potatoes or it was something sweet cookies little things that I just had stopped eating altogether and all of a sudden they're back in my diet, and little by little I was eating more and still eating great healthy things but more of it.  And then along with these triggers and what was keeping me so entrenched in denial was the fact that all along I was showing up for exercise and I was showing up for running  and I was doing some really good things but I was so stressed out in my work life and in the things that I was doing that I was responding to it with having to go to something in a substance.  Can you relate.?

So soon as mom and I finished up our conversation which was so wonderful and such a gift I went to look at your my eating and I really did make some changes. I started to lose a couple pounds and really felt great. The problem though was that one of the major underlying situations is that the stress this change in my way of living on my worklife the the lack of regularity in my hours and so still there was still a piece missing and by that not being addressed then the issue became me being able to attend my workout such sessions  as well as getting hurt from time to time because I was not focusing and not taking care of me.

Enter the second gift. Adam and I only see each other for workouts once a week now and here I turn up and I don't show up for couple of sessions. This last time, it was not the “ok bubba, just take care of yourself” email. I get this text  from Adam that said , in effect, you know what brother I know you're stressed I know you got a lot going on in your life and I know that you are doing the best you can do in a lot of ways but this isn't working and you are hurting yourself by not showing up for you. You have got to remember to put what you do to take care of yourself first and come to sessions, do your work out; doing what it is that is necessary for you to be healthy. That's got to be first and foremost and you of  all people know it.

A long time ago we talked about in my journey here accountability partners. Adam  is my trainer but he's gone much further than that now and he's my closest friend outside of Michael and he is my accountability partner and I in many ways work with him in other ways.  

But here he stepped up and brought the message back to me that none of this, none of the quality-of-life none of the joy none of the help that I have is possible with out showing up for myself, showing up for those training sessions, showing up for those workouts continuing this journey that allows for me to get better to grow, and I cannot allow anything and that means anything to get in that way.

Now I don't know about you but for me, for years and years and years over my life I have made changes in certain ways and because I would get away from those changes I would then go back to repeating old behavior and I would never clearly breakthrough and completely make the change.  Well now it's different because of greater than true love and support I surrounded myself with people who truly get it and they get it in a way that they return it back to me.  They give back in ways that reminds me every day how important to me there is in taking care of myself and loving myself enough to want to be healthy and to continue on this journey.

So those are my two gifts: the honesty from two people who love me and I am taking the steps to continue on my journey and to continue loving myself enough to put that as my first priority again and you know if you're reading this and you need to be reminded of being loved enough to continue on your journey surround yourself with these words surround yourself with people.

 I just can't explain enough I hope maybe I didn't adequately in this house that nothing more important than the love that we're sharing with each other and support that we give to each other and can be valued or exchange it it's just phenomenal and I am more grateful that I can ever truly truly explain or give that with that and it's incredibly long post I will be at the gym tomorrow and one day at a time would just continue and I'll see

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