Bo Dean's Blog In Wilmington North Carolina: April 2012

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Day 831: Greater than through love and support

Whenever Adam would get me to do repetitions on a new exercise, when I would get to a point when I just felt like I could not do anymore he would tell me to "push through". By pushing through I was able to grow...to move to the next level, to move, in some cases to the next exercise. It was never about "over doing"..it was about doing what I was cable of even when it felt as though the "weight" (literally) was so stacked against me and I could not meet the challenge.

Knowing that I can "push through" under those circumstances has been a real underpinning for me these last couple of weeks. I simply got off the beam with taking care of me. I have been addressing the enormity of the changes in my life (job being biggest among them), and then as I talked about, in less than three weeks there were some pretty large things that went ary in our house and we lost a major life in our home and while the experience of going to California was amazing, it was nonetheless stressful and very full. At the end of the day I was grabbing for comfort food, sleeping later and missing my regular gym time and while I made it to the gym at other times, it was hit or miss and I just felt out of sync.

I faced myself, seeing this "slippery slope" of behavior and made an active decision to "push through" and show up for at the very least a short run on saturday. We went to the beach and it was the an amazing day..and while menatally I was not in the game to exercise...I saw this as an opportunity..and I took it...Michael lay down to enjoy the sun and I just took off down the sand. It was freeing and while I forgot my tennis shoes and was running barefoot, it was so awesome. I was doing something good for me and I was rewarded with the most amazing wind, the smell of the ocean and as I turned to come back from my run past shell island, a flock of Pelicans crossed the horizon in an amazing display. I got back to Michael and lay down as well and literally fell asleep, so content. It was awesome.

I have shown up and pushed through all week, and while this week has been tough in many ways...and there is still a lot I am adjusting to and trying to grasp and understand about what i am doing and how to do it...I have taken the time to run both monday and tuesday, showed up to training with Adam on wednesday (for a hell of a new routine) and today, when I honestly tried so hard to talk myself out of everything...went to the gym and ran the treadmill AND worked on the yard sale this evening! All this and this week I have been pretty good on my eating as well!

It comes back to the basics....loving myself enough to take care of me and remembering that what feels like comfort in the short run leads to discomfort in the end...but pushing through...showing up for me and for my health and well being..well, in the end, it is such a good feeling now and has the wonderful effect of being good for what will come!

So grateful!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Day 824: Greater than through love and support

I want to get this out before I get to far away from the trip and finsih the blog post about the trip to the West Coast. I really need to for my own sake becuase there were some things that happened that were just affirming of the direction that my life is heading in.

When we touched down in San Fransisco, it was amazing to me. I had made it for the very first time across the country. For some, well, that is just no big deal. For me, it was huge. Johnnie pointed out to me as we headed into the city the pacific ocean. I was seeing the pacific ocean for the first time and in my mind I was thinking, I am going to touch that before I leave.

I was exhausted from the flight, but with the time change it was only 10 in the morning. We got into the city and I was let off at my hotel. When I walked in the hotel clerk informed me that my room would not be available until 2. My heart sank. But, I locked up my luggage and struck out with my carry on on my back and just headed down the street. I saw one of those double decker open air tourist buses and hoped on. It was the smartest thing I could have done. I got an open air ride to all the major points in the city and went around as much as I could. It was the perfect way to orient myself to this place and to actually find out where I was. I got to Pier 39 and had lunch with sourdough bread and clam chowder and the famous Boudin's bakery. Years ago my mother and step dad would travel here and mother LOVED sourdough. This was a place for me to stop for her. It was awesome and so filling. From the pier I saw the golden gate for the first time in the distance and it was surreal to see it. It was deceptive at what distance it lay, but there it was. I rode around and walked more getting my bearings and discovered the Academy of Arts University. I had no idea what it was, but the sculpture outside this one building was amazing. I walked more and gallery after gallery was filled with things that made this Magpie have whiplash! :) By 2, I went back and checked in, but I had it in mind that I was going to go to the bridge. Understand that my purpose in San Fran was professional development. Already in one day I had seen so much of an amazing city that was supportive of an art community. I saw galleries that were clearly being fed by such an abundance of art and patrons, but the afternoon was about wanting to go see something I had heard about and seen all of my life: the Golden Gate Bridge. Secondarily, I wanted to see if I could overcome my fear of heights and actually go on it..and in the back of my mind, I wanted to see if I could run it.
Well..I took the bus back to pier 39 and then got off and started walking. Like I said, it was way further than I ever imagined...but the closer I walked, the more excited I got. It was over an hour. But here is the very cool thing:

Somewhere along the walk I heard in my head "be careful not to get so caught up in the destination that you miss something along the way".

Over and over that paid off, but twice in particular. I was walking along and on my left there was this amazing structure...seemingly way out of place that turned out to be the left over of the 19 something world fair called the palace of fine arts. It simply is a collossally beautiful structure. I actually ended up liking it becuase it was just nice. just beautiful. After I left there and passed through this amazing Crissy field, I came onto a rocky place by the bay shore and a man was making sculptures/forms out of rocks. he was balancing large on small and making these forms..and the very making of them was an act of peace, suspense, and tranquility. Everything seemed to just stop around him. It was beautiful. I was transfixed.
I moved on and what was running through my mind tried to get me to turn back. Tried to tell me that there was no way I was going to get up on that bridge. But I pushed forward. I was met at the base of the climb to the bridge by a staircase through hillsides of lillys growing wild..their white petals open to the afternoon sun. It was breathtaking..and I began the climb up. My intense fear of heights melted into that hillside and I climbed up to the bridge..and once on it...I began..to run! The wind..the sun..everything was so intensely freeing. I felt safe...but never ventured to close to the rails. It was phenomenal! I broke free..but more importantly...just like in the flight..I gave over control..gave over to the experience..made the decision to let go and because of that...I was able to experience something amazing!

That, as it turns out, was the lesson of the whole trip: by letting go..by not trying to control it..not caving to fear...and truly allowing myself to show up in that moment and accept the very gifts that were being given to me in those moments, those experiences, those opportunities, I was able to do more, have more, and GROW! the who trip was like that! I was able to take elevators to the 27th floor of buildings(have not done that in years). I went and experienced so much Art and find places..seek out people in museums: get their counsel...do so much that could and would have such a benefit..it was extraordinary!

On the last day, I went to the Legion of Honor...an amazing Museum on a cliff looking over the pacific ocean. I won't go into the journey out there..but it, in and of itself was awesome on public transportaion. But, after I went through the shows and exhibitions and made some very real connections for us here, I went to walk the grounds. I could see, again, the pacific ocean..and I knew, like the bridge, that it was further than it appeared..and there is actually a golf course around the Legion..so i walked along the cart path headed towards the ocean. I was not prepared for what came next. I went past the gate that did allow for any traffic from carts to continue and as I rounded a corner...a vista opened up like nothing I have ever witnesses in my life. I was on a cliff...looking out onto the pacific ocean....below me were giant rocks, waves crashing on them. Trees on the side with wind rushing through....it literally took my breath away and I said outloud and with tears going down my face "God, why do you give me so many blessings"...it was such an amazing gift. Just then a couple..interestingly enough from Virginia came walking up from the path to my right and I said "isn't it amazing" and they said yes and that there was a way down the cliff to the actual beach. I was inspired. I followed the direction they gave and found myself on a mile long climb down to the beach through what felt like Hobbitt woods: thick, ancient, knarled trees..and then I landed..this southern boy..never on the west coast..landed on the pacific ocean. The colored stones were magical...I had to take a few :)! I am stone freak..but just to look at them where they are was enough. What beauty!

Just think about it...2 years ago..I never could have done this..but also..by showing up and letting go...by making that decision to give myself over....it is stunning what life holds. I am not and we are not in control...it is so hard to expereince that all the time..but God, when I do....wow.....
thanks be!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Day 820: Greater than through love and support

I still cannot believe that I am laying in a bed in the Union Square district of San Fransisco..in a hotel...but still. Me. I am not only past the Mississippi for the first time in my life, but i flew here...and since I have been here there have just been amazing things happening.

But the road to here has been wild these last few weeks. Our home went through a series of bumps in the road. First the refrigerator just died, then the air conditioner. Both were with us when we built the place and it has already been almost 12 years. So, having them go out was not so awful, we got good life out of both, but going out at the same time was pretty wild. I love that, like everything, things just worked out. We got an amazing deal on a new frig and got a new unit for the ac put in and were able to do it quickly and without a lot of pain because of some help in the financing for it. Both of these things came as we had made some changes in other areas and have been taking care of ourselves and while we are most certainly not flush...it was the GIFT of being able to do the replacements at all the superseded any bitching about them going out. I was and we are just grateful. One time years ago a woman snapped at me during a discussion about gratitude and said "sometimes Bo, when you step in a pile of sh**t, that is all it is, just stepping in it."

I heard what she was saying, but it stuck in my craw, because what i was learning at the time and what I KNOW now is that while yes, when things are going badly, it most certainly is necessary to acknowledge, feel and experience that or what is happening. But no, there is no need to dwell. There is a choice. There is perspective and sense of living that we can apply to everything in which we do not take away what we have to feel. I choose to see the positive, we can feel the perspective, and we can place things in their proper place and size. I know that there was a time in my life when the a/c, the frig and all of that would have thrown me for a loop. But, I was grateful to even have a home to start with, to be able to replace any of it. None of that negates frustration. It just brings to bear what blessings I really do have.

This was harder for me, though as we faced the loss of one of our beloved cats. Valpone has been with us since we adopted he and his sister as babies. We went to the orange county animal protection place when we were still in Chapel Hill. We wanted to adopt two cats as we were told that they did better as pairs and it was more healthy for them. We say this amazing Persian pair and we were instantly drawn to them and want ed to adopt them. Someone had already adopted one, but not the other. So we went on to look for others. We walked into this back room and from a cage on the floor something reached out and took a swipe at my leg. I looked down and there was this wiry black cat looking back at me and in the corner, balled up, was this little black and white kitten. We were smitten with the pair and adopted them. The folks there told us there was a chance the little black and white might be sick, but they were not sure. Well, she was sick alright. In fact, after we took them to the vet, we learned that had the little black cat not gotten my attention and we got his sister to the vet, she would have died. Michael hand fed her every night. We named her Circe. She was enchanting. He circled the bed and guarded her and us. We called him Valpone. From that day and for the last 14 years, he has been our guardian. Until a few weeks ago when Val started to loose weight. Finally, on last Saturday, we had to take him to the hospital. It was severe anemia and cancer. There was nothing that they could do. Michael and I brought him home for one more night and cried and held him...and he told us he was ok to go. There is no doubt in my mind. We let him go....it was the hardest thing I have ever been involved with to date. It was as painful as anything I have ever experienced. Thank God for Michael and for us being there for each other. Thank God for those 14 years. Thank God for the peace that we were able to give him through such a humane process of letting go. Thank God for our home. Thank God that we still have his sister a little longer with us. The pain is still there, but I would not trade a moment with that beloved creature in our lives and the beauty and power he brought each day to our home.

Nothing like going through a ride of emotions and not catching my breath..cause we let go Val on Tuesday, and we were off to Salisbury for me to be ready for the 7am flight out of Charlotte Friday morning! LOL. On top of all this, I really got off my healthy eating. No, I did not eat fast food. I am still good there. But, I did try and go each chicken pastry, pizza, some sweets. Things that I thought would bring comfort. In the end, none of that worked. You would think that I would know better by now...but old habits as they say. I was so grateful to friends, particularly Adam who told me to lighten up and keep walking through. He and Koral showed up with a plant the day after that was so healing and my friend Cyndi sent flowers, and Ashley was texting...it was all very special.

But, what was amazing was that I had very little time to obsess about the cross country flight to San Fran. Did I mention I am terrified to fly? Oh yeah. I did fly to DC with the Honor Flight and that went well, but it was an hour. Here I am about to go 5 and half hours in a plane..and it was supposed to rain. Well, as things go, my friend Johnnie heard me talking about how nervous I was about the flight and since he was on the same flight out, he arranged that we sit next to each other and upgraded me. It was a blessing I still cannot fully express.

As you can see from the begining of this entry, i started it in San Fran, so you know I made it. I want to tell the whole story of the trip now that I am back in North Carolina, and I will, but I am going to journal about it over the next few days. It was...and continues to be, amazing. I am so very grateful....