Day 440: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

ok...this has to slow down..too much good stuff happening and it is going too fast! LOL! ;)
But I am serious in that so much is moving foward and happening and there are moments when I just want time to fall into some thick goo and be held in suspension so that I can savor it a little more. Even the more dramatic things that happen. But, alas things move along as they do...

Friday, I sat in tears, as I oft do. But these are annual tears. Tears moved by students who thrill me, inspire me, remind me of why I love what i do and why I still believe the world is not going down the toilet. I have been honored for about 6 years to be on the Rachel Freeman Award committee. The award goes to a Senior who, through their service and commitment to social justice has demonstrated an outstanding contribution in their time at UNCW. The award is named for this amazing woman, Rachel Freeman who was a quiet storm of work for just those issues, who, while dealing with her own personal disability, NEVER let that impair her service and advocacy. (you can read more about her at http://www.rachel-freeman.com/ ).

But, each year, I listen as these students talk about their hopes, but more importantly what they are doing and have been doing. At 21-22 years old they are engaged with their fellows, the world around them, and in touch with true service in ways that most adults never fully understand in a lifetime. Friday did not let me down this year as I heard responses to questions that were rich with servant leadership and purposed with an understanding that it is that service that counts...not much else.  What a blessing to just sit there and be in that presence...and with all that I encounter with the political and economic machinations that interfere with our ability to just serve each other...here it was...delivered, lived, and set to live in the future by this/these students. Not bad, right?

I left work and went off to rehearsal..yep, you heard me....rehearse. Last year as this journey was in full swing, Kristi got me involved in a fundraiser for the Carousel Center...an amazing place for Abused and Neglected Children in our region. The event is amazing because it gets community members together to perform in lip sync numbers in different acts. What was really amazing for me was that I was able to dance and do the show in jeans. It was huge for me because I had not worn jeans in years and we had decided to do a cowboy thing. I was petrified because I was not sure if I was going to be able to find jeans that would fit...it was then that I realized that I could get the size I needed from a regular store, not a big man's store. Oh, they were tight all right, but I could button them and breathe in them! It was amazing. It was the first item of clothing that I bought in a regular store in years and it was amazing.

Well, this year I won't be wearing jeans..in fact...well, let's just say it is gonna be very interesting and thank God I am doing this with Peter, Joy, Ashley, Adam, Michelle and Amanda, because it is going to be "something" for sure! :) LOL! If you wanna come...oh, I would for sure. (Carousel Center Gala)

So, today I got up and went straight to WHQR, our public radio statio and had a ball on air raising money for this amazing station. After I left I was discouraged because the clouds looked threatening there was something I wanted to do VERY badly! See, on Friday before rehearsal I went to West Marine and got a kayak! Now, this may not sound like much of a big deal, but for me, it was the fulfillment of a dream! See, a few years ago when I first got the bug to get one we went to the great outdoor provision company to look at them. I have never been more embarrassed than when the guy took down the biggest one that he had and I could not even come close to fitting into it. It was humiliating.  I so wanted to get out on water..to tour, to see the amazing coast that we have..to explore...but there was no way that was going to happen.

Well, with the kayak bought, I just could not wait..clouds be damned. I loaded it in the car and headed to wrightsville. I had NO CLUE what I was doing or where I was going. I just used my instincts on where to go. At every turn my questions got answered. The area where there is a boat launch says that you have to have a trailer, but there were spots under the bridge and I nervously parked there, not sure if you would get towed or not..but there were no signs. As I was getting out, a guy was coming in from being out on his board and he told me that it was where he parked everytime and it was ok. 1st quesiton answered. So, I unloaded the boat, got on my life jacket, got my phone in the "dry case" that my friend arch had given me (and I thought i would never use! LOL), and headed to the muddy shore.

As I laid the boat down a man was paddling to shore in a thin sleek boat. As he pulled up I told him that this was my first time ever doing this. He said he had been doing it everyday for thirty years and went on to tell me what I needed to know to start off my journey, how to handle the boat and some great advice. Now, if you don't think I was not struck at how very cool that was and how very "on time" that was....well, we will have to be introduced! What an amazing thing to happen!

As I thanked him, I got in the boat and pushed off....heaven..it felt exactly like I thought it would..so beautiful....serene....awesome. I paddled against the current out thinking it would make for more ease coming back. I used what Mr. Williams (that was the name of the man I met on the way who was kayaking himself) told me about going straight into any wake and paddled out for about 45 minutes and then I saw an opening in some grass out in the channel. With the birds flying around me, I went in the grass and took this video: (here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsVzdZb9XmY)





So, I get a little emotional...but I am grateful! So very grateful.....

 Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success!

Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | 02 Fitness Mayfaire | Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietician | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Denistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Day 437: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

so, we started with a giant ball and me leaning against it and running up and down the wall trying to sit down into a squat...then we moved to me hovering my tail above a box and with two legs pushing back and staying on my heals until I was able to squat....then, after I was able to do that (having remastered the ability, basically to sit down), the box was removed, and I was sitting back on my heels, rear end out, back straight and doing squats on my own with no net....then...when I was able to keep that form, I was given weights to hold in each hand...then the weights got heavier...and then just when I thought that I was the king of the world of the ol' squattys...I was put on the bozo ball and told to balance on two feet, hold the weights, do the squats and do the weights over my head with a curl as well...but WAIT!...then, after I got that down, I was told that maybe two feet are just too easy....lets try ONE LEGGED squats...oh yeah...that's the ticket...so now..I am doing one legged squats..trying desperately not to PLOP down on the box when I lower myself down and making sure not to put my foot down when i got back up! But I am doing them! and again...just when I thought i was the dealio...I was introduced to the SMITH...yeah...a medieval torture device in which you put a weight bar behind your neck on your shoulders with you hands on the bar. With you feet in front of you, pointed forward and spread apart, you twist off the safety latch and with the weighted bar resting on your back, you squat...oh yeah! So, squat lifts! We did 25 lbs on each side to start and then i went up to 35lbs on each side...it was quite the work out....

So, why the whole paragragh on this? Well, first, I like a little drama...but seriously, I love the way that Adam has lead me through the steps to gradually increase my strength and stability in order to get me to a point where I can do more and grow. I, for the first time in my life, physically am doing things at a rate and pace where I am not hurting myself and I am achieving and doing things that I have only dreamed of.

It is ironic because the way in which this is happening for me is exactly the way in which I know to be the best way to change and grow mentally and spiritually. It always comes back to the three fold for me: being a physcial, mental and spiritual person. by doing things graudually, I am able to get results that last and that are sustainable, but more importantly have the best possible outcomes for my health and wellness! You would think I would have gotten that...but I am just grateful I am getting it now! :)

Anyway..so far this has been a busy but good week! Last night Kiki from the Heart Ball committee did an amazing job hosting an event at Zoe's kitchen for the Heart Association as a fundraiser! I loved it and she was great with Alyssa Gubberman. Zoe's donating 10% of the evening and that was real blessing.

Today, Michael and I did the loop together after work. It was just good time together...to be together, to destress...what a gift!

So many blessings!

Thanks be to God!

Day 434: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

What a week and I decided to end it on a bit of a bang! Got up Friday Morning and went in for training with Adam! We did arms and it was good. However, during our work out he said that he thought that maybe it would be good if I got in a run on weight training days. Of course I went into "omg..he thinks I am slipping and i look like sh--"...LOL! It is amazing how fast my mind goes there still! but luckily I said it outloud and he was quick to say "hell no!" He just thought that it would be good for burning calories on those days and it would be something i would like too! ;)

Well, as it happened, i just got in the mail a new tool, toy, whatever you want to call it and I asked him about it. Turns out it was a good thing and I can use it on days when I don't want to get out in the weather or just as a convenient work out at home. It also has some serious cardio results as well! 
Check out my vlog from Friday:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ca0Ktqe9BZQ





Saturday I did something that I have not done in a very long time! I literally stayed in bed all day! In fact I ordered in Indian and while that turned out to be a problem (stomach wise), the staying in bed  and really and truly taking a day off turned out to be a wonderful thing!

Today, however, I had to catch up on some rest from the stomach issue, but when up and out, Michael and I went to take a Spring walk in Airlie Gardens! It was perfect!




that is just a short snippet of the walk...it was lovely! It helped me come back to life a little and get more grounded in many ways to start off the week! I guess, in all honesty, it was just needed. I forget somedays how hard I go at it. taking the time to chill...well, it is a blessing!

This week it is exploring getting a kayak...oh yeah! I am soooo looking forward to this! More than I can say! :) 

Looking forward to the week ahead!
thanks be to God!

Day 431: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I have learned something new today...you cannot force a blog post! Yep..if it is not in the fingers from teh mind and heart..then it is just not there. I tried to write a post this am before work and it was just not there and I found myself writing stuff and not what this was intended to be...an account of this journey..paying it forward. I am not a teacher, preacher, or instructor. I am giving, as they say in another program "my personal experience, strength, and hope" and while I can add the things I am passionate about in that and pepper my posts with the "experts" and things that I find along the way from "purveyors" of good things, this is not about me writing formal texts about health and wellness. This is just my experience. Whew...that felt good and it is...because it is an amazing freakin' journey filled with the most amazing things that happen on a daily basis. What happened this morning when I was trying to write something that felt so very dry and formal felt very detached and very foreign..that is no fun and not a part of what makes this special. Nothing that has come my way to improve my own health or to change my life or to help me grow as a man, a person, a spiritual being has come from anything "detached" or "foriengn". It has all come through the expereince of others..through things, people, places and events that have a connection to something much greater than myself that help to teach me. I want to facilitate that..and I want to feel that faciliatation when I blog...So there! :) LOL!

I had pretty good run at it this morning..but my legs felt like led! Wednesdays are now my leg workout, so by the time I get to the run on Thursday morning it is tightness and and not as much fun..but I did pretty well and Adam and I  ran together. I have learned to walk in between and stretch if it is too tight and that helped a lot. But I kept my pace at 5.1 miles an hour for the run and 3.6 when I walked and got in a full 30 minutes. with over 2.5 miles! Again, just the act of showing up and getting it done feels so good! 
Michael and I had folks over last night just to watch a movie. I am sticking to my goals of having that time in our/my life with people we love..our family. I had lost that connection when my health got so bad..when I was not running from thing to thing, I shut down to often..and It was so hard to have anyone over...even for a movie. It is amazing to see how much I had given up at that time now..and not really even realized it. Gratitude...major gratitude!

Well..I am off..looking foward to this glorious day!
Blessings to all! Thanks be!

Day 429: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Today has been up and down..but what  beautiful day! the time change is playing with my mind, so I did not go in  this am for cardio and have been having a hard time getting to sleep..oh well..still feeling good though.

Had a huge workout at the office cuase we put in new carpet and had to move everything back to where it was supposed to be! That was so much fun..actually, without sarcasm it actually was because we got a lot cleaned and got rid of a bunch of stuff. Sometimes a little "spring cleaning" is just what the doctor ordered. Of course with visitations from perspective students and other things still going on it made it a little chaotic..but oh well! :)

The very cool thing today was the end of the day when I got to attend the launch of the 10 Percent Campaign Launch at UNCW. In short,  this is challenging you and me and businesses  to spend 10 percent of our existing food dollars to support North Carolina food producers, businesses and communities.

I was invited by my dear friend and hero, Dr. Leslie Hossfeld that i worked with to found the WHA/UNCW Campus with, to speak at this launch and set the challenge.

Here is the text of my talk:
"The first place that I got a "tater tot", processed cheese food, and sugar filled pop ups was in elementary school. I don't remember seeing a fresh vegetable in school ever and I do remember there being a discussion back in those days about whether ketchup was a vegetable.

In contrast, have wonderful memories of of every summer my grandmother and most, if not all of my relatives in the area "putting up" green beans, black eyed peas, corn and other fresh vegetables fresh from the field. I can remember those pressure cookers used for canning threatening to blow us all up from the canning that was going on. But what amazing vegatables in those days and it did not matter if you lived in the city or in the country, it seemed everyone had them and everyone had some access to them.

Somewhere we lost our way as North Carolinians...as a people tied to our farming with a reverence for the work of farming and the bounty of a harvest that not only sustained our people in a living, but made us strong, health, and productive people.
I know that I lost my way and that what were "treats" in school...that wonderful engineered combination of fat and salt, that was created just to increase the desirability and my want and need for it by the manufacturers of processed foods (those foods processed from God knows what: became the food(s) that I grabbed in a hurry, the foods that I filled myself with and ultimately the foods that almost killed me.

Fortunately, I had an intervention that would take too long to go into here (but you can read about it at bowilmington.blogspot.com! :) ). But I have been on a jounry for a while and I have becuase of that intervention with folks from the American Heart Assoicaiton and my best friend and trainer, Adam Freeman, and my family, lost now 111 pounds! But more importantly I have GAINED health!

Along the way I rediscovered lessons that my people form southeastern North Carolina have known for centuries: that if it is grown from the land we love, then it is love that we are growing with in our selves!

See, I love food, but life got so busy and so stressed that I was grabbing whatever I could get. I was filling the empty space, the stress, whatever, and not feeding my hunger or giving my body wat it needed to be healthy! I thought that those foods took too much time, to much care, and that they did not have the taste or the desirability.

I was wrong.


I have rediscovered homegrown veggies and products. I shop at Tidal Creek, Pine Valley Market, the downtown farmer's market, Lewis Farms, just to name a few and I look where an item is grown or from to try and support those in the area that are helping to support mine and other's health and wellness.

Today, I am so proud of our UNCW Campus Catering to signing on to this campaign. They are great stewards of the health of all of us on campus, and this is just another indication of the great work they are doing!

The campaign is challenging all of us to buy local! Support the nobility of our argricultural roots. But it cries our for much more: for us to love ourselves enough to give ourselves and those we love what we need to be healthy!

I send a challenge out to the schools to make sure that a child never has the experience that I have seeing those processed foods. That they see on their plates nutrient rich, vibrant colors of fresh fruits and vegetables from their own community and they understand the connection to that food and the proud hertitage that produced it!

I send out a challenge to markets and restaurants..because here is the deal with me: If you want my business, you will have to show that you care about this community enough to buy into this campaign. and this means that you care enough about this area that I care about my own health wellness. If you do, not only will you get my business, you will have one of the greatest advocates you can ask for in me because if nothing else, I will talk about those folks I love and like..and if you are doing this, rest assured, I will talk about you and this ALOT! "


So, that was my "talk". I was really humbled to be there at all! Dan Gerlach of the Golden Leaf Foundation was there as were the members of the Southeastern Food Systems Board, local producers, farmers, the head of the extension office, Al Hight, and my friend Wayne Long who is about to launch a new grocery store that features nothing but local produce and items, our Mayor, and our County Commission Chairman....What a stellar group that are all about the best for food, health and wellness for all!

It was such a great celebration of the change in my life and hope, so much hope for their to be differences made in the lives of so many others..at least more opportunity! It was very exciting!

I celebrated with a 5k around campus afterwards and my favorite chick, tomato, spinach and parmesean bake for dinner for us! Ohhhh...life it good!

Thanks be to God!


the ten percent campaign:
http://www.ncsu.edu/project/nc10percent/index.php

Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success! Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | American Heart Association | 02 Fitness Mayfaire | Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietician | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Denistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Day 427: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

We ran away on Friday...I needed some time away from town and some time alone, together..just to breathe. I am so glad that we went to Chapel Hill.
Chapel Hill is my "hometown"..it is where i grew up and where I messed, and where I healed and became a man. It holds for me a lot of joy and a lot of pain, but it always is a healing place for me. The latter we very true this weekend.

Last weeked was wonderful, but the week....the week just was intense. Personalities, issues with some I love, and stress. I worked out and showed up for training..Adam and I did well working out...but I was really pushing it this week. I was on edge about alot. A great deal of the things I care about somehow seemed to be on edge right now and in the face of some of the things I care about the most, I was faced with inaction by those I serve with...or at least that is how it appears.

One thing you learn about me is that I have a low tolerance for sitting on boards just to say you are on a board..and I don't much care for passive omission when one is the in the position to speak up. As reverend Cher so eloquently quoted Dr. King...I will paraphrase this it is not what we say that we will be held account for, but we did not say. When we could have spoken and chose not to...particularly when it is about those who do not have a voice by those who are in a position to give them voice.


What effect did that and the other things that were going on have?....well, what is a blessing beyond description is that it did not have the effect of my not eating well, exercising, praying and trying to find a way to get my frustration out...and so, we took the opporunity just to go for a night..go and just be.

We hit the road and it took the full two hours of talking and walking through some issues for me to get into a space of letting go..but as we were driving we decided to find a place to stay. Michael went on line and there was a new place that he found called "aLoft" and we decided to try it. We have had pretty good luck being adventurous and thought..why not.

By the time I hit Hwy 54 and what is left of some of the landmarks that line the entrance to my hometown, I felt my breathing becoming easier..a sense of letting the world loose from my shoulders. I remember as a child as we went back and forth down that road on the weekend trips to see my grandparents or my dad, the cows that stood in the tiers of the hills that now are part of an entire subdivision called Meadowmount. But for me, all I could see was that wonderful farm and those cows..and that very happy place. It did not take long to realize that the hotel was at the foot of the hill, and right across the street from our first apartment in Chapel Hill from 1971 and right around the corner from my elementary school. But this place was certainly not the University Motor Motel or the Stuckeys that used to be there...not, this place looked like a smart, European hotel...it looked fun.
We got into the room and the view..the view was of the hill..and I could see in my mind where I spent many of my teenage years...Gimghoul Castle....It was so awesome! I just lay back on the bed and looked out at the beautiful sky and the hill and it was like walking back in time! What a great feeling!

We wanted to get out and explore and a friend of ours had recently sent a notice about a show she was currating. I wanted so badly to see it. We went in search of it. To my great joy it was being held in what was the public library when I was a kid. Turns out that since I was little this building had been turned into several different things..but now, it was housing this show. When I read the description of what the show was...I just loved the perfection of leaving to come here on needing what I needed.

Here I am coming here to "heal" with my home..my history..and elin is doing a show about local histories in a place that was for me magical as a child! I was able to show Michael where the children's section was in the library and where I got my first library card at 8 or 9 years old. I would walk to this place and spend hours in this library. Here i was, with michael, sharing this wonderful show all these years later in a place that housed for me some of the happiest memories of my childhood. It is hard to describe. I just wish I could have done an installation..something with bert and ernie and shel silverstein and what this place opened up for me.

We left the show and I wanted to show Michael the street that I grew up running up and down on.

Sorry the pic is crooked...but it sparkles and that is all that matters. On this street, time has stood still for almost 40 years. The trees look the same as does the neighborhood. It was a magical place to grow up. and walking there helped me remember how fortunate I was to have that as a place to be a child.
We enjoyed our walk and then spent the rest of the afternoon and evening just doing what we wanted.
On Saturday we went to the NC Museum of Art and then came home.

What was nice to come home was that no matter how nice it was just to go away...when I walked in the house, it felt so good. Where we were was a place to get away..and in my memories, a nice place to visit with good things to remind me of the blessings in my life, but through the door when we arrived, it was a new and fresh feeling of "home"....so powerful that feeling. Such a blessing all around.

Once we got home, I have had the privilege this weekend of just being there when I was needed by someone I am very proud of and someone who I admire for walking through adversity acting in a manner that shows maturity and heart. It is always a privilege to be a friend. That is something I do not take for granted. It has made the weekend an amazing journey....

I look forward to tomorrow, if I am granted that. But I am so very grateful for today.
Thanks be to God!

Day 422: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

what a weekend! I love being alive and this weekend was no exception...but was in fact the rule about being so glad that I am showing up!

Friday was the first "date" night that we have had in a while. It was sooo wonderful! I think back in January when I talked about my goals I said that I wanted to really do more regarding "playing" or having some fun and really enjoying this life. I think in the months since we have done some of that, but there is still room for improvement. But lately there has been so much going on and so much that has been happening in the world..it is absolutely necessary. Health does not hapen for me just by exercise and diets..it is about my spirit..my soul..and play and doing things that are just exploratory or having time together or with friends..that is Health!

So, we got ourselves together and headed to the North Side of town for an Art opening for a really good friend, Virginia Wrigth Frierson. We went to my FAVORITE THAI restaurant in town for a treat...BIG THAI on north fourth..the best curry anywhere..just a luscious spice and best flavors...and so satisfying...That is so nice to have something that warms the soul!

 Before we got to the opening, after dinner,  I saw that much work had been done on the Brooklyn Arts center, a project that has been embattled for years due to funding issues and neglect..but somehow..it is moving forward..and this grand old church.this magnificent structure that was literally falling to ruin was seeing new life and a new prosperity. I told Micahel that I had to go over and take pictures of it..and he obliged my ever tangential need to go "see" something new and shiny!! :)  Oh, how wonderful the cleaned brick and the repaired windows look..the new hope for the uses fo this building and was I glad that I was in the moment, because the developer just happened to be there and invited us in to to see the work in progress and allowed us to go all over and see what was happening in inside and gave us a private tour! How amazing!
(by the way..for those of you getting this through "reader" or email, I have found you have to go to http://bowilmington.blogspot.com/ to see the pics and videos. sorry for this..but the pics are pretty good!)

We left there and really enjoyed the showing my Ginny. What range. I can get lost in her work and all that she does. She was showing so many of the layers that compose who she is as an artist..and it was an honor just to be there. Two pieces really moved me. One was this wall of Canvas that was covered in her writing about her experiences. I think it was called, "write it down and let it go". It was beautiful to see her share the experience of creation and her emotional and spiritual process and then let it be "left:" or "let go" there.

The other was. i beleive, called "confinement. It was rich and filled with emotion...and kept me in its path several times during out time there.

and then there were so many more:

Anyway..it was an amzing night!

Saturday was a day of family..blood and extended...Again..health is about the soul and the soul is about love and connection. We had been asked by someone I truly love to come over and talk to a teen who was being bullied in his school. He and his mother came to visit. First, the friend who invited this youth had never met them before but opened his home to them, no questions asked. God, I love he and his partner. What a heart. Secondly..just connecting with this young man, sharing our own stories and offering hope..God was in us, in that place..and hope..hope..hope...Great start to the day.

We left there and went and spent time with my Mom and Stepdad and had a great time shopping, sharing and playing! Everywhere we went we saw people we knew and connected. It was awesome!

Then I left there and went and spoke at the Alpha Phi Red Dress Silent Auction. This was the first time this sorortiy had done this event. But they had shown up and volunteered at every event for the Heart Association and have been incredible. They asked me to speak and share my experience and it was such and honor! They did an incredible job and they raised over 9,000.00$ unbelievable! What an awesome event and group!

what was even doubly nice was being able to invite Debbie Daniels and hang with her for a short while at the event and introduce her to the women of Alpha Phi. She connected with so many there and was awesome as always! What a presence and a truely awesome person!

Adam, as usual, offered his services at the event as a donation and there was such a great response! 

Not to continue to making this a litany of the weekend, I left this event and had another heart warming event on Sat. evening with one of the first students I ever had at UNCW who is now married and a Doctor! I was such a proud yenta! LOL! We, michael and I, are so lucky to have some very special 'family' that we we have coming back in our life and sharing their lives with us still and this dinner wr was no exception. 

Sunday, it was a day of connecting and reaching out with a dear friend and someone I admire so much who came here to speak at UNCW for us! 

All in all in it was an amazing weekend to say the least...and now...it is already tuesday...two days have passed in this week...an incredible week already! :) 

And there is big news for someone I am so proud of..but that will have to come in the next post! lol! 

thanks be to God!

Day 419: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

So let's get this straight..one legged squats and walking lunges hurt! Ok..maybe hurt is a stretch..but I am sore as hell!..the upside to the soreness is that I did one legged squats and walking lunges! :)...something I have watched others do with nothing short of awe and a little.."really? your doing what?" in my mind.

But on Wed Adam pulled out the poodle box (that thing they make you jump and down on) and said, "stand on one leg and lower yourself down and then stand back up back on one leg". Now..I know better after all this time than to say "no" or to tell him what he can do with that kind of direction..but I can assure that my first thought was not "gee willakers..sure..that sounds SWELL!" lol!..but I went to it..and low and behold..daggone if I did not do them! Not gracefully mind you..but I did them! How about that for progress!
I was not able to do a SQUAT at all on the ground a year ago....hell, remember when he had to used the cirque de se bo ball against the wall so that I could slide down and do a squat!..now I am doing them one-legged for the Lord's sake! Soreness is fine..I have no complaints!

Of course, one would think that having accomplished something that was so amazing, I would spend the rest of the session basking in the admiration and glow of my friend and trainer's approval and be sent on to do nothing by sit in the sauna..but no...I was told to grab the 20 pounders and then we were going to do walking lunges. Again...having seen others do this, i just did not think it was "for me". Wrong again keemosambee! :)One foot out..and back leg down to the floor, trying to not let my knee hit the floor (although, not very successful at that)..keep the front knee over my foot..and repeat and walk...Oh what joy! What absolute joy! (I hope my typing allows for sarcasm to come through!) I will tell you that if my backside is not hard as a brick after doing these for a while, I will NEVER do them again! LOL! However, I will say that they definitley have an effect, regardless of the soreness later and I can see why we are doing them. (yes, once again, he is right...Lord, I just LOOVE saying that! LOL!)

This week has flown by and the weekend is jammed packed! I have the priviledge of being asked to speak at the Alpha Phi Red Dress Silent Auction on Saturday Afternoon at 2! It is going to be great! These women are amazing and they volunteer at the Heart Walk at the Heart Ball every year! The AHA is their national Philanthropy and there is nothing they will not do to educated and be involed in preventing, treating and educating about heart disease!

Here is info on their event:
This Spring, the Eta Xi Chapter of Alpha Phi will host the Annual Red Dress Silent Auction. The purpose of this silent auction is to raise money benefiting the Alpha Phi Foundation, with a focus on women's cardiac care. For more information on our Foundation please visit foundation.alphaphi.com


Hors d'oeuvres will be provided. Dress Casual
Warwick Ballroom UNCW

601 S. College Road
Wilmington, NC 28403

2:00 pm
Tickets are $20, or $10 for students.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please feel free to contact our Director of Philanthropy, Angharad Davies, at afd4491@uncw.edu, or our VP of Marketing, Megan Sullivan, at mbs4796@uncw.edu
A few of the items being auctioned include...
• A 1974 Harley Davidson Motorcycle
• 2 month membership and 2 free personal training sessions to O2 Fitness
• 3 month membership and 2 free personal training sessions to Gold’s Gym
• Gift certificates to numerous Wilmington Restaurants
• Passes to the Wilmington Battleship
• Gift certificates to numerous salons in the Wilmington area
• Tickets to: Wilmington Sharks, Carolina Panthers, Charlotte Bobcats, New York Yankees, the UNCW Spring Show (B.O.B.)
• $400 credit to the Little Switzerland Inn, in Little Switzerland NC
• A week at an Oceanfront beach house in Myrtle Beach
• A week at a house on Beaver Island on Lake Winnipesaukee
• A gift basket from Carolina County Store
• Gift certificate to Tara Grinna
• Free tanning to Tropical Tans and Solar Hair Salon
• Items from West Marine
• Different items of Art and Photography from local artists
• 2 free training sessions with Adam Freeman, master trainer at O2 Fitness
• 4 tickets to the Bobcats v Knicks game
• 2 Brazilian blowouts
• And SO much more!


I don't think I have really talk about this, but i have been made the "community chair" for the Cape Fear Heart Association (former logistics Chair). My role is to recruit teams for the heart walk and to go out and talk about heart disease, AHA and share my story. So, this is a way to pay forward all the blessings i have been given and hopefully make an impact. I will, as you can imagine, go anywhere and do whatever i am asked to get folks involved...

Well, Tonight is date night and some fun and I am really looking forward to tomorrow!
Thanks be!

(repost with finish) Day 416: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

(sorry, I hit "publish" rather than "save" and it sent....if you are getting this twice, I apologize..but wanted to finish it). 

Tonight I was sworn in again for a second term on the Wilmington Housing Authority as a commissioner. It was a little surreal that is has been 5 years. It is appropriate, however, that I write about this here because the journey that I have been on in the housing authority has been so tied to the journey of my health and wellness and all the changes that have come to me.

Remember, my friend and mentor Windell Daniels that I have written about died, literally in front of me of a massive heart attack the night I became chairman of the Housing Authority..during one of the most tumultuous times the authority has ever faced. But is was his death that brought me into a new life in many ways..it led to my involvement with the Heart Association, the information that I needed, then Ashley then Kristi then to Adam..God..my higher power in, in all of it working through all of these experiences..and here I am..no coincidences, a path that was straight and narrow but felt so much at times like it had no direction, was uphill or was always winding and never had a clear way..but it always was.

Yep, the night in November, 5 years ago (I was filling an term), when I took the oath of office, I knew that I wanted so badly to serve on the housing authority. I had seen "projects" on tv and been dismayed by the conditions. I had heard of the need in the community to get meetings with this "HUD" agency and none were to be found. I was told of what was perceived as corruption and government waste and all sorts of tales by many in the community and read about it as well.  My Mayor, who was trusting in appointing me, loved his city and wanted things to be righted and said so when he made the appointment. I wanted to understand more. I wanted to see this work and work for the better. I can't say I was naive..but what I have learned and seen these last five years has awakened me and allow me to mature in ways that I have never expected and overall am grateful for.

What saddens me more than anything still is the stigma of public housing among so many and lack of and or desire to care or know our residents and families. the ease at which this vital function in making housing affordable for our working men and women and families is referred to with disdain as "entitlements" and looked on as a burden when we drop with ease money on bombs and excesses that don't even come close to the money we spend to help those help themselves with housing. But more than ANYTHING that saddens me are the folks who don't mess around with the simplicity of the mission "to provide safe, affordable, sanitary housing"....c'mon folks..let's not mess that up. it is basic and as a country, as a people, we can do that without all the drama right?

It never ceases to amaze me to be amongst "christians" who will so readily cast judgment of folks...and so readily cast them aside. Or hear the assumptions that are made so quickly and who look on public housing and housing assistance with such disdain. But if nothing else, this experience has taught me to stick to the mission, stick to what my gut is saying and stick to what I truly believe and not worry about what others might think and pray, pray, pray, pray! Ignorance, while become more of a powerful force in our country these days, will not win the day if it cannot win ALL OF OUR ATTENTION. To deny ignorance and bigotry an audience is to give understanding and acceptance an opportunity.  What matters in the end is the needs of those in need and the proper use of funding to see that happens equitable and fairly. I have learned alot and make mistakes...but it is worth every minute.

Frankly I had to come to that "worth every minute". There have been moments..even days when I just wanted to walk away..so angry and disgusted that I just could not imagine another moment. But I digress a little....in this experience..it did become more important than ever to become more focused on "mission" and less concerned about the detractors and those who so jealously would deny this housing opportunity for others.

Wasting time on that is stressful..wasting time on folks with motives who are not about mission is stressful, wasting time on anything that is not about getting the job done for those in need..well that is stress and in my life..stress can equal bad health and it did there for a while..to a point where my weight and my life went spiralling out of control. I had to remember that if was going to be of any use to anybody...I had to get back to loving me..and then could love others.  This also made me want to do more...be healthy enough to do more...interestingly enough....

When some of the darkness of the hard times in this service started to clear and some of the good that this Agency can make happen began to emerge under new leadership, you could see the good that can be effected for so many. Wanting to see that..well that is inspiring. Wanting to be healthy and be a healthy part of that..well, that is inspring. 

The YouthBuild Program, the Family Self Sufficiency Program, the UNCW/WHA Community Campus which I helped to establish, the once decimated communities that are now being refurbished, the new homes being constructed, our families being able to gain housing with assistance throughout the city..even with cuts in some of the funding...the partnerships being formed...the grants and the funding coming in..the staff...God...what an amazing mission driven staff...all of it...so much...so much that can make the difference in so many lives in such dark times....so, whatever machinations are out there or in there for those who "don't get it"..whatever ignorance is abounding for those who deny those in need and the realities of our socio economic conditions, for all the negative forces, the good pushes out and expands and grows...and is powerful.

Don't get me wrong..i am still going to speak my mind and heart. I am still going to fight for what i believe is right..but what is such victory here is that this is a healthier place.


I am so grateful for this life and thank God for it everyday!

Day 415: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

 Got going early this morning....it felt good to have actually had a Sunday off and a "day of rest" that helped me to get started for the week. I am finding more and more as I get older that i have to have at least one day each week to "be off"..and whether that means to just have time to watch TV, or go to the beach, or sit and contemplate..I need that time to regenerate.


This morning was downright warm. It was Spring all over the place in terms of the weather. 2 Swans have taken up homesteading in the retention pond outside of the Gym and they were just having and early morning swim as I headed off for my run. It felt great. What felt even better was feeling my body underneath my run feeling..well..for lack of a better word "toned". Now, don't get me wrong..there is work to do...but there was this solid feeling as I ran and it felt really good and I felt "strong"...I am begining to enjoy that feeling. 


Adam was in his usual good mood to being our work out and we got busy on back, chest and arms. Again, I was feeling "strong"..in fact, sometimes I have to do a double take at what I am able to work with on the weights! It is even better when i don't have to adjust down the weight when Adam gets off the machine! That does not happen all that often (lol)..but when it does, it is amazing. Little by little, this 44 year old is progressing...It just makes me want to do more. 


Michael went with me this morning and that was awesome! It is like a family going in there now. From my long time friend David to the my new friends who moved here David and Brian..and all in between, it is just a great feeling to go in and be connected. 


We worked out well and off to work.  My office was unbearable in terms of the lack of air condition. We have had this problem for over a year and it has made us sick at times and we have struggled with it for a while. This morning it actually made me angry because all the pleading, asking, and struggling with it has gone on deaf ears...we are suffering, the students are suffering and we hear "it will be wednesday" as if that helps today or that makes it better somehow. 
I posted how i felt on my wall and some very dear friends got me out of the anger by reminding me how much worse it would be if this had been over a year ago and I was still at 348! I probably would have passed out for sure! It did not change the situation, but I was grateful to be reminded of something to be thankful for during that time and move me out of that feeling of helplessness and anger! I still am. 


I went to my commissioner's meeting this evening and I am ready for bed now. It has been a good day and I am thankful!




Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success! Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | American Heart Association | 02 Fitness Mayfaire | Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietician | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Denistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Day 414: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I started this blog on Wednesday, but it has been quite a week, so I am combining:

It is amazing how feeling...connecting...and sharing is so healing and is absolutely essential to stay the course for health and wellness. I know I am a broken record..but I need a daily reminder that I am a physical, mental,and spiritual being and if one or all of those pieces of me is stressed or distressed, how I respond or treat that can make the difference in how or even if I can recover,heal, or move through a difficult period. This week, with the loss of a dear friend my spirit was most certainly hurt. The sadness and the loss was huge. While I am still mourning..what had made my heart lighter is how I responded to this. I drove to Raleigh on Tuesday.

I was absent minded to say the least for a few days. I was lost in a mix of missing Julian and mourning his death and really being confronted with how life can change very suddenly one day at a time. Some of what I was feeling was fear..fear that if this could happen to him, it could happen to anyone..and ego centrically focused on it happening to me.

But fear or "fact (not in) evidence appearing real", is a state that needs to be walked through...and felt in my experience or it can be deadly, or at the least unhealthy. For so long I did with fear what i did with so many other emotions..I did something to appease it..comfort it...stuff it. Eat, buy, do whatever it took to try and satiate the fear. Over the years prayer has been a great help. But the greatest of all means to deal with fear with me was what transpired.

Tuesday, I met up with some of my oldest friends before the visitation and we had a chance to just sit and talk, reminisce and talk about what we where feeling. We all were in shock, but as we sat there, sharing and connecting, joking about time past and good memories, but also addressing some of the real issues and concerns we were all facing, it was like a weight began to lift and I found myself breathing easier. By the time I left the visitation, I was beginning to feel restored. I did not have to do something to myself or stuff myself or be unheatlthy..I could laugh, cry and even get angry and I was safe. My higher power works through me and He works through others. I have known this for a long time. On Tuesday I was embraced by God in so many ways...

When I got back to Wilmington, I did call in the next morning for training and ask if I could skip after such a long day the day before. Adam understood. But by the afternoon after work, I was at the gym and working out..doing what we would have done that morning.

The rest of the week is almost a blur. I was involved in a fundraiser for an agency that I have been a part of for a long time. Between that and trying to stay a float at work, it has been stressful and busy.
But, I have shown up for my health this week. I have shown up for my eating, and I am so grateful! By the weekend, I needed to just take the weekend off. yesterday i shopped for our house, cleaned my car, did laundry..focused on what we needed in our home. I ever got in a 5k and it felt so good to run.There had to be some down time!

Lastly, I am introducing a signature at the bottom for my posts. These are links to all those things I have discovered help keep my healthy or have been local businesses that have been so good in my ability to get what i need to be healthy! They are not paying me or endorsing me, but I want to recommend them. Keeping paying it forward!

 Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success!

Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | 02 Fitness Mayfaire | Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietician | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Denistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Citizens in Action Feb 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22K5ZUhjWiw

here is our video from the New Hanover County Citizen's Academy! Citizen's
In Action!

Day 409: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Just vlogging this evening after spending some time in a rose garden from my past today....

Here is the link if you are getting this by email:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpF38gM1kDc

Day 408: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Some days you just "show up" and frankly..that can be a miracle. Today..I showed up. I am sad. very sad. I am mourning the loss of a very spiritual friend whom I have known for 25 years, who began his spiritual awakening the same month i did, just a few days apart from me 21 years ago. He, unfortunately did not survive his depression and took his life this past week. It is difficult to grasp, the end of a life that so touched so many in such positive and loving ways to a disease that is so baffling. But it is a disease and he has passed form this world, not of his hand, but from it.

So today..I showed up. Here is where my self absorption would have taken me to eating in sadness or hurting myself or just laying about. Funny how that behavoir did not nothing to bring back the loss of someone I loved it had the reverse effect of compouding my feelings of sadness by building on remorse, regret and ultimately anger. Oh..now, don't get me wrong..today and yesterday I wanted to stay in bed and just stay there. Not move. Thoughts of my own issues swirled my mind and I was consumed at moments by the "what ifs". Thank God in heaven that I have learned to "change a thought, move a muscle" and that is exactlty what I did. I also talked about what I was feeling, shared my memories, found some old pictures and we even had a health dinner. The worst of my eating were some pretzels and light ranch and a protien bar. Not bad.

This morning, I woke and went to the gym. Adam was unwell, but guess what? The gym does not close when the trainer is not there! :) LOL! I found an email that he wrote with a routine adn after running..I went to it..and i worked hard. Michael even joined me and was my partner in training this morning. It made it so nice. My spirit was made full in that and it was..as in all things..a way to move through.

I had some plans tonight..and i am ok with changing them. I do need to be quiet. I need to feel a little of this. I have been on teh edge of tears all day and need to get some of it out. Maybe a run and some time alone with me and God..then with Michael....we will see. But, I know this today..by taking care of my health..by showing up...there is a chance..there is a chance that good things will happen, that in this day there is a day well lived, and that my reprieve, my gift of life is just that!

Thanks be to God and to each and every person that is reading this today!

Love,
Bo

Day 406: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

There are no coincidences in my life. The other day CeCe Nunn did an amazing story in the paper about a woman in the area who has lost 200 pounds and will be featured on the show "Heavy" on A&E. I was so moved by the story. First, you all know that Adam is the best in my life and I will always reccomend him as he is one talented trainer and truly a great friend and committed to this community, but in the article, it turned out that Debbie is being trained by Nick Kentrolis. Nick has been training folks in the area since 1985 and has been a supporter of my journey all along regardless of who is training me.

Nick too has been supporting the community and a lot of folks know him as well because he sings the star spangled banner at the heart walk! What a gift to see Debbie being trained by Nick and see her journey and all of it come together in such a great way for her!

Well, I facebooked here and knew from her response that this was a soul that "gets it'. She was as warm and loving in her response as you can be in a message and we made plans to hit the loop in the weeks ahead.

Well, today, I decided I needed a day for Michael and I. This week has just been intense and i needed a day off. It was also an amazing day in weather..and outside of head winds that were tough..it was gorgeous...so after we did a lot together I got on the bike and took off for the beach. It was a great ride!
As I rounded the loop I saw a woman who looked a lot like Debbie and pulled over. When I asked her if it was her and told her who I was it was like long lost friends.

See the video:
(if you are a "follower", click here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogpc_mbmvv4 )

So, it turns out that the episodes with her on them begin to air on Monday nights at 10! There is a get together at 10pm at the Triangle Lounge and all are invited!

I am psyched about her journey and the show because I have tried (and Lord knows Adam has tried to get me to watch the other! LOL)..but I just cannot get into the biggest loser. I just despise the "competition" side of the show....the sending folks home. Obesity changes and getting healthy are/is not a freakin' competition! It is not a "challenge"..it is a commitment to one self...it is a day at a time mental, physical and spiritual change that comes with love and support from others, but most importantly finding love for myself. It just has not room for and cannot include  jealousy and selfishness or desires to surpass or win against each other. This is just my experience and it is nice to see a show that is seeking to follow the progress of folks to succeed unabated by that kind of element.

Debbie is amazing and i cannot wait to continue to see her journey as I continue on mine! I also cannot wait to see her show! What an inspiration!

For more on her story you can see the local stories at WECT and the Starnews:
http://www.wect.com/Global/story.asp?S=14059506

http://www.starnewsonline.com/article/20110218/ARTICLES/110219651/1155?Title=Wilmington-woman-loses-more-than-100-pounds-on-A-E-s-Heavy-

thanks be for Debbie! thanks be for these journeys!

Day 402: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman



The add that is running in Encore Magazine as Thanks!

So, last night was the "Best of Wilmington 2011" from Encore Magazine (click on the ad above to go there..it is a great resource in our commnunity and an awesome pub!).
It was a complete shock when I got the notice two weeks ago that this blog had been voted best blog. What was even better was that it was another way to get the word out to talk about the Heart Association, Adam's amazing Personal training and Heidi's nutrition and maybe reach a whole new group of folks who had never heard about it. That was the deal..that was the way to "pay it forward" for all the gifts I had been given...was to make sure that I made it happen that I got this to as many others as possible and we walked this path togehter! Well, you all made that possible by voting for this blog and making sure that it got noticed and Shea over at Encore made soem pretty sweet deals on the ads so I could pay for something that would spread the word as well! Win win all around!
This journy is a day at at time forever..this is not "lose a hundred pounds and then its over"...this is about health and wellness and finding ways to live that health and wellness. The beginings...yeah..that was really imporatnt because it brougth me to this point..but living this life..that is even better and sharnig that..even more so! How..do we live healthier..know more about being healthier..that is what is to come..and as long as the blog is here..and you can go back to day one..I can keep it green, so speak and others can start on their own pace and see the jouney's beginings and see also where it leads! that is pretty cool too!

But today..today is about saying thank you! Today is just a day of gratitude!
I posted on Ashley's facebook, Adam's, and on Kristi's adn I am going to on Heidi's how very grateful I am for each of them..through them, this miracle has occured becuase they were willing to be..be generous in love and heart...not selfish, jealous or boastful...(remember my post on love yesterday). God, how amazing to have friends like that!! How blessed!

This morning, Adam and I worked out together. Each morning now we work out a differnet set of muscles and I run..yep..I run every morning a mile and a half. It is time that is a blessing, with someone who is blessed, who is my best friend out side my own partner. No matter what devils or ills are snapping at my heels, this is and will always be such a gift...and something I just cannot imagine I can ever repay..but this blog..this blog is my attempt and I pray it blesses...does whatever for others...

Happy happy day all!

Day 400: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"...

Tall order this description of love. I was thinking of this this morning after i worked out and being so grateful to have the love of my life next to me as I was getting ready for work...someone who has put up with me, supported me and been the most amazing partner anyone could have ever hoped for over the course of our almost 15 years of marriage!

But, as I was thinking about this, I was also thinking about the call of the definition into how I treat myself as well as others. Ru Paul always says "if you can't love yourself, how ya gonan love somebody else"..and he is right. But finding that love..finding that sense of worth sometimes is hard. I have been on that journey for a lot of years...and this health recovery..which is really what this journey is..it is NOT weight loss, it is a recovery from bad eating, eating at things, emotions and things not in my contril, not taking time for myself, not treating me well, not not not not not...this journey is about recovering from years of doing things counter to love. Counter to being patient with myself, kind to myself...not being boastful or proud but having a real and true estimation of myself. This recovery is, in short, about finding love for myself...a real a genuine love.

I had an episode Satruday that was a great example. Saturday was the heart ball and it as amazing! I love these events and we were at work all day! About half way through something happened and I got very angry. No one knew it..but I was angry. In the back room there had been pizza ordered for the volunteers and while i had gone and gotten a subway sub, I walked in the back to cool down and when I was in there I saw the pizza. I downed two slices like they were air. I was stuffing my face because I was angry...rather than deal with it the way I would normally through prayer or just getting it out....and it was an old familiar behavior. As soon as I caught myself, I knew and acknowledged it, and no, I did not beat up on myself, but this morning, when I was thinking about "love"..I thought about how many times I had been "emotional" and had eaten at myself..or had done something so "unloving"....rather than find a way to deal with it more healthily.

I love myself more today..and can love myself enough not to hurt myself. The very act of eating right and exercising is an act of love. It represents a true acknowledgement that I am worthy of feeling good and having a quality of life where I can experience the blessings around me, and maybe, just maybe, by treating myself in a healthy manner, I can pass those blessings on. I know..I experience it everyday..that there is so much love that comes from other people that buoys me up..it is overwhelming..truly overwhelming. In fact, saturday night as I flitted about that ball...I felt as good as I have ever felt in my life, not becuase I was looking sharp in my tux! (lol!)..but becasue, after that episode..I recovered..got my head and heart back straight..and for the rest of the evening...I was hugging and connecting with the most amazing freinds..my family of choice in the world...a room full of love...a room full of patience..kindness..not boastful or prideful...a room full of unselfish..generous..giving.. You get the picture...

So, maybe this post seems heavy handed..but it is real for me...I know that the love that I get EVERY SINGLE AMAZING DAY..from a higher power that loved me when I could not love myself..when I have days when I am unloving to myself..who loved me through others..and continues sometimes to love me in spite of myself...that love..your love..is so very powerful...and it makes is so possible for me to love is ways that I never dreamt of...but am so freakin' glad I get to today..and want to more and more and more and more and more!

Happy Valentine's day..and EVERYDAY!

My higher power loves me enough to give me all these blessings in my life...I am just learning still how to be more loving. Exercising and eating right is an act of love...it really is..becacause through it, I am happier, better able to live this life

Day 397: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

So proud of Michael getting up and going with me to the Gym this morning this is becoming a regular for us! It is awesome and he is starting to really enjoy it too!

I started back this morning running before I trained and it felt awesome! It was cold as hell...but it was great and it really did make a difference!

So today was the first day of the "new plan" of action with Adam! It was awesome. We are now working out together! Don't get me wrong..he is still the teacher and I am the student..but he needed to get in some time for working out with all the new clients he has (YEAH!) and this is something we can go with each other!

I was a little worried, to be honest..cause I watch folks "work out together" in the gym and what I see usually is one person standing around while the other one is working out. The other thing I have seen is a lot of talking and socializing in those set ups and not a lot of working. Adam and i talk enough as it is! LOL!
But, as usual, and sticking to the same thing that Adam told me from day one: "don't look at what others are doing!", we did our thing and it was great! In fact, on many of the exercises, we were able to do them in tandem and with the help of the mirrors (which, I am happy to say are more tolerable than they were a year ago!) Adam can still help me with my form and show me what to do. The other part was that I got to compare in a good way my strength to Mr. Yoda -Muscle and I am doing pretty good! Sometimes it is hard for me to actually know that I am getting better cause, while he says I am getting stronger and yes, it feels it, I don't "see it"...and of course it "burns!"..so actually being in tandem with someone that really is strong and fit and seeing that in many cases we are using the same weight with the same reps and he has to exert similar effort, helps me to know I am on the right path.

What takes this, on another level,  to a "whole nother level" is that we are going to do this 5 days a week...not just m/w/f and do concentrated work outs on sets of muscles each morning. Now, I have been exercising m-f as it is, so this  should not be a big deal, but it is a new twist on what we have been doing and of course I get "excited" about changes! :) I have to see that I can do it. But,  like the little engine that could "I think I can...blah blah blah!" LOL!

If you had ever asked me a year and two months ago if I would go to the gym each day I would have said I just can't find the time. But I had time to be out with back issues, sick, time to do all sorts of things that were unhealthy and while it is an effort some days..taking one-freakin hour to go and work out is just not that big of a deal any more...in fact, it is an essential part of my life now.

So much good...thanks be!

Day 396: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

"This I will not give up.....today"

I remember in another self help group there was this discussion about character defects. Now, don't go off the deep end with thinking that someone is bashing themselves when using the term "character defects". We all got em...and Lord knows I do,  and I have had them in droves at some points more than others.

But the discussion was about being willing to take stock of one's good and bad, take responsibility and then to become willing to let them those defects, discovered in an honest and thorough examination, go. Note the term "willing". Nothing was said about removing the defects, just being willing. A higher power was involved in the removing part.

At that time the "deadly sins" where used as examples as a starting point to look at what character defects were..."sloth", "greed" etc. It was a good exercise and as I became more aware of those things that impeded my spiritul, mental, and or physical growth or development, the list or awareness could be added to and I could become willing...

The point of all this? Well, there were times when I faced something I was not sure I was willing to let go of. For instance, I had a wicked sarcasm that I thought was really funny. It was pointed out that that sarcasm could be a mask for anger or real barbs masked as humor and that i might think about becoming willing to let go of it.  I was open to hearing what was said, but at the time I was not willing to let it go". The response was from a dear mentor, "why don't you say that you are not willing to give this up...today..and keep listening...maybe one day, that will change."

Sure enough, I did just that and at somepoint down the road, I did come to realize that I was indeed masking an awful lot of anger and, well, meanness behind sarcasm and that was not who or what I wanted to be and became willing to have that removed. Today, my sarcasm is more in check and part of my daily inventory...but it is something, that by being "willing" to have removed, was.

So, now I am a year into changing my health practices and I have found some real similarities in what i am willing to give up and somethings that I have not been willing to give up...and I realized that I have had to create  a "not today" list. 

See, like the sarcasm, which, when it was pointed out to me might be negative, I knew in my heart they were right, but I was not ready to let go of something that had been part of my protection for a long time. I was not ready to let go a release valve for some not so pleasant stuff in me...but I was willing to listen and take the risk later when I was in a firmer place and I could handle more change.

Well, the same has and is happending as I have changed my eating habits and my working out. At first I was willing to do so much..a dying man grasping for a life preserver. But I was not going to give up soda, I was not going to let go of steak, I was not going to give up potatoes, etc etc. And all of that was just fine at that time, because I ended a 40 year relationship with fast food, I ended eating candy of ANYKIND, I ended eating chips and fatty snacks, I ended eating pizza (and remember we were eating pizza two or three times a month..sometimes a week), I ended eating little debbies, cakes, and cookies, I ended eating hunks of cheese and cheese toast, I ended eating pasta by the buckets with every meal, I stopped using butter everytime I cooked....these are just a few changes in my eating that I made and they were HUGE changes! So..If I held on to diet coke, if my portion sizes were still to large at times, if i had triscuits and sourdough pretzels, if I had some things that were healthier but not on target, it was OK...because I have to make changes so that the changes are sustainable!


But here is the rub...like sarcasm, i know that portion sizes are not good if too large, diet sodas are not good for me, water is somehing I need to do better with, and a whole list of others..and these things are on my "this i will not give up....today list".

I know myself and if I load myself with the expectation that i have to do it "all"....it will become "all or nothing' and you can guess what will happen. That is not going to happen here. There will be no setting myself up for failure by overloading myself. This journey has been successful because in each step of the way I have said I am willing more often that not, but have had the foresight to give myself a break and put somethings in perspective until I am able to handle it.

I guess I marvel at the "cold turkey" folks who can just stop it all, change and it is all ok. That is not me. I have made changes that I am very proud of, but I have to acknowledge those changes and see them for the big deal they are...and truly be grateful for them...and the changes that I know will come, because my head is on straight about wanting to be as healthy as I can be, will come on the day and time that they are supposed to..again because I am willing....

That is a lot of typing and I know get circuitous in my explanations sometimes, but I think I have said it pretty well...at least for me...I am on a journey of progress not perfection (this is not mine and I am so grateful to have been given this one) and today, I am willing....
I pray tomorrow I will be willing to

cause i gotta tell you...what i have seen so far..this life is amazing!
thanks be to God!

Day 395: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I was sick since last thursday and began writing this post on Sunday:

A little better today, but still sick and frankly, sick and tired of not doing anything. I have been in this bed since Thursday night after I got back from the Wilmington 10 remembrance. I wanted so badly to go and meet Reverend Ben Chavis afterward and shake his hand for all that he did and has done, but I just could not. I was, by the end of it, completely zapped of energy and while I was feeling something coming on all week, I was not prepared for what hit.

Oh well..aside from not training on friday, eating stuff while not training (althuoght I am happy to say that while I ate too much of the good stuff, I did not comfort myself with anything inapporiate. Michael got us Pita delite, Zoe's and hibachi take out, and I ate oranges and my main comfort food was black bean brownies. I had some spinach, tomoato and feta pizza from incredible pizza, and was ok with that...but the no exercise really stunk!

what has been great though is that by posting about being sick, I have found some great new things for keeping me healthy! I learned about the
Netipot: It is amazing how this works and while it seemed very uncomfortable to use, it cleared my sinuses and probably helped me not to have more infections like sudafed!

I also learned of a Vitamin company right here in North Carolina that I can order from when I don't get my vitamins from Tidal Creek:
Vitacost is a North Carolina Company and i love to support North Carolina if not Wilmington Companies!
http://www.vitacost.com/

I take the megafood, men over 40 vitamin an it is completely kick and thier price is amazing!

So, being in bed was productive at least for this!

I got back to the gym this morning and was doing pretty well. I was a little frustrated, but I was able to do some arm and chest work with Adam. My push ups were not as good as usual and I knocked out 20 on the floor and about 15 on the second set on the bozo ball..and the third set was about 18 on the floor..the pull up was not as good either...but Adam was very encouraging about being back after being out sick...and my lungs were burning! :) It was just great to be in and feel like I was doing something! LOL!
He and I have come up with a plan to take things to the next level..it is going to get intereesting I think...
Stay tuned! :)