Bo Dean's Blog In Wilmington North Carolina

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Day 641: Greater than through love and support

Seems like my posts are becoming Sunday posts...the Sunday Evening Post by Bo...naah..don't like the ring of it. But I am sitting in Rex and looking out of the fifth floor at the amazing trees and the color from fall. It is pretty spectacular! I miss the trees so much! I had to come through town to get here today and I noticed the welcome sign for Raleigh now says the "city of oaks"(ok...this could have been this way for a long time..but i just noticed it)...I thought we were the capital city..but oh well..I do love the trees!

Anyway...things are ok. Daddy is better and actually he can go home tomorrow. He will get a hospital bed for his house now and they can give him a continuous feed for his feeding tube that will hopefully prevent dehydration and kidney issues that put him in so much pain and caused this trip this weekend. It is pretty miserable, but he has been joking today...and happy about the elections in Raleigh...so I know he is focused on stuff other than his decline. My sister who lives here is very attentive and we have been in communication a lot. It is a great comfort.

I chose not to go to my award this weekend, but I was able to do a little of the tournament. The award meant so much and from a group I revere, for work that, as Scott Whisnant put so aptly at his Albert Schweitzer ceremony, I was getting because I was "lapping up the glory, while so many others shared in the work". But what was so special is that a small group of students from UNCW where able to attend! That, in the end is the most important thing. I needed to be close by and to stay on what is my first priority: my family.

There was no irony lost on the fact that this weekend's tournament was for Kidney disease! If that kind of money had not been raised over the years, I know my Dad would not be here today. It is great work while I was a great deal more emotional at times and kept a little more to myself, it was very meaningful and i felt like I was actually making a difference in a very personal way...and I got here..and everything is ok.

I really do have to watch my exercise and diet though while all this kind of mess is happening. Stress was at a new high Friday afternoon and I was grabbing for sugar. I was able to go running on Thursday, but I was not able to Friday or Saturday. I am really hoping i can get to that tonight when I get back. I just don't feel right without it, and the eating was an issue. I was also not sharing like I normally do and a couple of things happened: one I ate more than ususal (no, not a binge, just more). and two, I found myself angry and taking out my pain on silly stuff. This "wellness" thing is more than just diet and exercise, it is prayer, calling, and FEELING. Michael was amazing with me and let me just do the best I could and I was able to reach out to Ashley, but I was trying so hard to just get through and not upset others with my own stress, I ended up causing more stress for me! So...love this hindsight thing..but at least I see it now..as this process is not over and there is a ways to go..one day at a time , and I don't have to do this to myself unless I just really really want to! ;)

Anyway...I have started my annual thanksgiving list. that will and does help a lot..."get me out of me!"

Sunday, November 06, 2011

an addendum...seeing

Sorry for the second post. I was driving to Fuquay yesterday and I was thinking how much I hate that drive on 40. It has never really been a very happy drive. Too often it has been a drive to hospital visits, funerals, appointments back to my hometown. A few times we have taken off to go back to Chapel Hill or Durham for something special or head off to catch 95 to go up to DC, but mostly 40 is not a happy stretch.

Yesterday was no exception and the further down the road the more I colored in how unattractive the drive was. No real beauty to look at. That damned Floridian who tried to run me down..."those drivers"..and then it hit me. I remembered that i was inside my own head. I was barely cognizent of the road or anything around me. Don't get me wrong, I was paying attention to my driving, but I was not SEEING anything...I was in my head..what I was "going to"..not where I was..and it was miserable, sad, and I was feeling it..living IT, instead of where I was. I remembered a story this very spiritual man once told that I heard at a little episcopal church in Lime Rock, Ct. He said that when he was unwell spiritually, the inside of his mind was a series of mirrors. Everthing reflected back inwards and all he saw was his own self, his own thoughts, his own isolaiton, his own self centerdness, whatever it was that he was thinking...projecting..that was is mind. But, as he began to grow spiritually, each one of those mirrors turned into a beautiful, clear window...and he began to see outward, the world around him, the MOMENTS that he was in...other people, other's points of view, and the only mirrors that were left were there to be used as needed for self reflection and awareness.

That visual..that image that he gave over 20 years ago was so powerful for me. Here I was, riding down 40..and I was trapped by my own mirrors. What I was "seeing" had nothing to do with the moment I was in..it was what I was projecting on my own mirrors..living inside my head.

I opened a window.

Fall had come and I saw color I had not seen. Light was hitting. The clouds broke at time.
I grabbed my camera and I took pictures as I was driving of this color, these clouds, the sun. It was all so beautiful. I was in that moment, not the one ahead and somehow 40 did not seem so bad...no, it was actually very wonderful.

I had a very emotional visit in Fuquay. It is going to be a process..but on the way out...my window as still open and I saw a barn I have seen my whole life..but I "saw" it for the first time. It was backdropped by some forebodding clouds, wrapped and being absorbed by the countryside..a by gone life giving up itself to a new day. What I had just left felt oddly similar....somehow that barn was a comfort and somehow very beautiful...no...dignified.

I am glad I was able to "see"

thanks be!

Day 634: Greater than through love and support

I wish that throughout this week I had tried to capture some of what was going on, but it was just so intense. I knew that I had been offered a new opportunity career wise over a week ago and was asked not to share it as there was another candidate who needed to be informed and they wanted to be able to send something out as well about the new hire.

It was difficult trying to serve notice at UNCW and deal with all the emotional issues that are involved with that and not be able to share it all at the same time. This has been my home for 13.33 years. I have been with my director/mentor/friend/and true inspiration for that length of time...it is no easy thing to leave. But it is, deep in my soul, what I know I need to do. I have enjoyed some of the greatest growth of my life in this job. Funny, I have become more of an adult in this job that in my whole life. The students are....they are the inspiration for a spark in me that will never go away! They are truly our hope and I have literally 1000's whom I will never forget and will ALWAYS be about the business of giving back to! There will always be a way to link what I do now to students, to resource the best for them, to make the best for all. We grow as communities because of the way we educate our youth and help them move to adulthood. That will ALWAYS be a thread in everything I do.

Then on Monday, I was finally able to share the news and what followed was without a doubt one of the most humbling experiences I could have ever had: one after another, the good wishes, the love, the support just flowed. It was amazing...and I mean from EVERYWHERE. I found my self just filled up, overflowing and...well..grateful. Not one person gave me pause. Not one person...not one...was not supportive in their comments. It was...well...you get it.

With all the joblessness in the world, with all the issues of folks who are far more qualified than me not finding positions, I was hesitant to share leaving one job for a new one. But this was and is about a next step more than a job. It is about, as all things are for me, a very cool coming together of some things that just were meant to. and so, I knew it was ok.

I am taking a step that I have not taken ever...and making a change in leaving the university system that I have not made in over 16 years. But what was so great, so extraordinary is that this is coming as yet another outcome, another growth of wellness. I have heard all about those folks who write books on the power of attraction and positive thinking etc. I am sure they are great. What I know to be true just in my own experience is that over these years of recognizing negative thinking and working towards changing the way I think, relying on a power much greater than myself, living one day at a time, understanding more and more the empowerment of powerlessness, and the power of "showing up", I have been a part of some things that I dreamed of and am now doing.

I have no idea what the outcome is going to be and there are HUGE challenges ahead, but there is this a sense of wonder, a sense of excitment, and there is this Challenge..and in all of it, there is something that feeds my soul and makes me feel like I am a part of creating change that makes a difference. Oh GOD! it is so good and I am baffled, bedazzled, and bewildered sometimes as to the wonder of the gift of it all...I just have to "one day at a time" earn these gifts" and make sure to stay grounded and moving in a direciton that stays true. To have the kind of support and love and that feeling of love that was and is overwhelming this week gives me every indication that that is exactly what is going to transpire!

Anyway, there is so much more going on and so much more to write, but I am going to leave now and get off to the beach for a meeting! Sunday Fellowship!
Below is an article I was sent on Fall Foods that I really liked and wanted to share!
Thanks be!

As the foliage starts to turn colors here in North Carolina, we may notice a change in the foods our bodies crave. The desire for an ice popsicle just might be replaced by a yearning for a warm bowl of soup. In Chinese medicine consuming foods that correspond to each season is a way to create harmony and balance in the body. Fruits and vegetables contain the most concentrated nutrients and flavor when they are consumed in season. Autumn is the perfect time to try new produce that is packed with delicious phytochemicals to keep your taste buds and health in shape throughout the entire season!

Whether you enjoy apple picking or perusing through a pumpkin patch, you will fall into health with these tasty picks!

An Apple a Day Keeps the Weight Away

These shiny gems are not just for your teacher anymore! A recent USDA-funded study assigned 160 women from ages 45 to 60 to eat dried apples daily for one year. The results demonstrated a 23% drop in LDL cholesterol and lower levels of C-reactive protein and lipid hydroperoxide. The women dropped an average of three pounds, despite consuming the extra calories from the dried apples. This miracle fruit may be enjoyed raw, dried, or baked, but limit the apple pies if you want the full benefits.

Tasty Tip: Chop a crispy apple into your hot oatmeal and sprinkle with walnuts and your favorite spices for a boost of fiber and heart-healthy omega three fatty acids.

Brussels Sprouts Defend from Cancer and Disease

You may want to rethink feeding Fido your Brussels sprouts under the table! Countless studies link Brussels sprouts to cancer prevention and protection from disease. Chock full of vitamin A, C, E, and powerful antioxidants, it is time to invite these mini cabbages back to your dinner table. Their cardio protective and anti-inflammatory benefits make them a perfect fall side dish. You may also want to try a variety of cabbages for their digestive health benefits. Studies demonstrate that cabbage contains a multitude of nutrients that benefit our stomach and intestinal linings.

Delicious Dish: For a colorful meal, shred red and green cabbage together. Then add some sesame oil, lemon juice, and your favorite spices. Enjoy with baked fish for a wholesome meal packed with phytonutrients and flavor!

Root Your Way to Health

If you love to chomp on bright orange carrot sticks or savor the terrific taste of turnips, you will be happy to take advantage of the root vegetables that are staples of the fall season. Tasty tubers like sweet potatoes, yams, cassava, and taro pack a punch of potassium, fiber, beta-carotene, iron, and folic acid, supporting a healthy immune system. Baking, roasting, or adding these delicious roots to stews is a great way to enjoy these nutrient powerhouses. Make a mélange of roasted beets, turnips, rutabaga, and parsnips for a low-fat side dish that will keep your belly—and taste buds—satisfied.

Chew on This: Beets contain powerful anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties, thanks to betalains, the pigment that gives them their deep red hue. Grate raw beets into your favorite salad or steam and serve them with lemon juice and a drizzle of extra virgin olive oil for a tasty side dish.

The Perfect Pear for an Antioxidant Boost

In season through October, this juicy and sweet fruit comes in a variety of colors and textures. This fragrant fruit is a member of the rose family and is a great source of copper and vitamin C, which can help protect our bodies from free radical damage. To enjoy the full antioxidant benefits of pears, it is best to eat them ripe. How to tell if it is ripe? Check the neck! Gently press your thumb against the neck. If it yields to slight pressure, it should be ready to eat. Pears are also an excellent source of dietary fiber, which has been shown to promote colon and cardiovascular health.

Mouthwatering Meal: Add a chopped pear to a warm bowl of quinoa, sprinkle with toasted sunflower seeds, and drizzle with honey.

Yours in good health,
Robert Kienitz, D.Ac.
Atlantic Acupuncture and Island Wellness Clinics
www.acupuncture-wilmington.com
910-620-3798

Friday, October 28, 2011

Day 625: Greater than through love and support

I had lunch with myself yesterday. No, this is not some, "get in touch with myself and feel good about taking myself out to lunch thing"..it was a lunch with a friend. Someone in need. But as this person shared what was going on, the feelings, experiences, and more importantly, the behaviors, I sat there and saw myself. Not a year and 8 months ago. But today.

Alot has changed for me. Exercise is now a part of my life, something I crave and look forward to. I eat healthier things and I have not had fast food in almost two years. But there is a lot of the person who started this journey who is still there..and I am not talking about all the good in me. I am grateful for whatever that is. I am talking about the food addict. The person that still struggles with snacking and filling myself, time, and emotions with food. The person that does not have that chemical shut down after I eat to just "stop". That person is still me.

I don't talk about that part as much and yesterday as I sat across the table listenting to someone, so courageous, so honest and sincere, sharing the need to make a change, I was able to touch that part of myself as well. What is so wonderful about the journey that I am on, the hindsight I have and the moment I am in, the days I am living, is that I could share, after I heard him, that while that addiction is there, while I still face issues, I have been learning ways to deal with these behaviors. Food is different than other forms of addictions in that you cannot give up food. You have to eat. But, like with addictions to other substances, the obsession can be "lifted" and there can be some peace attained, there can be some things done to live life that make it more managemeable.

I have become more and more aware as I have become more honest, and I have become WILLING to do something about it..most days. :) I have written about that. I know that it takes that willingness. It takes wanting to be healthier. To have wellness as my goal and aim. It does NOT take wanting to look like a model, wanting to be a muscle bound stud..or something unrealistic and superficial. It takes wanting to feel and be better.

I was able to share back that by taking steps to build a community of support (and btw: it does not take what I have done..it could just be one other person), by getting the right professional advise (Heidi, Adam, and my doctors at Wrigthsville Family Practice), by taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME, by learning about trigger foods AND events and people/situations, and by being willing see myself as worthy of change, as worth being healthy, as worth being important, in fact the first priority so that I can do the things I really want to do or in my case believe I am to do, well...my life has been transformed. I also have allowed myself TIME to let this unfold and to continue to let it unfold. It is ever evolving and it is NOT over. It did not happen in a vacuum and it is not happening overnight.

What a wonderful opportunity to share that not only with this person, but back to myself. To be reminded by sharing with another that there not only is hope, but there is and will be real and effective change if this path is followed. It may happen slowly or quickly for some..but it will happen. What is so powerful is that the change is within us. It is in our power.

Each day is a gift. I am grateful to pay this forward..and to keep on moving forward! thanks be!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Day 623: Greater than through love and support

In the course of this life change I have had occassion to be down a couple of times and not able to exercise..but it has been quite a while and in particular it has not happened since running has become an almost daily part of my life.

this past Friday we had an amazing work out and I left knowing i had really done something..but there was no time to rest...I left and worked all day and then had something after work, that next morning and then had recruitment day at UNCW...and then a couple of things after that...by the time I got to Sunday, I felt like crap and just stayed in bed. I probably would have been better off getting up and stretching and doing somethings..but I literally stayed in bed all day and when I got up on Monday morning, my back was a tight as it has ever been in some time. I was having difficulty standing up and sitting down. The tension was scary...so, I had to cancel training and Adam was great..but was adamant about "no exercise". I was ok with that...but it went to tuesday and again this morning.
The good news is that as the day has moved on today, I have felt it loosening up some and I actually walked across and back campus and it was great. So, tonight I just did 15 minutes on the little stepper machine and it actually felt better after and i stretched.

But here is the deal. I have learned how valuable exercising is. I have learned how learning how to exercise right is. I have learned that when I hurt myself or when i am having a hard time, to treat myself well, because I want this more than I can say and I don't want to do anything that will make it worse...so I LISTEN! LOL!..but most importantly I have learned that I also no longer fear allowing an injury or an issue like this getting me so off track that i don't return to do right by myself. Yes, I live one day at time, but there was a time that when I made a change, a break in the new habit would lead me back to the old habit quickly. That was the fear before. I thought that if I stopped for even a day exercising that I would not get back to it. No, this is part of my life and wellness now. It is absolutely necessary and it feels so good to have that as part of what makes me feel so good! Part of this is the piece that comes from within that drives me but the other is the part that comes from the accountability with keeping up with and not shying around from those who love me and being honest about where I am and what is going on with me. It is vital.

there is A LOT more going on right now that I am not able to share just yet...but through it all, I am so glad to have this wellness in my life..it makes ALL the difference..every piece of it!

thanks be!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day 620: Greater than through love and support

Ok...It is 10:04pm and I have literally been out of this bed today a total of about an hour. I have no guilt over this. I honestly needed it today. I have enjoyed watching the Big Bang Theory, Monk, and reruns of Hot in Cleveland and then about 2 o'clock with the window open and the cool air coming in, I drifted off to sleep and slept for most of the day only to wake in the evening!

It has been a LONG time since I have given myself permission just to shut down and really and truly relax like this. It was nice! My lower back is as tight as it has been in some time. So it was also probably good to give it some time off as well. I am really having to take it easy there.

This week has been intense. I am grateful that i was able to say goodbye to someone I loved hours before her passing, be with my dad as he makes another transition in his treatment, and do some things that were pretty amazing..but all of it made for a very intense week. Having time to decompress and to just take care...well, that is essential.

night and here's to a new week! :)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 616: Greater than through love and support

Today I had an amazing experience I had to share, particualry in light of last nights post and feeling some real sadness and loss.

Today, I was video taped for something that will air in November for a recognition I have recieved that was and is very humbling. Michael was here with me and in the course of the hour of the video taping, talking about civil rights, change, and all sorts of things that are very important to me..she stopped and asked me a very serious quesiton: what is "love" to you?

It really took me a back for a moment, but then It just came right to me:
I told her that I cannot answer that without telling a story and I have to share it here..as it was and is story that has changed my life and is so much the foundation of all things that happen for me today.

When I moved to Conneticuit, I got a job on an estate in Sharon Valley. It was in the middle of no where and the house was enormous. I literally lived in this massive place alone, and the owner of the home only came there on certain weekends from the city. My room was on the third floor, and while I could control the lights from downstairs throughout the house, I could not control them from my room, so to get upstairs, I had to shut all the lights out and climb the three sets of stairs in the pitch dark in this old house in Sharon Valley..the wind howling outside..the floors creaking...and mind you at that time..I was DEADLY scared of the dark! I was also scared to be alone..so this was a challenge every night. Until one night.
One night, I came home, and I proceeded to go upstairs. The wind blew, the stairs creaked..and I got to the top landing where my room was..and there I stood...and it hit me: I was not afraid. I was not even anxious. In the pit of my stomach was this "fullness"..that is all I can describe it as and a sense of peace was washing over me that I had not had..ever. It was the most amazing feeling and what was truly wonderful, was that I did not feel alone..at all.

Let me back up..for as long as I could remember, I felt alone. I felt a yearning in me..I felt a sense of fear and a lack of connection. I would see people that had "it"..that seemed to be so in touch with themselves and "something" and I woudl want that so badly..hell, I would want to smack them upside their heads I was so jealous! LOL!..But I just did not knwo how to get "it". I tried filling up that space with so much..religion. food, drink, people, you name it..and it never worked.

Then a friend, the same friend who just gave me the yoga practice told me that if I were to let go..be willing to let go of all my preconvieved notions of what I thought I knew..get on my knees (that was my act of humilty, I think he knew I needed to make) and just be willing to listen..and then give equal time to talking..and be willing to "see what happened", it would. And so I did. I let go of myself, I let go of not letting in somethign greater than myself. I trusted that someone else knew more than myself. I listened. and then, after doing that for a while, here I stood at the top of the stairs and I was FEELING this presence, this comfort, this serernity..this LOVE. A feeling I have not lost since that day...a feeling I get whenever I truly connect with someone or something that is truly real and worthwhile. A feeling I get when I am honest and open and WILLING to let good in..to trust and be trustworthy. that is in itelf..love. That connectedness. That sense or state of being where what I block or what I shut out and become negative with is dissolved by trust, and again, willingness..openness.

Everything good thing that has followed since has come with that feeling, that connection involved..but also with WILLINGNESS involved. I hope I am explaining that part..becuase today as they were filming me, it really hit me that that is what has really transformed me in so many ways..I have not changed me..that has been through so much power of something greater than me and through the love and connection fo those around me..but my part was praying for and becoming willing: willing to let go of bad habits..let go of negativity, look at things different, be open to new ideas and news of ways of seeing and feeling and be willing to be wrong but also being willing to see my principles, stand up for them and myself..being willing to be myself and be!

Imagine if we can reach folks and get them to be willing to feel that connection..be willing to want to love, want to get along..want to..well, you get it..but it is Willingness!

God, what a great day..a great need I had today for this to happen..to feel that feeling, to tell that story...to be reminded of that..LOVE!..and to have that LOVE so real and connected.
THanks be!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 615: Greater than through love and support

I want a maria calender chicken pot pie followed by a pound cake with ice cream and a 1 lb bag of m and m's, washed down with three diet cokes. Yep, that is the mood I am in..and no, this is not a menu I have not had before..many times in the past..but it has been a long time since I have really wanted it.

As I write, I am practicing HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). I am tired...not so much angry, but sad...I am not lonely, but feeling loss and experienced today sitting with someone I love who passed within hours after I left.

I want to fill up a space that is just anxious and not well right now. I am writing this, because it is helping me "think it through"...rather than do something that would do the contrary to my better help. I have to get this off my...not chest, but self. I am saddled with..well, stuff. I can sort through it and see some of it is real and in the present, most is in the future, so does not exist..and then some is supposition about what others may or may not think or do..and frankly, I have no control. So, I have a choice here..damage myself because I am willing to sacrifice the good I do for myself..or FEEL what I am feeling in the reality of what IS happening, put aside what is in the future...and let go of that which I have no control of...simple right? LOL! :)

Well, to some degree it is. But, I need and have help..as such I am grateful for this blog. I am grateful for a dog named Louis that I am walking for a friend while she is away who just is "happy" and wants to kiss me...and reminding of just honest love. I am grateful for the down comforter..and being snuggled up and safe in my home..the sound of the game from Michael's Ipad and knowing how much I am supported. I am grateful to know that none of these things takes away the sad..but makes it ok to get through without having to do something that will harm me. I am grateful to have had time today to say goodbye..and to know that things happen the way they are supposed to. I am grateful to know such special people. And when it all comes down to it, the other things that are swirling around that I feel anxious over, well, they are pretty "high class" issues when I really look at them, because, because of the privilege of being involved, of being able to be active, I am encountering strong personalities....much like my own. So, really, having issues is just part of it..resisting to the point of causing my own self angst..well that is up to me.

So, tonight..I have had three walks with a dog named louis. A sensible dinner with Michael..that I made that did not include 48 grams of fat like Ms. Calendar's pies,...a snack that did not include cake or m & m's much less a pound of either, and while I did have a diet coke, that was the worst of it.

I still marvel that one day at a time..after all this time..I can walk through the moments that are hard and continue to do so in this way....It is remarkable...and I remain grateful for all the love and support that makes my life greater everyday!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Day 613: Greater than through love and support

I ran from the house to the beach and back today...another goal down! :) It was so wonderful in this fall Sunday! I did take a break once i got to the beach and hung out for a meeting to nurture my spirit, and then hauled tail back. It was amazing!

...I, Bo Dean, ran to the beach and back! that is something I never thought I would be saying! I certainly did not think I would be writing about it on the same evening (would have assumed I would be soaking in a tub from aches and pains after such an endeavour)...but I am awake...spending time with Michael..got some housework done today afterwards, actually saw one of my favorite artist's in the world, Elizabeth Darrow showing at the Property Shop this afternoon..and this evening stretched out a little on a new path I have been wanting to do.

I am not bragging..I have taken steps to get here. I have followed the advise I have been given and I have listened and I have shown up...it is like most things that have brought success to my life...oh..I listened..and I showed up. I listened and I showed up. Amazing how that works!

I am ready to do this for some other areas of my life..but for my physical self, I have been wanting to incorporate Yoga into my life for sometime. I just cannot make the time to go to classes and the books don't really make a lot of sense for me. I have watched on facebook the progress of a friend and mentor of mine that I have known for 23 years as he has been down in Mexico going through training to become a practitioner of Yoga. It was so exciting to see him on his journey and to literally see the light that has always been inside him become brighter as he continued to evolve in his educational and spirtual journey.

I asked him if he would help me by designing a routine that I could do each day in addition to my workouts and cardio and without hesitation he sent one to me. I am not able to do all of it yet, but what I was able to do felt so wonderful...I particularly like the rocking back and forth in between each move and pose. There was something very nurturing in it.

Part of doing this is for superficial reasons..I like what i see in those who practice yoga and I want to be as flexible as I possibly can be to continue to grow and be healthy (particularly given my age)..but I want also what I see in those that practice in deepening my connection spiritually and mentally. I need to connect more and to have that time and I know enough of myself to know that just sitting still is not as likely as moving through a routine that embraces some activity with connection. I am so grateful to Karl.

So, today, it was a good day. Time with me, my higher power, sharing both with others, my beloved, and nurturing the things that are truly the most important....a well lived day. Cannot ask for better or for more!

thanks be!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Day 607: Greater than through love and support

I have been in Disney for a few days. More on that later.
The reason I was there was because, once again, I had a special honor to be involved in the wedding of two very special people. This has become something of a regular event for me, but it is not something that has become anything I take for granted. It is, with no hyperbole at all, stunning to be invited to officiate at such an occasion.

For me, it is even more profound because I struggled for so long with relationships and particularly because for so long I was not sure that I would have a relationship, a marriage, a life like the one I have today. Part of what makes my role in all this so special for me and I hope for the couples that I have been involved with is that what I bring to to the table, other than the actual enthusiasm for long lasting joinings of hearts, minds and spirts, is some of that experience, that understanding, and so much of the mistakes, the failures, and the successes that have come along the way that help to inform my own life. No matter what, it is a priviledge.

This week, it was a couple that was genuinely good at heart. I write the script for the ceremony for each couple based on what I experience with the couple themselves. For this couple, I found a passage from the bible from Colossians that was so perfect for them. It was the perfect way to welcome the wedding day. I want to write more about that scripture in minute, but the wedding was very similar to the one that happened over Hurricane Irene. All was planned so well, but the weather was not a willing guest. Like the weekend of Irene, I watched a groom and a bride respond to the moment and find joy and love and celebration no matter what the weather. They had filled their week with laughter, friends and family. Any drama was left at the door, and now it was time to just focus on the love. They embraced each other and gave that love to those around them. So, the wedding did not take place with Cinderella's castle as the backdrop, but it was no less magical, no less wonderful. In fact, in many respects, it was even more wonderful because everyone, gathered in the "back up" place, beautifully dressed was there to see and experience a love that had been forming since these two were teens....and had lasted and transcended more than most marriages these days before their own marriage. Nothing could have been more lovely.

I got to witness again the look in their eyes. This is the third time I have seen "it". That look where you know there is LOVE, with a capital L. I got to see a deep and real sense of desire to do right for each other. I will always be there, if they need to be reminded of that look. that is a precious gift to observe...to witness, to hold for that couple. I am always at their ready to give that back to them if they need it. to be reminded.

But the scripture:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

I chose this for several reasons, but mostly because I saw in this couple so much love, compassion, and true and honest love. I saw them facing a world that was not any of that in so many ways but if they chose to hold fast to one another and use this as a guide, one day at time, they could and would forge such and incredible and strong force for good in the world. I shared this and more with them.

But, I have been thinking more and more today, as I have returned home about this passage. For those who may read this who are not Christians but might read this in a more universal spiritual sense, this still reads as true. It translates easily into "Give a shoulder to each other and be supportive and live with a forgiving heart, and have above all things LOVE. To live a life of gratitude (which is an action filled life of service), a life that is about the business of PEACE, and one that is focused on aims that are higher than our own selves, our own interests, our own self fish needs."

This one passage was a recipe, a prescription spiritual life goals that are a part of what can make my own life the best it can be. And yet, when I returned home, I encountered situations where this simple means to make way for us to live is so difficult. If I go into detail about the "situations" i get into to much of my "public" life. But, I get so tired to folks who complicate the means for us to be able to aid and assist those in need. Those who seek to harm others when they themselves have their own issues. When do we become more forgiving and less finger pointing? When do we focus on what we need to do to be healthy ourselves and stop focusing on the issues of others?

The marriage this weekend was between a wonderful young couple. The scripture was about how to be healthy in that relationship. But what came back to me in a blessing beyond being the witness and being present at the event, was being reminded that this scripture is also about my relationship with the world around me. I cannot hold others accountable to it. I cannot EXPECT others to live this way. But I CAN expect myself to live this way and to work towards this end. I can take the scripture and boil it down further: Support, forgive, Love; Be Grateful, Peaceful, and Self-less. This can be a mantra into action. So that as I continue to face what comes my way, I can not only be supportive, but remember how much I am supported, I can be forgiving and perhaps I will be forgiven, I can love and truly mean it...and perhaps love will happen around me. I can live a life of gratitude and the things that happen around me will not be taken for granted, I can work towards peace in all things and be about making more peace, and work one self lessness where being self fish is not about prioritizing my health and growth.

That is a wonderful benefit of this weekend...to have a work out plan for my soul! :)
thanks be!

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Day 600: Greater than through love and support

My friend Robert Laws posted something on facebook the other day. Robert is an episcopal priest who I give a hard time to because he loves him some roman catholic saints and feasts! :) (I think it's the drama and pageantry of it all!) He is so dead on in the message of poverty and understanding human nature and our real need to source our connections for love, compassion and understanding. In short, he is someone I have connected with who "gets it".

To his post I said "somedays I think the Antichrist is not a person or being, but the creation of misinformation that feeds that part of us that is too lazy to seek truth. I have yet to find out what it is that makes us so willing to accept what we hear, particularly when it is negative. Why we don't inquire, question, want to see good and seek the best in things. We have such a privilege in being alive..having grace..and yet...."

I talk alot about the three fold person that I believe I am: physical, mental, and spiritual. Trying to find some balance and feed the best for those parts that make up all of me is my goal. So, Robert's post really got me thinking of the mental influences that can really effect my spiritual well being.

Part of this is just the news in general..from the local paper to the national level, from the headlines to the "angle" they choose to take on any particular subject, there is a constant barrage of negative. this week over 300 people showed up for an environmental review process for a concrete plant in our region. WECT reported it and they led the story with this brash man (who they did not identify and was clearly NOT an expert) saying loudly to the camera "I was in a room full of idiots". He was among the maybe 10 people in the entire room FOR the plant and instead of stating what the sound reasons where for having the plant, his character assassination of doctors, citizens, environmentalists who appeared in the room (about 300), with facts, sound reasoning, and real data in tow, where reduced on our evening news to being called "idiots". It was heartbreaking to see. But what if I was someone who did not know better. What if that was the only information that I had? What time then does it take for me to research deeper and look for more details.

This story is not an exception to the rule. The more I have gotten involved, the more I have seen how this takes place. How things get "reported". But I cannot completely blame the news for the way people perceive things and what they believe. See, we get this barrage. We get this information and what do we do? We accept it. Or, depending on the source (ie, because, supposedly, MSNBC Is controlled by liberals and fox is controlled by conservatives, we screen all information from these sources accordingly or based on our own political bent) we reject it as biased. So, once the information is in our hands, it is now up to US to do more, and I am afraid most of us don't. What I have been seeing in political campaign after political campaign, and year after year is more information and less critical inquiry. Less depth in looking at what is being presented. It is as if we are just willing to believe things based on a narrowly defined set of pre-determined perimeters and our really looking beneath the surface, looking at things and information critically is not done.

The danger of this on so many levels is what I see influencing my spiritual life and what I see eroding the spiritual life of the world around me. We are more polarized than we have ever been. We are literally fed a script and we are not thinking for ourselves and as a result we suffering. We are dividing amongst each other. We HURT each other as a result. I see the characterizations and the fear, the "us vs. them", the judgments and the quickness to come to opinions about one another.

So, like the goals I have for my health, I have goals for spiritual and mental life. One of the biggest goals is to not accept the superficial. To be critical of the news I hear and to look beyond the headline. To be a part of the solutions and INJECT positive into the discussions but also to be more thorough in my examinations before I speak and speak out. To take time to find out what is going on and not seek beyond the first level of information.

On a much more personal level, I also have to be willing to not become part of someone's else's ugliness about others. When their is criticism and negativity being shared, I have to say NO and be willing to walk away. I think this is the one that takes the most discipline and work and it requires more than just this blog post. But to be healthy, to truly love, there has to be a true sense of support for others. that support has to extend itself to not being a party to listening to the bile of others. Just because I may not trade in gossip or criticism does not mean that I am not living vicariously through another by standing by and listening to them do it. How nice that they are the negative one and I am such a saint by just "listening". Well, that negativity is as poisonous coming out of me as it is going into me.

I want to continue growing, not in blind faith of others (that is not a wise path), but in seeking out the best. That does not mean that I will not encounter negative or be around things or even behavior that is not sound, it just means that I can be about those things that make ME healthier and maybe that will extend itself.

Now, here is the part that really is the kicker. If I am positive about others. If I am clearer about the issues around me. If I am more focused and caring about my relationships, then the aggregate effect on my physical health is abundant. It all works together.

I am rambling..but it is part of my goals...and I am grateful to have the awareness.
thanks be.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Day 595: Greater than through love and support

of the many things I inherited from my Daddy, not wanting to shop is one. I remember when I was growing up there was a men's store in Fuquay called Ashworth's. "Skinny" Ashworth was awesome because no matter how long it had been since he had seen you, he knew your size, what you like and what you needed. You just called Skinny and then went in and picked up your purchases and left. Outside of some chit chat between he and daddy, there was not much time spent in the store. It was heaven!

I have been that way most of my life since. I know what I want..I buy it and I leave. In fact, I have been wearing pretty much the same clothes since I was 10, just different (and in years past VERY different, sizes). But I digress.

What is ironic about the speed of my shopping for clothes or pretty much ANYTHING that I buy is how much I will shop around when I want to find an ANSWER to a question to an issue that does not quite suit my liking.

This came up recently when I was giving someone else a hard time. But as always, when I have one finger pointing out, I got three fingers pointing back.

It got me to think about how long I spent trying to find a root cause to my overall health issues. My denial was so very deep. I literally would be out for days and weeks with my back, and I would go to see a specialist, get pills, and special equipment to treat the back issues. I was having horrid acid reflux and literally I could not swallow and would have to excuse myself from the table to go and throw up to continue eating because of digestive issues, so I went to a digestive specialist to get medicine so I could eat. I had heart issues, so I went and got heart medicine. My clothes did not fit and unfortunately they made the clothes I always had worn in bigger and bigger sizes, so I just shopped around till I found them and just kept buying them in bigger and bigger sizes. My feet even needed wider shoes and for some reason my shins would hurt on walks. But it was the shoes fault and I would shop for better soles..better support. I shopped around constantly and frequenly for every solution to every issue trying to get the answers that I wanted to avoid THE BIG ISSUE:

I was obese. I was unhealthy..and I had to change.

Everything..and I mean EVERYTHING was tied to that one issue. And no matter what I did..no matter what pills (and there where lots of them!)..no matter what therapies I tried, prayers I performed..no matter how sober I stayed, how much I gave to the world around me, no matter how much I loved God and my fellows, as long as I was not loving ME ENOUGH to take care of my health...then the stores, the venues, the outlets, the kiosks that I was laying down my money and time were not going to produce for me one item that would create a sustainable solution or change because what i was shopping for was keeping me from the very thing that could truly fit..that could truly make a difference.

I have learned over the years about this part of my "shopping around for answers". I have learned that taking the straight forward approach and dealing with things I dislike, that seem hard, that seem sometimes insurmountable actually can be easier. But it takes a fearlessness that, well is for me only possible when I truly feel that support and love around me. When I know that when I step out on that precipice that someone, something is there to hold and guide me. I have that faith today..and I have another piece of experience with this new phase of health to share that by stepping out and really zeroing in on THE issue...by not deflecting it any more and trying. really trying to take it head on, one day at a time..well, so much has and is happening I could never have dreamed of!...So,....from here on out..when it comes to my health..I have a clearer picture of what i want...and I am NOT shopping around..I am going for it...and I am leaving with it...and hopefully wearing it to the best of my ability. Thanks be to God!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Day 593: Greater than through love and support

In all these years it has never ceased to amaze me that if I listen to what is coming out of my mouth when I am talking to someone that I am dispensing my "pearls of wisdom" to..inevitably those very words are the ones that I need to be hearing, processing, and living by myself! :) It is kind of wonderful actually!

Tonight I was listening to someone I love very much and I started to lay out all the stressors (good and bad) that I was witness to in this person's life. I was saying how taking stock of all of this was neccessary to really be clear and honest with oneself to be able to be sure to take care and to be good to oneself, but also to be fair about involving others or taking on anything new.

I had to laugh when I got off the phone because I heard that voice inside me (and yes, there are voices...no medication needed! LOL) that said..."you did hear what you just said..right?" I thought about it and then I listed out the stressors (both good and bad) in my life and when I sat there for a minute and realized how much I have allowed to gather on my own plate, well, let's just say the blessings I was facilitating for another was flowing back to me in my own awareness! :)

This comes on the heels of a week in which stress got to maximum levels. We had the dedication of the honors college where I have worked for 11 years and along the way there were some personal issues with people that i love that came up, and I was trying to keep up with appointments and meetings as well. It was just too much. Period.

The thing that exacerbated it all was that I was having some real issues with my own self image this week as well. I was looking in the mirror and seeing this fat man. I have talked about not being able to see my weight loss before, but this week was really bad and I was having some real issues. I have really fallen in love with running, but I know not to push myself too hard because I do not want to injure myself to hurt my chances of being able to exercise regularly. Well, on one evening this week, after literally working and being in meetings and class all day, for a 14 hour day, I still went for a run. I conned myself into thinking this was "stress relief". But what it really was was absolute fear of being fat and concern over what i saw in the mirror.

Ok...so this is a problem...but one that I am actually glad happened, because it is something that by seeing it, I am learning from it and am on the other side of it. I got so stressed this week that my ability to feel healthy was out of reach so my abiltity to see myself as healthy was out of reach. My own mind let me see me in ways that were just not accurate.

A real gift, though, came to me as one of my students was taking pictures at the dedication and he took a picture of me that was profound. I got home Friday night and I downloaded the photos and I saw this photo and for a minute it was hard to see "me". But then, I realized, the pretty thin guy standing there (in profile no less), was actually me. I was not posing, not tucked in, not styled for the camera. Dylan had just caught me in the moment. It was like seeing myself for the first time..and there was no "fat man" in that picture. There was the "me" that I wanted to be. It is my profile picture right now. I can't really explain it, but it was not a narcissistic moment, it was a real moment of "seeing".

The next day, I went to the Rape Crisis Event "walk a mile in her shoes". I was renewed, but still tired. I put on the heels and set out with the crowd. I was walking with this couple who had shirts on from another gym and they were asking me about my journey, having heard about me from another. I told them about it and it was as if my week was in their minds. They asked me if I had any more weight I wanted to loose and I said maybe about 10 to 15. the husband started asking me if I could "see" my weight loss? I laughed and said as a matter of fact I was just having that issue with stress this week. He said he and his wife had had the same issues and to watch out becoming obsessed with it as being able to "see" yourself and be healthy is as important and "feeling" healthy and balanced. We had a wonderful talk that only reinforced what I had seen and experienced in the week and I just marveled that this conversation with these two strangers (as I am walking the streets in high heels no less!) came to me. God I love how it works!

I don't know if I will ever truly "see" me without seeing some issues. But I do know that stress inhibits my vision on many levels, that a lot of my stress I CREATE, that I am in control of a great deal of what I choose to do, and that my choices, given these last 22 years can be more often than not, very positive. As I grow, I want my choices to be more of those that build on those that create the best in what I can be and do. I can choose to be a lot of things: spiritual, loving, sober, loyal, married, charitable, forgiving, open, honest, forthright, openminded, on time, responsible, accountable, and as I have seen in this last year and a half, I can choose to be healthy in body, athletic, energetic, and motivated... and I can choose to see myself in a positive and affirming light...right sized, and loving. I can also choose to work on those things that inhibit my choices, my vision, and my growth.

For today..I am just so grateful for the awareness.....and a picture taken by a student who had no idea they were taking a picture that would make such a difference for me.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Day 590: Greater than through love and support

Is it thursday? really? Lord have mercy it just goes so fast! LOL!
This week has been amazing and VERY busy! but I was running the other night and I remembered something that came up in my mind when Adam first approached the subject of runnning I swore I was going to tell on myself and write it down.

So, in the late eighties, I was watching "Designing Women" and Julia Sugarbakker took up running with some of her friends. She got very competitive as was her propensity in most matters and the "moral" of the story was that her competitive nature was hurting more than her "moral" standing as "running" was, as they said, bad for her and bad in general for knees and ankles. Ok..so, I let that story..that friggin sit com get into my head and for two decades..almost three went around talking about running being bad for you because of what JULIA SUGARBAKKER HAD TO SAY ABOUT IT ON DESIGNING WOMEN!...no, I am not lying..I am telling the truth.

Why am I telling you this? Well, it is another way that misinformation got into my mind and ultimately kept me from something that could not only help me but has shown me a great peace, a great freedom..a great joy! Hell, it shows me that not doing my homework, not looking into what was right for me and what works for me can really have a deleterious effect on my health..and for a long time!

I remember that when Adam started talking to me about running, I immediately came up with "but my knees...my ankles..running is not good for me"..and I remember him saying..."where did you hear that"...and I have to admit that at first I just did not know..but when I figured it out...I was just to embarrassed to say. So, when I was running the other night..when I was feeling how amazing it was to RUN and to feel that freedom..and I remembered good ole Julia Suggarbaker running back into her big ole southern living room...I had to laugh. But laugh realizing that I cannot allow, ever, anecdotal information to inform me on my own health. Not to mention that no matter how much I now WANT to be healthier, I am still dealing with an old habit that is in my thinking still....see there was that person back in the last eighties listening to Julia Suggarbaker that was looking for a reason NOT to exercise. NOT to run when my friends where running. There was that part of me that was looking for an answer that would satiate my own desires to NOT have to do things that would make me change behaviors or do things for myself. See, that is the part of my mind that can and does justify all sorts of things that can hurt me...and no, that is not what I want and I have to recommit to each and everyday.

So, just for today, I have to let Julia Suggarbaker be a remnant of my tv past and turn to my friend Adam for expert advise....but moreover...turn now to my own experience of running and feeling that freedom and realize that doing what is right for me takes understanding how to do it..and how to do it for me...and then doing it...that is what has transformed my life...and tonight I am so grateful for it!

1st Day of this Journey!