Day 544: Greater than through love and support

I am sitting at Papa Austin's desk (my great grandaddy), and the thunder outside is, well, it is kind of wonderful. I moved this desk back in the house because, well, it is one of the most special pieces from a very special place, from a special person...and I just wanted to keep it.

Last year when we made the big changes in the house (the outer surroundings changing as I changed...etc)...I/we decided to sell some of our family things and some of the pieces that were handed down. About a month ago I was finally able, after years of trying, to get a leather chair for Michael. I closed it up in his office and when he came home surprised him with it. But what hit ME when I opened the door was this intense smell of good leather. In a flash, I was in the summer, back in Fuquay. My mother's mother, Grandmother Lois,  would always pry me away from the overly air conditioned, darkened den (she kept the curtains closed all day so her sister from across the street could not see what she was doing...particularly if she was still in her nightgown during the day!), her giant TV (she had CABLE..and that was a BIG deal then!) and send me off to see her father and mother. I would go, reluctantly...but when i got there..I was always glad that I did!  I would enter in the back by the den of Papa's and Mama's. Papa's big swivel leather chair in the corner where he always sat was the focus of the room and the smell of that leather and his pipe smoke was as aromatic as any scent I have ever encountered.  The desk that I am sitting at was in between he and Mama, and I sat across the room in a goose neck rocker and got to listen to stories from both of them (well into their 90's), until I was 13 years old. Think about it...Papa and Mama were born 20 years after the civil war...the stories that they told and the things they had seen...it was amazing.

Having this in the bedroom to write on, to use...well...it is a connection to a part of me that is...simply comforting. We have a rule that nothing comes in the house unless it has a use and a place. This desk is my gratitude desk. I will write my blog here and thank you notes. That will be the use of it and given from whom it came, how it was used by them, and what it means to me, that only seems right. If fact, I knocked my first note off right before I started this blog tonight. It just feels good.

This has been a very intense weekend of gratitude. On Friday, I vlogged:




the jist being that I am at the point in my working out and living well that it is dangerous. So many HUGE changes have happened. They are smaller now. The "pink cloud" and the euphoria of a lot of the success has begun to dissipate and now it about not only maintenance but moving forward with living healthily one day at a time always. No one is doing to do it for me...and it means that i have continue to reach IN to me and show up! and reach OUT to those who love and support me and not allow myself to get out this wonderful path!

Certainly Saturday was an amazing wake up call that I have a lot still to enjoy if I keep at it! I got up and went to volunteer at a mile timed race that Without limits coaching was hosting with Go Time and while there two friend encouraged me to run. I did and ran my first mile under 10 minutes ever! In fact, I ran the mile in 9:26! It was freakin' amazing. Just to make sure it was not a fluke, I got on my bike today and after doing the loop around UNCW, I went to the track and ran it...it was almost the exact same time! :)...It felt AMAZING!

The biggest part of the weekend though was our anniversary. We have combined our Holy Union Anniversary, our "first meeting" anniversary" with this date since it was the date that we were legally married in Massachusetts. We are on 15 years. For me..well, that is more than a miracle. I said to one of the runners on Saturday that "I was loved at 220..then 350..and still now...it never seemed to make a difference..tell me I am not the luckiest man walking the face of the earth." I can assure you that I know how blessed I am in this relationship. In fact, it is part of this desk's history. Mama and Papa were together for 75 years before Moma died. Nothing perfect in them....but I know they "got it" when it came to being grateful...We take it to the next level of not just making a life together..but also..LIVING a life together. I truly cannot imagine any other life....

Adam Freeman Personal Training  | Cape Fear Heart Walk! GIVE TODAY! | Crest Fitness | Custom Fit Meals| Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietitian | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Dentistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |o2 Fitness| Active.Com| Without Limits Coaching | Go Time| Cape Fear River Watch| New Hanover County Arboretum| Coastal Land Trust| Masonboro.org| Hook, Line and Paddle| Wilmington Road Runners | Cape Fear Cyclists

Day 540: Greater Than Through Love and Support

I am updating my blog posts if you have not noticed and I am hoping that it comes through ok. The title comes through with the day (as this journey is ONE DAY AT A TIME) and the entire journey itself was dubbed Greater THAN (instead of  the original title that was see LESS of Bo) through love and support (because only through the love and support of others and a higher power, whom I chose to call God, do we/I succeed at meeting my goals and making the changes that I want to make in my life in the way that I have! 

Then, at the bottom of each post now, I have the links to the people, places and things that have effected me in a way that have created this health and wellness. Clearly Adam is going to always be first on that list. Always! But these links are here for you to research to see if these resources are something that you might want to access as well..and as I learn, I will add to the list. They certainly have worked for me.  I recieve no endorsements from them. I just love them and they have changed my life utilizing them.

Anyway...I am back at it this week at work and getting back into my routine. I gotta say that they runnnig is getting WAY better and the trail around UNCW is getting so amazing!! If I leave out house and enter the woods at the end of Randall Parkway and go by the challenege course, I can pick up the Shell Trail that is parralells rose avenue right there. It snakes through the woods in that area and is SOOOO beautful! It goes over a bridge and then enters into UNCW at the back of campus and does straight up past Graham Hewett and the the path that I laid my feet on FIRST when they laid the asphalt by the Fields runs up by the track. They have finished the gravel from there to the front of campus adn right now it is like running on the national mall! I like that feel. I am not sure if they are going to black top that..but it is nice the way it is. I run across the front of camps and then back down randall to the house! I think it is a little over 4 miles..and it is awesome! I am actually loving this more than the loop! :) and it is right out our back door!

This morning Adam put me through my paces and took it up a notch on a new machine clearly designed by the devil himself. It is a stair machine....perpetual stairs. I can imagine a hell where you are condemed to walk this for eternity! :) but it busted my tail and we had to literally mop up after me. The deal is that the ellipticals are just not getting me there..so he had to take me to that next level..and this did and then some! I will be soaking in a tub this evening! but with gratitude! LOL!

Anyhoo...off to work..break is over!

Love to all!

Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success!

Adam Freeman Personal Training  | Cape Fear Heart Walk! GIVE TODAY! | Crest Fitness | Custom Fit Meals| Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietitian | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Dentistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |o2 Fitness| Active.Com| Without Limits Coaching | Go Time| Cape Fear River Watch| New Hanover County Arboretum| Coastal Land Trust| Masonboro.org| Hook, Line and Paddle| Wilmington Road Runners | Cape Fear Cyclists

Day 537: Greater than through love and support

it feels like the night before the first day of school. God did I hate that. the end of summer. the end of vacation...but that is what it feels like tonight. I don't have new pencils, a new lunch box, and a new bag with my initials on it...but maybe, having had some time off, I have a little more patience...a little more peace about me than when I left work two weeks ago.

This vacation has not been as long as the summer's of my youth...but in many ways it had some of the same joys. When I was young, we would not go far...usually to Myrtle beach for a week or two. I would spend time playing in the fields near my grandparents, enjoying time with my cousin, exploring the world around us, getting sunburnt and trying to cross from daddy's to grandmother's house without getting a foot full of sandspurs. We went to my favorite Uncle's house at night and played rook for hours. Then shot bottle rockets. We belonged to a private pool in town and were too young to notice the "lack of diversity" there..but we had so much fun in that pool. they would grease up a watermelon and throw it in and the winner was the one to get it to the side. (ok..so we were not brilliant..but at least it was not a greased pig!). We ate watermelon like it was air and corn on the cobb eating contests where pretty regular and I spent hours and hours watching my cousin and others play at the little league fields..sneaking away to go to see my other grandmother during the games. We ate blueberries off Mrs. Mewbern's bushes and that got us through the afternoon and the Kinton's scupernon grapes were just overload for us....but were gooood!  All around us farms churned out work and people kept going to off to whatever they did, but we were free and having "summer".

Well, for two weeks now, I have had "summer". No daily office to go to. Just time to do some of those things that I love. I have avoided sandspurs on the northend and walked out and watched the sunset. Kayaked to new places discovering the almost empty beaches along masonboro and the most amazing wildlife ever. We tandem kayaked..and had a blast and along that journey explored parts of banks channel i would never have seen otherwise. We roasted corn and I ate it with the fervor I did when I was little...or at least younger..and although Watermelon will never taste like it did off the back of Grandaddy's cub tractor right after we had pulled them from the field, I have enjoyed it just the same...and remembered him. I have shared time with friends, gone to dinner, had a laugh at the comedy club downtown, done things that just filled my soul. I have even done some volunteer things and activities that feed me...oh..and i got to spend so much time on the shell trail...so much time....so much good energy burnt up there. such a blessed place....like the pitcher plants and venus fly traps at alderman we got to enjoy and the lecture..the history we witnessed with mr. rehder...wow....


I have had time to digest...or at least try to all the changes that are going on. Friends who are being uprooted in their jobs, loss, grieving, pain....there is a lot of loss and emotion around me. With those I care deeply for. I know I cannot change it for them, but I also needed to recharge my own batteries so that I can be the friend I want to be. That has been important in this and it has been so healing. Hell, I know it sounds simple, but I cleaned out my/our closet. That alone was cathartic and made me feel a little lighter. freeing me to be available to what life has to offer next.

there were some things I did not do....but will not dwell there. It has been perfect as is...and i think, as i have been learning over the years that tomorrow, when I go back to work, it does not have to be the "first day of school". Summer is not over. It is just a transition back to a routine that not only sustains me and us, but also allows for all of this to happen....for these blessings to exist and be possible.

So, while i will don my work clothes..there is still a kayaking adventure in my future this week, corn on the cob, watermelon, a connection, peace....there still is all of it....and for that, I am truly, truly grateful.
thanks be!

 Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success!

Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | Crest Fitness | Custom Fit Meals| Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietitian | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Dentistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Day 534: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I was dialing for dollars yesterday for an organization that I care a great deal for and  went to get a private email for someone from their facebook and on their profile was this:

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

It was a quote that I needed to read so badly. Not only was it the most appropriate thing I could read for the organization I was writing folks about to donate to (Wilmington interfaith hospitality network, as the agency works to provide housing and shelter to homeless families and work to bring about resources to help the families back to self sufficiency), but I needed it because I have been feeling scared...maybe that is not the word...sad? concerned? I am not sure what it is, but I know that what I have been feeling has been a sense of my overall optimism and belief in the goodness of folks being absorbed by so much around me.

As the news continues to get worse for the economy, I look to see those around me rally...like we do after a hurricane. Ya know what I mean? After a hurricane it is amazing to watch folks from every walk of life coming out to help each other: clearing debris, cooking food, providing for each other. It is like the crisis tears away the divide between us and creates opportunity to truly be about the business of our spiritual selves..giving and being givers. We are transformed by the event and no one is unworthy of help or assistance. We are all "in this together".

Yet, our country is facing and has been for some time a crisis of financial issues, wars, and deep constructed cultural divideds and I have never seen such division and selfishness in my life. One cent on our tax rate could have saved scholarships for those in need of an education and yet that was too much. Our congress plays a cat and mouse game with our senior's social security and our neediest citizen's medicare and somehow that is a legitimate discussion? Mental health and other health issues take a beating while our elected officials have the best health care in the country. Early childhood development and women's health are slashed. While we have folks who still have two cars, a home, have so much who rage against parks, wellness, and the common good and go to church on Sunday and somehow make it fit.

It seems that the harder it gets the worse it is getting for people who are so afraid to share what they have ("that is socialism!!"..well, no it is not, it actually reflects what I understand more in line with my spiritual life)..or to give a little of what they have to help others is somehow enabling folks who are "taking advantage" or who just "need a job".  And if the Government is the issue of where they are concerned about giving to...why aren't charities seeing great increases in giving? It is gut wrenching to watch, particularly being involved in groups that are working with those who are struggling.

Where is that spirit of "we are all in this together?" Instead we circulate emails that regale tales of abusers of food stamps, go viral on folks who use government assistance inappropriately...and there is such a sense of superiority in the comments that are attached from the senders or on facebook etc. (because none of us EVER cheat or take advantage and THEY are the real problem. THEY are the rule...etc etc etc)

I have been a commissioner for the housing authority for 5 years. I have been involved for a long time in groups who aid folks that are of the greatest need. I have seen the worst and the best of those in "the system", and I know it is far from perfect. Abuse of the privilege of assistance is revolting. But what is more revolting is a system that is set up that does not encourage success or change. A system that defunds opportunity, that at one time gave a "way out" for those who were able, but no longer does and ironically has no limits on the length of time to receive assistance. And yet what do we do? What do our elected officials do?  What are we doing to make a difference? What are we doing to add to the discussion to create change?

What I am seeing for the most part is this "all or nothing" discussion.  No reform of the issues at hand, just cut it off..eliminate...slash and burn...and so the truly deserving, the truly in need, those who are of greatest concern go without and those who abuse the system...well, they have won the day...and those who "have".....well, they get to keep what they "have" and get to feel superior as well.

I am hear to tell you, having had the experience that I have had, that there is REAL NEED. I have witnessed what can happen and I am witnessing it everyday when WE take the time to INVEST in each other and to CARE about each other and reinforce SUCCESS. WIHN, Habitat, UNCW/WHA Campus, YouthBuild, CFCC Foundation are just a few of the mechanisms that are at play that I have seen change lives and help folks move from assistance to self sufficiency. But these groups struggle for lack of funds and funding and support. It is inconceivable sometimes.

That is where that scripture came so powerfully at me: "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

I know that THE work happens through US...In those programs and agencies I just named, I have seen it...but it is fragile and not the DAY. It is not the common. the Common Good. THE Work  is not worked by some magical hand coming down to earth and clicking a finger or blinking an eye and making it happen...it requires US. For NO HARM, rather HOPE, and A FUTURE to happen, it requires US.

What has bothered me lately is to see folks who harm either overtly or by denial of the problem. Those who see what is and choose to look the other way or see what is and act in accordance with what will only serve their own selfish ends. They limit hope for so many and create a future for ALL of us that is divided and engulfed without that spirit of giving..without that spirit of "all for one"...without a sense of who we CAN be. 

I believe with every fiber of me that there is perfection in a plan that is handed to us to "prosper" each one of us...but it requires each one of us. It requires that WE do something. That We care about each other. That WE give. That WE understand. For me, from here on out...I will be asking "what have I done today to proper hope and the future.

 Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success!

Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | Crest Fitness | Custom Fit Meals| Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietitian | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Dentistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Day 531: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

My favorite movie of ALL time is "hunt for red october"...I have watched that movie...oh, about 1000 times.  There is a line in it in which the captain recalls that when cortez traveled to the new world and landed, he burnt his ships. Thus, the sailors where highly motivated to explore the new lands. I thought about that line a lot last night I was finishing something i have been doing off and on for a while now: I got rid of ALL of the big and tall clothes in my closet.

Up until now I have gone through and gotten rid of some shirts. Selling them on E-bay and using the money for charity. I even mailed them with information about the American Heart Association and my journey hoping that perhaps the next recipient of the items might be inspired. But I have held on to a TON of stuff. No more. Last night, after hours of pulling and proding, it is all in bags, ready to leave the house.

But holding on to them is not an option..see, I am not going back. None of this "fat clothes" bs...this is a lifestyle change and I have made it. I am "burning the ship" of my 3x, 4x shirts, my 48-54 inch waist pants, my 3x rugby shirts (ok..that one hurt..I have a collection of these and I LOVE them...but not enough to go back..but damn....LOL!) Holding on to any of these clothes says that it is ok to not do what I am doing for myself today for my health. It is not. Moving forward and staying the course....exploring more of this unchartered world of health and wellness, that is where it is at!...ok..enough with the analogy...but it is good...and there is a certain freedom in "letting go".

It is shameful how much clothing there is. I did this thing when I got larger in buying clothes..and lots of them that were like the quality clothing that I had always worn. See, somehow if I could keep up the appearance that I was wearing the same clothes as I had always worn, then, well, it was not that bad. Never mind that I could only either shop online or in the big and tall sections of stores.

Every once and a while I would go into one of those "regular stores"..the amber-expressed-navy-buckle places and I would feel like the sales people would just stare at me like.."really?...can we help you find your way out?" I felt like a total perv in those places. Typically I would look at hats and accessories and slink out trying not to be noticed. However, this weekend, Michael and I where in the mall and he wanted to go into Express. The salesperson asked ME if there was something I wanted....now, mind you, I am about 20 years too old for those clothes..but he nonetheless asked ME if I wanted to try on something..he thought I could FIT into those clothes...and the cool thing is...If I was really have a mid-life crisis and wanted to dress inappropriately young...I could have fit in those clothes! It was AWESOME! I felt completely free and it was nice!

Another blessing along the way of many blessings...
Now, what to do with all these clothes..I guess have a sale and figure out how to convert the cash to the Heart Association!
Thanks be!

Day 530: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

ok..I am swear i am not being lazy..but i am VLOGGING today becuase I am still on vacation. I also really want to share the amazing new section of the cross city trail with folks...it is a piece that runs along rose avenue and it is AMAZING! so peaceful, serene..a place to get lost in the middle of the city! What a blessing!

here is the link if you are getting this by email or on a reader



we are enjoying out staycation so very much and have so much to reccomend! It was one of the smarter things we have done! :)

Day 525: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I let my posts slip away for a week. An intense week. July fourth was awesome in so many ways. I had the first, literally the first experience where I went to a party at someone's home and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I don't want to offend anyone who might read this and who might have had me over..what I mean by this is...it was the first time in years I was truly comfortable in my own skin....It was an indoor outdoor party...there was food by middle of the island catering (good old fashioned country food), a mixture of people, a steel drum band..and just people I love. But unlike other events where I worried that my clothe did not fit right, or i did not look good sitting down, or I was so conscious of my weight...I literally sat in this party and just enjoyed everyone's company...never got over heated..ate just a little, but enough to be satisfied, and just enjoyed the evening. No one would suspect, I would imagine, that I was that uncomfortable in social scenes for so long. I am always, or at least I told, seen as the someone who is so "out there" and social. But I spent years loathing going places..because I was so self conscious. Don't get me wrong, I ain't over all that! LOL! but, sitting in Livian's, it was just nice...and that was...a relief..I could breathe..enjoy..not feel so pressured..and really enjoy connecting and being with people. What a pleasure.

But after that evening, I am afraid there were some things that happened that made for some intense time. No need to detail it as it was more involved in those I care about than anyting to do with me....but what is so important for me, what is so amazing and so needed for me to write about is how, when I reach out in what appears to be the darkest moments, when what appears to be the worst of circumstances, someone, something is always there. It may not be in the form or in the way I want it. It may not come in the desired manner in which I prefer, but I am reminded in every episode of concern and need in my life, that no matter what, no matter the dire feel of a moment, I am not alone, we are not alone, if we allow that love, support and help to come in through and from others... I have said to a couple of people this week how much they mean to me. How much having people I can trust and how much their love means. It is more precious than anything else in this world and I NEVER take it for granted.

If nothing else, it goes back to the name that donnie gave this who journey "greater through love and support". By connecting with and to one another, we can and do overcome and get through anything and everything...and this week, it felt like, it was going to be a non-stop need. We sometimes have to watch as others feel pain, and the most courageous and helpful thing we can do is just be there for there...because I cannot fix it. At work two people I love dearly lost their positions after literally serving the university for decades..another 147 positions were cut. It was hard, harder than I can remember to say "but for the grace of God..". A dear friend's son was hit on his bicycle and sustained spinal injuries and just today, I learned that a woman I love dearly, who is the sister of two of my dearest friends has stage four, colon, lung, and kidney cancer. If she is 50, I would be surprised.

My friend Nick walked up to me and said "but tell me something good. I need to hear somehing good today." I love Nick for that. I turned to him and I was able to tell him what I heard from Tracey wilkes about a student that she had in Dreams who was able to attend a modern dance workshop because community donors saw the value in making that happen for this 13 year old to seek out and fulfill his talents, She talked about how 100% of the students in her program, 90% of whom are on free lunch (thus below poverty line) have graduated high school when 56% of those below the poverty line drop out. I told Nick about how a recent graduate of the Youthbuild program got a job with Kids Making it full time and two of them are in college and we have another YouthBuild grant. I told him about meeting with Bob Calboun from Cape Fear Habitat and Jim Morgan from his board and connecting up on a new initiative they are coming out with for revitalization, and how the chamber was so involved in helping with the Youth Enrichment ZOne for at risk youth and they wanted to recruit volunteers...and how I had vacation..and how we were having time...and by the end of all that...all the things that have been happening and had happened...well, they did not go away...they are still there...but somehow..there was a balance...somehow that sucking noise of negativity that came at me last week...that emotional intensity...well, like I said, it did not go away..but I was filling up with the good...Nick reminded me to "tell something good".

Ironically, or by no coincidence,  I was asked to follow up behind Adam, who was speaking and INSPIRING at the downtown rotary...and by doing this, before we got up there, I was filled with "the good news". I have no idea what I said when I got up there...but I know that what I shared followed being grateful. I needed to do that. I needed to extend the life I have been given. I am glad that was the bargain that we struck..and that is what I am asked to do.

I went for a run when I got home and the heat was intense, but not to bad. I am at such peace this afternoon. I know that part of taking care of me..as I talk about the "physical, spiritual, and mental" self is to "fill me" spiritually so that when I experience a friend in a dark place, or I am around suffering, or something "surprising" happens, I am able to deal with it. We used to call it the "spritual bank account". Part of this week is to relax..do things that add to that account...give myself a break and be about the business of healing in some ways. I am a fortunate and blessed man to have that opporunity!

thanks be!

Day 514: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Ok..so going for a run is no big news..but going for a run in the woods is..and preparing to go run through fire, mud and through a course of obstacles with a pack of other fools..that is news to. Yep, I have signed up for the Warrior Dash in August and i cannot wait (go to http://warriordash.com/). One thing that a lot of folks don't know about me is that as a kid, my mom's rather loud voice used to echo through the hills of chapel hill trying to hunt me down trying to get me to come inside. Although about half the year I spent in teh hospital growing up because of severe ashtma, the other half was spent, and as much as I could, outside, traveling through the creeks and woods of Chapel Hill..getting as dirty..as muddy, as filthy as I possibly could. It was not till I hit puberty that I became sedentary and let the ashthma and the "I can't do it" take over my life". My childhood was filled with camping, being outside, and it was MAGIC. Part of this journey..a large part of this change and being back to a health that is amazing has been re-discovering that part of myself that loved being outside..loved being physical..playing sports even and being ALIVE in so many ways! This dash looks like so much fun and I cannot wait.

Oh yeah..i know I am 44..and I am not going to go crazy. I aims to finish! LOL..not win! :) I also aim to have a good time. That is the aim now..enjoy myself..enjoy being alive. Enjoy being healtier and continue to grow. Yes there is work involved..but there does not have to be so much struggle all the daggone time. There is so much to enjoy! It is an "attitude of gratitude!".

Anyway, back to the run last night.....The woods behind our house are the woods by UNCW. They are also the woods that go between Randall Drive and Rose avenue and border the challenge course for UNCW. I hotfooted it down the path and it was great! It felt like being in the woods back home in Chapel Hill..smelled like home to with honeysuckle hitting my nose mixed with pine..and I was able to keep pace with the soft sand under my feet. I was watching myself to make sure I was steady becuase of the change and variation in the ground, but it was good.

When I got to the end of the woods..there it was...the Gary Shell Trail that now borders Rose avenue has been put in. The asphalt was clear and beautfiul and I stepped onto it and it was serpentine and wrapped through and around the woods behind the homes. It was lovely. I was overwhelmed with joy as I ran down that stretch..seeing another piece of this progress. But here is what I encountered. I saw a father a way down the path, getting onto it with his daughter. Dad was overweight and looked out of shape. But here he was. out for an evening walk with his little girl. Because of this path...a working class neighborhood that has no sidewalks, now has an area for he and his daughter to spend time together..and maybe, if they keep this up, he will get healthier and his daughter will have him around a lot longer. I saw a couple riding together..and lots of others...this was and is an extension of health, relaxation, and wellness for the neighborhood and EVERYONE could access it and use it! What power in that! What blessings! What COMMON GOOD!  I was energized in my run like none other. Grace...so much grace comes in being a part of something like that. It is something I can never repay or fully explain..but I am grateful..and I will run, bike..and do it all as long as I am here....

thanks be!

Day 509: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

It would seem that Mondays are my day to "start" something new. Like Saturday is still reserved for debauchery and sloth and Sunday is repentence..so Monday must be the penitent state for me. Hmm..Not really...Saturday was a down day, Sunday was a healing day..and today has been some renewal...so, I guess, Monday is RENEWAL day! there..that sounds better..more RENEWAL..
Well, I RENEWED myself at 5-a-damn-clock in the morning! LOL! I committed to changing my work out time with Adam to 6 instead of 7. It actually is a better time..and it is such a gift..but it is going to definitely take some getting used to. But, as I forced my eyes open..once I got myself up..it was really nice. It is deadly quiet at 5 am...semi dark with a hint of light coming through...and I am at peace. It is nice. The work out was intense..and there were not a lot of folks in gym (surprise! LOL)..but it was nice...clear...like I said..peaceful.

Last week I started really focusing a day at time on my snacking..but more importantly my habit eating. Once I started, I was having a hard time stopping (habit eating that is) and i was doing really well, one day at time with the issue. I found myself, however, this morning as i was talking to Adam about it getting really defensive. I told him what I was snacking on, and he mentioned that I need to be careful with a couple of things i mentioned.

What I was hearing as we talked was that what I was doing "was not enough or was not right"..when what he was actually saying was, "I am concerned about you". Gee..did that sound familiar for me! This weekend, Michael tried to tell me he was concerned when I bought this bag of chex mix (Ok..this may sound stupid..but it was a big deal at the time!). You would have thought he had just insulted my Mother I got so upset. What I HEARD was "you are not doing it right"...and off I went!

I am actually glad in a way that both these things happened because it really got me to look and respond to what is in my head.

The funny thing..the truth of it is that it has NOTHING to do with what HE is saying..it is what is still left in MY HEAD...what I SAY TO MYSELF..that voice that says "you don't do enough".."you are not doing it right.." and the like. I am gratteful, at least, I don't have the "you can't" in my head anymore. But the the voice of bs is now much more subtle and much more..shall we say, southern passive agressive. But it is there, and it is something that I have to continue to grow in as well for better health..because with these outward changes there has to come the inward ones too. The ones that stop the "tapes" that drag me down and hold me to a standard that is not my potential.

The people around me, particularly Michael, want the best for me. What they say to me is out of love. My closest friends, people like Adam, who really want me to be successful, they are the exact same. But sometimes, what they say gets filtered through my own "fat" mind. The mind that came from before when treating myself to bad health and to a less than healthy life was ok.

What is nice now, is like what happened this morning, when we were talking and when I was able to back up and put all this together..realize how much I am loved, supported, and cared for...and take that in..and somehow..through that..I heard what I was being told. No longer did what I hear sound like a chastisement..but what someone who cares would say...but the voice that was the most caring was my own.
There is an old saying that I heard 22 years ago from a group of people who entered my life in one of the worst periods I have ever been in. They said to me "we will love you until you can learn to love yourself".
Well, I do love myself today. But I am still learning and growing and becoming as a loving person...both inwardly and externally. It is all part of the process....and i remain grateful!

Thanks be to God!

Day 508: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

the first email I got this morning was from my friend and chair of the housing authority, Deb, which said that fellow commissioner Macy McRae had a massive heart attack last night and passed. To say it was a shock would be an understatement. Macy was a member of the "zipper" club and had had open heart surgery and had, over the over 5 years i have worked with him, taken such great care of himself...stunned.

I still have the image of Macy, when I turned as Windell hit the floor at my right leg from his own massive heart attack, turning Windell over and working on him..doing everything he could to breathe life into the body. Macy was working on his friend, but also, as I would find out, working from experience on his own near death episode with heart disease. He was trying to give Windell the very life that he was given..the reprieve. But it was not to be.

Selfishly, part of my anxst this morning was that Macy and I had not seen each other much in recent months...I was not able to connect with him the way that I would like. His last email that I saw as a commissioner was one that I respected and it was the Macy that I knew to be thoughtful and deliberate and NOT divisive. His heart...ironically...was strong. very strong. Though we did not always agree, we both cared deeply about what was being accomplished.

Macy, Deb, and I are among the only three left from a time that was...to say the least..a trial for a public board. Someday I will be able to write the whole story, but it was a frightening time that was led by faith and truly by a desire to see something done correctly. Sharing that conference room with he and deb, looking each other in the eye when the decisions were made..it was a critical time...and no matter what...we moved forward to better ends with ethics and integrity. You learn a great deal about each other during times like that...and it is never taken for granted that part of our lives where left in that activity... But it was a growing time.

What I learned from that and from my own experience then and since then of being judged by what you do when you make decisions that create change is to become more compassionate towards those who are in those places. I truly believe there are folks who can separate themselves from their emotions and make decisions and just move on. Well, bully for them.

For the rest of us, decisions come with emotional costs and they stick to our souls. When we make them we make them because we truly believe we are doing the right things and IF we make a decision that does not stick right, it sticks out and stays out...and causes..not pain..but it sucks. Some would say that you just have to "get over it" and move on....well, I am not one of those folks. I like being around people who think AND feel their decisions..BUT ultimately who can MAKE A daggone decision..and not be afraid to do so. We did that and continued to do that...no matter the muck and the mire that surrounded us outside and in...and Macy..Macy was a part of that. Macy had a soul that felt his decisions...that felt what he was thinking.

I wish I had told him more of that recently. I know that i thanked him for that time after Windell's passing..but...it is another reminder to stay connected.

This morning, I went to church and I saw someone I had held to a higher standard than I would have even held myself while this person was going through a tough position and I wanted this person to do something I deemed important. When it did not happen the way I wanted it to, I became resentful and since that time had been distant. I thought this morning of the finite time we have. But also of all the good this person had done and "who was I" kind of thing. I have learned through my own 'leadership' that it is a blessing when someone takes the time to think that maybe I have reasons for what I do rather than to just judge me. If that is what I want for me..by God, I better exercise that same love for others...that same compassion. I used this moment with Macy's passing to make amends and reach out to that person.

This is not emotionalism. I don't feel this connection to amends because of his passing. This whole weekend has been tough. I spent all  of yesterday evening recovering in bed...healing from all the stress of the week...all of what is going on around us (and a particular bump from a run)..budgets..prices...my own career/job...involvements..personalities...there are times when it is just SOOOO Much...and I hit a wall. But being compassionate...growing older and really trying to walk in someone else's shoes....that helps so much. It does not excuse or disallow disdain for bad action..nor does it hold me or anyone else less accountable for their own actions...but it does...it does keep us all on the same playing field..kneeling on the same ground...human...somehow level with one another....and somehow it feels, if it is real and not condescending or patronizing, but authentic..and real empathy..sympathy..love...compassion for what another walks through..goes through..feels and thinks...somehow it just makes things more peaceful.

I am rambling I guess. All I know right now is that Macy is gone in "blink of an eye".
he was a decent and loving man with whom I worked with and he was a part of the solution.
In the end if I am "part of the solution"...that is a blessing.

Day 506: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Lots of stress this week: our insurance rates are going up, no raise in 5 years and prices have gone through the roof, we have to PAY to park at work..and the budgets and everything else shrink while we try and meet the needs...so many needs..so many things...

And in this this week I decided to enter into a pact with myself to cut out snacks between meals, to tackle one of my biggist issues still remaining in my life. Why? Well, if I waited till life was calm and serene and all was amazing and gentile and sweet to make any changes..well, I would still weigh 350 lbs..probably more and be either dead or heading that way...Nope..it don't work that way. Life is gonna happen..stress is gonna happen. It is how I respond to it. No, I don't have to load on all sorts of mess at once and try and tackel ten things at a time..that is how I set myself up for failure and thus give myself an excuse to do nothing..But I cannot put off making A change or some change becuase life is happening. In fact, making the change can be the very thing that adds to the better part of making it better.

That is exactly what happened this week.

By addressing my habit eating..I did not eliminate snacks as I had planned, I stayed foscused on my health and made that a priorirty so that as things got heated and weighed heavy at times (pun intended! HA!)..I had my priorirties straight..there are things in my control and things that are not..the budget, taxes, my insurance, prices..they are not in my control..ME, MYSELF, and I..is/are in my control! :)

So,  I listened and I paid attention...realized that eliminating all snacks would be bad for me becuase it would make me ravenous when i got to meals and probably make me sick. However, having A..or ONE snack..something healthy and stopping there...well, that would work..AND I incorporated more WATER into this week. It is the habit eating, not having a snack that I had to address...so my usual..all or nothing was not applicable here..and thank God I was open to listening and hearing that..

Each day..with the exception of one when i let my stress get to me a little more than any of the others..was awesome and I was able to follow through with out reaching for food as a means to cope! Even on the one day when it was so high pitched, it was better than others and I was able to recognize it and not let it get out of hand. This set the tone for a day at a time habit I can do!

This morning Adam got a little glint in his eye and he pulled out his phone. He set the weight I was pushing and told me to hold it..I can't see what I am pressing with my legs and half the time I don't knwo what I am up to..I just know it is so much better..he took a photo, then he stepped back and took a photo of me..he smiled and said, "do you realize you are working out on this leg press with your old weight?"
Well, I am slow and I was like, " you mean I am not doing as much as I was before?"..and he was .."NO..you are pressing 350lbs!!"..It was pretty cool..but also pretty amazing that I was pressing my old weight...that what I used to weigh is what I had underneath my feet on this machine. It was powerful to realize!

So, off to the weekend!
Thanks be!

Day 504: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

It was in 1990 I think that one of my spiritual advisers told me "the only thing you can EXPECT is change. Understand and accept that, learn how to go with that and His will, and you will have a long and happy life". Well, to be honest, I come from a long tradition of what I let go off having claw marks on it..so change was not one of the best things I accepted well. But over the years, I ahve learned that by giving up control..I gain power. By becomeing "powerless" and trusting and having faith in a power much greater than myself, I actually accomplish and am able to do more. My role is to do the footwork, show up, listen, trust, follow my gut. Change happens every minute of everyday..sometimes in small ways, sometimes in huge ways..but it happens..and when it does, the pain or the pleasure, the agony or the ease involved in it is completely an totally up to the amount of resistance I put into it or against it.

This has been true of this part of my journey for health and welleness, for losing weight, for all these changes. It is not so much the effort, but the resistance to it. I hear so much how folks "hate this" or "hate that" about foods that are healthy or exericing.....but that is resistance..that is obstinence..that is pushing against that which, ironically, in the end will make me feel better. Over time, just giving in..showing up..and trusting what I am told and making the "change" is what gets me through to the other side. That powerlessness...that sense of "I don't know what to do, but someone, something else does..and I can trust that and give myself over to it" and be filled with empowerment as a result for a whole new life..a whole new way of living...what a blessing!

A change has come for our Adam this week when he was given the opporuntity to go in to work with Nick and Wanda Kentrolis over at Crest Fitness. Today was the first day I worked out there and I am so very excited!

Let me back up to explain a full picture of this connection. When Windell passed and I got involved in the Heart Associaiton, I remember going to this holistic health fair on racine and there was this body builder there who was really psyched about not only the Heart Walk but our Mayor as well. He was an amazing person and wanted to get involved. He had a tent and I never saw anyone more upbeat and engaging and just driven to be invovled. He was dedicated to Wilmington like no other. Well, as things go, it was Nick and he sponsored a team each year for the heart walk and sang the Star Spangled Banner and he and Wanda would come to the Heart Ball and I came to find out that they owned this fitness club.

When I began my journey, he became one of my biggest cheerleaders. Never once did he worry that I was at another club or not using him as a trainer, he was just pscyhed that I was living this life, and every step of the way he was supportive. What I loved about he and Wanda though, as i learned more about them, was that they are from here and that they are LOCAL business owners..involved in the community and give as good as they get. Lately we have been in there a lot since we have been doing dinners with Mike Clay and Custom fit meals (and we love them) and that was another thing we LOVE about Crest is that they were offering that too!

If you all have read ANYTHING in this blog..you know I love me so local businesses..from Shawn Spencer at Bike Cycles to Dave Boseman with New Balance, Boseman's and Good Life to Ashe with all his Restaraunts to Jeff and Shannon with Pita Delite..these are the life blood of our community...and for me personally..they have been my "family" as I have gotten healthier.  So, when Adam was looking to make the next step in his own career..this was a no brainer...and now he is there with more opportunity and a chance to do more and grow..and so one of the best couples in Wilmington have truly the best and hardest working trainers..with the biggest heart and a truly dedicated fitness expert joined with them...this will truly make an unbeatable team.

It is Change..and change is good...it is good when, in particular it is for good people who do do much good... Now I get to actually SEE my friend DEBBIE who Nick works with..maybe I get to see my friend Kiki! :) and this morning already I saw some men from my church! :)...but most importantly..that feeling of family that I have found in all of this journey continues.

I will always be grateful for every step of my journey and as things change, I don't forget where I come from or brought me, as Lousie says, "to the dance"...but I Thank God each day for the miracles and the blessings that unfold and am glad for the sight to see them, the heart to feel them, and the soul to embrace them.

thanks be!

I need your help

Yep! I am starting something new today and I am ready. I have been mentioning it off and on for weeks and today, one day at a time, one minute at a time, I am going to start something new. I just need your good thoughts and prayers.

When I was 30 years old, I quit smoking. It was a miracle and I had the horror of that addiction lifted from me. It was the second time in my life that I knew a new freedom and a new happiness. I am a VERY addictive personality and physicolocially I am wired that way if you have not seen that through my posts.
What I did not realize at the time, but have come to realize as I have begun this new "phase of happiness" is that much of my eating is a great deal like my smoking: habit based. I find myself just eating when I am at work, watching tv..just occupying my time and inbetween great, and health meals.

I have most assuredly changes what I eat in those "habit" eatings, but they are empty, not needed calories that are occupying me spiritually and are impeeding some of my growth and I want it to stop. I want to change this behavoir...and today..just for today..I am making that stand.

I do not know what is going to happen. I know from prior experience that habits formed from years of use are difficult, but I also know that prayer, meditation, "changing a throught, moving a muscle" and all the tools I have been given work.

What i need from the "greater than through love and support" of all of you is good thoughts, prayer, and the love that is always there. I know I can...I believe I can...I balanced on one foot on the bozo ball yesterday! I can do anyting I set my mind and heart too....

Now....it is about NOT habit eating. Now it is about just having those three square, wonderful and blessed meals and nothing in between. Now it is about the blessing of health and the connection of my spiritual self to something other than a habit that fills me with things and now substance.

So, here we go....

Love you all....There I said it...it is out there..can't take it back. When I hit send...I have lifted up this prayer and I have put it out there....and the next step is taken...it is the step that is the hard part..the letting go...
now, if I can just stop typing and hit send.......

Day 503: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

(by the way, for those of you who get this is "reader" or in email, there is a pic and a vid in this post i think you have to go to blog to see). 

So here is another goal met. Yep...when Adam stuck me on the bozo ball the first time, he told me to stand on one foot...well, i could barely do that and I had to do it near the machines to steady myself. Well, fancy pants-trainer-man hopped on it and not only did it with one leg, but then did a one legged squat. When he hopped off, he said "you'll be able to do that too" On the oustide I smiled and probably said something like "ok..cool"..but on the inside after I finished cussing him out for showing off and then smiling that smile that only really skinny healthy people can smile that is so sincere that you want to punch them (LOL!) ...I am pretty sure I thought...NEVER! Lol.. But I learned as we went from that day forward that never was not in the cards..and I found that I was capable of a lot more than I ever imagined and he helped me to see this. 

So, about 8 months in I said "I am gonna do that one legged squat one day". Since then, every once in a while I have hopped up and tried, but no luck..but I have kept on trying. Well, today as I was stretching before my run, I was thinking about that and hopped up on the ball and went for it. I was stunned first when I could balance on one foot for an extended period of time. I got excited and decided to slowly lower myself down on the my left leg and I did it...then I did it on my right leg! I was ecstatic! I yelled out of Michael to come and "look at me" like some thee year old learning to ride a friggin tricycle! :) It was exhilarating! I got back on the ball and sure as poo...I did it again! :)  It was not a fluke! :)

Then I asked Michael to video me just standing on one leg on the ball...and I was able!

I am blown away! and it feels great!
I went for my run to celebrate. This is the first run in a week for me. I have been riding my bike and using the eliptical since I had the issue with my hip last week. It felt so good to run! :) I did the campus run, but about the time I got to the baseball fields, which is a little over 2 miles into the run, I had to go to a walk. I have learned to listen to my body and the heat this afternoon was just horrendous. I was getting nauseated. But by going to a walk, I was able to keep my heart rate at 140 (it was over 155 on the run) and keep going). So I got a great work out! I am glad I have learned to listen and to slow down when i feel that way.

Anyway...lots to look forward to this week!

Thanks be!

Day 501: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I have not done a side by side comparison in a long time. This one was a shocker. I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to keep moving forward with!

Adam sent me the "day one" pic as a reminder a week or so ago and we took this "progress pic" on wednesday. It was like he was reading my mind that day he sent me the the first one as I was hearing a lot of "old tapes" in my head and thinking I had not progressed very much and was "fat".

It is amazing how the mind can be such a powerhouse of both negative and postive. The picture came to my phone with "I am proud of you and all you have accomplished" as the note. I was humbled with this from someone who has helped me so much, but also, was overwhelmed with how "on time" the message was. How much I needed to hear it. How rich and how powerful it was at that moment.

It was a great reminder of what power I have, we have, to effect each other with something as simple as a "proud of you" or "thinking of you" or something positive. Or how what I do that is not so positive has the opposite effect.

Today on my status I said I was "shaking my shoes off and moving on and away from those who would harm me or be negative". I was referencing Mark in the bible where it talks about those who will not hear the love..well..you gotta just shake it off and move on! I cannot spin my wheels on those who want to be ugly, deceptive or mired in the negative. I CAN be loving and compassionate..but there a difference in getting mired in another's negativity and accepting that which I cannot change lovingly and moving on. There are too many things, blessings, opporunties for LIFE to let that happen (well, to let it happen more...LOL!)

So much to be grateful for..so much to live for..to continue with...to enjoy..to live!

This week I have tried to get back to some basics: my work outs in the mornings and cardio in between. I have also been doing the custom fit meals and they are great. They force me to try diffferent things and I have not had one yet that was not good..and most are delicious. All are right on when it comes to filling and they are amazingly balanced and none would be considered "diet food".

While I eat well in many ways what I still struggle with is habit eating. I have to get this one. This is the one that is the biggest challgenge for me. What I know though, is that when I am ready, it will happen.

I am off to enjoy this weekend!

Special Post: Another Connection through Eulogy...a must read

yet another connection..another moment when I sat and thought "the voice of God coming through another". This time it was Barbara Ocain, the partner of my dear friend Gary Shell. She was giving a Eulogy at our Celebration of his life that I was honored to be the host of. And there I sat and heard her explain suffering and loss in a way that..well...you have to read it. Truly, I have found another friend for the rest of my life..only through Gary would I have made this connection..only through my God would I be privileged enough to sit and hear this...

I thought of all who have lost a love too soon, of all who have lost to the indiscriminate nature of cancer. What a powerful and healing eulogy....I selfishly have bolded part that was so, so incredible to me...All I can say is "thank you Barbara".

FOR GARY

Thank you everyone for being here tonight to celebrate Gary.  However, if he were here, he would be leaning over to whisper to me, “ What’s the matter with these people?  Don’t they all have anything better to do on a Saturday night than to sit around and talk about me”?  But he would be flattered and humbled.

And a special note of thanks should go to all those who planned this event, especially his dear friends Tara, and Bo, without whom the loving coordination and the special touches would not have happened. And a VERY special note of thanks to his dear lifelong friends and hiking companions from the Appalachian Trail, who join us tonight having once spent months in the wild with Gary – they have come significant distances to honor Gary, and get a sense of who he was in his other world, with his other friends, his family and his city to whom he devoted years of his life in his effort to make his community a better place to live and play. Thank you all.

And let me be sure to thank, and honor, his family – his mother Dot, brothers Tom and Bruce & their families, who stood by and supported Gary and me and warmly accepted me as part of their family.

The startup line from a very popular song by the band Train plays on the radio daily. The line grips me when I hear it:

Forever could never be long enough for me,

To feel like I’ve had long enough with you.

We did not get forever.  We got less than two years.

And I am so jealous of those of you who had so many years with Gary.

Gary was the most wonderful person I have ever known, and will probably ever know. After all these many decades we found each other.  I loved him more than I realized I could love another human being – a real awakening for me. I adored him – and he adored me.  We told each other every day.  Like a lot of couples in love, we had a sweet little ritual - a personal exchange. Everyday Gary would say to me, “who loves you Sweetheart? And I would respond, you do Gary – and who loves you right back? Gary would respond, you do Baby.  I miss that.  

We were the most synchronized, compatible two people bonded in love and spirit that you would ever find.  It was almost eerie - we agreed on everything – except for his preference for the band Journey and my love of boiled peanuts.  His loss there.

 Rationalize this all you want, but Gary’s death was random, senseless and unfair, and I make no apologies for feeling the way I do about his passing, angry that someone so vibrant, with such a big soul, loving and spirited could slip thru my fingers – with so much more to live for and do.  Let’s face it - We were robbed.  And in Gary’s classic words, he would sum it up by saying, “It ain’t right.”

With me, Gary was the sweetest, most tender, thoughtful, gentlest man I have ever known. But don’t get me wrong.  I know Gary could be hardheaded, opinionated, free spirited and passionate.  He was all those things we recognize in ourselves but social restraints suppress in us.  Not Gary. One of the many things I loved about him was his wicked sense of humor, his irreverence, his spunk, and his rebelliousness – he took you right to the edge of inappropriateness, dangled you there on the brink, then would playfully back off with that wry smile and twinkle in his eyes.  I’m sure you’ll offer up the stories to validate these observations in a few minutes.  Gary was not afraid. Always a “big picture” guy, Gary would take you on and when you challenged him, he would raise his eyebrow, arch his back and come back to get you…and be your friend after he had enjoyed the joust.  He had extraordinary people skills. And with his wit and personality he was so likeable, playful and genuine that it was difficult to not like him. 

When such a man of tremendous depth, vibrancy and wisdom, tenderness, and fun dies – and in a manner so punishing and at a time so cruel and inconvenient, we cannot help but be troubled by the unfair distribution of suffering in the world. As intelligent, caring people, we ask those hard questions. Why? Why Gary? Was his death a test? A lesson?  Is the lesson learned that we should be more sensitive, more compassionate, more appreciative of life and health because of this experience?  If so, it’s my opinion the price for this lesson is much too high and such reasoning shows far too little regard for the value of an individual’s life.

I can only respond to questions about his illness in terms of biology, science, chemistry and medicine.

I don’t know why my Gary was sick and dying and in pain.  I couldn’t tell him why life gave him this terrible fate or that he had been chosen because he was so special or brave and therefore was being tested.  But in a world in which we all possess immortal spirits and everlasting energy inside fragile and vulnerable bodies, life gives strength and courage to those who, unfairly and thru no fault of their own, suffer pain and the prospect of death.  Gary never complained. Not once.

And as he labored through this cancer, I hope I helped him remember that he was more than a man with a cruel and senseless illness. And I hope I helped Gary receive compassion and the reassurance that he was an amazing person and a cherished friend by you all.   He was a man with a loving family and a life partner and with many devoted friends, and with enough iron in his soul to remain a living person in the fullest sense of the word until the very last day.

I don’t know why people are mortal and fated to die, and I don’t know why people die at the time and in the way they do.  Perhaps we can try to understand it by picturing what the world would be like if people lived forever.   That is impossible.  As Gary would say, “It ain’t right.”  Being born immediately makes us eligible for the universal calamity of human nature - - death.  Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life.  We can’t explain it anymore than we can explain life itself.  We can’t control it, or generally can’t even postpone it.  All we can do is try to rise beyond the question, “Why did it happen?” and begin to ask the more important question of:  ”What do we do now that it has happened?”

I am still saddened and depressed, wondering what might have been.  But tonight is a symbolic first step towards healing and the process of reparation. Tonight, we will all make the effort to put the loss behind us and look to the future.  And while understandably it may take me a bit longer than the rest of you, we will begin to recall what he gave us and celebrate the memory of his life and the legacy of his gifts. That’s what he would want us to do –and he would tell us we are making much too big a fuss over this.

I want to thank you for the outpouring of your thoughts, expressions, your sweet words, cards, emails, notes, Facebook posts, letters, - and your prayers.  Gary was not a religious man. He found his form of spirituality in the great outdoors. Yet in spite of his protests, we witnessed every possible variety and form of prayer and religious support possible offered up for Gary - regardless.  He and I shared a number of conversations about this, and eventually he resigned himself to the fact that prayer made others feel better – that it was one way you all thought you could help Gary.  Were your prayers answered?...    Gary died right on schedule, of predicted causes; there was no miraculous cure for his illness. How could that be?

I am here to tell you that at a time when he and I felt so desperately alone – and now - when my heart aches of loneliness without him, we found out that we were not alone at all.  I now have found out how many other people loved Gary and were hurting for us, and with us….and that is no small thing.

You were trying to tell us that this was not just happening to us because he had done anything wrong. You were trying to tell us that Gary’s life meant a lot to you too, and that whatever happened to Gary, that his family and I would not be totally alone.  That is what your prayers were saying, and it made a difference.

It has enabled me to reach deep and find strength for him I did not know I had.   With my love for this precious man, buoyed by your support, I would not and will not be broken by this awful set of circumstances.  I, and his family, will go on living, caring and loving. 

 So I did not get a miracle to avert this tragedy, but I discovered people around me and strength within me, and faith beside me, to survive this and continue loving Gary in a whole new place, time, and manner. 

I offer that as an example of your hopes and prayers being answered.

Knowing Gary has enriched my life immeasurably and made me a better person – and all of you in your many unique ways and experiences helped shape Gary and therefore helped shape me.

Why do go people have to suffer?  We want happy endings with good people rewarded.  I step back to 10^th grade English class and remember the author, Thornton Wilder, who offered the image of a magnificent  tapestry.  Viewed on one side, it is a beautifully woven work of art, drawing together threads of different lengths and colors to make an inspiring picture.  But turn it over and you will see a hodgepodge of many threads, some short and some long, some smooth, and some cut and knotted, going off in all different directions and colors.  Wilder offers this as an explanation of why good people have to suffer in this life.  Life has a pattern into which all our lives fit, and the pattern requires that some lives be twisted, knotted, or cut short while others extend to impressive lengths, not because one thread is more deserving but simply because the pattern requires it.  While the concept of ‘deserving’ may seem arbitrary and random, like the backside of a tapestry, every thread, every twist and knot has its place in a great design that adds up to a wonderful work of art.

Gary’s life, and his love – and his death – have an indelible place in this work of art. 

So, I did not get forever with Gary.  I got less than two years.

But he left his mark in this city, in your lives and in my heart.

Who loves you Gary?  I do. We all do.

  Thank you for being here this evening in honor of Gary.

Presented June 11, 2011, at the Celebration of the Life of Gary Shell  Ceremony                                   Halyburton Park, Wilmington, NC                                                                                                              by Barbara Rushing O’Cain

Day 496: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I have a great sense of humor..that is something I am very comfortable with..in fact, I consider humor one of the ways I have survived over the years some of the worst and best events in my life. Laughter..real, honest laughter is healing. I remember when they where filming that Robin Williams movie on Campus at UNC..we were about to move that year and I heard about the doctor that he was portraying and the techniques he employed. It made perfect sense to me. To use laughter, humor, fun in a positive way to make a difference, help get through a bad spot, see myself or oneself in a way that takes some of the stress off of "taking myself so damn seriously'..just lightening up and breathing and being humor. One of the best lines I heard about taking it easy and laughing a little was from dolly parton when she yelled out "get off the cross honey, sumbody might need the wood!". Lord did I understand that and am glad she said it cause I have needed it many times since then.

This journey has needed a lot of laughter. Primarily because it is hard sometimes. I have been and continue to be faced with overcoming limitations. Seeing myself in ways that are truly humbling. Hell, remember a year and half ago when I first started and I could not do a squat. If I could not laugh, if I could not make fun and have fun with all of this I never would have made it! I named all the exercises...bozo ball, cirque de se bo ball, the horse. etc etc etc. It all made the awkwardness of the change, the challenge of growing muscle, learning how to use muscle, accepting the changes in me as they occurred and not as I would have them, finding something in all of it to be happy about.

I was glad that those around me had a sense of humor too.....Adam helped me when I got angry or frustrated to laugh...to stop being so demanding of myself in a negative way and remember that I was making a difference every time I stepped in that gym, every time I made the decision to do something other than what I was doing that got me to the point where I began this part of the journey. In fact, getting pissed off when I "couldn't" was not and is not allowed..that anger just did not have a place...frustration and anger did not burn calories and frankly could get me hurt because I lost or lost my focus and push in a way that is not healthy. But stopping, taking stock, and laughing...remembering the journey, how fortunate I am, how many blessings there are...that did the trick to get me back on track.

But there is humor and and "being funny" that is not helpful and can actually be very destructive. Humor that masks something that I need to say for real, but can only do it by making light of it, and humor that is supposed to be smart, but falls short because it shows insensitivity to another. Both of these forms of humor I am aware I have been and am involved in and work very hard to eradicate. But it is progress not perfection. I am more sensitive to the latter, though, when it comes to weight or health, and/and or addiction. The other day someone I care about, who has struggles with overeating and has been on her own journey of weight loss, posted that she wanted chocolate. I posted back about these amazing protein bars that I have found that are AMAZING and can be easily gotten now at Harris Teeter (they are called Pure Protein and only have 2 grams of sugar and 19 grams of protein).

After I posted that someone else I like posted that I had given "bad advise" and instead she should go and get this double chocolate thing that was full of fat, sugar, and all the things that would impact her progress unhealthily. I knew this other person was being "smart" funny. But the more I thought about this, the more I got, not angry, but saddened. I see it all the time. People trying to be "cute" or "funny"...but it shows a real lack of understanding and frankly a real lack of care. I mean, do you offer sugar and fat to someone you know is struggling with their weight? or do you reinforce healthier options...or just say nothing?

Part of the reason that I was so thrilled when Donnie "branded" my journey with the gift of "greater than through love and support" is because I have been overwhelmed with people who have wanted to see my success. When I post a "progress" picture or a status that is about another milestone or adventure and I get the comments from folks, it is...I cannot it explain it..it is overwhelming. They are as much a part of my change and health as I am with all that positive love and conneciton. It is powerful!

How horrid would it would have been to post about craving something that would hinder my progress to have someone post about me going and having a whopper. No, I would not have had the whopper and sure, it is up to me to stay on target, but what a missed opportunity for love. The gift we have to offer others of being supportive of the best for health and wellness...that is such a blessing. That is what this journey at its root really is. It has shown me more deeply that by loving, and allowing others to love me, I can be more loving. By being sensitive and open to the pain or struggles of another, we can and I think we do become more loving and more capable of caring. God is the fountainhead, for me, of all this love, but I know that Michael loved me through all my sizes and has been there everyday! Then my friends and my Mother and Stepfather, and as I was loved, I saw that and was able to return that love. Some of this even came through me. But all of it connected in such positive ways, and it continues too. 

It goes to a larger issue for me about what I do in all my relationships. I cannot determine what is best for another. However, I have learned, through my own experiences and I continue to learn, what is best for me, and I can share that. But I just don't find anything "funny" or "smart" in offering an addict the drug from their addiction or reinforcing its use. That, for me, just does not feel loving. But moreover, if there is a chance to love...if there is an opportunity to lift someone up, to be positive, then there is just no other choice having experienced what I have in this journey.

thanks be!