fire

Our usual conversation, "I have a meeting at 6. I am going to do my cardio on the way there and then we can do dinner after"
and then I looked up and I kept driving down College Acres drive I saw this thick black smoke rising up high over the trees, coming from our neighborhood.
"Michael, there is a fire!"
I pulled into the neighborhood and for a brief moment I thought the plume was directly over our town home, but as i adjusted I could see that it was down the street.
"Our house is ok...but this is bad..I love you and will call you back"
I dropped the phone and pulled into the street. I saw two police cars that had blocked the street in front of a unit that was engulfed in smoke and flame. one officer was headed up the street and other was running, literally running around the back, darting in and out of the doorways, in what appeared to be making sure that people were out of the units around the burning building.
One of the oldest neighbors (in terms of living here), whose home was only two units down from the fire was trying to pull her car out of her garage. People were gathering on the street and no one seemed to know what was happening.
One young woman responded that those who lived in the home that was burning had been at the pool, so they were ok. My other neighbor in the car said she thought the unit next door was unoccupied as that person was away and was getting married. So we focused on moving her car and securing her precious dog..of whom an entire group of people took possession so that Jeannie (my neighbor) could attend to securing her home and then getting out.
All along this tall, dark haired officer was going from one unit to another with his comrade and ensuring that there were no other folks in danger. The speed he was moving was incredible and he/they were focused. I can tell you this, that no one was injured because that officer and his comrade were on it from the that moment to the last. It was impressive to watch and a blessing during all the choas of those first minutes that seemed to last forever.
The WFD got there in record time and with one truck after another and like precision clockwork they got to work. When they opened up, and the crashing of the windows and the front door began, I have never experienced seeing smoke and flame like that in my entire life. How they endure that is beyond immagination..but they did so without stopping a beat and went to handling the blaze. We saw the flames break through the second floor roof and rise high into the air..and they fought back and eventually brought it under control.
At the end though, we found out that the three dogs that had resided in the home perished.
The tenants in this home, the residents, the victims of this awful and tragic fire, were varsity players at UNCW.
So much loss..
It is hard to fathom.
I also found out that those two officers that were so heroic..that should be recognized for acting so bravely and so responsively as the first on the scene were TR Williams and BW Sommer. God bless them both! 

There is a blessing in human life and physical injury being spared by the flames, but there is deep mourning for the loss of their beloved animals. There is mourning for the loss of whatever "things" that might have gone to ash in that home. We have "things" that remind us of good. Remind us of people. Remind us of ourselves in many ways. To turn to ash in such a quick moment...I cannot fathom, but I can imagine.

So, I offer my prayers of solace, of peace, of love to the victims. I also hope that whatever they lost, their memories, emotions, and feelings that are associated in the positive with the physical "things" can remain with them once the mourning has transpired.

I can still smell the smoke. It is so powerful. But that smell will dissapate. Renewal will come. It reminds me that what is forever lasting is goodness, all else passes.

thanks be to God!

Day 482: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I bought a belt. I know..that is not really news..but I posted it on my facebook nonetheless. It was the first time in years..and I mean years that i bought a fabric belt. The reason is that they really don't make those causual belts for big and tall. It has been embarassing wearing leather belts with casual shoes, but that is what you have to do when my waist got to be a 54!  Not that having to wear a belt was all that essential since it was usual that most of my clothes were pretty snug even when I tried to by the next size up.

I am serious. My eating had gotten to the point where in the morning I put on my clothes and they fit ok. I was then off for the day. I would stop at Hardees or Bojangles or some fast place. If hardees, it was a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit AND a steak biscuit with cheese and hashrounds and a diet coke. When i got to the office I would drink coffee and somewhere in the morning, I would usually have a muffin, a doughnut or something of that nature. At lunch, I would have something equally as "quick"..dropping though a drivethru and grabbing a burger and fries...usually Wendy's triple with cheese, pickles, and mayo..fries and a diet coke. Then in the afternoon some snack...and then a big dinner with sweets and eating until I passed out. That was an average day for me of eating. I was eating for convenience and I was eating out of pure stress...filling and unfulfillable place with the easiest and worst foods imaginable. And by the end of the day, the clothes that fit the morning literally left an indented pattern around my waist because I would have swollen throughout the day and everything would feel so tight.

Not anymore...yesterday, I bout a belt and it was a size 38! It was not a belt that had to go to the very last hole..there was actually space on it..and it fit beautifully and gave me hope that while I have hit a goal with this waist size, I can set new goals and go even further towards my health and wellness. It was even better because I know that at the end of the day, at the end of a full day, that belt will not leave a dent, an impression on my body..because I am not killing myself anymore with my eating..my gorging..the choices that i made that began to make choices for me.

There is a new sense of freedom in all this and it is amazing!

Don't get me wrong..I still have to watch my eating. That is a daily walk. In fact, we have decided to do custom fit meals for our dinners to help with not only with portion control but also with controlling out eating out and making sure that we have something healthy and well prepared in the house each and every evening.  I just picked up our first round of meals today and am looking forward to this new addition today!

I also need to get out that it is hard for me still to see my body and changes. Lateley in particular I have looked in the mirror and it is hard for me to see me as a 38 inch waist. I see the larger man staring back. Only when i put on clothes that are slimmer or I see a picture do I see it..but my mind's eyes makes it hard for me to see my progress...muscle tone..changes....it can be discouraging..even hard to deal with sometimes....But i know it is just the old tapes playing in my head and I am pushing through..
Particularly when the scales are showing that I have lost more weight and i have pushed through the stagnation period and i am trimming up more!

I am so very grateful today for all it...but I am the most grateful today for a belt...so simple..but a symbol fo so much!

thanks be to God!

Day 474: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I have found some pretty amazing snacks lately..not so bad on the health side...fig newtons are making cookies now and they are delicious...low calorie and low fat. Hell, they are making these little "bars" with fruit filling too just like special K with very little sugar and like 100 calories! Love them!

But, again, there is a catch..I have blueberries and oranges in the house. I have fresh fruits and veggies in my house and I have really integrated them into my life..but as soon as I bring in the low fat snacks..well, after 40 years of habits...I gravitate to the "cookies", the "bars", the whatever if packaged and convenient instead of what is packaged by nature. So, while I am a complete advocate for having them, I just have to make choices for me about what is right in this house. If I am to keep on this track, I need to surround myself with those things that keep me healthy and that keep me moving forward. Even if these snacks are "healthier", if I am gravitating towards them exclusively, or if I am eating them like I ate the other foods that were unhealthy (chips, cookies etc)...then, like anything else that jeopardizes my good health...they have to go. Period. So, time will tell...

Last night we celebrated my Mother's 68th birthday. It was a night I will not soon forget. First, we decided to go to Airlie Gardens to the concert. I was really looking forward to this as Airlie is one of my favorite places...ever. The concerts are amazing and there is this "life" that is there that is like no other. I have to admit that what happened when we got there was completely unexpected.

Understand, my Mother has endured for 10 years or more, the debilitating effects of a chronic illness called Chronic Fatique with unreal pain and effects from Fibromyalgia and other issues, that for days, months and weeks at a time can leave her in constant pain. What has been worse for a woman who was a professional, independent and incredibly articulate, spiritual,  and intellectual woman, was that because the disease has no cure and doctors spend a great deal of time trying to "figure out" how to treat it, she has also endured "treatments" that have literally left her drugged for years at a time.

She also dealt with those, even family, who did not take the time to understand her illness becuase on many days she appeared "normal". It was horrific to deal with that kind of constant pain and have to explain it at the same time. When she and my step father moved to Wilmington, I knew that it was hope..it was a chance for, not a cure, but at least for change...and while she still deals with this damned disease, the quality of her life and the ability for her to live well while having it has been so much better due in large part to gaining control over the "treatments" and being the captain of her own destiny regarding the drugs that they give her (did I mention how smart she is! lol), having an enormously spiritual and beautiful group of friends, and an amazing husband unlike any one could dream of. I write about this because she is heroic in her own way with overcoming so much and demonstrating how one can thrive through adversity and come out of it LIVING! She has done it her whole life....and it is powerful!

Well, last night...I got to see her dance. Something she has not done in YEARS. I can remember as a child when Mother was in graduate school, she and her friends dancing to what I think was bluegrass on the eno river when the Eno river festival first began. She was as happy then as I have ever seen her. It was like that some 40 years later in Airlie...but this time it was the Imitations and we were shagging to some great beach music!

She says it was her present. But it is my birthday, Christmas, Easter, and everything else present all in one to see her smiling, laughing and celebrating life! And for the first time in my life, I got to dance with her! I do not take for granted how many folks would give their eye teeth to have that chance with their mom or dad...it was a special moment...but for me, to see all she has endured, and then to see that pure and absolute joy...was the best moment I could have asked for. It was magical.

Today, well, today, she is in bed all day..and she knew that would happen. But that is ok. That is part of what she deals with in her own day to day. But like she has my whole life, she is taking the circumstances she has and living the best life she can with those as they are. It is a very potent lesson: accept that which you cannot change. By doing so, the struggle ceases on so many front and energy can then be extended to a dance I (or she) did not even know we had. If we were fighting against what is, then the futility is where all the energy goes. But by accepting...there is this wonderful way to LIVE and DO..and BE...and DANCE!

I love the vision: 

I danced at Airlie with my Mother on her 68th birthday. My family, my friends, my God, all of us where there...and it was perfect.


thanks be!

the power of three

three amazing people I have encountered in my life here in Wilmington have passed in the last 10 days. It is perhaps a sign that I am getting older and I know more folks who are dying or a sign that I have cast a wide net in which I have encountered and had the priviledge to know people and so therefore it is bound to happen that I will know of many who pass as well..but I have to say that here, in these passings, I am just grateful because knowing these souls..being known by these people and having a chance to hear their stories, must less hug their necks or share time with them is a treasure.

Gary, Anne, and Dora...three people who probably met each other...I have no idea. Considering the lives they led..one influencing parks, one navigating all things good for planned parenthood, the colleges in the region, educaiton, and the other making a career out of reporting for a small newspaper nearby and then ending her life turning a horrific tragedy into a courgeous advocacy..but all intrinsically linked to selflessly giving and living lives that are such amazing powers of example....It is humbling to know and be influenced by each.

I have shared about Gary in a post recently. I met Gary over 10 years ago when a Mayor at the time appointed me to my first city board: Parks and Recreation. I remember very much why I wanted to be on that board: I wanted to influence gaining more green space and I wanted to see what could be done to get more facilities for seniors in our region. The very first meeting of the board I was a fish out of water, but as you can imagine I dove right in. Gary just sat back in his chair and across a wry smile listened as I babbled on..and at the very end said "I like you..we are going to do good things".

Today I know what he saw in me was someone who was willing to speak out for things that he spent his life working everyday on. I soon learned that Gary was the one that, behind the scenes, slowly and methodically, from one city council to another, from one Mayor to another, from one ploy and hoy to another, made it possible in a county that does not like taxes and is conservative about the way money is spent on things that may appear "non essential" but prides itself on its charm and its eminities, ensured that what parks and recreation was out there was for ALL people in the region and that everyone had a seat at the table and all concerns, wishes, and desieres were heard. I watched a master of consensus building before me and someone who understood that while you cannot get everything for everybody, you can do great things for the whole community that can satisfy the majority looking forward and seeing how it impacts the future. This is man who single handedly engineered a parks and recreation bond referendum in our county and got it passed as the tea party movement was on the rise. He demonstrated how this would effect our future and how got partners together that could make it happen. Make no mistake, no one did this more than Gary. And no one would have sooner run from trying to take credit or stepping into the spot light than Gary. This was just what he did. It was who he was..and for 100 years into the future and then some, what he did will impact this city in a positive way. But in my life, once I shut up from that first meeting and listened to him, learned how he got things done..how he forged ahead..stayed on target with what needed to get done and let the detractors, the racists, those who needed power and priviledge have at it with what they needed..and just stayed focused on doign what was right for the community...once I understood how he did that..well..I saw a soul that, though human, was admirable and someone to be not admired, but cherished. His spirtit is probably trying to push through right now and cramp my fingers so I can't write this..saying this praise was not what he liked...he loved the work..but it is good to say..it is good to remember..it is good to see and it is an honor.

Mrs. Ann Rowe first came into my life years ago at the Albert Schweitzer Honors Scholars Event that our Honors Office Hosts. Each year we reconginze somone in the Cape Fear region who exempliefies the work and life of Albert Schwietzer. This lecutre and award grew out of a program that one of our founding fathers of Honors at UNCW, Dr. Gerald Shinn and others started here with the Albert Schwietzer International Prizes. Those prizes hosted the likes of Beverly Sills and Mother Theresa at UNCW..and Anne Rowe was on that board and a leader in the community and development for making that happen. She was a force for education and health in the region and devoted her life to planned parenthood (healthy babies, women's reproductive rights and good health) and everything imaginable for all people for education. She got it atht what she had could make a difference for others and believed fervently in the responsibiltity to see that happen in everyting she was involved in.  After their prizes disappated, they were turned into the awards and each year Anne would come to the ceremony where we have honored folks like Dr. Ken White, Margaret Weller Stargell, Susan Dankel, Jock Brandis and the like. Each year, her angelic and warm presence lit up the room and she was a delight to the students. Mind you..that as the ceremony progressed she was in her 90's, but the involvement with the students, the engagement with the good works, and the opportunity to give was never something that slowed her down. She was always at UNCW or Cape Fear Community College doing something for students..and a hug from her was like a warm breeze from a kind soul. You just knew you had been engaged with someone who genuinely cared about the world and the people in it and that was the business of her day. She made it her business to help and create good things for others...another life to exemplify..another to be humbled to know.

Dora Corbett was someone I only met twice. That, frankly was enough to make me grateful and will keep me grateful for a lifetime.

Let me back up..I am not some big shot when I say that that our District Attorney is my friend. I knew him long before he was our district attorney and he and his amazing and lovely wife strarted to try and re-populate Forest Hills elementary school with thier own family (LOL)...He just happens to be an amazing man for which good things have happened and in turn good things have happend to a lot of folks with him becoming out DA...That said..we were planning a fundraiser for Coastal Horizons, which is the board I have served the longest on. Coastal serves the largest popluations for Substance Abuse and Mental health in the region and is also home to our Youth Shelter as well as our amazing Rape Crisis Center. Ben , being the amazing DA that he is, had someone special that he wanted to bring to the event.

As he stood on stage he began to tell the story of sexual assualt in our region and what he had seen as our chief law enforcement officer. He talked about the violence and he talked about its effects on everyone and then, as his voice broke a litle, he told the story about a woman, 78 years, old who had spent her whole life as a professional, writing, and living a goodlife. She lived in a small town area, in a pleasant home, very ameicana, and in one day, her life was altered forever. She was, and I have to admit I have blocked out some of the details of what happened, brutally and savagely raped in her home. At 78.
She was left for dead..
As he finished the story, his voice rose in a way that was..and it is hard to explain..but there was a mixture of emotion, pride, and celebration..he said, and today, "here, almost two years later, joined with us today and her detective who helped to capture and bring to justice her attacker, I would like to present, Mrs. Dora Corbett".
Everyone in the room turned to the spot from which his hand gestured and rushed to their feet in applause..with tears streaming down their faces as the demure, courageous, and amazing woman..this survivor..rose to her feet and allowed the crowed to collective hug and embrace her...all 300 people in the room...It was a moment I will never forget and one I have told Ben time and time again, one I will always be grateful for. Here was hope, survival, justice, triumph, LIFE! standing before us..and she was power! The power....She never slowed down becoming a witness and an advocate, though Cancer was ultimatley what took her at 84. But knowing her..knowing how she took such a horrific moment and taught us all how to LIVE...again...a life to exemplify..a life to be humbled by.

Now, all this is not here to eulogize..that is for others in thier lives..this is just for me to note becuase this is part of the journey that I would never have had without the blessings of the connections...the "greater through love and support"..the connections by being tapped in..the perfection that is part of it all...Just recognizing the power of the lives that are around us sometimes is the most beautfiul thing that I can witness in a single day...and I am so so very grateful!

thanks be!

another benefit of it all....

So I am walking tall today and I have even had one hell of a workout this morning complete with lunges, step ups with 25 pound weights, squats with 30 lb weights, and all sorts of other cool stuff including dips...which are not to be mistaken with anyting to do with taking a plunge in a pool or getting a dip of ice cream..oh no, these are so much fun while lowering oneself up and down on a machine!

But why is this anything of note? the big deal is that this workout followed a weekend where I was able to do some major renovations in the yard. Something I have not done in years..and something I have wanted to do for a long time. In fact, there is a lot fo things that I had gotten used to hiring someone else to do or just not doing if we could not afford it becuase I was not physically able...but no longer. This weekend, Michael had been wanting to replace the retaining walls around the flower beds. years ago when we put in the back yard I built those walls by stacking up slate pieces. It was functional and natural, but he wanted something more uniform. So, we found a sale (everyone knows I don't do retail) at home depot and off we went. I moved over 500 pounds of block from the front of the house to the back yard, took out the old walls and put in the new walls. With so much slate I had an idea to redo the white pebble bed in the back yard and literally moved a ton of rock and made a design with the slate and laid in a "labryinth" in the back yard. Now mind you, a year and half ago I was huffing and puffind up a single flight of stairs. Here I am being able to do this in a day AND we had and awesome weekend of doing things together to boot AND today I was still able to go to training and do my work out  AND I am still stanidn and feeling good!

Now, daggone it, that is just the deal..that is another pay off of all of this...I get to do something else cool...and it is something that this summer I we can share and we can share with people that we love too and have over for evenings and time togehter. It is amazing and I am just so grateful!

ok..nuff said..but I had to write about it...I was reminded this morning that this blog is about what I need to say and that if I need to write a "litany" out, then I should do just that. I have been blessed with being asked to keep this record and as I move forward it is so awesome to stop and realize how awesome it all really is!

Thanks be to God!

Day 468: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

The last time I was on a rollercoaster it was 1996 and I was still at Carolina. I convinced my Area Director to let me take a bunch of international students to Carowinds for a "cultural" experience. So loaded up with a bunch of Brits, a Chinese med student, someone from Italy, France, and a few other Europeans, we piled into a campus van and off we went.

I will never forget getting on that coaster. It was the big one...the "scream your guts out and loose all sense of pride and self respect" ride. But, alas, I was their Resident Assistant and I was determined to suck it up and "take it" silently on that thing. I got in the car..thinking i knew what was coming..but frankly not sure. I got stuck in the little car with my resident from Italy. She was petite and spoke little English. I say stuck because she was scared to death and needed reassurance. Here I was scared out of my mind and I was giving an oscar winning performance to say the least. I needed to at least look like I was ok so I could be there for her..and off we went.

The car pulled out and we began this slow, lumbering incline. The climb was as terrifying as any part of journey because of the heights...and the slow pace completed the anxiety for setting up the ride to come. We creaked and lunged forward to the top and when we finally got there..it was as if we were held in suspension for a moment. Everthing stood still and then, in a flash...we were off. My stomach lept into my mouth, my heart ceased to beat and if I breathed I was unaware. But i felt every turn, every new hill...and we kept moving forward..plunges that were pleasurable were met with sharp turns that knocked the breath out of my body and caused me to whimper. Every time i felt a sense of joy or a sensation of freedom it was followed with a shut down of pressure or a turn or what has to be described as pain. And I was riding with someone else. I was not alone and I could not let my own feelings go without communicating and reacting to her...

This was a journey we shared in all its intensity and at every turn, it actually was comforting that I was not alone, but there was something that I did not do well: I did not scream, laugh, cry or share..I held my breath and tried to look stoic during the experience and not let her know how afraid I was thinking that would be helpful to her. I was also prideful, thinking I should not let others see my emotions. I wonder to this day what she must of thought. I do know that my back was hurting so badly at the end of the ride from trying to stay so stiff during that ride and that I literally had a hard time walking when we do to the end. I was so pent up. I did, however, learn that I could get through such a ride, and that was pretty amazing, but i still had a lot to learn about connecting during intense times.

So, why this story about the coaster? Well...I blogged a little about this week...but that is how I felt this week and how I felt lately. I have been on a rollercoaster of experiences and emotions. Like that experience in 1996, I have not been alone, but unlike that experience, I have grown and have been able to share how I feel and while it has been happening feel it. As a result as I write my body is not sore, I am feeling a sense of ease, and I have not done some of those things that I used to do that would have stuffed or filled emotional voids along the way.  What an extraordinary gift. What blessings.

Wednesday I wrote just enough to release the valve of all that was going on. Yes, it is that time of year for me in my work where our students are finishing and there are so many bittersweet celebrations of graduations and rites of passage and success. It is such privilege to work in a profession where I get to watch these young men and women evolve and grow into such amazing contributors and they give me such hope.

One of the rushes of this week was the connections that were made with them as they were transitioning out this year. I can promise you that more valuable than money or any thing is a hand written note from a student that says how they feel about what you did or something to that affect. I sometimes feel like my Aunt Thelma who I believe when she passed had every card that anyone ever sent her over her life time stored in a box. I have every card from every student. They mean the world and like Thelma, there is just no way to let them go or not to hold them tight and be so very grateful. I literally treasure everyone...so grateful. 

But when that rush was taking effect, I got the call...My friend and one of the men I have literally revered in this community for years succumb to cancer Thursday morning. Gary Shell was one of the biggest influences in my life over the last 10 years as I worked with him as a volunteer on his board for Parks and Rec...but he became such a good friend..someone I..well, treasure. Thankfully it was my mother who called me to say that she had heard. I was running errands and moving through the library office when she called..moving so fast through the day and all that had to be done.. and as she told me it stopped me dead in my tracks. As I got off the phone, my friend Jen saw the look on my face and grabbed me and I lost it. I hit that bank..that curve..that intensity...and I was not alone and becuase she was there...I was able to grieve. So grateful. I went into the staircase nearby and called his brother and connected and we even laughed and shared some time remembering. We will have time to do the memorial soon...but in the midst of all the craziness, there was time to feel, to connect, to grieve.

I will stop before this gets to be a litany of ups and downs, but to suffice to it to say, it has been a rollercoaster..and frankly..that has been ok for a lot of reasons. But the most important of which has been the connection to people and when that connection is made acknowledging those feelings and really showing them.  Not pretending or trying to be something someone else might want me to be (as I did on that coaster), or stuffing what I am feeling and hurting myself.

If you have read this journey you know the connectors: Windell, then Ashley and Kristi, to Adam then Kayleigh...and then from there as the journey began all the folks who have shared each day, have joined in, who have been inspirational and who continue to be "the gift" of a power much greater than myself.
These are the "true friends"...no expecations of thanks...no ledger being kept of what he did or she did vs what I did..it is us doing and out of that so much good can come...and no, there is no need to ever have to say thank you to each other..but becuase it is real, we do. And they are the most beautiful thank yous in the world.

What, if anything that I have learned over the years is to see the connections, see the perfection in how love works through events, people, situations and has the power to heal, power to transform, to create something so special..genuine..more than just personal gain, influence, or wealth, but real and transmutable, transmittable relationships of community and love! It is so perfect in its own way...well, it must be, becuase I see God in all of that, working through that, and living in all of that.

We have had, Michael and I, one of the best weekends we have had in a very long time. After all this rollercoaster, it was time just to be..and we did. We played  in a zoo..ate at the greek festival and created something special for each other and to share with our friends and family....I am breathing more happily than I have in a long time...and still just amazed.

I am ready for the coaster anytime...would prefer a lighter ride...but I am not the determiner...I will take it as it comes, but be certain..as I hit the highs and lows, I am gonna share it...and if that connects and transmits...well, thanks be to God.

Day 465: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Whoever said "everything in  moderation" is a real ass (and yes, I think it originated with Aristotle, so I realize I am really stepping out here today! LOL). The facts are for me that "moderation" is not the key to happiness. There just simply are some things I don't do well with at all, and then there are some things that, well, are going to be less than "moderate" and it is about how to take it "one day at a time", "first things first" and rely on the best way to deal with it all to stay first and foremost healthy while it is all going on.

I am sounding crypitc. I don't mean to. It has just been an intense month or so. Amazing. But intense. I have hardly had time to absorb all the blessings, all the emotions, all of the connections with events, people, situations, opportunities, moments, that, well, just astound me. That said, what it means is that I have to take care not to let it all get overwhelming because what my old behavoir has been when I got completey overwhelemed was to let go of the priority of taking any care of myself and eat out of stress, eat things that were completely unhealthy, eat eat eat, and do absolutely the opposite of what would fuel being able to thrive during a time when so much was happening.

I am happy to report..that ain't so right now. Today, like most days, I got my butt up out of bed, on time...got to the gym...Adam has had amazing work outs for me, and i have been doing them. I went off to my day..and yes, I prayed, connected, and set myself straight for the day. I got into my day and at stops along the way, I caught myself as I got wrapped up in the hectic nature of it and I stopped and restarted. I ate good things and keep good fuel in me and did well by me!

Now I also ate chocolate today! OH HORROR! but I did! :) and it was soooooo good! But I did not eat the whole basket of chocolate. I ate three pieces, and I enjoyed each and every one of them. Lest anyone forget, much less myself, that moderation with sweet stuff was not part of my past by any means. In fact it really is not part of my present and i am not trying to reintroduce "trigger" foods into my diet by having them again.

But today a student walked in with a basket of chocolates to thank us for all that we had done for her thoughout her time in Honors. It was so wonderful and truly a lovely gesture. I really enjoyed having something from her gift and don't feel bad about it. I remember a time when I would have had the entire basket and then some, but today I was able to just enjoy the small treat. While I did want, physically more (craving)...it was nice to think it through having more and stop. 

I do want to share that today is the anniversary of the passing of Kayleigh Anne. Most of you know that on this past Saturday we did a balloon release to remember her amazing life and be there for Adam and Aimee as this is only the second year since her passing. Adam and Aimee were joined by Adam's parents and many friends at the Homewood Suites at Mayfaire. Jason Smith, the general manager of that hotel hosted the event at the hotel and it was lovely (by the way, that is an amazing place to stay!). I am still hoping that the prayers and messages attached to those balloons have landed into places far and wide and will find a way to bring more of the blessings that she has brought into my own life and so many others. The release was a way to celebrate a life that has inspired so much and continues to make so much love happen for so many.

No matter how busy it gets, I will never tire of telling the story of how love makes and creates so much goodness. How what can appear as tragedy can bring about so much change and create opportunity for good. How we share a spiritual experience that connects us at intervals and places that have no coincidence and are perfect in everyday.  It is so very powerful....and at the end of the day today, I am just grateful....

lots of blessings!
thanks be!

Special Post: AHA Breakfast: Why sign up?

I do makes some folks nervous when I take a podium because a lot of the time I don't write out what I am going to say. Oh, don't get me wrong, I do write things down for events, but I learned years ago that if it comes from the heart and I truly love and care about it, it will usually come out alright. I just need to keep on track and not go on and on (ok..so ya'll know that I am working on that one! LOL) Not to mention the fact that I have the "gift of the gab"(no ego there, just know a talent) As I said this morning, my mother said a long time ago..actually, I think even when I was little "as long as you have that mouth, you'll never starve!" LOL!

Anyway, the bad part about speaking impromptu is that I rarely remember what I say. But this morning was special. We had the annual kick off the Heart Walk for the business community for the CEO breakfast. My new role this year is the "community chair" and i am to recruit teams for the walk and to share my story about how I got involved and others can get their companies, employees and even their families and friends in with the heart walk. Well, I was sitting there at the table and something hit me and it just took off from there. I don't remember it word for word, but it came up in me pretty powerfully and it was special memories and feelings that came through it, so here goes trying to remember it:

My friend and one of my mentors Windell Daniels used to sign his name and then after each signature he would place three dots. We were at the conference table in the board room of the Housing Authority and he was signing something when I first noticed him doing that. I asked him why he was signing that way. He said that when he signed his name it was always followed with "the Father, the Son/ and the Holy Spirit"...thus the three dots. For him, everything he put his name to, he wanted to not only know that it was something he prayed was blessed, but he gave credit to God for as well and knew that it is where all he had came from.

Well, this morning, I was thinking about that I know too that all I have comes from a power much greater than myself who I choose to call and I know is God and while I was not trying to be blasphemous, I was thinking that my story was in many ways a story of three: A story of Sacrifice, A Story of Birth, and A story of Gifts.

The first was that of Sacrifice: it was at dinner at Port City Chop House. We were gathered together to celebrate the service of one of our fellow board members. Windell's wife Wilma had just given the prayer and in his usual, life filled way, Windell was leading the room and turning to have us all start with a table full of appetizers. In biblical terms, it was in the "blink of an eye" that I now hear that sound that I will never forget. It was a deafening "thud". I turned and their lay Windell at my foot. I know now, but would not accept then, that he was gone. A massive and complete heart attack. It was just that quick. And while we all rushed and choas insued trying to push life back where it had already left, he was gone.

But here is where my belief that there are no coincidences only gets more and more affirmed. After Windell passed, Jim Bryan from First Citizens called me and asked me to join the Executive Leadership Team of the American Heart Association. He also wanted me to bring Wilma Daniels on board and we would dedicate the Walk in Windell's honor. Here was the begining of a new chapter in my life. Through Windell's passing, I began to hear and see information that I had perhaps seen before, but I was hearing it in a much more intimate way. I was seeing it in a much more clear view. His death was bringing new site.

See, when he passed at my feet, remember I was 350 lbs, I was on three medications: diabetes, heart and cholesterol. My stress level was through the roof and the person I was least likely to take care of was me. I was begining to see, through his sacrifice that I had to change. In fact, I was led to Dr. Buchannan's office at Coastal Cardiology, and that is exactly what they told me. The only problem was that I just did not know HOW!

Little did I know that at the time all this was happening a birth was going on. An 1 lb miracle entered this world in Novemeber of 2008. Her name, Kayleigh Anne Freeman. She pushed through enormous obstacles to come to life and underwent over 248 different procedures. She became a beckon of hope for thousands and she was a point of suspension for worldly cares for her parents and so many others and became a lightening rod of focus on Faith, Love, and Hope. One of the most amazing things was that she was one of the smallest children EVER to undergo open heart surgery. Through the advances that have come from the work of the American Heart Association, this child was able to have this surgery and live. Her life was helping others to live give hope for others in the future. While she did not survive in physical form past May 11, 2009, she was a power of life and she transformed all those around her, particularly her Father, Adam.

That is where the gift comes in...Adam moved in Wilmington to begin a-new after Kayleigh passed and began working at O2 Fitness. His then wife Aimmee met some folks who told them to go see him about getting involved in the American Heart Associaton. It just so happened that my best female friend Ashley had become the corporate liasion for AHA and another dear friend Kristi Tomey, who had been trying to help teach me how to work out (but I was not following through) worked out at O2..and they conspired with Adam an idea. They would help someone in the community to change their lives as long as that person would pay it forward and help others.

So Adam, forever changed by the selfless love of his own daughter, so desperately wanting to give back, took me on for free and trained me as part fo a gift to the American Heart Association to show how to live a heart healthy life. 115 pounds later, learning how to live a life where I can run, be active, take care, do things I never dreamed of, be off medications, my life is forever transformed, and not only is Adam my trainer, he is the best friend I could have every prayed for outside my own marriage.

Now, tell me you still believe in coincidences...
But tell me that you don't want to be a part of something like the American Heart Association? These Walks, the things they do, the connections that are made, the life changes that happen, and the connections..they sound miraculous, but they really aren't. They are the kinds of things that happen because WE BELIEVE in each other enough and have FAITH that they can happen. Kayleigh's legacy is Faith, Love, and Hope..well, that is what all this is about too...We love ourselves and each other enought to want to be healthier..to be heathly period. Faith is a cornerstone of that living and the bedrock of that life, and hope..every step of the way..there is hope that we can be healthier..and stay healthier and live good lives!

Please consider signing up for the Heart Walk of the Cape Fear or Donating for this October:
or even sponsoring:
Cape Fear Heart Walk

Well, as best I can remember, that was what I said. I ahve added some, cause I can't remember it all. But I hope everyone will join us!

Day 455: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

All day I have been on a collision course with myself emotionally...it has been that way since I got up...just rushing and moving forward and not feeling like I could breathe. In the shower I was ahead of my prayers and my thoughts for a good day with what i was going to do when I got to work and when I got to work nothing I had been thinking of doing was actually happening so it all was feeling pressed and pulled and interupted and stressed and ARGHHHH...and in the mix of it I got an email from my HOA..in particular one of the members of board who just LOOOOVES me (sarcasm) and I did not breathe and took the bait and off I went..and so there I was balanacing all that was going on in my office and this stupid mess with this insipid sniping on email, and oh yeah...last night I was up late watching the President and listening to the news of the Death of Osama Bin Laden with the rest of the world and still trying to process and amazing weeked, and then I was trying to get names to one luncheon and settle an arrangment with another...and oh yeah there were calls from parents who students did not get in, and students dropping by and a dear student who graduated coming by to see me and connect and.....

OH MY GOD!

Yep, it was a day and believe it or not..I had the audacity to look at Michael in the eyes when I got home and say "I just don't know why I feel like I am on the verge of tears every second today and I feel so out of sorts"...WOW!....maybe, by doing exactly what I am doing right now and just looking at what I did today and how I went about it...it is amazing I was not only not balling the whole time, I did not end up in a corner with a pacifier babbling baby talk! :)

Here is what I know..I ran into my day....and I did not stop and pray (and yes, that is off a prayer card..but hey, if it is true, it is true! LOL). I did not stop and take care of me this morning..go to the gym...have that time to set my self on the right path and as a result, the rest of the day never slowed, and I did not stop and restart my say (which is my option).

Now, what i did for myself this evening was go to the gym..I made sure that no matter what, i was going and it was that "settling" that I needed. I got on the treadmill and at 5.6 miles an hour, I ran my heart out for 10 minutes...and I felt it..I felt the day release and I felt it go from my bones...and my soul...and I could breath for the first time in the day.

I went downstairs and did the routine we have been doing lately. Squats with 25pound weights, 20 plus push ups, 20 pull ups on the bar (at an incline), with 45 seconds on the bike at 110 RPM's in between each set, x2...then Chest press, pull downs and 45 seconds on the bike at 110 RPM's in bewtween x2. I forgot to do the leg press..but that was ok.

I am still not feeling completely grounded, but it has helped so much to see the day for what it was and know that for the rest of the evening that even though I have to work this evening, I can take it easier and tomorrow I can take care of myself.  Michael was so great tonight as I talked about the week ahead. It is pretty packed and while there are great things, it is intense....so I have to take care to be good at being good to me in order to be able to enjoy what I am doing and do things better and well. After all it is a life worth living and one that I am grateful for in more ways than I can list...and as you all know..I can list a lot! LOL!

Anyhoo..off to some paperwork!

Thanks be!

Day 453: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

If you have been reading this blog you know the story of Adam's gift to me and through his meeting Ashley and Kristi and how their love conspired to change my life and how all of us pray to pay it forward each and everyday. However, the root of Adam's inspiration to give, as you might recall, was the life of his and his former wife's child, Kayleigh Anne Freeman. Adam and Aimee are the parents of a 1 pound miracle birth who overcame all odds to enter into this world. Kayleigh was, from all reports, recollections and stories, a force of nature...defying amazing odds and breathing into that tiny body a soul that, while not with us in body, is still very present to this day.

Since Adam became my trainer, then my friend, I heard and listened to stories and I read the blog about Kayleigh. I understood that what had so changed Adam as a person, what had changed his priorities, set him on the path that he now walks, created the desire to give the gift of life that he gave to me; all of that was from Kayleigh's life.  However, the connection became more real today as we traveled to Charlotte to walk in the March of Dimes walk and then go to visit a place that I am still processing as I write.
here is a link to the video we did from the walk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nePD8sAsZGs



the walk was great, but I want to talk about the visit that Adam took me to the Hospital where Kayleigh was born. When we got to the Levine Children's Hospital, I was not sure what to expect. It was breathtaking. Thousands of crystals strung from stories high in front of colored panels bringing in light and love from the moment we entered. There was a sense of peace and calm as we entered..but it was that light..that warmth...that sense of comfort that comes from feeling secure and 'held' that I now know is what I was feeling entering in that place.

We went to the 7th floor and when we got off the elevator, Adam knew, even with some changes that were going on, exactly what to do and where to go. He had walked this path with Aimee so many times before. We entered the Neonatal intensive care unit and faces lit up as soon as they saw Adam. It was as if those behind the desk saw a family member, someone who made them remember something very familiar and loving. That was the moment that I began seeing love in the room...God...it was so very powerful. A woman named Marsha walked in. I had been told about her. She had been Kayleigh's primary nurse..and from the moment she stepped in, you could see not a face of someone silly with love and affection, but someone who was possessed of that kind of care and genuine love that is on the face and disposition of those who have seen death up close and personally, but believe in life more than most of us will ever know. She possessd a true gift. She was not alone.

She took us around the units. That is when it began to connect: the reality of what had happened here with the stories and the true miracles at work in this place. When the magnitude that is hitting me right now as I write( of all that I was seeing and saw today) really started to come together.

In the unit there were all these precious pods...in each was life. Some 2 lbs, some 3, some 1.4..some with light warming them, some with respirators so technical a nasa engineer would be hard pressed to understand it. Each pod had a nurse giving nurture, care, and love. Each pod had a handmade quilt covering it so there was something loving and warming....but there were monitors and equipment..and each life..each soul was looking out for someone to help...to sustain. It is so overwhelming that image. And I thought of Adam and Aimee going each and everyday to the that unit with that precious child...and all of that....and the waiting..the procedures...the waiting...it all hit me....and I just swallowed hard trying hard to just be there for Adam as he experienced seeing everyone. I asked how many were there and was told that they could have and usuually have 55 at a time, but right now they only had 30. I just could not get my head around 30! much less 55....and all those parents, and grandparents..all that prayers

But on the drive back today and then this evening, where I have literally done nothing but try and process the trip, It hit me: While I just could not understand or really even comprehend all those premature births..all that life struggling.....I could get my soul around all that Love.

See, all the stories I have heard about Kayliegh...It has all be about LOVE...Courage..Compassion. All those proceedures...all that waiting....all that nurture...all that time...it brought to focus what is and was important...LOVE! Above all things! LOVE! if for no other reason..those children in that unit bring the world to a stop for a moment...if just for a moment..someone..somebodys...a few souls...and they think about something other than...fill in the blank...and they send out love. For Kayleigh's blog..there were literally 1000's who prayed, sent messages, sent hope. 1000's who still do....and they stop whatever in their lives and think about LOVE...they think about this precious life.

It is so overwhelming. So very powerful!

I know for a fact from today, that i witnessed this love. As we walked through the unit, one of Kayleigh's very special nurses came out to hug Adam. When she saw our shirts, she commented on the ribbon that Mrs. Freeman had placed on each of them. Adam went to tell her that that was the ribbon of hope they had used when Kayleigh was alive. The nurse stopped him and said, "I know"..and as she pulled down her nametag...there on the back of it was one of Kayleigh's ribbons that had been there for the last two years. It had been there and remained there everyday that she worked. 

This was a short amount of what transpired here, but I hope i have been able to share what a powerful experience it was. Aside from the best husband in the world, I have been blessed with the best friend God could have granted me in Adam. But seeing this today and walking in this experience had brought me closer to the inspiration behind so much of the best of him and so much of now what has given me a new life: Kayleigh. I am eternally grateful to he and Aimee for being such good parents and being so loving to this beautiful child, but for sharing her with the world and letting her light shine so brightly!


I have learned over the last 22 years that it is not the amount of time that one lives that can be so significant, it is the quality of each day you live. This life...this little girl clearly lived each and everyday with courage, love, and conviction and a will that is not known by most of us...and we are all better because of her.
http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

special addition: getting started or restarted (with one important addition)

I wrote an email to a dear friend who asked me "how do I get started again?". For me, it was not about getting restarted a year and half ago..it was about getting started period. This post is about the exercise part of this journey to date: an overview if you will.

I have never been an athelete, but I have been very physcial most of my life. Doing labor or working hard was never an issue, but running, lifting weights, exercising was never something that was incoroprated into my daily or even weekly life. So, when I got an office job after Carolina and I ballooned up to 350lbs...the physciality of my life was over and it was surreal how I lost myself..and I thought it was all over...but it wasn't. What had to be over was me thinking I could "think" my way out of this without help...and then truly a gift from God (through Ashley, Kristi via Adam and his beloved Kayleigh) happened:

So, for me
#1) "getting started" meant to have "have a desire" to do something healthy and good for myself.
that was "easy" because I was at a point of change or die.
#2) be willing to listen to someone or somethign new and unlearn the things that I thought I knew or had convinced myself about diet and exercise and do it differently
everthing I tried failed. I had to listen. period.
#3) be willing to be patient and take things slowly
this was and still is hard. But I have LOTS of support and love. This has been and continues to be an amazing gift. It is ONE DAY AT A TIME! and daggone if miracles do not happen!
#4) be willing to fail, to not be accomplished from the very begining: practicing "progress not perfection"
By being a day at a time and remembering I am falable and a human (but never letting that be an excuse) I can always recover and be ok.
#5) be willing

It was #5 that was the most important. I had to be willing. I had to let go of my will and all of the notions, ideas and beliefs I had about what was right and wrong with exercise and listen and be open to experts..or at least someone that had training in these areas that could help guide me. Of course, that person came in the form of my now best friend and trainer, master trainer and head of fitness at 02, Adam Freeman.

Adam got me to first concentrate on my smaller muscles, working with lighter weights, and doing balancing exerices...by buidling up those smaller muscles I was able to do more, safely. I felt "stupid" ( I can remember that so well) with those little tiny weights in the gym with all those "he men" around me. But Adam saw that and help me realize that this was helping me to LIVE and be better. He was right. I could not even look in the mirror at the time I was so ashamed. But I pushed through. I had to be WILLING to believe..Adam, everyone in that gym helped me at that time..Michael at home said how proud he was of me for going...It felt so good and I pushed through on those little weights and amazingly..i was able to do more and more...they/he was right!

All my life whenever I would try an exercise program I would go at it like a bull in a china shop and end up hurting myself..that old notion of "no pain, no gain" was bs...but that was a notion I had to get rid of. This "he man" hurt yourself mess that is happening at certain places in town..nope..I am not going to get hurt..It is about getting healthy and that is what has happened!

I had to also MAKE TIME FOR ME AND FOR THIS! This was the biggest of all! How in the WORLD could I POSSIBLY find an hour to exercise?!! How could I ADD to ALL I DO and have time for everything else that I need to get done? Lord have mercy..oh fiddle dee dee and blah blah blah..well, here is teh deal i am now up close adn personal with. By NOT making the time..but not getting my priorities in line, I was heaving and not being able to breath and get up stairs, was pushing a 54 inch waist..was on three medications: diabetes, heart and cholesterol, was damn near death. Did I have time to LIVE? did I have time to be better? to Honor this life I was given? To feel better? Daggone it..the answer had to be yes..and while I did not feel that way neccessarily at first..I was WILLING to make it happen..to make the effort..to take the time..and as I made the time..I...not IT..got better. If I am going to do the things I love..If I am going to love those that are in my life..I have to love ME enough to show up for this part of my life..and today I can honestly say I do..but Michael, My Mother, My friends..and Adam loved me enough in the begining until I could get to this place..and I thank God everyday...THis is my only MUST..that willingness to make the time..that willingness to take the time. It is essential.

I also had to unlearn the idea that weights were going to take fat off...Nope..that is Cardio with weght training..so as I progressed I had strength building with the weights and cardio to work my heart, burning those calories and helping my endurance..and as I got even healthier there were (as I am doing right now) combining the two to do endurance and strength building on the same day.

Stretching to was essential. How can muscles grow if you do not stretch? It is absolutley neccessary after each run, work out, everthing that is physical. And oh yeah..I am 44..might want to take care of this body..right? Might want to be good to myself while I am working hard...maybe a bath..some relaxation? :)

Form was another biggie I had to learn! Frankly I have learned that if I don't have form right, I might as well not be doing the exercise at all becuase I will 1.) get hurt 2.) rely on muscles that are not part of the target for the exercise 3.) not be getting the benefit of the exercise. Having Adam to show me that form is invaluable.

So...For me...I began on the Elliptical..at first it was 10 minutes at level 8 at 4 miles an hour...then 20 minutes..then 30...and I kept building (now it is level 16 at 8 miles an hour). Then we went out and do sprints..I could not run more than 100 feet at a tiem..but then we would run 2 minutes. and walk. run two minutes and walk..then, I was able to run the loop..then a 5 k..now I can run 30 minutes at 5.5 mph on the tread mill!

Cardio is still at 30 minutes for me when I do just Cardio (not the biking or the kayaking). I am not really good at running or elliptical more than that cause I get bored silly. But get me on my bike or on that kayak...I have to be careful not to get lost! :) But 30 minutes on the former burns 300 or more calories. Not bad for an old man! :)

Same for the weight training. Starting out with sometimes 5 and 10 pound dumbells..now using 25lb and 40 lb...on the leg press, starting out with 100 lbs..now using 300 lbs! But it was slow, overtime progress.

But here is what I committed to, one day at a time, for myself and I love it:

MWF I do strength for an hour in the morning before work
M=Chest
W=Arms
F=legs
Each person has to determine a routine that is best for them in these exercises, but that can be done easily with a consultation with a trainer. If you cannot afford a trainer each time, you can do a "master trainer" session where they map all this out for you and you do it on your own after they show you correct form.

Tues and Thursday and Saturday I so some kind of Cardio: Run, Kayak. Bike..something fun...
on Sunday..I have a day "off"...

This is a life I love...
But I will tell you..had it not been for Adam....the inspiration of the life of his Daughter that brought him into my life and her short time on this earth..none of this would have come to me. God works through so many ways into and through our lives. It still humbles me.

The Anniversary of Kayleigh's passing is coming up and we are going to do a biodegradable balloon release at the Homewood Suites At MayFaire on May 7th at 11 am. If you don't know the full story of her miracle, check it out at http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

If you begining or "re-starting" your journey..I hope this helps. I have said and I will continue to say that the gift that was given to me is one a gift as long as i continue to earn it by paying if forward. I hope that it is being opened by someone right now.

Much Love!
Bo

Day 466: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

This might be the most emotional post yet...You may not know it..but that is how I am feeling. It has been an extraordinary 10 days or more in an  life that I consider blessed more than I could have ever imagined...but Lord knows it has been non stop.

I want more than anything to talk about an experience this week with a flight that I took. A journey that encompassed so much for me. Forgive me for skipping over some other major and wonderful events, but when I came up here to write, it was because WECT was airing a tribute to this event and it was welling up inside of me and I really needed to get this down and share it. So..

A few months ago I was going from one thing to another and racing to and fro and Louise called me to ask if I wanted to be a Gaurdian on the next honor flight. Turns out the next flight was going to be sponsored by the USS Gravely folks and she could ask those of us who were volunteers for the commissioning if we wanted to be involved. She had known that I, along with my honors students had sponsored a couple of veterans for the first flight and I was a big fan of this program--taking WWII Veterans on a day trip to see their memorial, literally before they left this earth! Honoring these amazing people for their service and sacrifice and paying homage to that very selfless generation.

The day she called I was actually upset because I felt pressured and I was not sure what to do about whether to say yes or not or what to do. I had something that day that was going on....but regardless I said yes. Now, when I said yes, it was knowing that I have not flown since November of 1994. On that flight to Chicago I developed an unreal fear of flying. It literally came out of no where after years of flying and I went into an absolute panic and have not flown since....but, having overcome so much I was determined that, damnit...I was going to do this...and I said yes....Oh boy! :)


Anyway, long story short..I got to go....and this is what is so powerful and why I need to write. A gaurdian is responsible for seeing to the needs of three veterans. Some of these veterans are well into their 90's and all have different abilities. It is important for the gaurdian to know what their medicines are, what their abilities are, etc and be prepared. But most important, a guardian is to be there to ensre that each veteran gets to enjoy THEIR memorial and have this experience as unencumbered as possible. Each flight comes with a doctor and a nurse that travels with it and we had unbelievably good ones, so they are the experts on those issues!

Our flight was divided into red, white, and blue teams that traveled together and I was on the white team under the leadership of Clay Whitehurst. He was an awesome leader, organized and just a good soul. He was also very patient with me (as you can all imagine). Every step of the way was done well, planned well, and done with such care and respect. Our Flight director was David Foster, a retired vet, who volunteered to do this and while I did not quite get him at first, by the end of this trip, I have enormous gratitude and respect for this man and I know that while his rewards are stored in heaven (as we are told), he deserves a great deal of praise for his sincere and honest passion for this service to these men and women on this flight!

For my three veterans I had a little bit of an issue in that everytime they would assign me a veteran they would drop out. Only one of the original assignments actually traveled, so it was difficult for me to get to know them much ahead of time. But that turns out to be ok..because I can assure you that I will know them for the rest of my life.

In meeting one of my veterans, I discovered quickly that these men are private in many ways about their service. Oh, they will tell you they served. They may even give you some details. But boast? never. Tell of awards? Accolades? Distinctions...not going to happen. And if any thrill seeker is thinking there is going to be stories of heroic battles with some romance..there again, that just is not the case.

In fact for this one veteran, we did meet (and by the way, I am not using their names out of respect for that very privacy), for a couple of hours in his home before the flight and talked extensively. I thought I knew a great deal, but on the day of the flight, he and I were walking in the memorial and he stopped. He told me that he did not tell something to many people, but he had decided he was going to tell me after getting to know me. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a small card. On it was inscribed that he was a recipient of the French Medal of Honor. So humble was he that in all of our conversation, he had never shared this. I literally had tears running down my face and I said to him that this was the very reason why I was so proud to be on this trip; because folks in his generation walked with such humility. Had that been awarded to someone in my generation, they would be wearing on their forehead. It humbled me. He humbled me and to be with him and to have him show me that was an honor.

Talk about a moment. Here was a man who was in Normandy in June. Helped prepare the airstrip for the allies in Omaha. I was walking in His memorial with him and talking to him and somehow I was called his "guardian". An awesome, surreal, moment.

So that was just one moment, with one of them. All three were amazing....but everyone of them was, in their own way amazing. In fact, on this flight I had folks that I knew in this community who have helped mentor me and been a real part of making my life here who I discovered were veterans by being on this flight. I went to the pre-flight meeting and low and behold a man who has been as instructive to me on politics and this county as anyone was there and still trying to get me to run for office! Miss M from Church comes up to me..now in her 90's she volunteers 4 days a week at Randall Library and when she can comes by and fills me in on world affairs. She was the first person in 2001 to tell me about the dangers of Karl Rove and one of the smartest people I know. It was amazing to be on this flight with them...and then PD...my dear friend Carole's husband...he is a methodist minister and one of my veterans is an Episcopal Deacon and I told them it sounded like the opening to a bad joke...but Lord, talk about making me feel more comfortable on that Plane..him behind me and the Deacon next to me...I was set! LOL!

I am finding it hard to right it all down...for someone who runs his mouth as much as I do..it was one of those experiences that is more "felt" than "expressed". I know that at the moment when I heard one veteran say "this is the last time I will see DC and you made it happen"...I know that you can probably feel what they felt like. To see these men at he DC airport, some of them, dancing to an Andrew sisters tribute group...probably for the first time in years. You can imagine that joy. To see their faces when the bus pulled up to the memorial and the Gravely Elementary School Children where there with Welcome signs to welcome them to the memorial..to say thank you..and to meet them!...When veterans talked to each other...caught glimpses of their past in each other's eyes....and I/we got to stand by and listen and have the honor of being there when that connection was made. You can imagine. When they saw the 4000 stars that each represented 100 dead...and the connection was made. You can imagine. And then....when we boarded the plane to come back and they called a "Mail Call" and letters that had been secretly arranged by the gaurdians with the families came pouring out to each veteran, thanking them for their service, telling them how much they were loved...and then letters came from civic groups, my honors students, elementary students, and on and on and on...you can imagine.

and then...as we got off the plane and we entered the lobby of ILM, Flags aloft, Andy Anderson leading his brass band, the screams and cheers from 1000's as they were welcomed home heros...marching down that center aisle....to end a day that began there and ended there...well, you can imagine.

I wish I possessed more ability to truly tell you more about it. But I hope in some way I have.

If you have a chance to support the southeastern Honor flight...any amount is awesome! It is worth every dollar you give so these veterans can go. http://www.honorflightsenc.org/

Each of those veterans..well..it was a blessing....
Each of those who served on this trip...a blessing....
The experience...something I am very grateful for...

Oh, and by the way...the flying thing..went just fine...:) Another blessing

Thanks be to God.

Day 456: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

If you are having the stress filled fun that I am having this week all I can say is run your butt off and it will get better! :) I swear to you that no better gift has come to me than th release of getting on that bike and literally tearing up the road or running!

It is not a bad thing, this stress..it is just that time of year and i am always a bad planner! I know that it is going to be hectic at work, but of course I still have to have a bunch of others stuff going on as well! Lol! But what is different right now is that I really do have a release valve that is so wonderful! Last night when I finally got home I hit the road with my bike. It was after 6 so I did not want to run, but I still wanted to make it to the beach..so off I went! I could feel the world melting off of me as the air and the what was left of the sun hitting me as I went through the neighborhood and then down the bike path! It was great! I had funny, funky music in my ears and it was just flat out freeing!

I got to the loop, and while it was a work out, I just reveled in it and rode two loops and then back home..15 miles in all in an hour and it was awesome!

This morning I got up and headed in to the gym started my day with a run with Adam of about 3 miles. I was looking forward to catching up after a great weekend, but I have to admit I was not looking forward to the run. About and eighth of a mile in, it felt great and I really enjoyed it and it has set the tone for the whole day! What a blessing!

I guess the long and the short of it is that no matter what is going on, this is essential now. It is actually what keeps me at an even keel and creates for me some sense of pace and release. I keep saying that word..but that is what it feels like. Whatever is happening..there is a cleansing that goes on..there is something that happens that just makes me feel better.

If you had every asked me if I would be in this place with this stuff..I would have said you were insane..but here I am...nice!

thanks be!

Day 454: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

I said it in one of the vlog videos that follow that this morning's weather is perfect to exemplify this week...overcast but clearing. Starting out "weirdy", there have been some amazing moments that have brought about some events that have been "clear" and beautiful!

Most moving this week were a couple of friends who either through sharing on their own blogs or facebook talked about struggling or hitting road blocks in their journey's for health and wellness this week and being able to share my own admiration for them, but more importantly that empathy that comes from knowing what it is like to hit a bump in the road and knowing that it is "us" that helps to get past that. Both of these folks, whether they knew it then or not, inspired me becuase they were not giving up or giving in..in fact both, despite having hit a snag were still "showing' up for exercise..doing good things for themselves..and still talking it through. I said to them and I will say again, that takes courage! It was awesome to see and helped me to get out of myself and move through my week as well.

The week was overwhelming at work and it is going to be for a while. It is just the nature of this time of year and it is more important than ever to make sure that I am keeping my priorities straight and taking care to take time to rest, to exercise, to eat sanely. We have snacks around the office....not terrible snacks..but they are the same things that I have talking about for so long...the triscuits, the wheat things, the nuts etc...even though they are healthier..when I get wound up and stressed I want to fill up with snacks and I have to be careful...BREATHE and not grab things to slow me down. I made a connection this past week that I had not made before and really did not have time to think much about it..but until I was 30 I smoked. I had not realized that I eat...or should I say snack...much like I smoked. The "habit" is very similar. Here I am 14 years later and it hits me that much like smoking, eating has that same "habit" feel to it. I am not sure exactly what to do with that..but I needed to write that down before I forgot it. I plan on working with that in the days ahead. I know that throughout this journey with all the changes, snacking continues to be an issue that has not found a resolve and this whole "habit" thing may be something that can help me.

Friday, was an amazing day...I got to go to the Garden Party. No, the garden party in and of itself was not the amazing thing..it was how I felt. About a month and half to two months ago when the seer sucker suits came out I bought one...a size smaller than I was. I wanted for Easter to be able to wear it. I have not had on something like this since 1995. It may sound silly, but it was important to me. When I got dressed on Friday and not only did it fit, it was comfortable, I looked in the mirror and i liked, more than I have in years, what I saw. It was a feeling I have not had in years. I felt ok...good. It was nice. And so when I got to the Garden Party and I saw people that I love and care about, it was such a great feeling just to be with them. Just to hang out and enjoy the Spring day. What a blessing. While at the party Lenny Simpson sought me out. It was humbling that he was after me. But he grew up next door to Althea Gibson and he wanted to share with a glad heart how much it meant to him that the tennis complex was named for her....To see his face..to hear him and know what it meant to him....life it good. So much is worth it all when you see that kind of joy.

I went back to work and on my way back I literally welled up with such a glad heart that I felt like I was going to burst. Then the phone rang. It was a friend telling me of another blessing..where a connection had created another opportunity for him after so much change and so much work for good and added to my own joy was that of another. I lost it...just so..not happy..not even grateful...just overwhelmed by what good CAN happen if I get out of the way and SEE it. when the day was over I celebrated by having time on the intracoastal in my Kayak and then Michael and I had dinner. What a day! amazing!
Saturday morning I got up and headed straight for the River. Here was another goal I have had..to Kayak on the river. I have only ridden the Henrietta to date..never been on my own boat and always wanted to. So, off I went.

I got to Dram Tree Park and the new boat launch and the new Kayak launch...another great thing to come out of our work on the Advisory Board...and it took my breath away. The river runs swiftly and the cape fear memorial bridge is a little bigger than the draw bridge at Wrightsville. But I moved forward. I launched from the kayak launch and was off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR0cCg6i8_M

Once on the river, I found out that it is a work out..but the pay off is amazing and the drift back is amazingly easy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzusa7oHYWo


So, today i went to the "do it for Doolittle" ride at Murray Middle School. This past week a father and son were struck and killed by a drunk driver on river road. It was beyond tragic. What exacerbated this was some of the talk about how we should take out bike lanes or how there should be less bicyclists etc. I was agog at the lack of talk about drunk driving. The lack of talk about those who defend the drunk drivers...and even more so those who were not crying out for MORE bicycle lanes and paths and routes. Then, there appeared a facebook group that was planning a ride in honor of those two...and in leaps and bounds folks were pouring into it and onto it. It was stunning and the converstaion was about drunk driving (and believe me, I may have only been 21..but I understand but for the grace of God go I), good stewardship of our roadways and education of others about safety...etc. It was awesome! I had to go! I had to be a part of this and boy am I glad that I did! hundreds upon hundreds showed up today...It made me so proud to be a part of this community! So proud of Tom CLifford, the organizer...so proud to know that folks can show up and be there in times when there needs to be awareness and support! It was amazing!

I wretched my back a little when I got home and had to rest a little..but am doing better now...it was awesome overall.

It is going to be an amazing week and one day at a time.....well....I am just grateful to be here!

What a life!

Day 450: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Maybe it's the springtime storm outside tossing the trees about and bringing down the temps by about 20 degrees, or maybe its the work load that seems like it is insurmountable..or maybe it is the amazing feeling of speaking last night at the county commissioners,  graduating with a diverse group of folks from the citizen's academy and truly being among new friends gaining new awarenesses, or celebrating a milestone of 22 years since a major change in my life, having a successful recruitment weekend, paddling for two hours on the intracoastal on Sunday...and on and on...or maybe it is just the sum total of all of it..but i just feel weird today. I feel fat, out of sorts, and I don't know. My oar is in the water and I am paddling against the current (now that I have been in my kayak twice, I feel at liberty to use such references being a seasoned boater! LOL!).

So, it is a weird day. Not that big of a deal...just don't need to over analyze...enjoy the gifts and try and practice "HALT"..hungry, angry, lonel, tired...where/when or if  I am too much of any of these..just stop and take time to make sure I am taking care of myself and not going overboard.

It is that time of year..Spring..the promise of everthing renewed..but it is also the busiest time of year at work and there is a lot going on. So, breathing..remembering my priorities and taking it one day at a time, one minute at a time...well, that is the best always. So short post today..but that is ok too...just need to stop..check in..be at peace.

On to the Rest of a good day with weird moments...:)

Day 444: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

Really, it cannot be wednesday already! It is unreal how fast it goes!

It has been a great day! Got going early with training. Adam has changed it up a bit with wed being arms and Monday being chest, so that Friday we can do legs and the next day I don't have to worry about running as much. Doing legs on Wednesday makes for a hard run first thing on Thursday morning!

I am, however doing some cardio on training days as well because it really helps. The stepper thing I got here in the house is great and Adam showed me how to use it to my best advantage (ie..not bobbing up and down when I am on it...but keeping my upper body as still as I can and really just working my legs and staying on my heels as much as I can). It is intense and I am burning out about 300 calories on it! In fact last night I added two sets of squat, curl, and over head presses with 25 pound weights on my bozo ball that I have a home. It was great. But at the gym this morning, it was curls first, then overhead presses, then flys all the way out to the side, and then back lifts off the side of one of the benches (I know I am not calling these the right thing...but you put your feet and butt out and your arms behind you on the edge of the bench and with your back as close to the bench as possible, lower yourself up and down until you cry..I mean until you are done! LOL! (three or four sets of all those..can't remember)..then he had me try something new with "diamond" push ups, where you put your hand flat in a diamond shape right under your chest and do the push up from there. I could do a few...that actually felt amazing.

Anyway...what has been cool this week is that it has been INSANE (ok..that is not the cool part)..what has been cool is that twice this week.."no" has been a complete sentence! I don't know if you noticed, but I am not really good at the word no...but I am actually better after all these years..I still, though have to work at it. Well, the other night we had a great time practicing for a charity show. At the end there was a lot of pressure to go out afterward. It was great because I said no and I stuck to it! Yes, I would love to hang with people I like..but my prority is to have time with Michael, be good to me, get to bed, exercise...etc....and by saying no..i could have time to do things..but not over do. Sound like not a big deal? Well, it is for me because when I don't say no is when I get uber stressed and then..guess what...I am eating crap, not taking care of me, and I am all over the place with my own care. It is almost embarrassing that at 44 I am just getting some of this more regularly...ok..maybe I have understood a little..but I am doing better.

The second no was, I was hanging out and we were in rush and the suggestion was "well just pull through a drive through". For a split second I almost did.  But I have not been in a drive through since January 7th 2010. So, no, I don't care if it is for someone else...I ain't doing it. We can find something else together. See, it isn't just that it's crap food...Fast food is a trigger food. I eat it and I want more. If I get back into that routine...well, it's just not gonna happen.

Speaking of trigger foods: my rotary had a BBQ sale today and it went great. But, it was difficult. Again, it is almost embarrassing to say "i am powerless over BBQ"..but...BBQ is a trigger. I start eating it and I want more and more and more. I ate some for lunch and did not go to far..but LORD...i felt it and I wanted more and more and more! In fact a friend of mine laughingly said "do we have to have an intervention!" LOL..and that helped me actually, because it was a way for me to say I enjoyed what I had and walk away" In fact, I brought home some for us for dinner and let Michael enjoy it and I had a healthier left over for dinner. It is essential for me not to deny myself and have something that I love from time to time, but this was the best way to enjoy it without going overboard and it turned out great. I also knocked out 20 on the stepper LOL! :)

Anyway..that's my story the last couple of days! it is amazing and so filled with good stuff! Grateful as always! Grateful! Grateful! Grateful!
thanks be!

Day 440: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

ok...this has to slow down..too much good stuff happening and it is going too fast! LOL! ;)
But I am serious in that so much is moving foward and happening and there are moments when I just want time to fall into some thick goo and be held in suspension so that I can savor it a little more. Even the more dramatic things that happen. But, alas things move along as they do...

Friday, I sat in tears, as I oft do. But these are annual tears. Tears moved by students who thrill me, inspire me, remind me of why I love what i do and why I still believe the world is not going down the toilet. I have been honored for about 6 years to be on the Rachel Freeman Award committee. The award goes to a Senior who, through their service and commitment to social justice has demonstrated an outstanding contribution in their time at UNCW. The award is named for this amazing woman, Rachel Freeman who was a quiet storm of work for just those issues, who, while dealing with her own personal disability, NEVER let that impair her service and advocacy. (you can read more about her at http://www.rachel-freeman.com/ ).

But, each year, I listen as these students talk about their hopes, but more importantly what they are doing and have been doing. At 21-22 years old they are engaged with their fellows, the world around them, and in touch with true service in ways that most adults never fully understand in a lifetime. Friday did not let me down this year as I heard responses to questions that were rich with servant leadership and purposed with an understanding that it is that service that counts...not much else.  What a blessing to just sit there and be in that presence...and with all that I encounter with the political and economic machinations that interfere with our ability to just serve each other...here it was...delivered, lived, and set to live in the future by this/these students. Not bad, right?

I left work and went off to rehearsal..yep, you heard me....rehearse. Last year as this journey was in full swing, Kristi got me involved in a fundraiser for the Carousel Center...an amazing place for Abused and Neglected Children in our region. The event is amazing because it gets community members together to perform in lip sync numbers in different acts. What was really amazing for me was that I was able to dance and do the show in jeans. It was huge for me because I had not worn jeans in years and we had decided to do a cowboy thing. I was petrified because I was not sure if I was going to be able to find jeans that would fit...it was then that I realized that I could get the size I needed from a regular store, not a big man's store. Oh, they were tight all right, but I could button them and breathe in them! It was amazing. It was the first item of clothing that I bought in a regular store in years and it was amazing.

Well, this year I won't be wearing jeans..in fact...well, let's just say it is gonna be very interesting and thank God I am doing this with Peter, Joy, Ashley, Adam, Michelle and Amanda, because it is going to be "something" for sure! :) LOL! If you wanna come...oh, I would for sure. (Carousel Center Gala)

So, today I got up and went straight to WHQR, our public radio statio and had a ball on air raising money for this amazing station. After I left I was discouraged because the clouds looked threatening there was something I wanted to do VERY badly! See, on Friday before rehearsal I went to West Marine and got a kayak! Now, this may not sound like much of a big deal, but for me, it was the fulfillment of a dream! See, a few years ago when I first got the bug to get one we went to the great outdoor provision company to look at them. I have never been more embarrassed than when the guy took down the biggest one that he had and I could not even come close to fitting into it. It was humiliating.  I so wanted to get out on water..to tour, to see the amazing coast that we have..to explore...but there was no way that was going to happen.

Well, with the kayak bought, I just could not wait..clouds be damned. I loaded it in the car and headed to wrightsville. I had NO CLUE what I was doing or where I was going. I just used my instincts on where to go. At every turn my questions got answered. The area where there is a boat launch says that you have to have a trailer, but there were spots under the bridge and I nervously parked there, not sure if you would get towed or not..but there were no signs. As I was getting out, a guy was coming in from being out on his board and he told me that it was where he parked everytime and it was ok. 1st quesiton answered. So, I unloaded the boat, got on my life jacket, got my phone in the "dry case" that my friend arch had given me (and I thought i would never use! LOL), and headed to the muddy shore.

As I laid the boat down a man was paddling to shore in a thin sleek boat. As he pulled up I told him that this was my first time ever doing this. He said he had been doing it everyday for thirty years and went on to tell me what I needed to know to start off my journey, how to handle the boat and some great advice. Now, if you don't think I was not struck at how very cool that was and how very "on time" that was....well, we will have to be introduced! What an amazing thing to happen!

As I thanked him, I got in the boat and pushed off....heaven..it felt exactly like I thought it would..so beautiful....serene....awesome. I paddled against the current out thinking it would make for more ease coming back. I used what Mr. Williams (that was the name of the man I met on the way who was kayaking himself) told me about going straight into any wake and paddled out for about 45 minutes and then I saw an opening in some grass out in the channel. With the birds flying around me, I went in the grass and took this video: (here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsVzdZb9XmY)





So, I get a little emotional...but I am grateful! So very grateful.....

 Links to the Keys to my Health and Wellness Success!

Adam Freeman Personal Training | Adam Freeman Training On line | 02 Fitness Mayfaire | Heidi Kaufman Nutritional Services-Dietician | Bike Cycles Bike Shop at Mayfaire| Boseman's Sporting Goods | New Balance Shoes | Tidal Creek- Healthy Foods! | Pita Delite- Wilmington | Hibachi Bistro on College Road | The Star News | WECT | Wilmington Biz and Wilma | Encore Magazine | New Hanover County Public Health Department | Zoe's Kitchen | Try Sports| VitaCost online NC Company for sports Nutrition | City of Wilmington Parks and Recreation| New Hanover County Parks| Airlie Gardens | The Shell Cross City Trail | Wrightsville Family Practice | Sandra Miles Denistry | Church of the Servant Episcopal |Down to Earth Essential Oils

Day 437: Greater than through love and support: Journey with the Cape Fear Heart Walk and Adam Freeman

so, we started with a giant ball and me leaning against it and running up and down the wall trying to sit down into a squat...then we moved to me hovering my tail above a box and with two legs pushing back and staying on my heals until I was able to squat....then, after I was able to do that (having remastered the ability, basically to sit down), the box was removed, and I was sitting back on my heels, rear end out, back straight and doing squats on my own with no net....then...when I was able to keep that form, I was given weights to hold in each hand...then the weights got heavier...and then just when I thought that I was the king of the world of the ol' squattys...I was put on the bozo ball and told to balance on two feet, hold the weights, do the squats and do the weights over my head with a curl as well...but WAIT!...then, after I got that down, I was told that maybe two feet are just too easy....lets try ONE LEGGED squats...oh yeah...that's the ticket...so now..I am doing one legged squats..trying desperately not to PLOP down on the box when I lower myself down and making sure not to put my foot down when i got back up! But I am doing them! and again...just when I thought i was the dealio...I was introduced to the SMITH...yeah...a medieval torture device in which you put a weight bar behind your neck on your shoulders with you hands on the bar. With you feet in front of you, pointed forward and spread apart, you twist off the safety latch and with the weighted bar resting on your back, you squat...oh yeah! So, squat lifts! We did 25 lbs on each side to start and then i went up to 35lbs on each side...it was quite the work out....

So, why the whole paragragh on this? Well, first, I like a little drama...but seriously, I love the way that Adam has lead me through the steps to gradually increase my strength and stability in order to get me to a point where I can do more and grow. I, for the first time in my life, physically am doing things at a rate and pace where I am not hurting myself and I am achieving and doing things that I have only dreamed of.

It is ironic because the way in which this is happening for me is exactly the way in which I know to be the best way to change and grow mentally and spiritually. It always comes back to the three fold for me: being a physcial, mental and spiritual person. by doing things graudually, I am able to get results that last and that are sustainable, but more importantly have the best possible outcomes for my health and wellness! You would think I would have gotten that...but I am just grateful I am getting it now! :)

Anyway..so far this has been a busy but good week! Last night Kiki from the Heart Ball committee did an amazing job hosting an event at Zoe's kitchen for the Heart Association as a fundraiser! I loved it and she was great with Alyssa Gubberman. Zoe's donating 10% of the evening and that was real blessing.

Today, Michael and I did the loop together after work. It was just good time together...to be together, to destress...what a gift!

So many blessings!

Thanks be to God!